So, there I was, at a beach with my retainers. It was a pretty normal beach, or at least it would be if we were in my old world in the modern era. The people present were wearing far too advanced beach clothing.

Then, I saw someone sitting under an umbrella and someone else sunbathing on a modern towel. I facepalmed.

"Dʰéǵʰom," I thought.

"Yes?" the deity asked.

"The sea god taught humans far more than just how to make modern swimsuits, didn't he?"

"As a matter of fact, he did. He doesn't like humans going out to sea, but he wanted you to at least enjoy the beaches," Dʰéǵʰom said.

Well, at least he had some semblance of care for humanity. Considering how he was one of the gods with a godslayer saint, that's to be expected. Or at least he doesn't think we should be wiped out.

"I know you don't want to go to the beach, Gustav. But you should try to enjoy yourself," Johannes encouraged me.

"Well, I'm going to sunbathe somewhere out of the way. That is something you could do," Joanna suggested.

She then gave me a look that told me she understood why I didn't want to go to the beach. Either that, or she thought I hated sand. I couldn't blame her, considering how rough and irritating sand is. Or I was completely misunderstanding things.

"You could also do what Johannes suggested and enjoy yourself," Astrid spoke up. "I mean, there's all sorts of fun things to do here. Swimming, ball games..."

That's when a memory flashed in my head. I felt like we were forgetting something.

"Hey, did any of us remember to bring my crystal ball to the beach?" I asked.

Dead silence followed. Dr. Minos made a bull noise.

"Right, we don't have anywhere to keep it without carrying it," I sighed.

Turning inward, I sent a message.

"Hey, Dʰéǵʰom, do you think we could teach these people how to make magical coolers since they can make magical cell phones?" I thought.

"Sure. Just figure out how to make a magical cooler," the god replied. "Just kidding. I'll tell you how. You just need to get good enough at magic to make one."

I turned to Johannes with a smile.

"Johannes, I know what magical item we're making!" I declared.

"At the beach or in general?" he asked.

"In general," I answered.

Joanna sighed.

"That would normally be a pretty stupid question, but knowing the crazy things you can get up to, Gustav..." she said.

"Everything I've done is perfectly normal," I replied. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to our room to get my crystal ball so Prince Wisimir doesn't make me go back here again."

Sure, he technically doesn't have any right to give me orders because my liege lord is King Eduard the Defenestrator. But I have to keep good relations with Vandalland. And I also want to stay on good terms with Hildoara's brother.

I walked all the way back to our room, grabbed the crystal ball, and walked all the way back to the beach. My retainers were still there, waiting for me.

"What the hell are you doing?" I almost shouted.

"We're waiting for you," Astrid said.

"Well, don't!" I replied. "I'm not going to be able to do anything while carrying this!"

Joanna sighed.

"Gustav, we're not going to..." my wet nurse started.

"I, as your liege lord, order you all to have fun without me," I said.

Joanna let out a deep groan.

"Why did I know you'd do this?" she asked.

"Because you know me the best of everyone here," I answered. "Now, go and have fun. I'll sit on the sand somewhere."

With that, my retainers went to various spots on the beach. Johannes and Astrid ran over to the water. Joanna moved to some...ugh...volleyball courts. Dr. Minos laid down on some jagged rocks to the side and started reading a book. That just left me alone to sit down.

I dialed a number in the crystal ball. In an instant, Prince Wisimir answered it.

"Ah, Saint Gustav, I see you are at the beach! And you exposing enough skin for my sister!" he said.

"Are you sure you're not gay?" I asked.

"I'm not a homosexual," Wisimir answered. "By the gods, I'll have Hildoara find me a wife after she's married you. If anyone heard you, that could cause trouble for the crown of Vandalland."

I shrugged.

"If you want Queen Hildoara to marry me, you need to talk to His Majesty, King Eduard the Defenestrator. He's the one who gets to decide if I can marry a foreigner or not," I stated.

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"That can come later. Right now, I need to make sure King Eduard sees your marriage to Hildoara as an inevitability that can only be postponed. This is one step towards that grand plan," Wisimir said.

A groan escaped my mouth.

"Why do you want me to marry your sister, anyway?" I asked.

"Because she wants to marry you," Wisimir answered. "And the only reason why she doesn't is because of politics. As her brother, I want to help her fulfill her wishes."

I shifted nervously.

"Well, I can't exactly say Wisimir's doing the morally wrong thing," I thought.

"But you still don't agree with his decision?" Dʰéǵʰom asked.

"No. Even if it isn't as moral by my standards, and even if there are more love marriages in this world than in the actual Middle Ages, but Prince Wisimir should be thinking about the good of Vandalland. Queen Hildoara's still a new monarch. Her reign is untested. The best thing for her and Vandalland is if she marries someone who can actually benefit her kingdom and would be loyal to her."

The deity sighed.

"You fit both of those qualities," he said.

"I don't. I'm just some guy," I thought.

"Excuse me while I bash my head against the wall."

There was no sound of head banging.

"Never mind. There aren't any walls in the void. I'll have to wait until I'm out of here," Dʰéǵʰom stated.

"Good luck finding one," I thought before speaking. "Your Highness, if I marry your sister, I will become the King Consort of Vandalland."

"She'd probably make you just be the king. Hildoara told me you're not the sort of person to want to steal power from her or take over for yourself," Prince Wisimir stated.

I couldn't deny that.

"Yes, but how would marrying me benefit Vandalland? If Hildoara wants to get married now, helping her kingdom should be her focus," I said.

"Aside from forging a stronger alliance with Greenrivers through marriage ties, you are a saint. You have the ear of a god. And King Eduard would never declare war on a kingdom with a saint for a king. He's far too religious for that. And even I'd hesitate before warring with a saint," Prince Wisimir replied. "Plus, you tamed a minotaur and a dragon, you're an economic genius, you are part of the reason why my sister is queen in the first place, and you ended a war before it even started. I'm certain you'll accomplish other great things in the future."

"Probably not," I shrugged. "I'm really not that special."

Prince Wisimir winced.

"You know, you're making me a little bit mad, Saint Gustav. Why would my sister fall for a man who isn't special? Are you saying she's some common whore who'd fall for the average man?" he asked.

"Why would a common whore fall for someone average? If someone's a whore, their standards are generally well below average," I answered.

Prince Wisimir grimaced, a glower forming on his face.

"Are you saying my sister is an uncommon whore who'd fall for the average man?" he questioned.

"I don't think uncommon whores would fall for the average man either. That's still a bit too high for their standards," I said.

Prince Wisimir stomped his foot in frustration.

"Are you saying that my sister is an upscale whore who would fall for the average man?"

"Now, see, you're going too high there. An upscale whore is the sort of whore you'd find among noblewomen. Their standards are too high to fall for the average man."

Prince Wisimir suddenly entered deep contemplation. After a few moments of silence, he spoke.

"So, what sort of whore would fall for the average man?"

"What, in the name of the gods, are you two talking about?" Queen Hildoara's voice entered my ears.

"We were talking about whores," I said.

Prince Wisimir looked at me as if I was completely fucking insane. I couldn't blame him. I mean, I just told his sister that I was talking about whores with her brother.

A light sigh came from the monarch's mouth.

"Wisimir, we are finding you a wife as soon as possible," Queen Hildoara stated. "And why are you talking to Saint Gustav about whores? I doubt he's ever even been to a brothel."

"We weren't talking about prostitutes. We were talking about whores. Not all women who sleep around do it for money," I said.

Shock entered Hildoara's voice.

"They don't?" she asked.

"No. Some women just..." I started.

"Anyway!" Prince Wisimir interrupted me. "I can see now that you two are more alike than you seem at first! So, ummm, sister! Look in the crystal ball!"

"Alright," Hildoara said.

I saw her appear in the crystal ball as she stepped over. That's when I got the sudden urge to mess with Prince Wisimir.

"Dʰéǵʰom, would fucking with Prince Wisimir's plans be a good idea?" I thought.

"No," he replied. "Unless you somehow made it look like you're trying to help his plans."

"This is going to be fun," I thought.

I pulled out a dead fish and draped it over the crystal ball. When Hildoara looked into the crystal ball, she saw the corpse. Prince Wisimir was flabbergasted.

"Why is there a dead fish there?" Hildoara asked.

"Do you like seafood?" I questioned.

"Yes," she said.

"When I get back to Greenrivers, why don't I cook some seafood for us? Despite what it may seem, I am a very experienced chef," I replied.

Queen Hildoara smiled.

"That sounds wonderful, Gustav," she said.

Prince Wisimir's jaw dropped to the ground. He recomposed himself and looked at me like I was some sort of mad genius. I then removed the dead fish.

"Gustav, why aren't you wearing a shirt?" Hildoara asked.

"I'm on the beach," I answered.

"You brought your crystal ball to a beach?"

"Yes."

Hildoara looked confused.

"But then you'd have to carry it with you, and you couldn't do any fun beach things," she said. "I mean, I don't know what those are. I've never been to a beach. But they're apparently fun."

"That is all correct," I stated. "Except for the fun part. I don't like beaches."

"Then, why did you bring it to the beach? Why go to the beach at all?" Hildoara asked. "If you wanted to call me shirtless, you could have just done that in a private room."

Prince Wisimir was shrinking back. A look of guilt had crossed his face. Suspicion entered Queen Hildoara's eyes. She started turning towards him.

"Alright, time to cover for Wisimir," I thought before speaking loud and fast. "So, Hildoara, how is everything going with the trade deal with Greenrivers?"

She turned back to me.

"You know that already. You've been to all the meetings between Greenrivers and Vandalland."

Even greater suspicion entered her eyes.

"Wisimir, did you order Gustav to go to the beach just so you could get me to see him shirtless?" she asked.

Sweat poured down Wisimir's brow. He looked around really fast.

"Oh, hey, Duke Carini's over there! He needs me for something!" Wisimir said.

He then shoved his crystal ball into Hildoara's hands and ran off. She sighed.

"I swear, Wisimir needs more education politics," Hildoara stated. "I apologize for his behavior, Gustav."

"It's fine. I don't even really hate beaches. I just didn't want to go so I wouldn't have to see my wet nurse in a bikini," I replied.

"That doesn't make it better," she said.

I shrugged.

"Just let it go. Now that Wisimir's plan's been exposed, he won't do it again," I stated.

"And yet, you covered for him," Hildoara noted.

"It isn't really that big a deal," I said. "At least, it's nothing worth causing an incident over."

That was the real issue. Hildoara was right that Wisimir didn't know enough about politics.

"Right, it isn't," the monarch nodded.

Then, there was a moment of silence.

"Gustav, if your liege agrees to it after things settle down..." Hildoara started.

"Yes?" I asked.

"Would you like to come to Vandalland and see one of the beaches here?" she questioned. "Obviously, I'd have my royal guard with me, but we could make it as private as we can."

I gave her a soft smile.

"If you can somehow get His Majesty King Eduard the Defenestrator to agree to that, I would like that," I replied. "But you should find someone better than me if you want to get married. I don't think marrying me would benefit Vandalland."

Hildoara shook her head.

"As brilliant as you are, Gustav, you're not right about everything. In fact, I'd say you're wrong about almost everything related to yourself. And I suppose a faint hope is better than no hope. I'll talk to you later, Gustav. Right now, I need to get this crystal ball back to my brother."

"See you, Hildoara," I said.

And with that, she turned off the crystal ball call.