Malori took a shaky breath as she mentally went over what she’d say. Almost an entire week had gone by since her friends had fought directly with a legitimate, actual dragon and won. Almost an entire week since she’d cried her eyes out, twice, in Colette’s arms. Almost an entire week since she cured part of Adonis’s illness, and started making regular check-ins with them to make sure that they were getting treatments for the parts that were too ingrained in their body to simply do away with. Almost a week, and Colette hadn’t made a single mention of the events of the day or Malori’s healing magic outside of making sure she didn’t overexert herself when checking on Adonis.
Even when giving her full report to the king, not a single word was spoken about Malori’s abilities. Why? It would have been the perfect time, and she wasn’t in any position to say no to whatever was proposed or demanded of her. Why was it that the more genuine Colette seemed in her friendship, the more anxious it made that part of Malori’s brain?
She wanted so badly for that friendship to be real, to not just be a manipulation, she had actually convinced herself to do the unthinkable. In the previous week, Malori had earned enough trust and goodwill from Colette that she was able to wander one wing of the castle on her own. Guard shifts had been increased in that wing, but the gesture wasn’t lost on her. She was allowed to have time to herself. Besides, Colette had numerous other duties she needed to attend to, some of which were too secretive to keep a watch on Malori. Those times, Malori often found herself accompanied by one of the Archmage’s honor guards. She liked Castor. He was a bit of a bookworm, and had similar taste as her the few times he’d mentioned it.
Gods, did her thoughts have to be such a jumble now of all times? She took another shaky breath, holding her hands gently in front of her. A crack of light from the inside of the room up ahead reminded her again of what she was about to do, and it took everything in her power to swallow the lump in her throat. Technically, she wasn’t supposed to be in this part of the castle on her own, which was why she had an escort. While Castor or Medea would have been preferable, they weren’t present. The only person she could ask for an escort from was Ivar, which left her with…
“Is something the matter, Malori?” the voice sounded almost accusatory.
“N-No! Nothing is the matter, Lilith, j-just, um, thinking about things…” her surprised yelp quickly turned into a murmur as she tried to avoid eye contact with the dark elf. She radiated an air of intensity that almost made Malori’s knees feel weak, only in the complete opposite of the way Kallen did.
“Mm.”
Malori blinked. Why did the lack of response make her even more nervous? It was like interacting with a more reserved Natalia. She shuddered at the thought of those two being in the same room. Someone would probably die. The esper shook her head. Now was not the time to be thinking about such morbid things.
“Wait here,” Lilith commanded, continuing forward to the door.
Not wanting to get on the terrifying woman’s bad side, Malori didn’t make a peep as she stopped short in the middle of the corridor, watching Lilith’s cape swish as she knocked and entered the room.
Thoughts swam through Malori’s mind as she stood alone in the hall. This was the part she hated the most. Being left alone for an indeterminate amount of time right before doing something she was utterly terrified to do? It was like a nightmare, and she was very familiar with nightmares. It left her with far too much time to overthink and second guess her decisions. The list of times she’d been in a similar situation only to get cold feet and turn back at that last minute was far too long for any normal person to remember each and every one, but more than a few stuck out to her. When she tried to give flowers to that merchant’s beautiful daughter whose eyes sparkled with her smile, the time she wanted to try asking one of the priestesses to teach her to bake, when she saw the boy her age reading her favorite book and wanted to try to make a friend.
When you wanted to ask Alice to treat you kindly for once.
She quickly shook the thought away. Not right now. No matter the situation, they were all moments that filled her with regret. Most of the time, she wished she could forget them. Sometimes she felt like her memory was a curse. Maybe she remembered the details of every book, the methodology and thought processes behind types of magic, but given the life she’d led so far, those silver linings were few and far between. So much of that memory felt like it had been set aside solely for her regrets. Her anxieties. Her fears. Her nightmares.
Her time with Colette had given her something she wasn’t used to though. It had given her happy memories. Truly happy ones that were yet to be soured by future interactions. As much as she feared such a day would come, her stomach twisted and turned in a way it hadn’t with Ingrid after first meeting her. She wanted more of those memories. She wanted more of that strange feeling in her stomach that came with the joy she wasn’t accustomed to. Her fingers clenched around the hem of her skirt. She didn’t want Colette to be another one of those regretful memories.
Malori’s head snapped up as she heard the door creak open. Her heart pounded as a concerned looking Colette stepped out and shut the door behind her. The pair approached each other, the Archmage carefully looking her over.
“Hello Malori, it’s good to see you. You usually prefer to be alone this time of day. Is everything alright? Ivar isn’t giving you a hard time, is he?” she asked in that soothing, tender voice.
Sure enough, Malori felt that sensation of her stomach doing backflips. Was Colette really paying that much attention to her daily routine? “N-N-No! I mean, um, Ivar has been nothing but cordial with me. I-I was hoping to speak with you, and I was worried that I would change my mind if I didn’t at least attempt to as soon as I c-could.”
The concern on Colette’s face faded as Malori spoke, replaced with a gentle smile. “Of course. I’m a little bit busy at the moment, and I likely won’t be freed up until supper,” she explained apologetically. “If it’s something important to you though, I don’t want to rush you through it. Would you like to speak about it tonight? Just the two of us.”
Already, Malori could feel some of her anxieties fading away as the other woman spoke. The sincerity behind all of her words never failed to assuage her worries. At times it created different ones though. The idea of someone being this tender and caring with her just didn’t compute, it was too alien.
She gripped her skirt tighter, staring at the ground. Eye contact while feeling like this was impossible. “O-Oh. Um, that’s fine. I don’t want to t-trouble you…”
Colette cocked her head. A brief look of confusion quickly morphed into understanding. “You don’t want to back out, do you.”
Malori shook her head.
“Well, I do have an idea. If you’re willing, I can press you on the topic when we’re together tonight. However, something like that could be uncomfortable, or make you anxious. I don’t want to do something like that without express permission from you.”
Again, Malori felt a bit of the tension in her body ease. The idea wasn’t one she was particularly a fan of, but the way Colette suggested it made her feel more… confident? She wasn’t sure if that was the right word, but it came to mind.
“I-I don’t think that will be necessary. I think you’re right. Those kinds of things always make me nervous, and I usually lose my train of thought,” she said quietly. “But! Um, I–Thank you. Um, for asking.”
“Of course! That’s why I do it,” Colette giggled. She glanced back at the door, where Lilith was now standing with her arms behind her back. “If you’re confident in yourself to keep to your decision, then I trust you. If not, we can find another time and let your confidence rebuild. Either is perfectly fine with me.”
Malori nodded, a tiny smile on her face. Even if she couldn’t have their talk right now, she had still taken a step. Colette had said that any step was worth being proud of, no matter how small. She wasn’t sure exactly the size of this step, but the first one tended to feel the biggest, regardless of what it entailed.
“I-I hope the rest of your work goes well! And that it isn’t b-boring or anything. N-Not that I think your work would be boring, I think it’s fascinating. I just know that s-sometimes people are bored in their work,” she stammered, stopping herself as she realized her own rambling. “S-Sorry…”
“There’s no need to apologize,” Colette grinned. “Thank you for the well wishes. I’ll see you in a few hours.”
The Archmage turned to re-enter the room, nodding at Lilith as she did. The dark elf approached Malori and gestured respectfully for her to follow.
It had been a simple conversation, and was more a conversation about having a conversation, but Malori still felt herself brimming with pride and confidence. She was certain she was going to be able to talk to Colette about her magic. All she had to do was continue to think positive. Oftentimes that was easier said than done, but being around Colette made it feel easier. Like she could do anything.
Once they had passed through the hall turned a few corners, Lilith spoke up. “You and Archmage Colette. You seem close.”
Her sudden interjection was enough to almost make Malori jump. She took a moment for her heart to settle before responding. “I-I-I guess… I’m not really sure. I don’t think I’ve ever had a r-real friend before. This is all very strange for me. I’m not sure if I’m d-doing this correctly.”
“No real friends? Who are the people you came here with then?” she asked, ignoring the latter half of the sentence.
Malori shifted awkwardly, wringing her hands. “Well, I’ve been with them for a l-long time now…”
“I don’t see how time is particularly relevant. I’m asking how you feel about them.”
“Ah,” Malori winced. She could feel her brain buzzing as Lilith pushed further. Why did this feel like an interrogation? “W-Well, it’s kind of, um, c-complicated. I-I-I’m not really comfortable talk–”
“Then explain it,” she deadpanned. Every word out of her mouth was deliberate. Spoken clearly and curtly enough to tell the esper that she wasn’t in the mood to dance around the subject.
Malori could feel her heartbeat rising. She didn’t want to do this, or be here. It reminded her too much of her talk with Natalia, or when Alice was angry with her. Her hands felt shaky. She wished she could go back to Colette and talk with her. Someone safe.
“I believe I asked you a question. What is your relation to the group you arrived here with? I don’t like repeating myself,” The calmness and clarity that came with the dark elf’s voice made it feel all the more threatening. It made it seem like no emotions were clouding her, instead facing her situation with cold, calculating efficiency. The way her mind blocked out any of Malori’s sense of what was going on in there emotionally made doubly sure that that was the impression she gave.
“I-I-I don’t know,” she whimpered, drawing her arms to her chest. “Th-This is a lot right now, a-and I was trying to th-think about doing something else I’m afraid of–”
“You’re afraid of talking about them?” Lilith scoffed, not bothering to hide her irritation. “No, I don’t think that’s entirely true, only mostly. You’re afraid to think about it because you’re worried that the answer may leave you alone again.”
Malori started at the ground, tears beginning to prick the corners of her eyes. Her pace slowed, but she couldn’t even tell if Lilith had slowed with her. No sound of any kind to indicate she was there. This was worse. “I-I really d-don’t want to talk about this. P-Please, I just want to r-rest…”
“Ah, you’re back,” a calm voice said.
Wiping away a few of the stray tears, Malori looked up to see Ivar approaching them. He frowned when he saw her, carefully looking her over. He turned to Lilith.
“Lilith, did you make the poor girl cry? I thought we talked about this,” he sighed. He sounded like a disappointed parent.
…I think.
“I was inquiring her thoughts on the four we sent to Reach. This appears to be a topic of stress for her,” she deadpanned.
Ivar glanced at Malori again. “Did you figure that one out all by yourself?”
“Indeed. It took years of dedicated study.”
Malori blinked. Were they joking? She didn’t know how she was supposed to tell when they sounded the exact same as they did in normal conversation. Was Lilith really the kind of person to switch gears so quickly? A part of her wondered why she was so intent on delving into her relationships like that. She glanced up at the dark elf. Maybe she was just cruel.
“Regardless, this is the designated wing for her to move around in. Would you mind giving us some space? I wanted to talk to her about something,” he glanced down at her. “If, of course, she’s willing.”
Ivar’s politeness was still a surprise to her after all this time. She glanced back and forth between him and Lilith, trying to gauge the woman’s reaction. Completely neutral as always. Malori shuddered. She really was a combination of the most terrifying parts of both Natalia and Kallen.
A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
“I’ll be o-okay,” she muttered. If nothing else, it got her away from Lilith. “W-What did you want to talk about?”
A kind smile grew on Ivar’s face. “Follow me, I’d like to talk about it in my study. Lilith, you’re free to take your leave for the moment. In about half an hour, the King wishes to address the Shadows. I recommend preparing for that.”
Lilith offered a respectful bow. “Of course, your Highness.”
Neither exchanged any more words as Lilith silently left, leaving Ivar and Malori alone in the hall. The Prince had a hand on his hip as he watched her leave, a pensive smile on his face.
“She’s overworking herself again,” he sighed, shaking his head. “I might as well ask the sun to stop shining. Well, shall we go then?”
Her eyes remained at the ground as Ivar guided her to his study. Too much was happening today. The check ins with Ingrid and the others were mundane in the best way possible. She didn’t exactly want to hear more about how her friends almost died doing random things. Aside from Natalia needing to rest her wings for a bit longer and ride with Alice, it sounded like things were going well. There were still monsters, but nothing particularly difficult to handle. Especially not after the dragon. They all felt tame in comparison to that beast.
If they’d gotten into another horrible situation like that, she doubted she’d be able to handle it gracefully.
Ivar opened the door as they arrived. “After you.”
She nodded and walked through, being greeted by the sight of his central table mostly cleaned off for the first time since Malori had first seen it. At one section of it, a pair of chairs had been set up, along with still steaming cups of tea in front of each, and a tray of pastries between the two. The smell hit her so hard it was difficult to not dash forward and dig in.
“Th-That smell, are these Olympe’s pastries?” she asked quietly, approaching behind Ivar. He pulled the first chair out for her to sit down in before moving to his own.
“Colette mentioned how much you liked them, so I thought I’d have some of them picked up,” he stated plainly. “Have as many as you’d like, I’ll have what’s left.”
Malori furrowed her brow as she cautiously reached for one of them. It was a delicate pink swirl that looked almost like solid icing, and tasted just as sweet upon her first bite. It started off with a rigidity that made it easy to bite into, but as she ate, became more chewy and soft. According to Olympe, they were called merengues. They’d quickly become a favorite of hers.
Ivar had always been polite, but this was strange. Having Lilith, who he was almost never seen without, leave them alone with tea and pastries? Especially pastries that had been specifically picked out due to Malori’s preferences, and giving her priority on any that she wanted. A blush quickly spread across her face. She always hated how obvious it was when compared to her abnormally pale skin.
“P-Prince Ivar, is this–Um, p-pardon me for asking, I’ve just been realizing things a-and I may be looking too f-far into this but are you–”
He raised a hand for her to stop, still smiling.
“No, I am not trying to court you. I can see where that impression may have come from though,” he chuckled. “Even if I did feel that way, there are far too many social barriers. I’m royalty while you’re a traveler. I’m expected to marry another noble. Not to mention your technical status as a criminal.”
She winced. What a stupid question. Why did she even think of it?
“Also, you’re an avid reader who has recommended numerous books to Colette, all of which include prominent romantic relationships between two women. I’m not exactly a fool, Malori,” he joked, taking a sip of his tea. Thankfully, he wouldn’t have seen Malori’s blush deepen significantly.
“Sh-She talks about the books I recommend?” she murmured the question. For a moment she thought she’d have to repeat it so Ivar could actually hear.
“Extensively. She speaks of her time with you in general extensively,” he smiled, placing his teacup back on the plate. “You should have heard her gushing about your first excursion into the city. You’d think she just had the best day of her life,” he paused, inspecting Malori. A huff of air from his nose accompanied the flicker of amusement in his emotions.
Malori couldn’t help but flounder briefly, letting out a string of odd noises that were likely supposed to be the start of words, but none of them ever amounted to anything. Ivar’s surprised laughter only served to make things more difficult. It flustered her to be sure, but like Colette’s, it had that same dissonance with the laughter of someone like Alice. It wasn’t at her expense.
“Oh gods, I apologize!” he said, calming himself down. The smile remained. “Admittedly, I haven’t interacted directly with you too many times. I didn’t realize the statement would cause such a reaction. You’re a very earnest girl, Malori.”
“Th-Thank you…” it came out sounding like an embarrassed whimper. She cringed at it.
“Part of the reason I invited you was because I haven’t interacted with you very much,” he explained, leaning forward to rest his chin on the back of his hand. “I’d like to know you better, so to speak.”
She furrowed her brow. Was this a ploy? Did he figure out about her magic from Colette, and now wanted to press her for information? Colette had told her that he was excellent at reading people, and very shrewd when it came to politics. Surely those types of skills could apply here? There were plenty of reasons to want to even without knowing of her magic. Her group had defeated a dragon. While down a member no less. It had certainly piqued King Gertrud’s interest. Malori suspected if it weren’t for how busy the monarch was, she’d have already been questioned.
Ivar’s emotions told a different story though. It was usually difficult to tell when someone was lying based purely off of their emotions and facial expressions, especially when they were clearly good at it. There was a sense of curiosity and calm that radiated off of him that made it hard to picture it as some form of deception. He knew how espers functioned, so it wouldn’t be the most outlandish development for him to know how to trick those senses. There was something so hard to shake about it though.
“Um, i-if I may ask, why might that be?”
He took another sip from his cup, his polite smile never leaving his expression. “Well, the fact that my sister has taken to you so much could be a reason on its own, but it’s more the timing of it than anything.”
She tilted her head. “The timing?”
Ivar nodded. “It would be a lie to say that my goals when accepting you into the castle and sending your friends to reach were anything but selfish. What I didn’t expect was Colette’s reaction. You’re aware of Colette’s grandmother, correct?”
“Th-The previous Archmage, right?”
“Correct. Colette worked herself to the bone to earn her place as Vivienne’s successor. You should have seen her when she was appointed. It was a level of excitement I don’t even have the words for, and most of my job is to talk,” he joked, swirling his tea. “Unfortunately, Vivienne passed away recently. It wasn’t exactly a surprise to anyone, even her, given her age. Even so, she and Colette were… close. Certainly closer than I am with my mother. After she died, Colette was different. Her smile not quite as wide, her laugh not quite as genuine. Like someone took a chisel and chipped away a piece of her.”
Malori stared into her tea. Even after seeing her with Adonis, she could hardly picture her as being sad or depressed. Something about the idea just didn’t compute. She didn’t want to see it. It had felt like her heart was being torn apart seeing her cry above the bookshop, and those tears were driven by relief and happiness. She couldn’t even imagine how painful it would be to see Colette in the state she found herself in so often. Colette didn’t deserve that.
“Then you showed up,” Ivar said fondly. Even without looking up, Malori could feel his eyes on her. “And it was like someone put that piece back, and then added a little bit more. This is the happiest I’ve seen her in months, Malori. Maybe we have different parents, but when I think about all I’ve been through with her, she’s my sister, through and through. I wanted to get to know you, yes, but more importantly, Malori, I wanted to thank you,” his smile was the most genuine she’d ever seen on him. It was soft, grateful, innocent, so many things she’d never thought of applying to Ivar. “Thank you for making my sister feel whole again.”
All she could manage was a weak rasp as she struggled for the right words. Was she actually responsible for all of that? Even the paranoid part of her brain screaming that this was a trap was silent.
“I-I can’t understand…” she forced out.
“Hm?” Ivar tilted his head thoughtfully. “Which part?”
“Um, th-the–” she stopped herself. She still couldn’t meet his eyes, instead letting her gaze shift around the different pastries and books. “I have, um, t-trouble with speaking, in these situations. So I apologize, i-it might take me a bit of time to find the right w-words. Even then, it might not make the most s-sense.”
“I’m a patient man,” he said, his voice kind. “Take all of the time you need. I’m sorry for interrupting.”
Her heart skipped a beat at the words. She hadn’t expected to be met with understanding. She felt herself sit up a little straighter. “I-I never had any sort of family, growing up. It was an o-orphanage, and I know I’ve read about places like that f-feeling like family…” she paused, fiddling with the hem of her skirt. Ivar waited for her to continue. “It didn’t. I won’t b-bore you with the details, but the people there, they weren’t very k-kind. Not to me, at least.
“I don’t know if I can understand the kind of p-pain Colette went through. I’ve never lost someone c-close to me. I haven’t even had anyone I could lose. Even the rest of my group, they’re–” she stopped, staring at her plate for a moment. They were what? “They have a… d-dynamic. But, no matter how badly I w-want it, it feels as though there isn’t space for me in it. I began traveling with them because it was a r-romantic… romantic and foolish notion. How many stories have you heard of p-people banding together to achieve a goal, and coming out the other side as f-friends? Sometimes more family than friend. I thought, maybe this was my ch-chance. A chance to stop feeling so l-lonely. I–” she choked on her words. It felt like a lump had grown in her throat, blocking any and all words from getting out. Panic coursed through her as she felt her eyes approach tears. No, not right now. Not in front of Ivar. She squeezed them shut.
“But nothing changed?” he offered gently, not commenting on the tears beginning to form in the girl’s eyes.
She nodded, taking a deep breath. In through her nose, out through her mouth. “Ingrid seemed like she was t-trying. She stuck up for me at times, t-tried to get Alice to treat me better. She approached me in the f-first place about being friends. I was so excited, it was the first time s-something like that had ever happened, and I dove into it without a second thought. I… I th-think that might have been a mistake.”
It was the first time she’d fully admitted it to herself, let alone out loud. The words were as heavy as boulders.
“When she and Alice admitted their f-feelings for each other, it was like she f-forgot about me. There was n-no more defense, no more of that t-tenderness and kindness. It was all directed to A-Alice. B-But when we came here, Colette did the same thing. I was scared at first, I was worried that the same thing was going to h-happen. She’d get tired of me, f-forget about me. I know I’m rambling, am I m-making sense so far?”
The Prince nodded. “Perfectly. I think I see where this is going, but it sounds like this is something you’ve needed to get off your chest for a while now. Don’t let me stop you.”
She took in another shaky breath. “But she… didn’t. She’s continued p-putting effort in, trusting me, making me feel s-safe. I never thought only a few weeks could feel like s-such a long time. I read her emotions when I tried not to with I-Ingrid or Alice at first, because I was scared. I thought that there would be s-something beneath the surface, that she’d just be l-lying to me, or attempting to manipulate me. The more time I spend with her, the more genuine she seems. You seem genuine. I know that y-you could be manipulating me too, and you both could just be hiding parts of your emotions to keep me from being able to tell, but I just–
“If you are using me, I-I don’t think I care. If things can stay like this, if I can keep feeling like this, then I’ll let both of you use me as much as you want. I just don’t want to go back to being that lonely, I can’t go back to that, I don’t think I could take it if I did, not after learning what it’s like to feel cared about and–”
She was interrupted by arms wrapping around her from behind. Her heart leapt into her throat in terror as the possibilities ran through her head. That fear was quickly assuaged by a gentle voice.
“Please, please don’t ever say things like that again, okay?” Colette begged.
Malori blinked, realizing that she had started crying at some point. “I–H-How long have you been here?” she choked.
“Since the bit about reading my emotions. Oh Malori…”
“I tried to inform you that she was here, but I’d already said I wouldn’t interrupt. My apologies,” Ivar said quietly.
“O-Oh…” Malori trailed off.
“Malori, I know that you have trouble believing me, and that you struggle with eye contact, but I want you to know that I mean what I am saying right now,” Colette stepped in front of Malori, gently rubbing her shoulders as she looked at her.
It was hard, but she managed to meet Colette’s eyes. Her heart skipped a beat at the raw emotion in her gaze. It was earnest, pained, pleading, a vortex of conflicting, very powerful feelings. Reading them made Malori’s head spin.
“I don’t know where exactly you came from, so I don’t know exactly what your life was like. But I want you to know that whoever it was that… that hurt you like this and made you feel this way, whether it was one person or multiple people, they were wrong,” her voice was firm, but not in an aggressive way. It wasn’t directed at Malori. “They were wrong to hurt you, wrong to make you feel like good things couldn’t happen to you, everything. It was wrong, and I will stand by that. No matter what happens, I will not budge on that simple fact. Alright?”
Ivar stood up, an amused smile on his face. “I believe this may get personal, so I’m going to bow out for now. Thank you for the conversation, Malori,” he didn’t wait for any sort of response as he exited his own study, leaving the pair of espers alone.
Malori’s gaze followed him as he left, lingering on the door as it drifted shut and his footsteps faded to silence. She stared at her lap. “...Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why be so… dedicated… to all of this. I just c-can’t understand it,” she whimpered. “I’m not worth this much effort, not when I’m this kind of person. I know you’d disagree with all of the things I f-feel about myself, that I’m j-just a waste, that I don’t deserve this kind of support–”
“You’re right, I do disagree with that. With every fiber of my being,” she said simply, pulling Ivar’s chair to sit down next to her. “I’m sorry for interrupting.”
“I-It’s fine,” Malori stammered, her words heavy with emotion. She was partially glad Ivar left. It was getting harder and harder to keep herself together. “I just–I’ve been lying to you, and I don’t like d-doing that. The closer you get to me, the m-more sick to my stomach I get.”
“Malori, if this is about your magic, I don’t hold that against you. You have your reasons. Regardless of what those may be, I trust you. I’m not going to go back on tha–”
“Colette, I’m Cordelian.”
The words came out before she processed them. Maybe that was for the best. If she thought for even half a second about them, she’d have known that they were a horrible idea that was liable to get her killed. Or kill her friends. Now that she thought about it, it was likely for the worst. The silence was deafening as Colette stared down at her, a look of shock on her face. Malori desperately wanted to say something, anything, but nothing came out. She was paralyzed, waiting for whatever judgment Colette was going to send her way.
However long the silence lasted, it was far too long. Finally, Colette was the one to break it.
“Oh.”