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A God's Guide To Humaning

A God's Guide To Humaning

The Gods. The most imposing beings of reality. In all of Zentra, there were few beings that could even withstand viewing the faces of the Gods - much less interact with them in meaningful ways. So if humanity could not come up to the heights of the Gods, then the Gods must descend.

A genius thought. Humanity had already thought of several stories and tales of Gods coming to the mortal plane - many detailing adventures in their human forms, such as conquering sovereign nations, repopulating sovereign nations, birthing monuments, birthing children, fighting wars, and of course, increasing their followers in numbers - through procreation.

It would all go wonderfully, the Gods learning how to use the lesser human body's in ways no humans could think of. It would be wonderful.

Not quite. It seemed that the Gods, despite nearly a millennia of descending to the mortal plane, had still not gotten any better at being alive. This leads to the sad situation unfolding in front of me right now. Ether, the goddess of poison and plague twiddles her thumbs nervously, the rest of her body cloaked by darkness.

"So, what happened?" I asked, the disappointment already evident in my voice.

"I uhh... poisoned myself?"

"How."

"I... er, well, you see... I ate laundry detergent."

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"You drank bleach?"

"No, ate it. I ate tide pods."

"So, you mean to tell me, after I spent over 20 hours straight teaching you every single possible hazardous warning label you would find in America, expressly forbidding from interacting with, you still poison yourself!?" I screeched.

"I didn't buy them though. I found them in somebody else house, and they looked like candy." She pouted, her shrouded figuring slumping over.

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE BLOODY WARNING LABELS, YOU BRAINLESS ALCHEMIST!? DONT. TOUCH. THAT. SHIT!" I boomed. And when I say boomed, I mean boomed. As God of the MDC (Mortal Disciplinary Committee), that was my only power. To shout over childish Gods. A moment of silence passes, and after Ether gets over her shock, she mutely replies.

"I didn't see the label though. It was just on the floor and it looked tasty."

"Remember when I told you that not everything that looks edible is edible?" I say, my voice straining.

"Yeesss..." She sheepishly replied.

"Remember why blue Gatorade and Windex come in different bottles?" My voice straining even further.

"Yeeeessss..."

"Why were you even in the house anyway?"

"Looking for rat poison..." She answers, shamefacedly.

I sigh. A long exhale, that goes on for nearly forever, at least from Ethers point of view.

"Look, Ether, I get that you're excited to see how your divine abilities manifest in the real world, but your not at the level where you are even able to take care of yourself yet. Hell, you still get forget to breathe every once in a while."

"But... but..." She protests weakly. I level my stare at her.

"Next time you try something like this, I'll make sure you have to stay in your mortal body and stay alive for a full week before being able to come back to the immortal realm. Every time you mess up, you come back as a human, no second chances." Ether freezes. Ferti, the god of farming, has been stuck as a human being for years.

"Okay," She mutely replied, her imposing, wraithlike figure slowly shuffling out the room.