Kacper POV

Waking up on a beach made of stones isn’t a fucking bed I should have at least crawled on to the bloody grass I wouldn’t have so many bruises. Stupid gods and bloody fucking system. More worryingly am I going to have a stroke every week. There must be side affects to literally having my soul rearranged so that I can have an RPG game system in my head, being a copy of a real person is already bad enough. How have I not gone into a suicidal depression? Probably thanks to my Stiff Upper Lip perk it’s keeping me sane or at least preventing me from feeling negative emotions, its probably not very healthy or safe. 

I try and get up tripping over my feet I fall headfirst into the ground a notification appears in front of my face informing me of two fucking damage. Bloody hell you don’t have tell me every fucking detail just... like proper damage or something that could kill me. 

Player 387: The Lady and The Skull Man have taken you as your champion please check your Titles. You do not have the required upgrade to recieve a Quest, please head to the nearest temple. P.S: No need to be rude. 

I look up at the sky "Well I am sorry I just had a stroke, I think i am allowed to be a bit pissed." I look at the notification of course their is no answer. Well at least I have some sort of blessing from death himself and the lady luck, this should be useful. I smile and push myself of the floor.

My muscles feel sore as I stand up on swaying legs a sigh escapes my mouth. I turn back to my weapon and slowly inch towards it like a child trying to put their hand into a fire. I would know because my other self-did that when he was three. My index finger touches the handle and “ARTLESS SHAG-HAIRED RATFUCKER!” To this day I will deny that I screamed like a six-year-old girl and definitely did not trip over my own feet falling on my ass.

Getting uuupp, I mean standing! Definitely did not fall over I warily stare at the sword which I think is giving me the stink eye it’s kind of hard to know for sure because well it doesn’t have eyes. I reach out my hand and grab the handle and I hear this “MEWLING HEDGE-BORN INFECTION BORN OF A WHORE FLAP DRAGON BOIL BRAINED FIEND!” I start laughing at the endless barrage insults as they reverberate in my mind. Funny on Earth if someone dressed in soaking rags was found on the beach laughing at a piece of metal they would be sent to the loony bin. What the fuck is wrong with this world?

My laughter grows as the sword insults become less creative and quieter after a while its just me laughing at the sky and the absurdity of the world, I was created in. An eternity later my laugh becomes a chuckle that then settles into a grimace. I look at the sword and ask sweetly with just a smidge of sarcasm “Did I upset you mister sword?”

I stare at the sword for a good minute waiting for an answer I decide to speak “Was your tongue severed by your own sharp words or maybe the siren ripped it out?”

That’s when I hear the blade speak “You are a fiend of the highest order you pull the wool over my non-existent eyes. My metal was used to injure a fair maiden, you are not worthy to use me in battle, yet you have ensnared me into a devious pact of your own making.”

I look at the sword “What the hell are you talking about? When did I hurt a woman, I haven’t talked to one in weeks? I mean that’s normal for my original because he barely left the house… wait why am I defending myself? I can talk to women… Yeah I definitely can.”

As I am trying to defend my ability to speak with women the starts spouting insults at me about my mother and my cowardly ways. Jokes on you I don’t have a mom… wait is that a good thing. Before I can ponder this sad thought I decide to check what being a champion of a god means.

Champion's Mark of The Lady: Every 10 levels your Luck stat will have a 50% chance of increasing by 1. As a champion of luck your personal luck will be pushed to the extreme, but it will always favour you over allies or enemies. Secondary ability is a full understanding of any game based on luck as soon as you start playing. Includes games like Rock-Paper-Scissors, Coin Flip or Blackjack.

Well that is nice the world will either fuck me or fuck over otheir people. Actually there is a positive to this I can live out my dreams of being an awsome pirate traveling the high seas relying on luck and wit just like fucking Jack Sparrow. A pirate casino ship, know that I think about it would be a fun playthrough. Lets see what else is in store for me.

Champion's Mark of Grim: Every 10 levels your Willpower stat will have a 50% chance of increasing by 1. As a champion of death, you will have an aura of fear and hopelessnes, intimidating weak willed people. A secondary ability is sensing spirits of dead and having a connection with the afterlife.

So basically, I am a bloody emo well that’s just fucking great. Alright I need to get some black clothing preferably with a hood and some edgy oversized weapon specifically a scythe. I mean how can I be an edgy emo snowflake without the basic starter set? Am I right system? Yeah of course you won’t answer.

I turn back and return to listening to the barrages of insults, sighing I try and be polite nodding along and apologising for whatever I did. I start walking trying to find the school, eh this is going to be a long day.

Many Hours Later

I slam through the forest stepping on branches and almost twisting my ankle too many times to count, let me tell you that shouting “SHUT UP YOU RUSTY PIECE OF SHIT” in the forest is just asking for trouble. In my defence the sword is really annoying, and I have a surprisingly high Yelling skill Novice and my stealth skill is only Rookie rank. Yep it is definitely not my fault but there is a positive to this I unlocked Patience Initiate skill. Let’s just get back to the story exposition is not my strong suit.

My heart is beating loud enough for the whole island to hear, as I thrash loudly through the shrubbery and branches nicking at my skin. How are branches so sharp I can understand the thorns because I am running through shrubbery but come on! An arrow misses me striking the tree next to me well it was more like a pathetic bendy stick was thrown at the tree and bounced off. I mean these guys don’t even use proper arrows just sharp sticks. Sprinting and hiding behind trees while a sword bleats out expletives isn’t a enjoyable experience.

This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

I lift the fucking sword and use it to cut through the branches well at least it shuts up as I hit it against tree bark and thick branches. At least it shuts up after I bang it on some branches, well at least it is great for creating pathways not much of a conversionist. In my confidence I fail to notice a root sticking out with my last thought being, shit. 

My leg twists and I start falling down the hill smashing my head on a passing tree. I shout in irritation as I tumble down “God Fucking Dammit!” After an excruciating and painful journey, I find myself at the bottom hill lying on the floor covered in dirt with twigs and leaves in my hair, blood spilling out of my broken nose. Tears start forming in my eyes as I try and get up failing miserably due to my twisted ankle. The sword is about five feet from me I crawl towards it, no matter how annoying it is it is still a weapon and could be useful. Grabbing my sword and using it like a cane I try to escape. I stop as I hear the guttural laugh of the goblins behind my back my desperate attempt at escape must amuse them. I turn around using one of the willow like trees as support with my blade outstretched ready to face the goblins. Even with the Stiff Upper Lip trait I had trouble stopping my hands from shaking.

Player 387: You have taken 10 Bludegoning damage by falling down the hill and gained the Sprained Ankle Debuff.

The goblins snicker and start firing arrows using the tree I push myself of it into the near by shrubbery. Crawling as quickly as I can arrows fly over me, I use my right leg to force myself into a sprint. I think you can guess what happened I was barely able to take a step due to my ankle, screaming I fell onto my knee. One stick arrow manages to strike into my shoulder. The notification pops up informing me that I am at half health. Well that’s nice the system listened to me. With this little bit of satisfaction, I grab my sword and ask with a cheery voice with desperation easily heard in my trembling voice “What’s your name? My name is Kacper.”

The battle quiets down I look at the goblins who stare at me quizzically makes sense they probably think I have a screw loose. Waving to them like a happy tourist which further confuses them a skill is unlocked Bluff Apprentice. Well know I am equally confused how did I bluff them before I can further ponder this revelation the sword speaks “You CRETIN how dare you not know about the legendary Blade of the Lady!”

Chill how can someone hold a grudge over the fact that I hurt defended myself from a siren that tried to drown me. Chivalrous prick but I will need his help to survive. “Well you didn’t actually tell me your name?”

The blade stutters before admitting “I do not possess a name you rat shagging pleb.”

The cogs in my brain start working if I give him a good name, he might be willing to help me, “How about I give you one and in turn you will help me?”

“Might as well pleb I do not whish to be taken by goblins they are even more despicable then you.”

At least he is considering it. “How about Crocea Mors?”

"That name is already taken by another, I will not accept the name of another. As my wielder no matter how despicable you must give me unique name."

"What about ...eh Excalibur?"

The sword answers with barely constrained anger “You whish to call me Excalibur how dare you name me after another do you whish to demean me? If you try a give me another stupid name I shall gut you PIG FACED BAG OF GUTS”

A notification about a two new unlocked skills Eratis Folklore both at Proficient. Ignoring them I concentrate I really need any help I can get, I am lucky that goblins are stupid enough not to attack right know but I probably don’t have a lot of time. As I try and reply I feel a club striking my head. I can't keep myself from falling back onto the ground as the goblins surround me giggling. I try to swing my sword getting them to take a few steps back. 

Player 387: Suffered Bludgeoning 5 damage from club wielding goblin.

So, let’s see I have a pissed of sword with me and I am injured while surrounding by almost 20 goblins with combat classes. I should have been whatching them instead of talking to a peice of scrap metal. The goblins don’t give me a chance to speak instead the club goblin steps on my ankle making me release a pitiful scream. I hear the sword speak to me “Give me a proper name and I shall help you.”

I shout at the piece of metal “Fuck you fucking asshole, you want a name so badly then how about I call you Jagged Shit.”

“How dare you ignorant bastard!”

I shout at the blade “You have done nothing to help me and you deserve such a stupid name. I don’t need your help.” I grit my teeth and cast Weak Mana Harden sending mana into my legs and my right arm. With my body strengthened and the pain lessened I stand up holding the blade in front of me. I turn to the goblin and with a wild swing I try and strike the fucker. My spell costed a lot more hardening my muscle in my limbs and dulling the pain in my ankle costed 9 mana that really expensive for a weak ability.

The blade cuts into the shoulder before he can react, I push it in further as blood squirts out. Goblins have little vitality and shit stamina meaning they die easily. They fix this problem by using guerrilla tactics or swarming in large numbers. All of them are close by but I have no AOE ability, so I have to take care of them quickly before they swarm me but at the same time not let them get away, I have no real defence against range. Weak Mana Shield is useless it only reduces damage by two or three hits and that won’t save me if they start firing arrows. A smile creeps on my face this is going to be fun.

I rip Jagged out of the shoulder letting the goblin fall to the floor to bleed out. Too bad Weak Mana Harden doesn’t boost speed, but it does boost strength that should be enough to take these fuckers down. A goblin jumps onto my back raising his axe above his head. With my boosted legs and a wince of pain I push myself onto a tree the sharp branch pierces his stomach killing him. Huh, that was lucky.

Two others charge me one shoves his stone spear at me, I barely doge and use my momentum to smash into a few surprised goblins knocking them down. For a second I think I hear the words, "not bad" probably my imagination. I kick one of the near by goblins sending him flying. A sudden sharp feeling of pain burns through my leg. I swing at the offending goblin hitting him square in the face creating a deep gouge where his eye should be.

Jagged suddenly moves on his own shooting out to my right blocking a strike from a surprisingly quiet goblin. The sword sends me quick message “No matter how much I abhor you I am even more disgusted by these mongrels. I shall take the name Jagged and you will be my wielder. Let me help you exterminate these rat descendants.”

I feel my heartbeat increase as adrenalin fills me and a bloody smile appears on my face I shout, “Lets fuck them up Jagg!” He tries to tell me to call him by the proper name, but I ignore him as I finish of the goblin swinging the blade at the bastard managing to cut his arm off, with a sudden kick I send him flying as blood erupts from his arm.

I turn to the goblins trying to escape as I deliver the executioners strike on to these cowards with a maniac smile on my face. Blood dripping from Jagg I turn to a few remaining goblins raising their bows. I rush them the first arrow missed as those the second, but the third arrow imbeds itself into my forearm. Stumbling in pain I reach the goblins and manage to strike one killing him instantly. With the others making a run for it screaming their lungs off. I try and follow but I stop as I hear a voice call out to me. I turn to look at him and answer “Took you long enough… who the hell are you?”