No matter how experienced I am in writing, trying to write in a journal on a ship requires a herculean effort and unadulterated concentration. I am writing this next to my vomit-filled waste bin; I do not think I will need to throw this vile concoction of cigarette ashes, packaging containers, and half-digested potato-and-pork overboard anytime soon; I have a feeling that my poor constitution may, in the next hour or two, make this abhorrent potion even more of a biohazard. There was me, months prior, thinking foolishly that I could relieve the boredom of boat riding by writing in a journal, and I could record my thoughts after returning from America’s God-given territory of Hawaii.

My voyage to Hawaii was first led up to by the USS Maine being struck by an underwater mine placed deviously by Spain (I sure hope the boat I am on does not hit a mine as well); I read about it in the newspaper, and I was enraged. I urged my father to use his connection to let America go to war with Spain by writing some letters, and he did so. The war was splendid; American forces were so superior that the war ended in ten weeks. I thought providence would guide the US north or south of its border, but I did not imagine providence steering the US into the imperial mess. The United States, from the hands of God, acquired the Philippines, and also Hawaii as a midway point to the Philippines. Standard Oil saw this as an excellent opportunity, so I was sent to Hawaii to operate in a branch for fifty percent more pay.

Though Hawaii was part of the United States, I thought I visited a foreign country. Did you know that before Hawaii joined the glorious United States, it was operated by a supreme queen? Not a king, a queen. Not even the United States has seen a female president. The workers I am managing are a whole different breed of people, quite literally. They speak Japanese, and when I asked them why they came, they said that they came here simply to earn some money. That is the proper mindset that more Americans should follow: working hard to better oneself. My [workers] are hardworking, and the branch was so prosperous that my workers do not even [need to demand a] pay raise; I gave it to them. I suspect it got prosperous here because of the Filipino [war that] started last year, as military warships come here for maintenance and refueling somewhat often. Not surprisingly, as I recently read The Influence of Sea Power Upon History. Maybe the United States will take a piece of Africa as well - a bigger piece than Liberia.

It was last week that I received a letter from my company. The United States is starting to crack down on the freedom of businesses. Those politicians really dislike how my company legally acquired a few other companies in the last four years; they better not outlaw horizontal integration next. The workers in my workplace in New York have been getting rowdy, and the manager who used “apropos corporate punishments” is in jail right now, so my boss wants me back. My boss even let me keep my new increased paycheck from Hawaii. It is not like I do not desire to go home, but the air quality in Hawaii is incomparable to that of New York City.

You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

I think I can get home before Christmas, and I brought some keepsakes and gifts from Hawaii. It also is not long until my 26th birthday. None of my coworkers believe I am currently 25 years of age; they say I look as if I am 19 years old and are doubtful that "such a young person" can handle a manager job properly. Maybe I should teach them a tip or two about maintaining their body, although I am not sure how healthy it is to write in a journal while swaying on a boat (I just made the concoction in the waste bin, now viscous-looking, an even more significant biological threat).

I do not know how long I will stay in my New York workplace, as my boss might decide that the economic situation in China is booming due to the Open Door policy established last year and send me to China. I am not sure how many more boat rides I can endure, so they better pay me more if I get sent to China. It is a long way to go from the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific Ocean; maybe I should have taken the train on the transcontinental railroad and then the boat instead of going all the way down and around Chile and Argentina. If magic is ever discovered, the first thing people should do is use it to cure boat nausea. Now is probably a good time for me to throw my biological weapon in the waste bin overboard and hope it does not raise chaotic evil large aberrations in the water. (Probably not, considering that I have not seen any aberrations within the rivers filled with factory waste and pollutants)

EDITOR NOTE:

There is a page missing before this journal entry, torn out of the page imperfectly. It is presumed that the page is a previous incomplete version of entry 4. On what remains of the writing on the margins of that page, there is illegible swaying handwriting. There is also a suspicious dried liquid on a page of this entry. After interpreting the text on this page, one of the editors who touched that spot on the journal quit on the spot. We are currently one editor short on our current project, so if you are interested in joining us, please visit www.pleaseiwantextracredits.org/apply-for-a-job/suffering.