Despite everything, Shark had never been so happy. There wasn’t much more they could ask for than Cerid and Thea.

Cerid turned in early after dinner to catch up on sleep, and Ariana and Rhys had gone home, so Shark decided to wrangle Thea. She’d barely touched her food, so they planned a calculated raid of the pantry.

Shark grinned when they swaggered down the hallway and found Dorothea already waiting outside their room. “Look like we had the same thought,” they laughed. “I brought those little chocolate buns you like.”

“I don’t think we were thinking the same thing,” she said with a tight smile.

Shark frowned. “What’s the matter?”

“Sharkie, can I request something? I don’t think you’ll like it, but it has to be done.”

“Shoot.”

“I want to go see your parents. Right now.”

“Oh. Uh, no thanks.” Reality came crashing down with her words, and they wanted to avoid the pain in their head and heaviness in their limbs it brought with it.

“Sharkie, the time is now.”

“Why are you being so pushy when it’s not your problem?” they demanded, taking out their anxiety and fear on her.

She didn’t look even the slightest bit irritated at them lashing out. “I love you, Shark. Your future is my problem, and I won’t be there for all of it no matter how much I want to be.”

And that was why they hadn’t done it yet. A childish piece of them believed that Dorothea would have to stick around if they put this off. She’d promised to be by their side for it, after all.

“I just want to ignore that kind of reality, don’t you know?” Shark admitted, almost begged, with a shaky laugh. “Sorry, Thea…”

“You can’t,” she said with gentle sternness, tugging on their arm. “Come on. Say that Thea’s being selfish and dragging you along for her own sake. That’s the truth.”

“Okay,” they whispered, letting her drag them outside. “Got it. Ready or not.” Then they grasped her hand and took the lead, digging up determination with the aid of her presence. “I’m gonna kick their asses! Verbally.”

“Go Sharkie!” she cheered, pumping a fist in the air.

The exterior of the Olyen cobbler shop hadn’t changed at all. At least that was what Shark thought at first glance, but then they noticed the sign had been repainted. The curtains had been changed, and the welcome mat had a different design. Things moved on whether they were there or not.

The worst their parents could really do was reinforce their rejection, but that wasn’t any comfort considering how much it had hurt the first time around. “Whatever you do Thea, don’t blow up at them. Getting angry won’t change anything,” they warned as they tried to convince their finger, currently perched on the doorbell, to push.

“It’s not a matter of getting angry,” Dorothea corrected. “I’m already incensed. But I won’t show it if that’s what you want.” Shark nodded, giving her a grateful glance when she put her hand over theirs for them to push down together.

The man who answered was totally unfamiliar.

He looked surprised before offering a kind smile. “You must be Shark. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Shark gaped like a fish dangling and pierced through the throat with a hook.

“May we ask who you are?” Dorothea requested.

The stranger laughed. “Look at me, my manners flew right out the window. My name is Markus. Please come in.”

Shark studied the lobby in a daze. Shoes hung with their laces tied together on pegs or sat in pairs on varnished shelves. A counter sat in the middle of the room; this was where their mother Finnley always worked, deft fingers weaving thin multicolored threads or sewing insoles, outsoles and heels together with almost blurring speed. Shark remembered sitting on the counter and marveling at her, laughing as she loosely tied leftover threads in their hair or around their fingers and toes.

They heard vague voices from the higher floors. It almost seemed as if one of them was very babbling and unformed. A child’s voice.

Shark held on to Dorothea’s hand for dear life.

“I’m here,” she whispered. “I’ve got you.”

Like that, they could breathe again.

Shark’s mother tapped down the stairs with a baby in her arms and the strange man behind her with a hand on her back. She wore a nervous smile as she halted before her guests.

“Hello, Shark,” she greeted in a trembling voice. “Er, this is your, um, your stepfather Markhus and your sister River. This is your family.” The laugh she capped that statement off with was too high and too long.

Shark bit back a response about how neither of these people were anything to them, how their own mother hardly was after everything. Instead, they reached out to trade a weak handshake with Markus.

“We have a lot to talk about,” he said. His easy manner helped hold the situation together. “Do you want to join us for tea, Shark? We’ve got some snacks we could pull out, too.”

“Don’t go to the trouble.” After the initial flash of anger and grief, Shark’s emotions had flatlined. The only thing that kept them together through the clomp upstairs, the arranging of the table and being seated was Dorothea.

“So… Where should we start?” Finnley asked, giving Shark the opportunity to direct the conversation.

“Did you know I was in Sacer?” they asked quietly. “It was in the paper.”

“Yes, I read about it… But I didn’t want to track you down in case you weren’t ready to talk. Sorry… Should I have come straight to you? Sorry, it’s just…” She couldn’t stop fidgeting or apologizing, and it made it harder to get angry like Shark wanted.

They looked away as Finnley bounced River and cooed when the child let out a whine, gritting their teeth against a pang of jealousy that drove through their heart with a sharp, heavy swing. “You’re right. If you’d come to me, I’d’ve chased you off.”

“I’m so glad to see you again, honey.”

A scream rose from deep within, but it simmered beneath the surface, too weak to emerge. “What happened to John?” To their father.

Finnley looked at Markus, and he nodded. “After you left, your father became even more determined to prove the worth of our family. He took your place on the battlefield, and…” She bowed her head. “I’m sorry, Shark. He didn’t make it.”

It registered as a ripple in the numbness, waiting to erupt later like everything else. “So…this?” They gestured to the three of them, the new happy family.

“Markus and I met a year after John’s passing and married two years after that. River was orphaned about six months ago, and we took her in. There’s not much to tell…” It was the same voice and smile at every turn, all begging for Shark’s approval and forgiveness. Finnley cleared her throat, glancing at Dorothea. “And this young lady. Your partner…?” She eyed their twined hands.

The hope in her voice was… Shark had never been so revolted. “No. I’m courting a man at the moment. In fact, we’re engaged. Sorry to be such a disappointment,” they spat. Being engaged was a complete lie, but they wanted to spit in her face as much as they could.

Finnley’s eyes were bright with tears. Despite everything, Shark pitied her, and they wanted to apologize for everything and tell her it wasn’t her fault. Even if it was bullshit, the small part of them that was still her child wanted approval.

“Okay then.” Shark slapped their free hand against the table and stood, and River let out a squeal. “Shit. I mean, oops. Ugh. Come on, Thea. Time to go.”

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Finnley jumped up, alarmed, and Markus took their child so she could approach Shark and take their arms. “Shark, isn’t there… There’s so much to talk about. Please don’t…”

Shark backed away from her touch. “If she turns out like me, would you abandon River? Would you tell her that she’s not enough and make her feel like there was no place for her here? Would you control her until she felt like her only choices were to run or die? I didn’t leave because I wanted to, I left because neither of you gave me a fucking choice! No one did, dammit!”

Finnley flinched. “I, we just…”

Shark took a deep breath and let it out. “It’s like I thought,” they said softly. “I can’t forgive you. And I don’t have any obligation to.”

“Shark…” Tears flowed down her cheeks. “I love you. Please. We’re family.”

“I’ve found all the family I need, and so did you. We’re leaving it at that.” They memorized her face, every line and crease. Then they turned to Thea and she nodded, leading them down the staircase and to the deserted streets.

It was over now, but also never really over. That pain and rejection would be part of them always.

“Everything I imagined,” they began once the thick late-summer air was flowing through their burning throat, “just went up in smoke. I had so many lines rehearsed.” They stopped walking, sensing a breakdown seconds before it came. “My father died and I wasn’t there Thea, I wasn’t there!”

She caught Shark as they fell to their knees, held fast around their back as they sobbed into her neck. Passersby slowed and stared but didn’t try to interfere.

“If I hadn’t left, he…” The tears made it hard to breathe, and their words were broken up by gasps. “I was standing still, and the wh-whole time, everything was moving on without me!”

“If you’d stayed, you only would have suffered. Any choices your family made are their own burden. You can’t bear that guilt.”

Shark let out a choked laugh. “That coming from you of all people just sounds so wrong. You’d never live up to those words, Thea.”

“That’s why I can say them to you.” Her hands drifted over their back, and they closed their eyes to sink into the comfort. “It’s not a good way to live. I want better for you than that.”

Shark took a few moments to breathe deep and slow. “We have to change things, Thea. It hurts. Every day, it hurts so much.” They shuddered against a new fit of sobs. All this couldn’t have been for nothing. The future they and Cerid wanted had to be waiting on the other side. “You’ll be with us, right? You don’t have to fight, but I want you to be there.”

“Shark…” Dorothea was crying the sympathetic tears they’d known she would. She hugged them, hiding her face behind their shoulder. “I’ll always be here for you.”

Shark leaned back to smile at her, laughing when she wiped their tear-stained cheeks clean. “I’m a total mess, right?”

“No, you look beautiful. Like you’re feeling things that need to be felt.”

Another pitiful laugh bubbled out. “I love you, Thea.”

“I love you too.” Dorothea smiled. “I want you to live the fullest life ever.”

It tore at Shark, but they knew now that they would never go back to how things were. “I’m not the same person who was content to spend the rest of my life in Sirpo with you. I… I’m a Sacerian.” The full realization hit just as the words came: this was their home. They’d just needed to become stronger before coming back to fight for it. “I want to face everything that’s ugly now.”

Her smile was filled with pride for them. “I’m glad we were both there when we needed each other. I want you to always have happiness.”

“Thea, thank you. Thank you for finding me when you did. Thank you for being there when I needed you more than anything.”

“Of course. You were the same for me.”

They couldn’t let go of her without knowing she’d be okay. “Listen to me. Life is too damn short to waste it thinking you’re not worth living it.”

She pulled them to their feet. “Okay. I hear you.”

Shark held fast to her hand. “No. Listen to me. It’s okay to say you’re allowed to live a happy life, Thea. If you’re willing to say that to me, it’s got to apply to you too. Be happy so I can feel safe leaving you by yourself from time to time, why don’t ya?”

She hesitated. “I’ve been thinking about that lately… I know I want to connect with other people, and I think I deserve it, but I’ll still leave everyone I love behind, and I’ll hurt them… It’s hard to just change my thinking all of a sudden.”

Still stuck on this! Shark let out an incredulous laugh. “Thea, any of us could literally die tomorrow. You dying young isn’t exactly a special thing. It happens to tons of people. We all face death every day on and off the battlefield, but we still treasure every moment because it’s not worth it if we don’t!”

Dorothea laughed, hugging their arm. “I’ve wasted a lot of time feeling sorry for myself, huh?”

“Me too. Lucky enough, it’s not too late to get our shit together.”

“You’re right.” She gave them a gentle smile. “Will you be okay, Sharkie?”

“I need time. I can’t feel it all right now. So it’d help if I can still lean on your shoulder for a while longer. Just not too much, I promise.” It was better this way. They had to get used to not depending on her.

“Anything you need.” She paused. “So. Engaged, huh?”

“Yeah, that was a lie. I can just imagine Cerid’s face if he heard that.” They both chuckled.

“Still, your wedding… I’d love to come someday.”

“Hah! Of course you’ll get an invite. You’ll be my best man. Girl. Whatever.”

Dorothea nodded, smiling. “I’m happy for you, Shark. You make a lovely pair.”

“Heck yeah we do. Now, uh… Help me up, please. I wanna go home.”

She supported them all the way back with an arm around their back and, once they had reached the porch of Cerid’s house, wrapped her arms around their neck and held tight. “I love you.”

Shark gave her a squeeze. “I love you, Thea.”

She backed away, dabbing furiously at her eyes to stop more tears. “Now, I know what you want to do next, so go to Cerid. He’ll be able to understand the parts of you I don’t.”

“Haha! Will do. Thea… Thank you. For all of it.”

“Of course, Sharkie.”

They left her behind, feeling both lighter and heavier than they had in years. There was so much more to say and do. Shark wanted to fill up all of the emptiness that hatred and pain had brought into their life with love. That was the world they wanted more than anything.

*

“Hey. Cerid, my buddy, my love. Wake up.”

“Mm…?” Cerid was roused with those words and a trail of gentle kisses from his cheek to his ear. “Shark…?” They were kneeling at Cerid’s bedside.

“Hey there.” Shark nuzzled his neck and let out a quiet, exhausted sigh.

“What happened, darling?”

“I went to see my family,” Shark replied breezily. “My mom has a new husband and kid, and my dad died. I cut ‘em off.”

“Shark… Come here.” After they collapsed on top of him, Cerid rubbed the back of their neck and petted their hair in the way he knew was most comforting for them.

They closed their eyes and relaxed. “Is it wrong to want revenge for someone I hated?”

“No.”

“Help me make sense of it. Please.”

Cerid spoke softly. “Shark… Have you ever considered the directions you have taken? What your life would have been like if you had not met this certain person or taken this one step, how things might have changed for better or worse?”

“Yeah, doesn’t everyone?”

“So it is normal to have these opposing feelings. No matter how happy a person is, they think about the past. No matter how much you might hate your father, you feel regret at his passing and want it answered for. It is okay to hold these contradictions within yourself.”

“Maybe if I’d done something better, they wouldn’t have ever treated me that way. Maybe we could have been a happy family. They could have loved the person I am. When I think like that, I…” They sniffed, trying to hold back tears.

“There is nothing wrong with how you feel. You are not offending anyone or being ungrateful for your present by acknowledging your past regrets.”

Shark looked up to face him with a mournful gaze. “I told my mom we were engaged. It was just ammunition against her. I said whatever came to my mind, and I’m sorry.”

Cerid gently cupped their cheeks to lift their face. “No worries. Nothing has been sullied.” He kissed the tip of Shark’s nose, then their forehead.

“Okay. Okay… Just promise you’ll never go anywhere.” They sidled up a bit more and tilted their chin up in request, so Cerid brushed his lips to theirs. Shark moved to deepen the kiss, tongue pushing past his teeth with practiced fluidity.

Everything felt so fragile. Shark’s tongue coaxing and tracing his own, their hands on his back tracing the knobs of his spine, then their fingers pressing between his ribs, it was all so warm and there, yet dreamlike at the same time. One day they would be able to be together without fear in the back of their minds. Cerid had prayed for that day for years.

Shark’s hands gripped his hips, fingers digging in against bone. “I promise,” Cerid gasped against the lips and teeth that teased his arched throat, “I am yours, understand? And you are mine. So do n-not…” A chuckle reverberated straight into his pulse from Shark’s lips as Cerid shivered and lost his words in a moan.

“Don’t what?” Shark asked, their breathing just as charged and erratic as Cerid’s had become.

“Do not go anywhere either. Never again,” Cerid breathed. “Promise me…” This desperate side of himself was reserved only for the person he loved, the person he knew would hold that facet of him precious and respect it. They had found each other again after so much loss, so to lose Shark now… Their world was still so delicate and dangerous. Every step forward had thousands yet ahead.

“I promise.” Shark bit at his lips before capturing them in a kiss that was all at once sure and clumsy, wild and sweet. “As long as you’ll have me, I’ll be here,” they swore into his ear.

Their touch was burning him, making him feel constrained within his clothes. “It’s not the right time,” he gasped, shivering as Shark bit his earlobe. “Not now…” He didn’t want to do this when Shark was grieving and motivated to touch him in part by that fact.

Shark lifted themself up to stare down at him. “Did you just use a contraction?” they demanded loudly.

Had he? “I suppose I might have… Urgh. Hush up a tad, please.”

“So cute,” Shark laughed, leaning down to shower Cerid’s cheeks with kisses before laying next to him with their back to the wall. “How come you never do, anyways? You’ve never told me.”

“I started not using them when I was a child,” Cerid admitted. “I believed it made me sound more intelligent, and now it has become a habit… Please forget I told you this.”

“Naw, naw, it’s locked in.” Shark smiled, eyes crinkling at the corners with deep affection. Then they bit their bottom lip as it wobbled. “I, uh, I think I might cry now.”

“Do whatever you need. I will be here through it all.”

“Thanks. Thank you. I love you.”

Cerid closed his eyes and buried his hands in Shark’s hair as they soaked his neck with tears.