He sighed again and rubbed at his forehead.

“The world is changing Freddie. I've been busier since the snow has really started to fall than I've been during even my busiest times of summer. When I'm chasing Necrophages around battlefields. So do me a favour will you. Tell people that. Publish that. Let people know that winter is no longer a time for people to relax and take it easy while the rest of the world sleeps. Radovid invading Kaedwen was just the beginning. War will start happening more and more over the Winter. Monsters are going to start coming out when it snows and people will be completely unprepared.”

The small part of me that Emma claims to be my latent romantic soul. The part of me that is also part poet stirred in the depths of my chest.

“In the depths of winter.” I said. “When people burrow in to their homes and don't talk to their neighbours. Where weeks and months go past without seeing another soul. All of this until the spring sun melts the snows and people emerge from their homes. Wiping the sleep from their eyes and they realise that their neighbours house is ruined. Stew burnt to a crisp in the hearth and only a small splatter of blood to show what had happened. Then a small child comments that she thought she heard someone screaming in the wind.”

“And the parents are forced to admit that they told their child that it was just their imagination.” Kerrass finished my narrative for me. “It's a bleak picture isn't it. Then the rulers will say that there are always losses in Winter. That it must be a bear or a Wolf or something despite the fact that Bears are hibernating and Wolves can't do that kind of thing. It won't be until someone... heh.” He spat. “Reputable sees something that the problem will be taken seriously. But by then it will be too late. Too late for so many people who could have been saved.”

We rode on in silence for a while.

“Well this conversation took a turn for the cheery awfully quickly didn't it.” I commented.

“It's not wrong though.” Kerrass commented. “It's no exaggeration to say these things. The world really is changing. Relative peace is going to reign now despite the wars happening around Cidaris and Verden. And it will for a while, until we either figure out how to cross the sea to Ofier in big enough numbers.”

“Or over the desert to Zerrikania.” I thought.

“But neither will happen in our lifetime Freddie.”

“I am not reassured by that.”

“No, I suppose not.” He sniffed. “But next time you get together with that group of people who are looking at bringing more Witchers into the world then you might want to mention this. It is my opinion, as a duly appointed Guildmaster of the Feline branch of the Greater Witcher's Guild.”

“As named by the Empress of Nilfgaard no less.” I teased.

“Yes. You really should be bowing Freddie.”

I bowed in the saddle.

“But the seasonal patterns of Witcher's work is no longer a thing.” Kerrass went on. “There need to be Witchers active for all the year round so if there are any improvements that need to be made. It needs to be in the form of resilience to extreme cold. I'm sure that there can be mutations that can be invented to deal with that. But also, our pattern has been that we rest over the winter. We occasionally take breaks during the year, but we need rest occasionally to overcome the physical and mental pressures of dealing with our lives. So we need protections to stop entitled lords dragging us from our sick beds. Or our rest. To demand that we do what they tell us, without the proper precautions, in the middle of a blizzard. Or a deep freeze. Because they will demand that. It's been done before and it never ends well for anyone involved.”

“I will remember to mention that the next time I write a report. There's not a lot of activity in that regard at the moment though. The Lodge is working on new forms of the mutations to make them safer, but until we can do that reliably and safely, the idea is dead in the water anyway.”

Kerrass waved his hand. “It's been less than a year since the effort started. If the Empress is determined, it will happen sooner rather than later.”

He was probably right.

The cottage came into sight and I realised that I did remember the place. It was an older, stone building that I expect was once, much more valued than it clearly was at the moment. If I had to bet, I would go further to say that it was really an old farming cottage or farming house that had been built when the land had first been populated, but then the distance to the commerce or the centre of things had prompted a change. Maybe the family had outgrown this original building or... there can ben any number of reasons why the one place gets passed over in favour of any other. It had been cared for. There were different coloured blocks of stone in the wall to show where stones had been repaired and patched together. The roof had been patched as well. So it was cared for as a useful building. But not loved as a home.

I remember not wanting to leave this place on my way to go and see Ariadne. I shivered.

“Are you alright Freddie?” Kerrass asked.

“I'm fine.”

“I ask because you've stopped your horse in the middle of the track and have turned as white as a sheet.”

I took a deep breath. “I'm fine Kerrass. Let's press on, the sooner we get to somewhere warm, the better for everyone I suppose.”

Kerrass peered at me a bit longer. “Fair enough.” Then he turned and we carried on.

I got the feeling that Kerrass had made something of a home for himself in this small cottage oujt of the way. He led us into the barn that was attached to the building with confidence and surety. There was straw and things laid out for the horses and the two of us worked at caring for our steeds. Not that we had come very far. A ride of a couple of hours at most. It would be shorter in the spring, but it had taken us a good amount of the afternoon. We took our time as well. Making sure that the horses were going to be nice and warm as well as making sure that there was plenty of food.

We rubbed them down, wrapped them in blankets and locked them into the makeshift stalls that had been put together with some leftover tools.

Kerrass talked as we worked.

“I met the owner of the cottage. Nice family a bit further down. I wanted to know if it was alright to make use of the space. Turns out that I know them, the father and eldest son actually marched into Angraal city with us back when Ariadne first got released. So they remembered me well. You remember the guard that I told to clean his sword with a fake oil?”

I didn't and I said so.

“Well, he remembers. I told him that if Ariadne began to act up then he should coat his sword with this oil and I gave him a small bottle of stuff that he was to wipe his sword down with.”

“I'm sorry Kerrass, I really don't remember that.”

“You did have other things on your mind at the time. You were still drugged up to your eye-balls and other things have taken over in your memory, but you did write about it at the time. But still, I gave him a small bottle of apple juice and the guard in question did as he was told and then couldn't understand why his sword began to rust and stick in the scabbard. But he told the other guards and they all did the same thing. The owner of this place was one of those other guards. He told me that he and the others got into so much trouble for not maintaining their weapons properly.”

We laughed together at the image.

“I felt a little guilty afterwards to be honest.” Kerrass admitted. “He told me not to bother. That the person who got it in the neck the most was the first guy who told them all to do it. He was a corporal of some kind.”

“Did that guy survive?”

“He did and was later kicked out of Angral for refusing to serve Ariadne. Apparently he was plotting an overthrow with a group of his other ne'er do wells and tried to get our erstwhile Landlord involved. The Landlord being that, creative, kind of intelligence that looks like stupidity, checked what was going on with certain people and the plot was neutralised. Without our Landlord being blamed for snitching.”

When we finished, Kerrass led us into the main house where we fell into our old patterns with astonishing ease. I set out the bed rolls and arranged the camp while Kerrass built up the fire again in the stone hearth.

When he had done that, I took over again, taking proper inventory of the stores that Ariadne had given us for our use while we were out here. She had done us proud, leaving us some pork steaks which I cut up and added into the pot before stealing some of the apple wine while Kerrass wasn't looking and added it along with the pork. An onion, some wild garlic, rosemary and sage went in as well until it was bubbling. I also added another pot which was set to melting a large amount of the fresh snow from outside. We would need the water for tea and also for cooking the carrots and the potatos that had been added to the supplies.

Then there was bacon and sausages for the morning. There was also mushrooms, cheese, apples and several fresh loaves.

Ariadne had supplied us well and we would be living easily.

But I just got everything to a point where it could be left and took up my spear. Kerrass had been waiting for me for a while and we went back out to the small barn and impromptu stable where we went through some exercises. I was tired, cold and stiff during the entire practice but it did feel good to do some proper training again. Kerrass watched me and corrected technique where necessary, but we didn't train for long. I was blown by the time we were done.

“Don't want to push it too hard.” Kerrass told me as he stowed his steel sword away. “You've clearly done a bit of work in the meantime but you're body's moved into it's winter associations. So it's slowing down.”

“I feel slow.” I commented.

“And you are. You would still be a match for the vast majority of standard bandits on the continent but you wouldn't stand against a trained knight. But they will also all be noticing a drop off in their own capabilities as well so you would not be alone. The trick to surviving the winter is to just take your time and to keep things moving. Keep the blood pumping and keeping the body from utterly freezing itself stiff and solid.”

“Fair enough.” I said. “We've not actually wintered together yet have we?”

“We haven't.” He was moving over to the box that Ariadne had given to him. “I'm normally not a very nice person over the course of the winter. I get grumpy very easily, at all the forced laziness.”

“Really Kerrass?” I let the sarcasm show. “I would never have guessed.” I found a spot on the bench to perch on the end of while Kerrass unwrapped his bundle.

Kerrass grinned at me, his own excitement was becoming infectious. The box had contained a wrapped bundle of soft cloth and he unwrapped the wool from around the long thin bundle and a small look of quiet awe came over his face as he unwrapped his new Silver sword.

I have little appreciation for the aesthetic beauty of weaponry, but even I could tell that the thing was a work of genius. There was a gentle leaf shaped pattern to the blade which meant that there was still a curve to it. This for the aid with slashing as well as a point that could be sharpened to a needle. Quillions were twisted and patterned and when I got closer I could see that they were patterned and carved in the nature of a Sea-Serpent's scales. With the ends being carved into the form of said serpent. The handle was wire wrapped with enough room for two hands, one above the other. The pommel was round and the symbol of the Wave-Serpent that Helfdan had given Kerrass could clearly be seen. A slightly darker metal from that of the rest of the weapon. Elven runes were carved into the blade that seemed to glow in the torchlight and reflected the cold winter light.

“It always takes a long time.” Kerrass almost whispered. “It always taked Eibhear a long time to forge any weapon. You send him messages asking him when the weapon is going to be ready and you ask and ask and ask and he tells you that it's not ready yet. That it will be soon and that all you need is a little patience. Then you are left waiting and waiting and waiting and then. Just when you are about to give up and ask for your money back. he comes out with something like this.”

He took a deep breath and slung the blade on his back, strapping it into place before moving into the middle of the room and he just stood there for a moment.

I have seen people move faster. Ariadne, Jack maybe a couple of others. But Kerrass was the original bar that I set things to. He moved then and the new sword seemed to leap out of the scabbard and into his hand. I am well aware of things now and I saw his left hand move.

Then he just stood again. Settled into a high stance with the sword above his head, poised and ready to strike. Then again, he started to move. Slowly at first, very very slowly as he moved from stance to stance and back again before he would take another step and another step. Turn, half turn, this way, that way, this leg, that leg. One handed stances, two handed stances. Forwards, backwards, left, right, circling sunwise and anti-sunwise. It was like a dance. The only time I would ever say that any of Kerrass' movements have been even approaching the sight of a dance.

Then he stopped. Straightened and put the sword away.

“Beautiful.” He said after a while. “He truly could not have done better for me.”

“I'm glad.” I told him and I was.

I would have said more but then Kerrass started to move again. Sword leaping into hand and into motion. It was hypnotic and this was no longer a dance. It was a frenzy of movement that I could no longer follow. Beautiful was not the word for it. I watched and waited. Giving up even trying to follow what he was going. But then he stopped again and stood, frozen still in the middle of the barn.

“Yes.” He said, “It serves.”

We moved back through to the other part of the building where I set to work on the next stage of the cooking while Kerrass opened the first bottle of wine.

“There was more wine here.” He said after a moment. “I was sure there was more wine here.”

“You must have miscounted.” I told him. “You know what you're like with wine bottles. You get all optimistic and overcount.”

“I know but I was really careful.” He sighed and dismissed the mystery. “The food smells good though.”

“Well don't hold your breath.” I told him. “It's going to be a while yet.”

Kerrass placed his new sword almost reverently next to the old one.

“What happens to the old one?” I asked.

“I have not decided.” He told me. “My last silver sword, before this one, broke. I was fighting a mutation on a giant centipede and the thing's acid spit overwhelmed the normal oils and destroyed the blade. I killed it with the shards and the stump of the blade but by the time I got to the surface the blade all but crumbled in my fingers. The Steel blades always came from Feline keep and I never found out what happened to the old ones. I suspect that they used to get re formed into training blades. Grind the edges down and blunt the points and it's a good way to train kids so that it will still hurt if they mistreat the blade. But is less likely to kill. But this one? It has served me well and I only set it aside because I know it is weakening. It does not hold an edge any more and needs to be sharpened to get the nicks out more and more. I do not think it will even make it through the next year.”

He sighed. “I had considered giving it to you for a wedding present. A souvenir from our journeys but now that I think about it, I think that might be a bit disrespectful.”

“Who to?” I wondered with a smile. “Me or the blade?”

“Both,” Kerrass said seriously despite the smile. “He deserves to be useful in retirement if he is not going to die in battle. He deserves more than to be hung up over a mantlepiece because you would never use it. You know enough to know that such a matter would be pointless.”

“I would.”

“And as for you? You deserve better than one of my cast-offs.”

“What have you got in mind for my wedding then?”

He sighed and passed me the now half drained bottle. “Do you still want me there?”

I very nearly said something glib. Very nearly made a joke. But there was something there under the question that made me feel the pain that was there.

“Of course I do Kerrass.” I told him. “You are my best friend. I love both my brothers but you are the person I am closest to. I owe you everything. I have missed you, more than I can say.”

He didn't look at me as I said that. Just stared into space for a moment before looking at me enough to take the bottle back and nodding.

We didn't say anything for a while after that. Passing the bottle backwards and forwards while I stirred the stew.

“I'm sorry Freddie. I truly am.”

Just when I thought that that was it. Just when I thought that there was going to be no more to our reconciliation. Kerrass had started to speak again.

And I would have been alright with that. I am not one of these foolish, over-masculine idiots that thinks that I am less of a man for trying to talk about my feelings or what I am doing or how I am feeling. I will admit that this is sometimes difficult but I will admit, especially now, that it is vital that these kinds of things are done.

But I would have been happy if nothing else had been said, if nothing else had been done. I had said what I had needed to say and I felt as though the gulf that had grown up between meeting his Goddess and our arrival in Angral had been bridged. I thought there were some changes to the nature of our relationship but there was still a friendship there. I was even hoping that our friendship might even be a bit closer than it had been before. But I would have been happy to leave it there.

Kerrass said his piece and continued to stare into the middle distance for a while. Not really moving. Then he stirred in place and kind of stared around himself as though something had startled him. Like he was surprised that he had spoken at all.

“I should have warned you what was going to happen. It would have made her angry and she would have taken it out on me. But, it would have better prepared you for what was going to come. I placed the Goddess' wishes above your... health and I should not have done that. I am sorry. Truly Sorry. Please believe that I will never do that again. And should we continue to travel together, either in the spring or in some distant future after you are married. Then I will explain everything in advance, I promise. I will never do that again.”

I didn't have anything to say to that. Slowly, his eyes rose to meet mine and I saw just how unhappy he was. I decided to throw him a bone.

“Well, that's a little up in the air at the moment.” I told him. “Apparently, we're all going to Toussaint to see the new order of Knights Errant being invested, as well as the official handover of law and order coming from the Imperial forces and back into the hands of the knights. After that?” I shrugged.

Kerrass nodded. Then a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “After all that feasting and dancing and partying, you'll be too fat to hit the road.”

I threw something at him. I have no idea what. Possibly a spoon or an apple.

Then he sighed and his humour retreated. “But I'm not done apologising yet.” He told me. “I should not have pushed you away afterwards. I should have seen how....” he blew out a breath. “I should have seen how hurt you were and done my best to take care of that.”

“Why didn't you?” I wondered quietly.

He laughed, with humour but more than a little bitterness involved as well.

“You see, this was why I was reluctant to talk about this. It was because I knew that I would have to answer these questions.”

He opened the next bottle by pulling the cork out with his teeth and spitting it aside. A trick that I always admired in others but always leaves me feeling stupid when I do it.

“The simplest reasons in the world Freddie. Indeed the oldest reasons in the world when a woman comes between two men. I was angry and I was jealous.”

I said nothing. Just stirring the stew occasionally.

“What did she look like?” Kerrass asked, once again, just as I was beginning to be sure that the conversation had moved on. “The Goddess I mean. What did she look like?”

“Uh.” I struggled for the words. I had a sudden flash of a dirty face. Mud and blood covered skin, flames reflected in eyes and a shining white smile. I remembered the feeling of flesh beneath my hands and I flushed at a very brief flash of arousal. “I don't really remember.” I told him. And I wasn't lying. The time that I had spent working on those memories and writing them down was somewhere behind me now. “She was tall.” I said. “Long dark hair I think. I would go so far as to say that she was pale-skinned. I remember pale arms and a smile.”

I shuddered.

“I remember that spear and I remember thinking that I was going to die.”

Kerrass nodded.

“She is always blonde to me. Golden blonde rather than Ciri's white, ash blonde, and I always struggle to remember her face afterwards as well. She was blonde this time as well.” He sighed and passed me the bottle back after taking a long drink from it. “Every time. Every time that I summon her or I meet her on the road, I promise myself that it was the last time that I do it. This will be the last time that I allow myself to get all worked up over her. And every time, I know it for the lie that it is.

“She comes into my life and she tears everything apart. Everything. I hate her and I love her in equal measure. I was furious with her for silencing me and I was furious with you for the fact that she wanted to talk to you first. I wanted to guide you through the encounter. I wanted to preserve some sense of my mystique. To keep the illusion that I know more than you. Just a little bit more, about the way the world works and the way that life falls when we aren't looking. That world beyond your castle walls and untouched by the torchlight of the city streets.

“But I should have known that she wouldn't have preserved that. I should have known that she would defy my expectations and do her best to turn things on their heads. I was so angry Freddie.”

I nodded. “You don't have to talk about...”

“Yes I do Freddie. Yes I do. I just promised that I will hold nothing back from you. Witcher's secrets? I will still withold those, although you have proven your trustworthiness in that regard and I rather fancy that you could easily put the rest together if you put your mind to it. But this... Yeah, I do. I do need to tell you what was going on. I owe you that much. Even if it just completes your image of her. So that you will know more about her and the kinds of creatures, Gods or not, like her that come to this world from others with a power that we do not understand and is contrary to the powers that we know about of our world.”

He took a few moments.

“Here's the thing. All that time she was talking to you. She wasn't just talking to you. She was talking to me as well. That was the thing that I figured out while I was out on the path while you were recovering at Ariadne's place. And it was that truth that hit me in the face rather hard. All the time she was telling you about the way the world worked, she was telling me as well.

“I had not thought of that night. The night where I wound up at the inn's door with a Devourer in a sack over the back of my horse. I never told you about that did I?”

“You did not.”

Kerrass sighed again. The words seemed to be coming from a long way away.

“She was right in what she told you. I was on the verge of giving up then. Although I could not have told you that at the time. We met, what, in the spring?”

“Yeah, somewhere about then.”

“I had been in the South for a couple of years. I had had another idea as to how Princess Dorne could be woken up. It hadn't worked of course and I was nursing my sorrows in the village nearby when I finally managed to learn that some people had.... attacked the Princess recently. They always try to keep it from me on the surface, but then someone “lets it slip” that something has happened. That way the village can always pretend that it was just some lone Witcher that has snuck into someone's home and killed a bunch of people.”

He stared into space, the half empty bottle in his hand just rested there, forgotten.

“I was getting worse. Sinking towards the monster stereotype that people always like to make of Cat Witchers. I no longer even had the pretense of honour that I had had when I first went out hunting the Prince and his followers all that time ago. Now I was just a Witcher hunting men that I had decided were monsters. I was brutal, I was fast, I made sure that they knew why they were being killed and Goddess help me. I enjoyed it.

“Self-loathing is a powerful thing, a seductive thing. I had forgotten that there was a purpose to things. My most recent marriage, by which I meant the last woman that I had properly loved, had died maybe twenty years before-hand and I was sinking. I no longer cared. I was dying in truth. Just going through the motions. I've seen it before in other Witchers but I was too stubborn to see it in myself.

“There is not much to tell about that time. It was a hard hunt and with the, then, relative scarcity of monsters in the South, I was working hand to mouth. I could no longer separate being a Witcher from being the Princess' sword of justice. So I finally killed my last man, the local guardsmen, now Imperial ones, were on my tail and closing in on me fast and so I fled North.

To find that the Feline Keep had been sacked and destroyed again. Redanian forces had done the job properly this time, driving off the last few survivors who, like the Wolves at Kaer Morhen, refuse to let go of the past and returned after the most recent time it got destroyed. I hadn't wintered there for a number of years. I spent some time looking around to find out what had happened. Like Kaer Morhen, we had been hit years before but this time they had done the job properly. We were still a little lucky in that Cat's don't have the same fondness for Feline keep than the Wolves have for theirs. But I still felt it's loss and the death of my brothers keenly. It was too late in the season for me to make it to Kaer Morhen or any of the other places that I might find shelter. So there I was. One last Feline Witcher in an old, deserted Witcher's keep. With the leavings and the remains of my dead brothers and my old life.

“At the time, I shrugged and got on with things. I didn't think any more of it. But looking back, I suspect it was eating at me. The Self-loathing that always accompanied any of my trips to the South to see the Princess was in full swing. I was out of the keep as soon as the local paths were easily passable and I was sure that I wouldn't freeze to death.

“That close to the war front, there were more deserted lands which meant that the monster population had grown again. Then I got injured once and couldn't afford the proper ingredients for the proper potions. I healed badly and took on a more dangerous monster. More dangerous because I needed the money and didn't have time to do the job properly. I was lucky that time.

“And it was luck. It was bald-faced luck.

“Then, it was exactly like I once talked to you about. I didn't want to live any more. But that Devourer really was... well... devouring people. So if I didn't kill it then I would be... letting those people down. The innkeeper was a pain in the ass. But his stablehands were relatively nice people and his daughter and her husband were kind enough to give me somewhere to sleep and they didn't deserve to be found in the belly of a Necrophage.

“So I killed it. I don't remember “letting” it injure me. But I was not surprised. Nor was I surpried when the Innkeeper refused to give me somewhere to stay and by then, a night in a hedgerow, which was exactly what I intended to do, would not have let me heal. Even with the potions that I had.

“Could I have stopped and stayed somewhere in one of the nearby wood-cutting sheds after killing the monster? Absolutely. Could I then have healed properly? Yes I could. So why didn't I?”

He shook his head. “I just didn't. I remember no clear logical thought as to why that would be the case. I do not remember deciding to die. I just remember deciding to make the trip to the inn to get my payment. I wasn't thinking any further ahead than that.”

“I knew that I wouldn't be allowed a room. I knew it. But I tried anyway. I was resigned. It was this strange kind of.... resignation almost. I knew that I wasn't going to get a room and so I knew that I was going to spend the night in a hedge which meant that my injuries would have progressed beyond the point that my potions and mutagens would be able to save me.

“But I did it anyway. People are more receptive to Witchers now than they have been since the earliest days of our existence. Back when the sight of a Witcher coming over the hill was more welcome than the company of knights, or the relief at a battlefield. You bear more than a small amount of responsibility for that progress yourself Freddie. You should stand up and own it occasionally. You made us acceptable. More than the works of Dandelion because you have reputation to go with it. You have prestige and your work cannot be dismissed by naysayers and Kings like Radovid and knightly orders like the Flaming Rose. You are credible.

“But there I was and as I looked down from my horse at that fat innkeeper, that didn't know that I had slept with his wife, and I knew that he was killing me with his denial and that I had killed myself with taking that chance.

“Then a skinny, pale, gangly little shit said that I could share his room.”

He laughed at a thought for a long time.

“I remember being dissappointed. I was almost angry with you for giving me a way to survive.”

“I remember.” I told him with a smile. “I remember you doing your level best to get me to change my mind and to run off.”

He laughed at that. “I thought I was being so clever. I thought that this little puke wasn't going to last a week on the road. And then you kept doing what I told you. Over and over and over again I would give you this unpleasant task or be ridiculously over the top over needless precautions at night.”

“I remember the bells.” I told him. “The bells that you put around the camp so that they would ring if anyone would be sneaking up on us. You didn't tell me about them so you made me take all these watches of the night so that I would stay up all night in case someone would sneak up on us.”

A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

“I was so sure that you wouldn't stand for that. So sure that you would demand your full night's sleep.”

I laughed at him. “Ah Kerrass. I'm a student. Many is the night where I've spent all night staying up and studying, or partying, or both.”

“You never partied Freddie. You would not have known how until I showed you.”

“Oh I knew.” I retorted quickly. “But not the kind of party that I was willing to get involved with.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I like parties with relatively small groups of friends where I know all the people involved and we can get comfortably drunk and spend the evening in good company.”

“I notice you don't mention the courtesans and prostitutes involved there.”

“I don't. Those are always welcome, even if I'm not partaking. But what I didn't enjoy were those parties that seemed to involve competitions as to who could get drunkest first. I remember one party and I swear that this is true, I was out on the street getting some fresh air. There was an outhouse out the back, a garderobe on the upper floor and two chamber pots.”

“This seems like unimportant detailing Freddie.”

“I promise that this becomes relevent. As well as this there was a sink in the kitchen, two drains out the back and a large, all purpose plantpot. People weren't using these spots to go to the toilet, they were using these spots to vomit in. It was a situation where, if you wanted to relieve yourself, you had to step over the unconscious people that were asleep in the way.”

“As we speak Freddie, I am adjusting your Stag party accordingly.”

“Grateful to you. But back to the original story. I distinctly have a memory of being out the front of the house passing a bottle round with a few friends. I was drunk enough to be kissing girls I didn't know, but not drunk enough to allow any of them to take me home.”

“You might have had more fun.”

“I might have picked up the pox knowing some of those women. Or I might have if I had more of an idea what to do once I got them home. But I distinctly remember sitting outside and hearing someone shout “One of the vomit spots is free.” and someone else yelling. “Thank the Flame for that.” Followed by the sound of running feet.”

Kerrass laughed.

“Until that night, I never knew that someone could be explosively vomiting and still sound relieved with it.”

Kerrass laughed even harder.

Silence fell for a little bit after that.

“I've interviewed other people Kerrass.” I told him. “I've interviewed Watchmen after particular cases. I've interviewed veterans about battles that they've fought in and I've interviewed bankers and beaurocrats about things when I was still hoping to use my newfound skills in Father's ventures. And not one has been entirely comfortable with being interviewed. Unless they are trying to sell something.”

“Sell something?”

“Yeah, a narrative, some goods, a falsehood, a religion.”

“Ah.”

“So, to be honest Kerrass. You were not that problematic a subject. At least you couldn't kick me out of your house and you had a monetary incentive to keep me around. I was fairly confident that I could just wear you down eventually.”

“And you did.”

“And I did.”

“I hated you that first week Freddie. I was constantly waiting for you to sneak off during the night.”

“Here's a question that I've been meaning to ask you. You kept threatening to kill me if I made any mistakes or anything. Would you have done that?”

Kerrass took a drink as he thought about it before passing the bottle back. “I'm a different person now to what I was then. So I would like to think that I wouldn't. I remember a moment, a day or two in, when I promised myself that if you ever did anything to willfully endanger me. Then I would kill you. In other words, if you outright called out to the monster just to spite me or deliberately went against my instructions. Then I would leave you to die. Or if you had started trying to steal Witcher secrets. You know, if I had found you in my potion box then your head would have rolled. But to be honest, by that point, you had shown that you were not going to do any of those things.”

He sighed at the memories. “If it was a choice between you or me then I would have made that choice happily.”

I nodded. It was a little disquieting. I was well aware that we had moved past that point. But it was still... a little off-putting that someone opposite you would have thought that.

“When did your opinion of me start to change?” I wondered.

“Oh, almost immediately. When you reacted the way you did when we first sparred. When you ran into the house to save the kid. When you didn't try and give me up to What'sisname in the village. That you faced your fear in the woods and then when you were outraged at the way that the village treated me, treated us.”He shifted his weight to become more comfortable. “You saw the dismissive nature of it.” He said. “Most would not. Most have not. That was.... telling to me.”

The food was ready. I scooped out the middle of two loaves and scooped the stew into the shells, passed one to Kerrass and took one for myself.

“I see where the missing bottle went.” He accused.

“Well, do you want me to cook pork without some kind of apple alcohol involved?” I wondered with my mouthful.

“I suppose not.”

“Kerrass, with the amount of what we have, you can get nicely drunk for a man of your constitution. Remember that we are back in the saddle tomorrow.”

“Fair point.”

“After that,” Kerrass mused as he ate. “I resisted thinking of you as my friend for quite a while. But I knew that I was losing that battle early on. I remember being dissappointed in you when you made the joke about the troll which was a big pointer. But it was the... the manipuation to get you into the forest at Amber's Corssing that actively made me ill. I thought that I was sacrificing the first new friend that I had made in years upon the alter of my own arrogance and stupidity and I hated myself for that.”

“Why did you do that?” I wondered. “Why did you take that job? You didn't have to. I remember Letho telling me that he thought that you taking that job was foolish. That he would have walked away.”

“And he would have been right to do so.” Kerrass said before scratching his chin and sighing. “I should have walked away from that and I should have taken you with me. But the truth was that I couldn't. As soon as I realised what was going on, you and I should have quietly collected our goods. At sword point if necessary and taken our horses and moved on. But I just couldn't.

“Looking back, I was changing then. I was still fighting it with everything that I had, but I was changing. I was no longer as happy to just take the money and run. I think I once told you that the old me would have killed Tom the Troll's wife and kid before collecting the money before washing my hands and walking away. But I couldn't do it. You had become my conscience. Sitting on my shoulder and telling me what was going on. So back to Amber's Crossing....”

He scratched his chin.

“I just couldn't walk away. It was not the current villagers fault. They were cursed and it was an awful curse. A truly terrible curse and I couldn't leave them there. Even if it meant my death. But that I manipulated you into coming as well....?” He shook his head. “That was evil of me Freddie. I am truly sorry for that.”

“I've thought about that.” I said as I realised I had. Not one of those thought processes that you register or even think about too much. I had thought about it. “And I have decided that I am not. It hurt me, I won't deny it. There are still nightmares, still moments where I worry that all of this is just some construct of that creature in those woods. I still look in shadows and wait for him to jump out at me as the final torture.”

“He was not that creative, patient or intelligent.”

“No. But that doesn't mean that I'm not scared of it. But I have thought about it and occasionally I wonder where I would be, or who I would be if that hadn't happened. Would I have met Ariadne, would we have continued travelling together. Would I have had the courage to stand up to Ariadne if I hadn't known what real fear and real pain feels like. Who would I be without it?”

I shook my head. “I cannot be glad that that happened. But I am no longer sorry. I no longer regret it.”

Kerrass turned away and took a deep breath.

“Ok.” He said at length. “Well, I can't... I can't forgive myself though. But I am glad that you can forgive me.”

“I can. That doesn't mean that I won't still get angry from time to time. Nor does it say that I don't hate you for it, in the depths of the night when I wake up from a nightmare with a scream.”

“Nor would I expect you to. But I thank you for what you can give.”

We didn't look at each other for a while then. What is it about the pair of us that every time we got close to the deep subjects, we would retreat from it.

“So then, after helping you recover. We sailed back to Novigrad and I decided that, should you and I be travelling together any longer, then I should tell you about the worst of it.”

“You told me about your history. Were you trying to drive me away with that?”

“A little. But you had survived the Amber's Crossing debacle and you had not run away. So I was more than a little bit convinced that there was no getting rid of you. There was a certain amount of... This is part of who I am. This is the overview of my history and this is why people hate me and why I hate myself a lot of the time. Obviously, I could sit and tell you my entire history and we would still be here hours, days or even months later. Most of it would be boring and a good chunk else is forgotten. Or it would go over old ground.”

“I'm still game for that if you are.”

“Planning my Biography Freddie?”

“It would not be a bad project. Although I imagine that a good chunk of it would be “Hunted monster here. Got stiffed on payment, shagged a miller's willing wife as vengeance”.”

“Not far off. It was more often the Tavern keeper's wife or daughter though. Millers are indespensible to the community, but the Inns and taverns is where folk gather at the end of the night. So it's much more likely to be them that stiffs me in some way.”

I accepted that.

“It did feel as though you had something of a mission the following year. As though you wanted to take me somewhere and show me things.”

“Well, I already rather thought that you had a good idea of what life was like as a Witcher. Surprisingly monotonous is the answer. Freedom? Yes. But that freedom comes at the cost of shite food, beer that tastes like piss, never quite being able to save everyone, sleeping in hay lofts and women who see you as a release from servitude. But you knew that already.”

“Small periods of extreme excitement followed by monotonous work. Even the strange and supernatural can become boring after a while. It's a surprising lesson actually.”

“And one that many people could learn. I met one of your followers by the way.”

“Oh Flame, did you?”

“Yes. A very endearing young lady who had learned to fight from her father's guards, much to her father's disgust and her mother's amusement. And she had left. She asked me when the excitement starts.”

“Oh Flame.” I groaned.

“I told her that excitement is the ignorant's word for terror.”

“That's good.” I said as I rolled the phrase around in my head. “I'll remember that.”

“I was proud of it.” Kerrass' smugness was impressive. “Make sure I get proper credit when you use that quote in other places.”

A thought occurred to me.

“You didn't sleep with her did you?”

“Nah.” His face became haunted for a moment. “I was not in a good mental state at the time and I had places to be.”

I left that alone for the time being.

“But anyway.” Kerrass began again. “I was still fighting off thinking of you as a friend. Resisting it with everything I had. I would catch myself and berate myself with it on the way north. I wouldn't have taken anyone else to Ker Morhen and I remember being furious with Letho at everything that he had put you through during the time. And then the thing with the Hag happened. Remember?”

“It's not the sort of thing that you forget.” I told him.

“And then I realised that I wasn't travelling with a customer, I was travelling with a friend. You might have noticed that that was when I stopped getting you to pay for things and insisted on paying my own way.”

“I remmeber that too.”

Kerrass shook his head. “I'm dancing around this thing Freddie. So I'm just going to come out and say it. It's going to embarrass us both but if I keep doing it like this then I'm... You made me a better man. You made me a better Witcher. It astonishes me that you have only been in my life now for maybe two and a half years out of nearly a hundred years and in that tiny amount of time you have changed me so much.

“I told you that you showed me what it meant to be a Witcher when we set out from Toussaint at the beginning of the year. That was not an exaggeration. You solved my life's biggest riddle and then you showed me that there was life after that as well. I do not know what I am going to do with myself after you get married and leave the path. But I do know that I will stay on the path and I will keep swinging, keep making the world a better place with every job I take and every contract I pluck from the notice boards of the continent.”

I was touched by that and it took everything I had to be able to look him in the eye.

“You and I have shared everything but women Freddie.” He said, then you could see a thought occur to him. “And the only reason I haven't suggested that is because I think it would be a bit weird.”

I laughed with him, but he wasn't done.

“You and I have shared our last morsel of food before heading into town. You have often told anyone that will stand still long enough about how often I have saved your life. But I don't think I have ever said how often you have saved my life. The answer? You have saved my life every day since the first day I met you. Every single day Freddie. I have known some of that for some time but there is still more that only really came to the front of my mind when I realised that I might have driven you away. That might have driven you into madness or even death.

“When Ariadne kicked me out, which she was right to do by the way. When she kicked me out, I was angry. First I was angry with her for kicking me out, but that didn't last long. I should have known how angry she was going to be. It was obvious to everyone but me. So then I was angry with you for being ill. But then again, that was clearly not your fault and it is your pattern.”

He stopped in his tirade for a moment.

“Do you know about that pattern?” He wondered. “Because it is there. We have an adventure, or a job or something and then you get sick. Often physically. But you get headaches, fatigue, nausea as well as the fact that you get so fucking miserable. It used to make me really angry at first when I thought you were just moping, but every single time. Every time, you get ill, get angry or sad, or both if it's been a particularly gruelling incident.”

“This has been pointed out to me. Mark, Emma, Laurelen and Ariadne have all had quite a lot to say to me on the subject.”

“Good. It's been happening for as long as I've known you. The sheer disappointment that you felt after the village of the Nekkers. I think it's your reaction to battlefield stress. But it's getting worse, not better.”

“That, too, has been noticed and remarked upon.”

Kerrass peered into my eyes, presumably to see if I was lying or just fobbing him off. Then he nodded and moved on.

“So after I realised that the difference between all of the times that you had been through something traumatic and extreme and this time was the fact that I was not there for you. So then I started to get angry at myself.

“And I got really fucking angry Freddie. Really fucking angry.

“I don't have many friends. The only friends that we have really are those fellow Witchers that are still around after all of this time. And it's a strange thing when you don't really like some of those people in the first place. I can remember Schrodinger sat ouside my cage, feeding me through the bars and I remember hating him because of his smug smiling face and his stupid gentle voice. But he's one of the few left now.

“Gaetan's another one. Honestly surprised that that prick is still alive. Got a temper on him something fierce and has to go and live in the wilderness so he doesn't just explode at people. But he's my brother and I love him. Fuck, Cat's and Wolves and Vipers and the rest. Men that hated each other not forty years ago are now close friends because no-one else understands what it's like.

“And you can't tell me that you liked Letho. He's one of my best friends, but I don't like him.”

“No, I didn't like him. But I respect and admire him.” I replied. “One of the things that we all agree about the Goddess is that she is the truest being to herself that any of us have ever heard of. There is no compromise in her, no arguing her philosophy, no way round it or through it. She has an answer for everything and sooner or later you just have to realise that you must just be comfortable with not agreeing with her. Letho is like that. He is the truest form of himself. Don't like him, don't agree with him but he will not compromise his ideals or what he believes in. Nor will he change his methods.”

Kerrass laughed in delight. “I really must tell him that next time I see him. I even wonder if he has heard of the Goddess and whether or not he worships her.”

The conversation faded for a moment as we both let the tangent die on the trunk of the tree.

I waited here for a day, maybe two days and then I sat down and thought about everything.” He sighed. “I hate the bitch, but she is my Goddess and I love her. I need her too in the same way that I need air. But if there is any single person that it can be said of where it is true. She works in myseterious ways. She was confronting you with your own things but she was also confronting me with how important you had become to me. I did not realise how important you were to me until I nearly drove you away. Until I nearly lost you.”

“You're starting to make it sound almost romantic.” I teased.

“Fuck that Freddie.” Kerrass snarled. “This is serious stuff. I meant it when I said that you were my brother and if you cheapen that...”

“I'm sorry Kerrass. I'm just.... I've had a lot to think about too.”

Kerrass nodded his acceptance of that. “What a pair we make eh?” He commented after a while.

I laughed.

We drank in easy silence for a while.

“So how are you doing Freddie? You've lost weight and I don't mean to be too harsh. You are still good enough for most bandits but your form is shockingly bad from where it has been in the past. You fight like a man on the edge of endurance.”

“You said it was about standard for a winter's lack of exercise.” I protested weakly.

“And I was lying. Or rather, I was omitting the whole truth in case you were really ill.”

I stared at the fire for a while thinking where to start.

“I'm not great Kerrass.” I told him after a while. “I'm really not great at all.”

Kerrass said nothing for a long time. Just watching me I suppose. I don't know because I was looking at the fire. Not for the first time, allowing myself to be hypnotised by the flames dancing in the hearth. The way I could see the heat rippling in the burning wood itself.

“I don't remember much of the journey to Angral.” I said after a while, my voice seeming to come from a long way off. “I mean, I can force myself to remember some of it now but, not much and it takes a real effort to do so.

“I get physically sick. It comes at me in waves where I will be moving around, doing things and talking to people and then this wave of nausea just sweeps over me from nowhere leaving me sweating and shaking. I have to lean on something so I don't get dizzy and fall over.

“I burst into tears at the slightest provocation. It doesn't matter what it was. It might be someone yelling at me, someone laughing at me, or with me. Or it might be because someone is nice to me. I nearly wept this morning when I saw you coming through the gate. I weep when people pay me compliments and I weep when people talk to me about my problems. I weep at kindness and criticism alike and I can't fucking stop.”

I could feel those same tears building up in myself again and I clenched my fists against the rising tide.

“It's alright Freddie.” Kerrass told me. “Take your time.”

As he said, I waited for the feeling to pass for a moment, accepting the bottle back from Kerrass and using the strong alcohol to scour the lump from the back of my throat.

“I'm so sick of bursting into tears.” I muttered bitterly. “So very sick of it. Wracking sobs or quiet tears I am so utterly sick of it. Just when I think I'm over the worst of it and then I'm left there, curled up in a ball on the floor with the tears streaming down my face.”

“I am not surprised Freddie.” Kerrass broke in. Giving me time to rest and come down from wherever I had been. “Truly I'm not. There are a lot of unshed tears in your life. Unexpressed anger, ignored fear and unhealed pain. You've been through a lot. Lost friends and loved ones and you've pushed yourself on and on and on without stopping. It is no surprise to me that you came to the point and that they all just started to come out of you.”

“I suppose not. But that doesn't stop me from fucking hating it. I feel weak Kerrass. I don't ever remember feeling this weak and pathetic. I sleep for hours at a time. I used to be able to get by on six to eight hours easily. When it was high stress, I remember us getting by on four hours, less even in the north and on the Wave-Serpent. But now? Ariadne has to send someone to wake me up otherwise I honestly believe that I will sleep through lunch.”

Kerrass smiled at that.

“Again. That is no surprise to me Freddie. Again, there is a lot of sleep to catch up on.”

“I suppose.”

“There's no suppose about it Freddie. This year has been fucking hard. It was hard on me let alone hard on you. In our journeys before, some bad stuff happened yes. But you've been tortured, tormented, deprived, exhausted, poisoned, sick, frozen and Goddess only knows what else. Your body deserves a rest Freddie. You deserve a rest. Do not be hard on yourself for allowing yourself a moment or three of weakness.”

“I wouldn't mind a moment. Or even several moments. But this is all the damn time. Dammit, here they come again.”

I gritted my teeth and waited it out. “I'm so very sick of it. This isn't rest. This isn't relaxation. This is work, constant work. Just trying to keep myself from going off. I'm so sick of it and I don''t know what to do about it.”

Kerrass said nothing. He just sat there and waited.

“Not all that long ago.” He began carefully. “You and I sat underneath a rock in the rain and we talked about how you felt as though you were changing. You felt as though you were angry all the time. You felt as though it was having this massive effect on you and that you were struggling to keep your head above water.” He took another deep breath. “You said that you felt as though it was time for you to stop then. You said that it was time for you to set your spear aside and go home. But that you couldn't stop yourself from looking for your sister.”

“If I recall it right, you said that if it was for a matter other than our search for Francesca, you would have told me to go home, or to go to Ariadne a long time ago.”

“Yes I did. It was an interesting moment looking back. I should have told you to go home then. Hell, I should have gone with you. I can still feel the places in my arms where they took a warhammer to them and I fancy that I will be able to tell when it's going to rain from now until the day I die.”

“At the time, I would have fought you.”

“Which is one of the reasons why I did not. But is now the time to stop travelling? Is this the winter where you say, enough is enough and that you stay here, or go to Castle Coulthard and get on with the rest of your life. I will miss you on the path Freddie but... Is now the time for that?”

“I...”

“And for your own piece of mind. I will not hold it against you. If it will help you to get better and feel better in the view of getting ready for your wedding then I would take you north tomorrow.” He thought about what he said. “Well, maybe not tomorrow. We would almost certainly freeze to death on the way.”

I laughed a little. There was bitterness in the laughter but it was there.

“You have made me a better Witcher Freddie as well as a better man. When we set out this year as we rode North from Toussaint, I told you that and it remains true now. It's part of why I feel so guilty about everything that has happened recently as I do not feel as though I have paid you back for your toil, or for everything that you have done for me. But that would not be Goodbye. Even if I am no longer to be your best man. I would still come and visit, or winter with you and Ariadne if it's permitted.”

“Of course it's permitted Kerrass and of course you are still my best man. Don't even think it.”

“But if it would help you. If it would make you feel better and help you heal....” He shrugged and lifted the bottle to his lips. “Dammit, new bottle.”

A new bottle was found and put into place.

“Flame Freddie but I've missed you.” He said after settling back down. “It feels like we haven't really talked since... Godess.... For a good long while. Since long before the Goddess certainly.”

“We've talked.” I protested.

“Not about this kind of thing.” He argued. “For instance, I never told you how concerned I was when Ragnvald took you into the caves of the berzerkers. We were all wrapped up in other things at the time, in the riddle of the Skeleton Ship, which I remain convinced was never solved because people were too lazy to actually solve it. But I remember saying to Ciri after you went down into the depths of the Caverns. “He's not going to do well out of this.” She asked why and I told her that you were barely holding onto your emotions as it was.”

“What did she say to that?”

“She said that you seemed fine. It's true that your berzerking did get us off the hook later but even so. I wondered then if someing in you had been unleashed that you weren't ready for. Or if there was a price to be paid that you kept having to defer. But...”

“Kerrass....”

“But.” He overrorde me with a firm glare. “But you were already quite far gone. I read your account of what happened on Skellige with great interest. It's a fascinating study about a culture that we are not part of. I think that one day, your account of the founding of the new clan of the Black Boar is going to be one of the primary parts of what is taught in schools all over the continent. But I can't help but notice that you were often just reciting facts. The main... focus of a lot of that tale is Helfdan and his crew. The deeds that we performed and the feats that we were able to achieve. Nothing wrong with that. But I noticed that you left out a lot of the toll it took on us. On all of us.”

“Kerrass....” I tried again. “I have already been chastised for that. I have already had people point out to me that I skipped over or obfuscated just how ill I was in the run up to the Skelligan adventure.”

“Good. Then you know it. But do you feel it? Have you taken it in as to just how... wrong you have been. Not morally, but how wrong in yourself and to yourself you have been.”

“I don't know. How could I ever know something like that.”

We had a bottle each now. It seemed to save time.

“I don't know what I'm going to do.” I told him. “I really don't. The general consensus is that I can't stop travelling. That I won't stop travelling, with you for preferance. Mark put it most plainly. He thinks that I should take a break. To stop thinking it as though, “I join you in the Spring and stay out until later Autumn with Winter spent at home.” He thinks I will marry Ariadne and then in a year or two, when things are settled down and I need a subject for my next book and series of lectures. Then I will get in touch with you. He thinks that I should look at varying the travel pattern. A month or two on the road. A season, Not the entire year. They think that they could not stop me from doing that, even if they wanted me to.”

Kerrass nodded. Not a nod of agreement, but more a nod to say that he was taking that in.

“They think I will get restless. They say that travel has become my wine, my drug of choice and that it's one of the ways that I better myself and see the world.”

“They may be right.”

“They may be. I don't know. But mainly what they want is that they want me to stop looking for Francesca.”

Silence fell on that for a while.

“Freddie,” Kerrass said carefully. “Look at me Freddie.”

I did as I was told.

Kerrass sat opposite me, his eyes glittering in reflected firelight. He was drunk. He controls it better than I do but there was no hiding that he was drunk.

“I think you should stop looking for her too.” He said. “I think that this search is poisoning your mind. It is making you arrogant and prideful. It is closing off your mind and narrowing your gaze when it used to be so open. It is time to stop this.”

“How?” I wailed. “How do I stop? I mean, you're right. You're all right. It's painfully obvious that I should have left well enough alone. Do you know that I view this entire year as a failure?”

Kerrass shifted uncomfortably but said nothing.

“Everything we've achieved. Every curse lifted, every monster slain, every life saved and I think we've failed. It looks like Helfdan is going to marry his Queen. Chireadean has his inn. The Skelligan Sergeant is marrying his Elven Hellcat.” I was counting on my fingers. “Rickard is going to marry Shani. Kalayn lands will no longer be scared into submission by nonexistent spectral horsemen. No sailor will ever be caught out of port by the ice sheets when the Skeleton Ship comes over the Western Horizon.

“No villager will ever have to fear the coming of Sansum and his wretches and although we couldn't save Sally, Saffron and Pula. Even as we speak, the reformed academy of Aretuza is restoring and cataloguing much of what was lost from their library while guards of magic, element and knightly vows stand guard to ensure that nothing is lost, stolen or misused.

“I've spoken to a Unicorn, seen an ancient God climb out of a mound in sea of mists, met people from other worlds and talked to beings that no-one would have even dreamed of, let alone other scholars. I.... We have done all of these things and I see this year as a failure. What does that say about me Kerrass? What does that say about me?”

Kerrass said nothing as the tears spilled down my face.

“So how do I stop? How do I stop looking for her? I'm begging you Kerrass I really need an answer for this now. I need one because I don't think I can stop and that's because I don't want to. I don't want to stop.”

I shook my head.

“I should. I know I should. It will kill me. It will drive away my family, my friends and the woman I love. I can see that search hurting others. I can see the damage that it's doing but I don't want to stop. I don't.”

“You might hate me for saying this Freddie.” Kerrass said after a long moment. “And to be clear. If you decide to go on looking then I will come with you. I will be at your side from the moment that you leave until the moment that it kills you. That might be my enabling your search or your sickness and I don't care. I think you should stop. But if you can't then I will help you look. If you stop, I will continue looking, keep my eyes and ears open as I walk the path. I want you to know that.”

“Ok.”

“And more than that. I know what Princess Dorn said to you before we set out. And I will acknowledge that now. I love her. I do, more than I care to admit. I love her and at some point in the, hopefully, distant future, we might be able to talk about that. But I want you to put that from your mind too. I was furious with her for putting that on you as well.”

“Kerrass I....”

“It's not your thing Freddie. That's between me and her. So to be clear, before I say the thing that might hurt you and make you angry. I think you should stop. But if you can't, then I will be there for you anyway. I will throw you the biggest party you can imagine the day that you do stop. But until that point, I will be by your side.”

I nodded.

“Oh, and if you give your word that you are stopping. I will expect you to keep it aswell.” He warned with a slight smile.

“Yeah ok.”

“But here's the bad bit Freddie, are you ready?”

I nodded.

“You wanna know how to stop?”

“I do.”

“It's really fucking easy.” He growled. “You have an obsession with finding your sister's kidnappers or killers or whatever they are by now. Become obsessed with something else instead. It's that easy.”

The words were like a slap in the face.

“You want some suggestions?” Kerrass wondered. “Fair enough. Become obsessed with making Ariadne happy. Hunt down, research, practice and implement new ways to give her pleasure in the bed chamber. A life spent in the pursuit of either of those things would not be a wasted life. Goddess but an orgasm induced scream from a Vampire would be something to hear.

“Or if that isn't floating your boat, become obsessed with making Angral lands as beautiful and productive as they can be. Come up with new ways to educate the students of Oxenfurt. Throw yourself into working on the new Witcher schools by defining their codes and the laws that they need to follow. Find a cause that you can believe in. A new subject to research.

“I don't know, do for rat catchers what you have done for Witchers. Skelligan ship building. Redanian metallurgy. See if you can convince the gnomes to let you tour their warrens beneath Mahakam. Become an expert in ancient and mysterious monoliths but only the ones that fell directly northwards. Write about the origins of chivalry as a concept. Compare and contrast all the codes of honour from different countries of the continent and point out that they're actually all ways that the monarchs can control their populace and armed forces.

“Pick something. Anything. It doesn't need to take your fancy the first time. You might get into it for a week before deciding that it isn't for you and move onto something else. There might even be several something elses. Where you flit from subject to subject before you settle on something.

“And then, when something comes up that would tempt you back towards hunting down obscure leads on the search for Francesca. You take five heartbeats. A slow count to five. You let that feeling in and let it have it's day. Let it run rampant in your system for a little while. Then you take that feeling and you look at it. Open your eyes and you look at the person that is offering you that chance.

“You look them in the eyes and you say “No.”

“It's one of those things that gets easier as time goes by. You say no the first time and you say no the next time and the time after that. And then one day you will look up and you will realise it doesn't hurt as much any more.”

His voice cracked a little at the end there and he turned away. But I had felt my own anger rise to meet his.

“Are you speaking from personal experience there Kerrass.” My own lips curled into a smile. “Because I know a man sat, not a million miles from me, who has chased people across the continent to take his bloody vengeance for the wrongs that they committed out of obsession for a girl he barely knew.”

He stared at me for a moment, eyes blazing.

Then he laughed. After a moment, I joined in.

“Ah Freddie.” He told me between sobs of laughter. “You're going to follow my example about how to live a life?” He tumbled off into the throes of laughter again. Full on rolling on his back and clutching his sides.

“I follow a path that is going to get me killed. I worship, love and hate a Goddess who's method of helping me is to put more struggle and torment in my path. I love a girl who is a fraction of my age who, as you correctly state, barely knows me nor I her. My best friend is marrying an Elder Vampire, someone who is, in theory, my enemy. I'm addicted to, and dependent on a series of drugs and elixirs that are poison and no matter how hard I try, I cannot avoid even that simplest of Witcher Codes. “Do not get involved.” I am hardly something to hold yourself up to in comparison.”

He sighed and righted himself.

“But I did walk away from Dorn. And I will walk away again and again. My destruction my, murder of the people that wronged her is not an obsession. It is a choice, an extension of the path. I am killing monsters and, with a bit of luck, she no longer needs my kind of protection. She has an angry Dragon who is much more frightening than I am. And even though I will admit that I was obsessed with finding a solution to her curse. I readily set it aside when it became clear that the matter was hopeless, until I found another theory, or another person who might have a perspective that might help.”

He sighed.

“I'm sorry Freddie. I should not have got angry. I am angry at myself for letting matters get this far. I did not take necessary steps when I should have and now you are paying the price for it.”

I nodded. “I'm tired Kerrass. So very tired. I know that I should set the search for Francesca aside but I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do next. You are right. Of course you are. Devoting myself to Ariadne's happiness and pleasure would be a lifetimes effort and it would not be a wasted time. But now I worry that I would not be able to do that because I would be worrying about this.”

Kerrass eyes glinted strangely in the firelight.

“Then make a decision. You and me, here and now. Make the choice. You can decide what new obsession you are going to follow later. But you can make this choice now. We can travel together whenever and wherever you like but this decision can be made now. Are you going to set aside the search for Francesca and leave it... heh.... leave it to the professionals?”

“I...”

“Don't make a quick decision. Roll it around your head for a moment first. Feel it, think it and then decide it.”

I did as I was told. Kerrass was right. They all were and I knew it. So the question was whether or not I would be able to put that aside.

“I will help you.” Kerrass said as he saw the problems in my eyes. “We all will I imagine. There will be good days and bad days and it will not happen overnight. There will be times when you need to find someone to physically prevent you from taking your horse and going to search. You might even put it aside for months or even years and then you will find yourself saddling your horse to go back to Toussaint and search and we must stop you. But we can't help you unless you want to get the thing done in the first place. The decision has to come from you, we can't do it for you. You need to take that first step, make that first choice and then we will take you the rest of the way. Even if we must carry you.”

The answer was clear. Ariadne, Kerrass, Mark, Emma, Sam, Samantha, Charlotte, The people of Angral, Rickard, Shani, Ciri, Helfdan, Svein and the rest, the list went on and on. People that I loved, respected and cared for. I loved Francesca, but I had realised she was dead back after a conversation with a Unicorn. I had denied it on and off since then. But it was true and I knew it.

The faces of friends, loved ones and innocents that had died in my presence passed before my vision. I owed them all so much.

“Help me Kerrass.” I said quietly. “I don't want to do this any more. I don't want to live like this any more. I want to enjoy the good times. I want to get past the bad and I want to stop hating myself for things done by other people over which I had no control.”

“Say it Freddie. Say it clear.”

“I want to stop looking for Francesca.”

“Say it again.”

“I want to stop looking for Francesca.”

“Again.”

“I want to stop looking for Francesca.”

“Good.”

I nearly wept. But then I didn't. It was the weirdest feeling. It was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. The last weight. There were still storm-clouds there and I felt monstrously weak. But I felt as though a first step had been taken.

Kerrass grunted and pulled out another bottle from his own bags. “Best apple Brandy from a villager just down the way. There was a pair of Necrophages that were hunting nearby from back when Dorme and his lot were going in.”

I took the bottle and took a long swallow and went to pass it back.

“No you keep it Freddie. I think you're gonna need it.” He wouldn't meet my gaze.

“You've made your decision and now, unfortunately, I have something else to tell you. So you get to practice earlier than you might think.”

“What do you mean?”

“There's no easy way to say this. The villager who gave me this bottle did so because he couldn't afford to properly get me to kill the Ghouls. But that was not the only thing that gave me.”

I stared at Kerrass.

“Originally,” He went on, still not looking at me. “When we came here, I was going to go over the place to see if there was anything missed from the original investigation. To see if there was anything that people might have missed when all they were doing was making sure that Dorme's rebellion and the things that he had done here were done. When they, when we I should say, did not know that there were any connecting tissues to be investigated. Well, he gave me the bottle and he gave me some information. Information that, I should stress, has already gone to the Imperial Garrison and onto the Intelligence Services. I'm telling you now because I think it would be a worse crime to keep it from you.”

He sighed and took a long pull from his own bottle.

“Freddie. I brought you out here to tell you that I think I might have found something.”