"I doubt you're actually gonna summon a demon. Oh, and even if you did, it's probably several million years old. I doubt it wants to see people in shabby robes. Bet you 50 bucks he likes my suit better than that crap." I reply, bored.
"Hah! Bow before our god and repent fool! These robes are a recreation of what we saw in the ancient drawings of Zytra!" Cackled the head cultist, his shabby blood-red robe swirling around him.
"Nah, I'm leaving. You told me you had the opportunity for an occult historian, not a bloody cult. " I sigh. These idiots always waste my time. As I turn to leave, I witness something I will never forget happened.
"Do it!" The leader yelled. Moments later, the cultists light their candles in unison and start the ritual to summon Zytra. Moments later, a thundering crash can be heard, the entire room shaking. A chandelier falls, plunging this already dark and dirty room into even deeper darkness. The church hall shakes one last time, then goes silent. The followers of Zytra bow reverently, staring at their God, a man with cobalt skin and an impeccable blood red business suit. His incredibly professional and modern appearance looks out of place surrounded by the filthy church and the rather shabby looking robes all the cultists are wearing. As the cultist's reverent eyes slowly memorize his visage, his mouth opens, to deliver his wise message.
"What the fuck!?" He yells, clearly incensed.
Everyone else in the room stared, completely dumbfounded. After a couple of seconds of silence, he repeated himself.
"Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, would you like to answer me?"
"Lord Zytra, please understand, we-"
"Oh, fuck off. I hate telemarketers, is this just another version of this crap?"
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"No our lord, we-"
"Baby god on a stick shut up. I'm calling Satan." Silence. The suited demon pulls out a metal flip phone and proceeds to dial a number.
"Hello?... Yeah, it's me...Yeah...Some assholes summoned me...Yeah, I won't make my 5 o'clock...Wait for what? That can't be...I thought we blocked him?..ok...yeah...fuck you too...k bye"
Throughout his entire call, the room is deathly silent. Turning he stares at the cultists, he sighs.
"So apparently, you guys are cultists or someshit, and worship me right?"
"Yes, our lord Zytra, the eternal deity of all knowledge, bringer of absolute justice, the devil's advocate!"
"Ok... uhh- How did you get my SIN?"
"SIN?" The head cultist replied, confused.
"Satanic Incarnation Number. How. Did. You. Get. It?" He says gesturing an extremely long number stencilled in a circle around the summoning circle. No response from the cultists.
"God this is why I hate working with humans. Look, guys, I appreciate the sentiment, I really do, but I'm a busy guy. Now I have to fly like, 6 lightyears in half an hour or I'm gonna miss 6'oclock appointment too. Do you guys at least know how to send me places?"
"Umm...No?" The cult leader replied, embarrassed."
"What do you mean no!? It's the first thing they teach you."
"Teach? We found these texts in this abandoned church. Did you place them here?"
"Jesus Christ."
"What?
"No, I mean Jesus Christ did it. He's been pissy since I put a legal tax on Christmas. I've never even been on this bloody planet."
The cultists stared, confused.
"Well, if you guys really are serious about summoning me..." He waved his arms, and a gigantic stack of books appeared on the ground in front of him, large enough to reach up to the church ceiling. "Read up. I don't want to have to deal with this amateur crap again. Oh, and for the love of me never wear those crappy robes again. Be professional. I expect you all to summon me in business attire next time. Oh, and since I'm your king or whatever, I select him-" He points at me "-as your new leader. At least he's wearing a business suit."
A second of amazement passes, before the demon phases away from reality. Silence ensues. The cultists stare at their leader, wondering how to react. Before anyone can respond, I jump in front of the leader.
"Give me my 50 bucks." The ex-cult leader sighs grudgingly hands me a 50$ bill and leaves the church.
And that is how I, an occult historian, became a cult leader.