Chapter 36 — Confessions
Natalie spent the rest of Friday in her room, sitting with her back against the closed door, talking to Quinn on the other side. At first, Quinn reassured her over and over that everything was going to be just fine—his parents would get it, they just needed to talk it out first like they always did. Natalie didn't have to leave.
"Mom and Dad always make big decisions together," Quinn went on. "Dad just has to talk it over with her."
"It's okay," said Natalie quietly.
"What?"
She cleared her throat, raising her voice again so she could be heard through the door. Percy screeched with surprise, fluttering his wings a bit and cuffing her in the ear. She ignored him, and he fluttered back over to his perch indignantly. She slid the closet door closed behind him, annoyed. "It's okay," she repeated. "I'll be fine, Quinn."
"But—"
Natalie smiled, glad that Quinn couldn't see her in that moment. She didn't want him to think she was happy about leaving—she really wasn't. She was just happy he cared so much. "I've been on my own before." And it was the worst experience of my life… but Quinn—
"Isn't that how you got hurt?" he asked.
Natalie choked up, her thoughts scattering away like birds scared out of the trees. "...Yeah," she replied. She didn't speak for a while, twiddling her thumbs in an effort to keep the painful memories at bay—keep the black clouds from swallowing her up again.
"...Don't worry, Dad's in the kitchen. He can't hear us."
That's not… Natalie shook her head. "Hey, Quinn?"
"Yeah?"
"Would you…" Natalie hesitated—and in that moment, the voice cut through her thoughts like a knife.
You cannot tell him.
But I hate lying to him.
Is it a lie to withhold information he doesn't need to know?
He wants to be with me, and he doesn't know what I've done. He likes somebody that's only a little part of me. Quinn let his dad yell at him rather than break my trust. I don't want to hide anything from him.
There is a difference between Quinn and this.
Natalie shook her head again, trying to brush the voice from her thoughts. She raised her voice again, realizing Quinn still hadn't said a word. "You still there?"
"Yeah." He tapped the door a couple times. "Tyler texted me. Blake didn't say a single word the rest of the day, apparently."
Oh… well… Natalie winced. "I wish I hadn't done that."
"She's been picking on you for months," Quinn pointed out. "And you didn't mean to hurt her."
"Quinn," said Natalie, blood rushing in her head as she let the words spill out of her mouth, "what if I did?"
"What?"
Stop this. You mustn't.
"What if I've hurt people before?" Natalie went on, voice shaking. "A lot worse than Blake."
"I don't understand. Are you talking about the libr—"
"No," Natalie interrupted. She wasn't sure what he was going to say, but no matter what, she knew it wasn't right. He couldn't possibly know—but she needed to tell him, and she needed to see his face so she knew he understood.
Natalie stood up and opened the door. Quinn was sitting against the doorjamb, phone at his side, eyes half-hidden behind the reflection in his glasses. She held out her hand, helping him to his feet. To her relief, that brief contact didn't push her further than usual—it still hurt, and she couldn't stand to be close for too long, but she was beginning to find some level of comfort close to Quinn. She really needed that right now.
"Come in," she said quietly.
Quinn raised an eyebrow. He glanced down the hall at the kitchen, where his dad was starting to work on dinner. "But—"
"My room, my rules, right?" Natalie shook her head. "We'll leave the door open. I just… I can't talk to you like that anymore, okay?"
Quinn nodded. "Okay."
Even though it was his home and he'd probably been in it a thousand times, Natalie still felt like it were something momentous and unprecedented—as Quinn stepped across the threshold into her little space, her heart skipped a few beats. He glanced around curiously, taking everything in through his thin rimless glasses.
Natalie had cleaned the place up the day before, thankfully. The books she'd taken out of her bag to read were stacked neatly on the bedside table, along with a small pile of gemstones, so she could grab them right out of bed in an emergency. She'd hung up all her nicer clothes in the closet, and her homework was stacked in neat piles against the far wall, since she didn't have a desk or anything. The one thing really lacking were decorations—despite the Kincaids' reassurances, Natalie didn't want to stick anything on the walls quite yet. Maybe someday.
If you don't find yourself set adrift today with this foolish action.
I trust Quinn, okay? If I can't trust my boyfriend, I can't trust anybody in the world.
That seems accurate.
"You're the worst," Natalie muttered, draping her bag across the back of a folding chair next to her bed. She sat down on the edge, nervously twiddling her toes, waiting for Quinn to do something. She wanted to talk to him, tell him everything, but still—he was in her room, in her place, for the first time. Natalie just wanted to wait.
Quinn glanced at the closet first. "...Percy, right?" he asked.
"Yeah."
He held up an arm. "Can I just… call him?"
Natalie giggled, in spite of herself. The tension in her stomach eased out a little—of course Quinn would want to meet one of her pets first. If she were in his shoes, she'd want to do the same. "You don't want to have him land on your bare arm, trust me."
Quinn winced. "Oh, yeah. That makes sense."
She quickly murmured the spell to make the whole room muffled to the outside, before Damian overheard her talking in her animal voice, while Quinn pulled on his windbreaker. Natalie double-checked the door, then gave a little wave at the closet, sliding the door open to reveal Percy's little coat-rack perch.
Quinn glanced at her. "So can I learn how to talk to him too?"
Natalie shook her head. "I still don't really know how I do it. It just kinda… comes out." Percy, meanwhile, was eyeing Quinn suspiciously. Natalie rolled her eyes.
Percy screeched, and Natalie could have sworn he shook his head in return, glaring at her.
A wave of his wing at Quinn, and another short screech. Natalie sighed. "Good thing I muffled us," she muttered.
"What's up?" asked Quinn.
"I told him you were my boyfriend. I don't think he likes that idea." Natalie sighed. She held up her own arm, and Percy immediately shot across the room to perch near her elbow. She brushed his head lightly before turning back to Quinn. "He'll get used to it."
Quinn grinned. "As long as he doesn't peck out my eyes or anything."
Natalie giggled. "If you think this is bad, I can't wait til you meet Gwen."
"Gwen's the… wolf, right?"
She nodded. "She's like… twice your size, at least."
"Jeez." Quinn shuddered. His arm started to go down, but Natalie took his hand to hold him steady.
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She looked Percy in the eye very seriously.
Meekly, Percy took a few hesitant steps forward along her arm, toward the point where her hand joined with Quinn's. Quinn's eyes went wide, watching the hawk amble toward him. Natalie grinned. "Be ready, he's heavier than you think."
As Percy stepped across and the weight lifted off Natalie's arm, Quinn's sagged a little. Percy wasn't massive—he still only weighed a few pounds—but his talons caught her off guard the first few times. She expected the same from Quinn, and she wasn't disappointed. As the sharp hooks clawed their way across Quinn's windbreaker sleeve, he gasped a couple times—but he held steady.
Natalie let go of Quinn's hand, sitting back to give him some space. Percy glared up at Quinn, shuffling a little on his arm, but didn't let go. For the first time ever, one of Natalie's pets was trusting another person—and it's Quinn. Just like I wanted.
She smiled, while Quinn slowly reached up to Percy's head. "Is it cool if I…" Quinn asked.
Percy didn't move, but Natalie could tell he wouldn't resist. She nodded to Quinn, and he stroked his head just like she always did. Natalie grinned. "Cool, right?"
"Awesome," Quinn breathed. Glee washed through Natalie's brain as Quinn smiled at the bird. She'd been worried that Quinn might not like any of her friends—but those worries were long gone, as Quinn continued to pet Percy.
The hawk swiveled its head around to Natalie. He opened and closed his beak a couple times, eyeing her with an annoyed air. She winced. "Oh… right. He's probably hungry. I haven't fed him since last night."
"...What does he eat?"
"Well, I can't let him hunt around here." Natalie shrugged. "I give him mice from the pet store, mostly."
"Mice?" Quinn asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah."
"Does he, like—"
"Eats them live, yeah." Natalie pointed at the closet, lifting the box of mice out and floating it across to them. She picked one out and set it aside where Percy could get to it. Immediately, the hawk lit from Quinn's arm and dove for the bed, snatching the mouse up and devouring it.
Quinn turned away, looking a bit nauseated. Natalie smirked, quickly cleaning up after Percy's meal with another couple spells she'd practiced—incinerating the leftovers of the mouse, and sucking away any stains straight out of the sheets to leave them like new.
"Still think he's cool?" she asked, floating the box of mice away.
"...Sure." Quinn grimaced. "I just..."
Natalie laughed. "I won't feed him around you anymore."
"...Thanks." As Percy fluttered back to his perch, Natalie sat up on her bed, back to the wall. Quinn glanced back, expression serious again. "So… what did you want to talk about?"
She nodded, while the brief bit of happiness drained away again. It wasn't replaced by despair, though—Natalie felt more of a grim determination, like what she'd felt toward the end of Rallsburg. There was something unpleasant about to happen, she knew it, and she knew that only pushing herself through it would solve anything.
Still don't trust him?
Your hawk doesn't trust him.
Percy's really dumb though.
You must decide for yourself. Has Quinn proven himself trustworthy? Has he ever betrayed any of your secrets?
No, of course not.
What about when he revealed you were in witness protection to his friends?
He was on drugs, and that was my fault. And it turned out okay anyway.
But he told his parents you were together, before either of you had decided such a thing.
We said we wanted to be dating… and I don't think he told them. He seemed just as surprised. It was probably somebody else.
Quinn is a barrier from your real goal. Your home.
Quinn makes me feel like I'm home.
"Natalie?" asked Quinn, and hearing her name—her real name, the one which truly meant her—was enough to push her over the edge. Natalie needed him to know.
"...I hurt people," she whispered. "A lot of people."
His eyes softened—this close, Natalie could actually see the hazel-colored irises through his glasses, without any hard lights to reflect off the lenses. He had nice eyes. "What do you—"
"Back home. In Rallsburg." Natalie took a deep breath, her gaze falling to the floor. She forced her eyes back up to level with his. "The people who got… got killed… by lightning. And then again, in Seattle, when I got lost. I… I killed people."
There, it was all in the open. Natalie bit her lip, her hands folded in her lap. She stared at a point just past Quinn now, on the wall behind him—close enough to see his expression, but not so close that she felt like she were overwhelmed. She waited, terrified, but trusting him. Trusting he'd understand, or at the very least, he wouldn't betray her.
Finally, Quinn spoke, after what seemed like hours, but had only been a minute or two. "...Are you okay?"
Tears burst from Natalie's eyes, sudden and unbidden. She shook her head. "No, I'm really not," she whispered. Her hands flew to her face, covering herself. Her entire world went black. She couldn't see a single speck of light between her fingers. "I didn't want to do it, but they… they just wouldn't stop. They—"
Arms wrapped around her. Natalie's hands were still pressed into her face. She hadn't seen him coming. The clouds returned to her mind, and her arms and legs screamed at her to run, to break free. It's Quinn! she shouted inside her skull. I want him to hug me!
Her body felt like it was on fire, but her mind kept pulling back, like a tug of war between what Natalie needed and what she couldn't have. Everything on the surface screamed at her to flee, to get away from the threat—but finally, finally, Natalie felt like she could fight it back.
She didn't move. She didn't return the hug, but she didn't break away either. It wasn't pleasant, it wasn't comforting, but compared to the month of pain and terror she'd been enduring, it may as well have been. Quinn hugged her, and Natalie felt, for the first time in so long, that she was finally getting better…
...until it stopped. The black clouds surged forward, the pain pushed in, and Natalie couldn't hold it anymore. She pushed—and instantly, Quinn backed off. He went back to his chair, leaving Natalie alone on the bed once again. She shivered in place, pulling a blanket up to surround her.
"I—" Quinn started, but Natalie quickly shook her head.
"...Thank you," she whispered, trying to tell him it wasn't his fault, "but I still… I can't—"
Quinn nodded. He looked hurt—and that only added to Natalie's pain. She enveloped herself in the blanket, trying to hide from the world again. Percy, sensing her distress, flew back across the room again and landed next to her, spreading his wings wide at the presumed threat. Natalie waved him off before he attacked Quinn, but it became obvious that she wasn't going to get what she wanted.
She was still damaged and broken, and even telling Quinn the truth hadn't helped.
"Quinn?" called Damian, and it shattered the moment entirely.
Quinn hurried to the door, since Natalie's spell was still keeping any noise from escaping. "Yeah?"
"Could you come here for a moment, please?"
Quinn pulled back into the room, glancing at Natalie. "You can hear things from far away, right?"
Not sure what he intended, Natalie nodded silently. She hadn't ever told Quinn that, worried he might think she were spying on him and his family, but evidently he'd figured it out anyway.
He nodded. "You should listen in. Just… in case, you know. If you need to run, I get it."
Natalie shook her head. "I won't."
"It's okay." Quinn smiled awkwardly. "We've got phones. Just call me from wherever you go. I'll come meet you there." With that, Quinn left the room, hurrying to talk to his father.
Natalie brushed the last few tears from her eyes and sat up. She knew Quinn was right. As loathe as she was to listen into the Kincaids' conversations, she couldn't risk not knowing. If they were going to kick her out—or worse, turn her in—she needed to know right away, so she could get moving. Where to, she wasn't sure, but Natalie knew more than anything that she never wanted to be caught off guard again, like she had by Blake, or the Laushires, or by Meltyface… or her father.
A quick murmured spell, and Natalie could hear every word.
"...sorry to ask this, but what were you two talking about?"
"Just… some stuff from before we met," said Quinn uncomfortably. He doesn't like lying either…
Damian sighed. "Q, what happened between you two? How'd you end up getting hurt?"
"I thought you wanted to get her side of the story."
"Q, you already broke one rule tonight. Don't dig this hole any deeper."
"...I did?"
"You weren't supposed to ever go in her room."
Natalie winced.
Quinn got indignant. "She asked me to, Dad!"
"Quinn," said Damian—and Natalie felt a chill run down her spine at his tone. Whenever he called Quinn by his full name, it always meant something serious. "I know you and Jenny are close—"
"She's my girlfriend, Dad," said Quinn, and Natalie felt a little burst of incongruous joy at those words, mixed in with all the other emotions stomping through her body like a horrible conga line.
"That's not the point. Something's off about that girl."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"She doesn't add up." Damian hesitated, while Natalie felt her world starting to crash down around her from far down the hall and through the open door. "We've heard a lot of strange things about her."
"From who?" Quinn shot back. "If it's Mrs. Sinclair again—"
"Mrs. Chau," said Damian, naming Steven's mom. Not somebody we can just ignore… Natalie winced. "And from a few other parents at school. We asked around."
"Why would you do that? Why not just ask me?"
Damian sighed. "We're trying to figure out what happened to her, Q. I don't want to make Jenny relive it if I don't have to." He paused again. "Do you know the whole story?"
Quinn still doesn't… and who could Damian ask to get it, anyway? Nobody knows the whole story but me. Even Rachel and Cinza only know a few parts…
"No," said Quinn firmly.
The front door clicked open. Annette was home. Natalie heard rustling of bags, normal greetings as both father and son shifted gears. Natalie wondered if that was the end of the conversation—but of course, it wasn't. The Kincaids weren't a family that kept any secrets from each other. That sounds nice…
"What's going on?" asked Annette, obviously clued in to the hanging tension in the whole building—so thick, Natalie felt like she could choke on it.
"We've got a lot to discuss," said Damian in an exhausted tone.
They don't keep secrets. I don't want to keep secrets either.
"I got your text," said Annette. "What's this about?"
Every time I tell Quinn something, it turns out okay.
"Mom," Quinn started, "it's—"
They treat me like family.
"Wait," Natalie called out, halting their conversation in its tracks.
She stepped out from her doorway—leaving Percy behind, before she really went overboard—and walked down the hall, feeling like every step was longer and harder than the last. The voice, fainter with every step, shouted at her to turn back, to flee, but Natalie's mind was made up.
"Jenny?" asked Damian, looking up. He and Annette were standing near the kitchen table, while Quinn sat at the far end in his usual spot. All three looked surprised at her approach. Natalie shot Quinn a sad smile before turning to his parents. She shook her head.
Natalie took a deep breath. "My name's not Jenny."
Nobody spoke. Quinn's eyebrows shot up so fast, Natalie half-expected them to fly right off his face. Silently, Natalie took her spot at the fourth seat around the table—and following her cue, Quinn's parents did likewise. They both stared at her as if they'd never seen her before, and Natalie couldn't exactly blame them. She'd been living with them and lying to them for nearly two weeks.
"I'm sorry…" she started, finally breaking the silence.
"Natalie?" asked Quinn. His eyes went wide as dinner plates when he realized what he'd said.
Both heads across the table snapped over to their son. Annette's mouth fell open. "You knew?" she asked sharply, before Quinn could ask whatever he'd been about to ask.
"Please," Natalie interjected. "I asked him not to tell."
"...Why?" asked Annette.
"It's not safe," said Natalie. "For people find out who I am."
"So you took a fake name?" asked Damian.
"Damian," said Annette, placing a hand on his. "Let her speak."
Natalie nodded. "My name's Natalie. The stuff about not having anywhere to live was true. I was living with someone, but I got… locked out, I guess." This is too hard to explain without talking about magic. I have to tell them. "I've been in hiding since May. Since… since my home got burned down."