Lumiea

-11 (L.D.)

Aeryn had never expected to be a mother. The day she'd left her own mom behind and set out to become a bioengineer, she thought she'd left family in the past. Loving her squad had taken by her surprise and starting this life with Jace had completely turned how she expected things to go upside. Levi had taken that to a new level, though. This morning, she held her son in her arms and she no longer recognized her life or could guess at how things would go from here. She'd chosen this and she wanted him, but it changed everything in ways she could not hope to predict.

Levi's eyelids looked heavy as he just barely opened them.

"Good morning, baby," Aeryn whispered. His wandering gaze shifted her way while his little hands curled. He recognized her voice. The thrill of it swept through her. "You're finally home."

Aeryn lifted his tiny fingers with her pointer finger, amazed and frightened by how fragile he was. Every time she'd visited him at the nursery as he grew beneath the pink membrane of the artificial womb's walls, she had wondered how it would feel to hold him. For days, Aeryn had done just that and it felt so unreal that she still could not believe it was happening.

"Do you think we'll just stare forever?" she whispered.

Jace wrapped his arms around her from behind and pressed his face against hers while he looked down at their son. "What else would we do?"

"Oh, look. He's yawning. How is he so cute? He's the cutest baby to ever live." Levi curled his fingers and then unfurled them, reaching toward Aeryn. "What do we do now, Jace? He's got this whole life to live and we're supposed to know what he needs." The constant tug between exhilaration and terror left her feeling both wired and exhausted. "This is fucking real."

He chuckled against her cheek and kissed her. "You're freaking out, Aerie."

"Aren't you?"

"You always know what to do. I don't have to freak out. If it were just me, sure, but I don't have to worry when Levi has you."

"I don't know. I thought I'd be good at this but I have no idea what I'm doing. Look!" Aeryn held her breath as he reached his arm out in a stretch. She didn't want to disturb him when anything could so easily turn to tears. "Everything he does is as exciting as the first time you took me flying."

"He'll be flying one day."

"No, he'll be a baby forever."

Jace kissed the side of her face and Aeryn closed her eyes, so full of wonder and joy that it felt like her chest would explode. She tore her eyes from Levi only long enough to gaze up into Jace's, dizzy with the bond she felt to them both.

"I don't ever want to lose this," she said.

Aeryn imagined every new mother said that, except their lives held so much more danger than others on their planet. Even if Aeryn and Jace hadn't trained their entire lives to travel to Earth for Liberation Day, she was chosen as a candidate for the Witness program, and she knew enough about that now to understand that creating so much to care for came at a cost. The risk of loss was overwhelmingly high.

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Jace opened his mouth, likely to tell her she wouldn't, but the words never left his lips. Instead, he held her tighter. His warm breath wafted against her ear. "Every ounce of my blood and scrap of my flesh is yours." His big hand slid over Levi's head, making him look even smaller. "I'll give it all to hold us together."

"Me too," she whispered. "Looking at him though…" Aeryn traced the soft flesh of Levi's cheek. "I want more than survival for him. More than him being with us. I want us to give everything we have to protect his soul." Tears gathered in her eyes. "I don't want him to one day pull a trigger and watch the life drain from someone's eyes."

"You carry everyone we've ever hurt so close to your heart. You can set that down, at least for a little while. Set it down and hold your baby."

Her jaw clenched tightly. "I feel like I'm already staining him. It's not good enough, Jace. We promised to fight but it's not enough. We need more than revolution."

"What are you saying?"

"I don't know. I just feel so inadequate sitting here with him. One day, I have become more than who I am now. There's too much at stake. There can be no excuses. I want to be better for him."

"You're wonderful, Aeryn."

"You don't understand." Aeryn sank back against his chest and let her weight fall on him. "War will never be ended through battle, but it won't be through peace either. The path to victory is mired by conflicting decisions and priorities. I can't allow myself to be weighed down by guilt any longer but I can't lose the reverence for life either. How can someone take life while still honoring it? How can you win a war without casualties?"

"This is why you're a Witness candidate. If you don't want the job, you should stop being special. Come down to the ground with the rest of us and don't be so great."

She smiled and twisted so that Levi could rest against them both. "I know you think I'm being silly for thinking of this now."

"No, I don't. I'm thinking about it too." Jace brought his warm lips to hers and quieted her worries for the few seconds that she savored his nearness. "I meant it, Aeryn. You always know what to do. When the time comes, you'll know. So don't worry."

"I'm scared." Her breath felt thick. "The kind of person I want to be for Levi scares me because sometimes what's best for the people you love isn't what's safest. There's the rare times where safety costs a person their soul. I want to be a coward and hold everyone close to me forever."

"It'll be okay." Another kiss that stilled her. "We can't live through every bad thing that will ever happen to us. We have to live in this moment. Not the future."

"Okay. Promise me, though…" Aeryn swallowed hard. "I know we've fought about how you'll always put me first even if it's not really the right thing to do. I know we'll never agree. But promise me that you'll put Levi first. Not just his safety, but his heart, his character. I cannot survive failing him."

The red tint to his brown eyes looked bright as his gaze fell from her to their son and back to her. "I promise. We'll be the people Levi needs us to be."

"No matter what."

"No matter what. If we can't do it for ourselves or for anyone else, we'll do it for him." Jace lifted her face to his. "Just don't hate me for what I'm going to do for you two. You have to forgive me. You're better than I am."

As loved as it made her feel, it also scared her, because Jace was capable of a great deal. "As long as you remember what is actually good for us and what isn't."

He stared for a long while before he nodded.

Aeryn managed to smile despite the weight and to put away the thoughts of being a Witness that had always haunted her so she could get to know her son.

"He looks like us," she whispered. "It's so strange to see."

"I love you," he whispered against her cheek.

If Aeryn hadn't been strong enough before having her family to fight this war, then surely she was now, even if that strength might her more having so much to lose.

She almost apologized to Jace and Levi, because she could see so clearly in that moment that though she had no idea what would happen now that Levi had solidified something which had been growing inside of her.

Aeryn would win this war that she and Jace had promised to fight.