Rupert starred at Susan the assassin guild leader and sweated as Susan looked over the contract to kill Bob. Susan was wearing a silk black low cut dress that let little to the imagination but even her figure could not distract Rupert from the frown on her face. Susan looked at Rupert and at the contract. The sheer amount of gold listed on the contract should have Susan willing to kill her own children. Rupert noticed the hesitation on Susan's face and decided to give her a further push.
Before he could increase the offer Susan spoke out. “It can not be done. Bob skin is stronger than steel. There are records of goblins using crossbows to target his eyes and Bob blinked when the arrows struck. Do you want to guess what Bob did to the goblin crossbow users? I could stab him with my dagger all day long without leave a scratch on him. Unless you tie him up and stick burning coals up his ass he is not going to die from physical assault.
Which leaves poison. Do you know he eats poison on a regular basis. Do you remember Tex the Butcher of Bray? After Bob skinned his brother and father alive and tossed them in a hole with rats. He tried to poison Bob with silverweed. He put three drops in bob's beer. Bob drank the beer knowing it was poisoned found the waiter and ripped out his toe nails then slit his throat before tracking Tex down and nailing Tex to his saddle and for some reason tossing him in a well. My sources say he was going to lead the screaming Tex through the local village before slitting his throat but decided if he did that he might have to give Tex's horse back.
Finally we have magic and some of the more obscure skills. First off you can forget the touch of death skill. It has to be landed on a unsuspecting person and Bob must have a skill to detect any attacks. Besides given his monstrous vitality he would most likely not even notice the skill. Then we have other skills like animal control. Trying to have a swamp of rats eat Bob alive will not work it has been tried and it turns out Bob eats rats. As for magic forget it Bob is Bob and more than likely is immune to everything.”
Susan looked at the figure on the scroll again and sighed. “That is a lot of money but I just do not see any of the locals managing to kill Bob. If I sent for outside help say a couple of longbow men or maybe a sharpshooter with a military grade crossbow. Even if I go to the dark elves and get a poison and my outsider manages to penetrate bob's skin. I do not know what level of poison resistance he has or amulets on him that might cure him of all poisons.
So assuming Bob survives this is Bob not some kind of saint. He will respond and I like my toes and teeth where they are thank you very much. I can put you in touch with some cultists. Or the dark elves but this is Bob you are talking about even those insane death seeking maniacs of the death cults get spooked by Bob ”
Susan took a another look at the price on Bob's head shook her head “I am not going to try and kill someone who can scare even the death warriors of the death cults. How evil do you have to be to scare people who burn off their own balls and eat children alive because they have good energy. I just can not take the risk and neither will anyone else except as I mentioned the dark elves or maybe the death cults. So do you want to talk to women who enjoy cutting off parts of their male slaves and feeding it to them? Or do you want to talk to people who have been known to nail themselves naked too tree's because suffering is good for the soul? ”
Rupert swallowed “How about I pay you to talk to the dark elves your a female they will listen to you.” “No Bob has a reputation and the dark elves will sell me out rather than deal with a annoyed Bob. Your too much of a cheap ass to actually pay me enough to make it worth the risk. I will set up a meeting with both the dark elves and the death cultists and a couple of mercenaries I know that might be willing to do it. Or try and do it but Bob has a reputation so I can not go with my usual contacts as they have families.”
Susan looked up “One more thing do not contact any of my competitors seeing if they will take the job. Bob has standing contracts on anyone trying to put out a contract on him. I am betting most of the gold you have on that contract is coming from your friends. Your friends who do not want to try and hire a assassin and find themselves murdered.”
“What about the assassins code it forbids assassins telling who hired them.”
Susan laughed “First off your kidding right most of my assassins would sell you out for a drink. Secondly Bob contract is simple you get payment for killing anyone trying to hire a assassin to kill him. The contract says you get paid for killing them before payment is made. Of course most of the assassins will wait for the first part of the payment on Bob's life and kill the client trying to hire them to end Bob. They get half the clients gold and Bob's payment.
What do not look so shocked bob is using a loophole and using it well. Once the employer is dead the contract is void and you can keep the retainer. Now remember to hide your face from the ones you are planning to hire to kill Bob. Because Bob has a open contract out on those who take out contracts on him. ” Rupert swallowed thinking about offering Susan a big reward to go in his place until Susan voice let him know it was not happening “2 percent of the total contract whether they take the deal or not and I will take your place” Susan looking at Rupert knowing he would not pay grinned “I am not sure if I should be happy or sad you turned me down that is a lot of gold. I would say good luck but Bob is good for business he hates loose ends and pays for the entire family of his enemies”
A week later Rupert huddled in his cloak from the rain under a tree. Besides him was a massive hulking slab of muscles called Grunt. Grunt had a massive club and was wearing clothes made out of animal firs that had been sown together. Grunt looked on and began to pick his nose. Rupert cursed as Grunt burped and began to drink from a wine bottle. The smell from the bottle let Rupert know Grunt was probably drinking something that would cause him to go blind if he even sipped a little bit of it. Grunt pulled down his pants and began to urinate on the tree Rupert and he were under. Rupert turned away cursing the fact Susan wanted so much to attend this meeting instead of him.
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Grunt looked around and sniffing lifted up his pants before pulling out a sling. “Come out elves I can smell you.” From the darkness several female elves appeared wearing black leather that had slits that left little to the imagination. Grunt peered into the night and pointed “There are more over that way.” The elves pulled out crossbows from must have been a magical piece of storage equipment and slowly three hunters rose from the ground. Grunt spoke “There is still someone around.” Grunt began to sniff and shook his head “Hidden”
A bald man was suddenly next to Rupert just behind Grunt he looked amused. “Grunt was it not I am Otto my god is always looking for more followers” Grunt spat “I got enough of your kind when I hunting flame bears with a member of your kind. Who runs naked into a fire bear cave and sets the young on fire. They are flame bears they have flame resistance.”
Rupert eager to get out of the dark forest and away from the dark elves who were giving him coy looks spoke out. “I want to hire you to kill Bob the Butcher of slavers” Grunt spat on the ground again “Idiot those hunters are not capable of killing Bob and the elves are too scared. I doubt Otto is going to kill him either especially with the dark gods laws. Now we have to escape before they kill you.” One of the elves laughed “Foolish human I am Ivana a member of the noble dark elf race. Who are you to say we are too scared to try and kill any man?”
Grunt shrugged “I am the guy who helped him track down the elf eater spiders. Three weeks of them screaming in my head. Most of the others went insane all except Bob or as you call him his evil shadow a couple of the stronger dark elves one light elf and a few others.
When we reached the matriarch nest Bob went in alone and came out with the heads of the matriarch giant spider. By the end most of us were ready to kill ourselves from the constant screaming spells the spiders used but not Bob. He slept like a baby ignored all the spells screaming in his ear. Even the one of the death cult monks could not take it and left but not Bob. As for that thing that happened later that was one of Otto's guys Bob captured a couple of the giant spiders alive and they had a contest to see who could do the worst torture to it.”
Pulling out his wine flask Grunt took a deep swig “Alright if any of you are actually thinking of taking the offer let me know. Otherwise I will rip Rupert's head off and go collect the reward.” Rupert paled “Wait wait we have a contract.”
Grunt chuckled “And your a lawyer. Our contract gives me 2 silver to take you to this meeting and 2 silver when we get back. There is no clause to say if you do not turn up I face a penalty. Losing out on 2 silver coins whatever will I do? You skimped out on paying a bodyguard.”
Grunt looked at the death priest and the dark elves. “Listen Bob pays for information on people who try and kill him. So do you trust the others not to rat you out? If you do we can let this fine gentleman go.”
One of the hunters their leader spoke up “So we split Bob's reward into 4?” Grunt chuckled and dropping his club pulled out a small axe. With one swing it took Rupert head off “I think I should take it all.” Grunt looked at the dead Rupert. “I will take the head and leave you what is on him.” Otto moved forward. “I will leave what is on him to the hunters. Instead of gold or silver I would like a question answered Grunt do you think a assassin would be able to sneak up and kill Bob? ”
“You want to try it? Bob has a army with him and is even now repairing a castle for him to live in. Bob hates nobles so none of your fancy noble assassins will be able to get near him to poison him. Bob is a paranoid person so I bet he stays in his big castle grows his own food and waits until he has a army before venturing out and killing all the current human rulers. If you had a army you could try and lure Bob's army out and fight them but Bob borrowed the paladins army so you better bring a powerful force. Then you better have good trackers because Bob will make a run for it if things do not go his way.
Attacking a paladin of light is one thing. They will not target your family. They will not hire a necromancer to bring you back from the dead as a undead so they can bury you in a grave. They will not and Bob actually did this burn a entire village of elves alive because one of their lords looked at his sister the wrong way. You know that village of light elves Greendale that went up in smoke that was Bob. The local lord looked at his sister the wrong way and Bob slit his throat and burnt down the village to hide what he did.”
Otto looked up “Wait the local lord of Greendale hired a couple of us to kill a human woman and her child. If the lord used his position to abduct woman then what Bob did was a great service." Grunt spat on the ground “It does not matter even for looking at his sister Bob burnt him and his entire village to the ground. I saw the bones.” Otto shrugged “Well Bob might have known something you do not. Maybe the elf lord marked his sister”
Otto seemed to think about it “No Bob possibly knew about the lord had a bad reputation and ended him.”
Grunt shrugged “I doubt that Bob had heard stories he was always a burn them all alive just in case kind of guy. You know we got him drunk once. It was horrible he got mean. It turns out he is a mean drunk. Somehow he got more evil and starting asking us if we wanted to head out and have some fun. That is when we started to feel it a sense of dread. As Bob got more and more drunk we all started to feel there was something wrong with him. It was as if Bob had stopped hiding his true nature.”
A tear rolled down Grunt face “Bob went out to find more booze with Charlie and Jake. The next day they were found dead they killed themselves. We found Bob in a pile of ash that used to be a bandit hideout.” Grunt face turned pale “Bob woke up and looked around at the corpses of the bandits and slaves and asked us what was for breakfast. He did not realise what had happened but we did. Bob and Charlie and Jake raided the bandit camp and killed everyone. Then Bob passed out and Charlie and Jake realised what they had done killed themselves. ”
Otto stared at Grunt “They killed themselves over killing a few bandits” “Not the bandits the prisoners the bandits were holding for ransom.” Grunt starred at Otto “Just remember if you try and kill Bob and fail you would get more mercy from a devil than Bob. That is if Bob is human and not a arch devil already.”