Chapter 40 — Guilt

  Natalie led the way to the nearest bus stop. Quinn stayed close by her side, while Percy flew high above them, keeping watch. After a helpful tip from the voice, she'd realized that the rest of the world wouldn't recognize her quite so readily, and keeping Percy close made them stand out far too much. Kelsey, Mitch and Tyler lagged behind just a little, which didn't do much to soothe Natalie's nerves—or her feelings.

  She believed they were her friends, true and loyal, but this new revelation hadn't had time to set in. Quinn had taken a minute to come around when she'd told him, and that was with her telling him. Who knew exactly what the others had heard? What might they be thinking about Natalie—who she was, who her father was, what had happened in Rallsburg? Natalie couldn't just let it sit. She had to know for certain… but she didn't want to go through it more times than she absolutely needed to. Once was bad enough already.

  "Quinn…" she murmured.

  "Yeah?"

  "We should find Steven. If he's not actually sick like Mitch said, and something else is going on, we gotta be there for him."

  He nodded, though there was an undercurrent of anxiety to every movement Quinn made now. Natalie couldn't blame him—her own skin was constantly crawling, begging her to flee, keeping her paranoia sky-high—but she wished he could be a stable rock, somewhere she could roost like Percy might, and take a breath.

  You will never be accepted by their world.

  Natalie couldn't disagree. There might be a few exceptions, like Quinn—and her principal, apparently—but the mundane world had shown its colors again and again.

  "Hey," said Quinn into his phone. He'd gotten ahold of Steven. His fingers clutched around hers even tighter as they spoke. "Listen, Steven, we 've got a code re—what?"

  They stopped walking. Mitch nearly bowled into the suddenly stock-still Quinn, barely paying attention as he continued the latest heated debate with Kelsey.

  "What the heck, dude?"

  Quinn ignored him, and so did everybody else. "...This is really big, man," he murmured.

  Another pause. Sweat trickled down the back of Natalie's neck. A brush of wind rustled her hair. She glanced around the street, certain they were being watched, but nothing stood out. Likewise, Percy—who, for all her insults, was actually quite good at spotting danger—had not called out any warning.

   "You…" Quinn's eyes screwed up in confusion. He glanced at his phone. "...He hung up."

  "Well, that settles it," said Mitch confidently. "We gotta go get him."

  "We do?" asked Tyler.

  "He just texted me," said Quinn. "Said he's gotta stay home all day, but nothing about being sick."

  "Sounds like an invitation to me," said Kelsey.

  Natalie nodded. "We're going there."

  "But what about…" Quinn trailed off, looking at Natalie nervously.

  She shrugged. "If his mom's there, I'll talk to her. Or we run."

  "We run?" asked Tyler fearfully.

  "Yeah, we run, dude," said Kelsey. "Don't worry. Natalie and I got your back."

  Natalie smiled. "Right."

  An engine rumbled by, shaking the ground and pressing in on Natalie's sharp ears. The bus was pulling up to the stop—and they needed to be on it.

  "Come on!" Kelsey cried, breaking into a run. Mitch tore after her, Tyler trying desperately to keep up. Natalie started to follow.

  Quinn hesitated. She glanced at him. "Quinn?" she asked quietly.

  "Nothing." He started to move.

  What's going on?

  You do not have time to worry about it. Hurry!

  The voice was right. Natalie sped up, nearly dragging Quinn along behind her as she picked up speed. She slowed down, not wanting to let go of his hand. Natalie had to remember just how fast she could sprint. They made the bus just in time.

  Natalie and Quinn flashed their school bus passes on the scanner. As usual, Natalie got the stare from the driver, but to her relief, it was just the typical scar-stare. Nothing to do with her real identity. Quickly, she hurried to the rear seats snatched up by the others.

  "How many stops?" asked Natalie quietly. She hadn't been paying much attention the last time they'd ridden out to Steven's place, and it was a school bus before.

  "Not too many," said Quinn.

  "Here, Jenny," said Kelsey. Natalie took a split-second to realize why she'd used her old name, before remembering that it still wasn't totally safe out in public. Better safe than sorry. Thanks, Kelsey. "Come sit back here in the corner on the side seat. So your scar's facing away from everyone."

  Natalie nodded. "Good idea."

  Quinn couldn't sit with her in that spot. Natalie squeezed his hand again before breaking away. The release sent a chill through her arm, but it coupled with an incongruent sense of relief that troubled her even more. I thought I was past that…

  Every contact you allow puts you further at risk.

  Leave me and Quinn alone.

  I will never leave you, Natalie.

  Somehow, the voice made it sound equally comforting and ominous. Natalie shivered, both from the cold rush of air from the bus speeding up down a hill, and from the voice's last words.

  Natalie knew she was crazy, at least to some degree. People weren't supposed to hear voices, and definitely weren't supposed to talk back to them. Sometimes, she chalked it up to magic—after all, people weren't supposed to be able to talk to animals, or shoot lightning bolts, or fly, or whatever else people like her could do—but the voice felt different. It didn't come from the fire inside her, the little crackling source of her power and energy. The voice was something else entirely.

  It scared her, and it protected her, and Natalie couldn't decide if it was a bad thing. Every day that went by, she became more comfortable with it floating around in her mind. The voice held no distinct sound—while Natalie liked to attribute it to Linnethea from the game, in truth, she couldn't tell if it even had a gender of any kind, much less an identity. Natalie had no idea where it came from, why it had awoken, or why it wanted to help her so much. She'd grown to trust it, but that very fact scared her as well.

  The voice simply was, no matter how much Natalie might try to deny it. Far worse, she was afraid she'd come to accept it entirely.

  Am I going down the same path as Dad?

  You do not hold hate in your heart. You are untouched by rage. You act for the good of those you love.

  I get mad. I hate.

  Do you?

  What about… Seattle?

  You could pursue him at any time and claim revenge. You have not. Your father would not have done the same. Hailey would not have done the same. They are avatars of hate and vengeance. You are different.

The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

  But what about Blake? I got mad. I hurt her.

  You have only ever acted in your own defense.

  It was true, and Natalie was slowly coming around to the voice's side in their ongoing argument. Despite her fears, despite all the weight she carried with her every day, Natalie felt comforted. The deep-seated terror she held, that she might become exactly what everyone feared, had been quashed by the voice. She still didn't necessarily see herself as good, but she wasn't going out and hunting people down.

  Thank you.

  Of course, Natalie.

  But… we still might have to turn ourselves in. To protect Rika.

  We may, or we may find another path which still sets her free. Our options are not yet so limited.

  Right.

  "We're here," Kelsey murmured to Natalie.

  She glanced up, and sure enough, the familiar outline of Steven's apartment building was coming into view ahead. They clambered to their feet, while Quinn pulled the cord to signal for a stop. As they exited, Natalie lifted her eyes to the sky, where Percy still circled high above. She sent a tiny wave of magic up to him, a signal she'd worked out to tell him to perch nearby and watch out. They'd be forewarned if any cars approached the complex, particularly the one belonging to Steven's mother.

  Natalie didn't want to get surprised again.

----------------------------------------

  Quinn knocked on the door. "Steven?"

  No answer. He glanced over at Natalie, worried.

  "Should we go in?" asked Kelsey nervously.

  "It's locked, and their building has security."

  Natalie shrugged. "I could open it."

  "I don't…" Quinn glanced around. The rest of them looked determined, and Natalie certainly wasn't going to back down. Quinn nodded, and Natalie stepped forward. Her mind reached out, tracing the handle and lock on the other side. A few seconds later, they clicked open.

  She grinned. "Easy."

  They trooped in behind Natalie. It seemed an unspoken agreement now that Natalie lead the way into anywhere new. She didn't mind—she was stronger than the rest of them combined, by far. If it meant she could protect them from something waiting around a corner someday, it was completely worth the bursts of fear she felt every time she walked into a room all alone.

  "Hello?" Natalie called out.

  "...Jenny?" Steven's voice echoed out from his room. A moment later, he emerged—and instantly, Natalie could tell something was wrong. Steven was seriously upset. He didn't exactly show it, but the way he carried himself and his face gave it away.

  "Where you been, man?" asked Mitch, who obviously hadn't noticed a thing.

  "You already heard?" asked Quinn, which surprised Natalie a little more. She assumed he'd have noticed, at least. This wasn't anything to do with her.

  "Guys…" Natalie said slowly. "This is something else."

  "Huh?"

  Steven's eyes widened a little. "What happened?"

  "Well…" Natalie took a breath. "Blake told. Everybody knows."

  "Oh…" To her surprise, the news didn't seem to strike very hard. Maybe 'cause he wasn't at school. He didn't see how crazy it made everybody. He sounded… underwhelmed. "That's bad."

  "Yeah, no shit it's bad," said Kelsey. "Stupid parents are trying to kick Jenny out of school."

  "Natalie," she murmured.

  "Right. Natalie," said Kelsey, looking embarrassed. "Sorry."

  "It's okay."

  Steven looked at her, and he seemed to finally be distracted from whatever was really on his mind. "Natalie?"

  "That's my real name."

  "Oh. Okay." He nodded. "So what happened?"

  As a group, they moved over to the living room area while they talked. Natalie took the chair at the end, which was just wide enough for her and Quinn to sit with a bit of space between them. Everyone else piled onto the couch, Mitch snagging a basket of chips as he went. He crunched through them as they spoke, taking turns spelling out the whole day for Steven.

  "...and we just left class, since everybody wouldn't leave us alone anymore," Kelsey finished up, filling in the gaps Natalie hadn't known. "Stupid questions about Jenny, over and over and over." She winced. "Sorry, Natalie."

  Natalie ignored the slip. She knew it would take a while for them to adjust her name in their heads. "What kind of questions?"

  "If your mom was a wolf, if you sleep out in the forest, if you drink blood and sacrifice babies or something. Seriously super weird," said Kelsey.

  "They asked me if your family worships the devil," said Mitch.

  "Huh?"

  "Apparently that's what witches do." He shrugged. "I told 'em the devil wishes he could do what you can."

  Natalie frowned. That wasn't exactly the sort of thing she'd want to hear…

  "They…" Tyler sniffed, and had to use his inhaler before continuing. "They asked me if you've got magic, why you hadn't… you know… for me…" He trailed off, but Natalie could fill in the gaps.

   "Assholes," muttered Kelsey. "Tyler, there's nothing wrong with you."

  "Asthma's wrong with me," said Tyler uncomfortably. "They still can't figure out what kind of medications I'm supposed to take so I don't need an inhaler anymore."

  "I couldn't—" Natalie started, but Tyler cut her off.

  "I know. Mason's Law."

  She raised an eyebrow. How does he know about that? Oh… right. The whole diary is out now… which means Tyler has read everything about my dad too.

  We need to ask them. We must know what they are thinking.

  Yeah.

  She took Quinn's hand, which didn't really reassure her as much as she'd like, and looked at a vague spot off in the distance. Natalie couldn't bring herself to see how they'd react. "You guys should know… about my dad."

  "Brian Hendricks," said Tyler, nodding.

  Kelsey's mouth fell open. "...Huh?"

  Mitch rounded on her. "You didn't figure it out?"

  "Nobody mentioned anything about that! I didn't know her last name."

  Natalie winced. She'd assumed they'd made that connection, at least. "He's my dad, yeah."

  "Wait, so… the meeting my moms went to…" Kelsey put a hand over her mouth. "Your dad is running the whole 'let's kill everybody awakened' thing?" She shook her head in disbelief. "But… but that's crazy! You're awakened!"

  "He doesn't know that," murmured Natalie. "I never told him."

  "Why not?"

  "...I was afraid he'd take it away. He got scared by everything back home." Natalie's eyes fell to the ground. "We were there four years before Dad let me hang out with Jenny for real. He was just finally starting to feel like home in Rallsburg, and I was thinking I could introduce him to Gwen and Scrappy once Rachel said it was okay, but then… he disappeared."

  "He disappeared?" asked Mitch. "You dad just ditched you?"

  "Dad thinks magic is too dangerous for anybody," said Natalie. "My best friend got killed and he was afraid I might be next." I think so, anyway. That's the only thing that makes sense to me…

  Mitch looked seriously offended. "My dad would never ditch me like that."

  "He was trying to protect me," said Natalie, suddenly angry. Her eyes shot up to meet Mitch, while her skin boiled slightly just under the surface. Heat was radiating outward in an instant. Natalie wasn't sure why, but she felt like she still had to defend her father. "He had good reasons."

  "For trying to kill everybo—"

  "It doesn't matter," said Steven quietly.

  Everybody stopped, looking over at him. He hadn't spoken since they first walked in. Natalie wasn't even sure he'd been paying attention, though of course he had been.

  "He's your family, right?" Steven asked, and there was a painful undercurrent to his words. All the defensiveness in Natalie evaporated. "He's family," he repeated, more subdued.

  "Steven…?" Natalie asked nervously.

  He took a deep breath, staring at the papers scattered on the coffee table. Natalie hadn't even glanced at them, but with Steven's sudden focus, she decided to take a closer look. Death certificate…? Court papers? Some kind of… I don't know what these mean. But… who died? Was it… oh my god, Steven's mom? No…

  "Mom's out doing paperwork," said Steven, instantly dispelling that fear. "She's not gonna be home for a while, so you don't need to worry."

  Natalie nodded. "Percy's watching out too, just in case." She hesitated. "Steven… who… who died?"

  "What?" asked Mitch, head whipping around to face their friend.

  Steven straightened his glasses, which had gone askew at some point. He looked on the verge of breaking down, which was shocking to all of them. Steven was usually the stable, smart one of the Glasses Gang. If he was this upset…

  "My brother Logan."

  Oh god.

  "Your… that's your big brother, right?" asked Kelsey. "The one who…" she trailed off, looking embarrassed.

  Steven nodded. "He got killed in a drug thing. They came to tell us on Monday. That's why I was gone all week."

  ...Drug thing?

  "I'm so sorry, man," said Mitch, putting an arm around his shoulders. "That sucks."

  "But—" Tyler started. Kelsey immediately kicked his foot to shut him up.

  Even if Logan screwed up really bad, Steven still loved him. They're family, just like he said.

  "How do you do it?" Steven asked, looking to Natalie.

  "Huh?"

  "You've lost so much. How do you deal with this? How are you so strong?"

  I still don't know. I don't think I'm strong at all.

  You are strong. We're strong together.

  That doesn't help Steven though. And it's not true for me either. You weren't there when Jenny died, or when Rallsburg blew up.

  "I… I had somebody to go after," said Natalie slowly, unsure if this was what Steven needed, but she didn't want to lie to him. "I had people to protect, and the guy who killed Jenny was still out there."

  "...They already caught her though," said Steven. "That's why they finally told us he died, since they're supposed to tell the family before it all goes public. They arrested her on Tuesday."

  Wait… Logan. Logan Chau. Where have I heard that before? The prickling on Natalie's neck was back tenfold. Something was wrong. Really wrong.

  "Who?" asked Kelsey.

  "That awakened girl all over the news. Rika Nishimura."

  A hammer blow to Natalie's skull. A feather could have pushed her over in that moment. The room was falling in on her from every direction. The others kept talking, but Natalie fell deadly silent, and Quinn right along with her. Her fingers were gripping Quinn's so tight, she thought she might break his hand. Her skin was on fire, her heart roaring up through her throat.

  He was… oh no. No no no no no no no no no.

  I… Steven's brother was… he was there. He was with them.

  Their faces flashed through her mind.

  Drugs. Steven said his brother dealt drugs. And Steven knew that gang. Steven's mom hated that gang especially, and kicked me out 'cause of the scar on my face. So I—

  Stop, Natalie.

  I killed—

  Stop, now.

  I killed Steven's brother.

  You must not go down this path.

  It was me. I killed his brother. It's my fault.

  You were defending yourself.

  I killed his brother.

  No matter what the voice said, the refrain repeated endlessly in Natalie's mind. She shrunk back in the chair beside Quinn, and her hand finally left his as she pulled her legs up in front of her. Natalie wanted more than anything to sink away, to turn invisible as Cinza or Jessica could do, fly away like Hailey, make a portal as the Laushires could create, speed away like Omega. She needed to escape, but she had no way out.

  Not from herself.