“Five years your saying this Bob has not paid me his rightful Lord taxes in five years and now he is claiming my lands are his under squatters rights?” Lord Dunston was a fat balding man whose face was turning red with rage. Jeffery his overseer nodded “Its just no one has been brave enough to ask him for rent since Lord Donald died due to the dragon attack.”

Dunston was not too much of a fool and simply glared at Jeffery. “What did Bob have to do with that?” “Well it was rumoured that Bob bought a anchor for a ship and some metal chain before the attack. He was seen brewing a barrel of laxative. So well what we think happened is Donald paid the dragon Steel Jaw to pretend to attack him not knowing Bob had feed him enough laxative to kill a small country.”

A look of horror appeared on Lord Dunston's face. “Wait so it was not dragon flame that killed Lord Donald but dragon excrement?” “20 Tons of flying dragon who had just eaten a couple of cows and a few dozen pigs. Releasing a stream of well. Best not to mention it in polite company. You know what happened next Lord Donald and his keep were burnt. The very walls melted by the extreme heat and everyone in a quarter mile of the keep dead of the toxic gas. The green gas was so horrific several of the local villages cut off their own noses.”

Dunston looked at Jeffery “So why was this Bob not killed?” “The thing is sir he has a farmer class or did. You get bonus experience for killing something that could kill you by sneezing on you. Then you get more experience for being a farmer. After Bob found the his chain which was still hanging out of the dragons ass he tied it to a tree and cut the tree down before rolling it down part of the dragons mountain. It was a solo kill of a legendary dragon by a level 2 farmer. Given how he killed the dragon no one wanted to disturb someone who would feed a dragon a anchor and chain and then pull the anchor out of its ass. It was actual lucky for us that we did not annoy him given what he did next.”

Jeffery pulled out a ledger with wanted posters. All of them showed a slightly grumpy man with black hair and a scowl on his face. “First off its this one apparently someone sneaked into several goblin camps and released some slimes. The same night someone put poison in one of there wells. While they were busy fighting off the disease the slimes attacked. Apparently the slimes were ones feed dragon blood when they were young and exploded when killed. Someone with a bow used it to shoot at any goblins that were putting out the fires or fighting the slimes. Any goblin who survived would almost certainly die from the poison. 15 goblin villages were dealt with like this over a weeks time. There were 4 orc camps which were also destroyed. Technically we had a peace treaty with the goblin and Orcs at the time so a bounty was issued of a copper coin.”

Jeffery pulled out another poster “Wanted for 19 cases of murder. The Orc chief Whitefist had a number of human and dwarf slaves in his mines. Bob attacked the mine killed the orc guarding the entrance to the mine and then burnt the support beams of the mine. The orcs came to rescue the orc miners and Bob took the chance to rob some cattle. When the orc's finally managed to re open the mine they found slimes. Acid slimes to be exact which had begun to eat the wooden support beams. Do you want me to go on murder, arson, murder mass, murder, banditry, desecration of a holy alter. There is a massive bounty on his head from several cults and the necromancer guild. ”

Dunston looked at Jeffery “Have you taken enough drugs to make you think your horse is sexy and written out these wanted posters? They can not be real look at this one suspected of ripping a safe of a casino out of a wall and running away with it. Or this one wanted for breaking into a slave market and tossing all the slavers into a pit full of horny pigs. Who does that sort of thing and actually lives?”

“Sir he used the dragons blood to give him the steel skin trait. You can literally fire a arrow at him and will not notice it hitting him this has happened. Do you remember that troll that has been around for 30 or so years old Clobber. He ran into it one night when he was drunk and bit its arm off. He bit a trolls arm off. Its arm weighted more than he does and he bit it off. I saw him once pull a metal bar out of a blacksmiths forge and I swear to you drink it.” Dunston snorted but then remembered the smelly man who had walked up to Lord Michael and kicked him so hard in the balls he had flown twenty feet into the air. The memory of the red stain between Lord Michael's legs and the horrible way his head was twisted was vivid in his mind. The person in the wanted posters looked a lot like the ball crushing demon“Why did you not tell me why did we not send Sir Perryville down with his knights to deal with this upstart?”

“He is smart sir very smart. The rumour is he has a mystic level sub class. Most people get a sub class like that they head down to the local pub for a month. Not Bob he headed to the goblin villages to level up and then when he was strong enough attacked the orcs. He stole a couple of hundred cattle you know how many he brought home with him 3. The rest he gave away to the freemen farmers. It is not normal. People who gain traits like Iron skin should get drunk and be drowned to death by thieves

Then there is the dragon what dragon does not have a hoard. A normal person gets that kind of wealth they head to the local brothel and then one night a couple of thugs break there legs and beat the location of their gold out of them. But not Bob he gives the entire hoard away to the paladins. Then he makes a vow he gave the entire hoard to the gods. The high priestess confirmed it not a copper coin did he keep from the hoard.

That was really smart I have seen what greed does to the villagers. Now instead of a mark he is a pious man the churches will protect. You need to deal with this with tact. Its only a small stretch of land. So lets just give it to him.”

Dunston swallowed seeing a wanted poster of Bob for the murder of Lord Michael. The image of Michael being kicked in the balls and the blood stain from what remained of his balls shook him. Dunston swallowed “Let him keep the land and then hire a couple of assassins to kill him. ” Jeffery swallowed “Sir there were several attempts made to kill Bob it did not end well. Several dozen of the families of the would be assassins were found horribly murdered and someone feed lady Grey that laxative just before she was about to get married. The rumour is Bob was the one who tossed her off that roof ”

Bob was a farmer who hated farming. He hated getting up early he hated his stupid sheep he hated the small rocky fields his father had rented for 50 percent of its annual yield. Not that Bob paid taxes any more. Burying the last three tax collectors who came around alive in a bog tended to stop anyone else suggesting you owed them rent. Bob particularly hated his lord Dunston. Dunston had a fancy horse and did not have to deal with the sheep that wandered off into goblin territory. Dunston did not have to get up before the sun rose to feed a few scrawny chickens. Dunston did not have bunions on his feet or a lair of skin so thick you could accidentality stand on a fire and not notice it.

Bob might hate Dunston but when a letter came saying he had a legal right to all of Dunston Lands and property. Bob knew something was fishy. Dunston was a noble the letter came from nobles why would they want Bob to take Dunston lands. Some people might say Bob was a hero mostly people who heard he gave away cattle and had not even taken a gold coin from a dragons hoard which he had donated to help the paladins fight the undead. Anyone who thought Bob was a good person was a idiot who had not seen the devastation he had left behind.

Bob had taken one look at the dragons hoard and realised that if his neighbours had such a massive fortune he would be the first to slit their throats in the middle of the night to steal it. He had given the cattle away because he did not have enough land to feed them all. By giving them away he made a good impression with the free farmers. Not one of Bob's neighbours had received a cow. This was because most of them were serfs and fairly much owned by Dunston who could have demanded the cows from them. It was also because Bob did not want anyone selling cheaper milk than him in the local area.

Starring at the Letter again Bob decided to find out what was going on. The priestess Flow was related to Dunston but while she might have been a Priestess sworn to obey the gods in all things the gods were far away and Bob and his belt was close by. She would tell him what he wanted to know or he would strip her naked and tie her to a post until she told him what he wanted to know.

Bob face almost always had a scowl. The local village guard Hector had learned quickly that Bob scowl went away when he was happy or about to horribly main someone. Bob did not look happy and was not scowling so seeing Bob approach the single church in the village Hector decided to spend the rest of the day fishing. Bob walked into the church checking for thunder clouds. Bob did not know much about the gods but he had done horrible things to a lot of goblins and vaguely felt if there were actually gods of justice around they might want to punish him.

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Bob glad that another bolt of lightening did not hit him entered the church and glared at the Priestess Flow who looked like she wanted to shit herself. Bob's voice was like deaths. “Everyone except Flow get out.” The three old ladies and one old man fled as Flow pulled herself up and spoke “I am a high priestess of all the human gods of light and righteous. Their divine power and authority flows through me who are you to dare challenge the might of the gods. For ten thousand years slaves like you have begged to serve your betters. Who are you to come in here and make a fuss.”

“I am Bob” The temple seemed to get darker and the air colder as Bob spoke. The air of menace in Bob's face caused Flow to take a step backwards afraid. Bob pulled out a pliers and a wanted poster with his name on it and looked at Flow. “I am Bob so tell me why I received this letter about taking over your nephew Dunston lands or you can join Lady Grey in her coffin.” The church seemed to get darker as Bob's eyes seemed to get darker.

Flow swallowed “It must be because of the taxes. Lord Dunston owes the king 20 trained men and 2 knights for a months worth of service a year. He has not paid in the last five years. My nephew must have annoyed someone. We can get this straightened up instead of military service he can pay a mercenary band to do his owed service. ” Bob looked at Flow “So this document is real?” “Of course it is real your being used as a method to get my nephew Dunston to pay up faster.”

Bob blinked and read the note again. Apparently Lord Dunston had 2 months from the time of receiving the note to make payments to the king in gold or men of arms otherwise Bob would be given his lands under the condition he protected them and rendered military service to the king. Bob re read the note and headed off to see the local guard Hector. Hector had gone home telling everyone he had a stomach ache. Bob headed to Hector hut and kicked the door in with a single kick. Hector looked up his face pale with terror “I swear Bob I will do anything you want. Just do not kill me.”

A smile appeared on Bob's face “Sorry about the door I guess I forgot about my enhanced strength from my hunter class. Now Hector I have here a tax lean on Dunston property I want you to come up and put Dunston under arrest until he can pay the lean. Bring your cuffs” Hector swallowed and read the tax bill“Lord Dunston has that kind of gold in his petty cash. He will pay you and you will have another enemy. So why are you doing this? ”

A smile appeared on Bob's face that looked demonic “You bring Dunston down to be processed and I will seal off his house. We can not have Lord Dunston destroying any evidence after all” Hector face turned from pale to white. “Your going to steal his gold and then have him tossed into debtors prison so you can steal his land” “Hector nothing could be further from the truth. I am a decent and what is the word honest farmer. What would I know of such dark matters as that.”

A knot appeared in Hectors stomach. Dunston was a noble and they stuck together. When word was sent around he helped Bob throw a noble into jail and steal from one of the chosen his life would be over. If Dunston regained his position he would be fired and more than likely framed for something bad enough to get him killed. He looked around desperately trying to find a way out. Bob's dark eyes seemed to swallow him as Bob grinned “What is the difference between stealing a chest of gold or a copper coin? They will hang you from the neck for stealing either. Of course if you steal a copper coin and get away with it you have to do it again the next day. Steal a chest of gold and you get to live the rest of your life in luxury.”

Hector swallowed “They will kill me for helping you” “Good thing for me your more afraid of me then them.” Hector desperately looked around and spotted his sword Bob was unarmed “I have a sword you do not. Why do we not forget the whole thing. Dunston is not the worst lord. He might be a little full of himself with that whole we are going to take land from the goblins but he did reduce taxes.” Bob snorted “You mean he borrowed money so he could bring his friends out to brothels and then realising his slaves had no gold borrowed more. I remember when the tax men came around to let us know that we had to pay a defence levy. The old lady Mary the tax men kicked her out of her house and tossed her into a ditch. My dad's eyes lit up because old Lady Mary's farm was not doing so well. Now that old lady used to toss rocks at me if I went near her apple tree but she did not deserve my dad slitting her throat for her few belongings ”

A lump formed in Hector throat “Wait your dad did what?” “Relax she paid him to do it. She was old and barely scrapped by having some of the handy men look after her small farm. She also made clothes but with no loom how was she suppose to make a living? She came to my dad for a quick end to her life rather than starve.”

Bob looked at Hector “You know it was a dragon that started me on my way to the top. Do you think I actually wanted to kill it? That one day I just got up decided to punch a mountain until it was a lake and then eat my dinner of boiling metal. Then go off and rip the sun out of the sky before killing a dragon for supper? It was a dragon a flying fire breathing city killer. I was a level 2 farmer who sometimes hunted squirrels. What you think I woke up one day and decided lets go kill something that can kill me by farting on me. True story when I was killing the dragon it was in too much pain to move but it farted and only that there was a chain blocking its ass saved me. I killed the dragon because I had too.”

Hector swallowed “What about all the goblins you killed? Was that because you had too?” “No that was me I had just had to give away the dragons hoard. There are skills that let you know if you give all of a reward to the church. If I had kept a single copper coin or even a piece of broken pottery from that hoard the skill would not have registered me as having giving it all. There I was sitting on a mound of gold and jewels and I had to give them away to survive. I was crazy angry and looking to hurt someone. So I decided I decided to get a couple of sub class levels that gives me enough strength that I do not have to worry about thieves slitting my throat in the night. It turns out levelling a mystic class even a mystic sub class takes a lot more experience than you would imagine. ”

Hector paled “you killed over 10000 goblins for a couple of levels.” “Not couple one level like I said its a mystic level sub class. Luckily the poison I feed the boar monsters counted towards my experience. I managed to get to level 2 in my sub class after I put down a couple of wagons of poison in the local lake. Of course I did not know about the side effects. You know I got a title you are Bob it has insane effects”

The air seemed to darken “My title causes intimidation. Great if your a warrior you get to look at the enemy and there is a chance they will die of fright. In a battle all your soldiers will listen to you and the enemy will cower in fright. I bet even now Flow is too scared to go warn Lord Dunston about me and the questions I asked her. Dunston soldiers will more than likely be too scared to stand up to me so I will be able to walk in the front gate and take the castle.

It is a great title right? Helps you out conqour everything and no one will even try and stop you. Well it has one problem I tried to go to a strip club and the girls fainted. I walked into a inn with a hooker and she ran up the stairs and threw herself off the roof while screaming do not beat me. Turns out if I try to arrange a marriage my bride to be suddenly starts to have nightmares. So what I need is a paladin bride. It turns out some kinds of paladins are immune to my title”

Bob eyes glowed “So I need a female non lesbian paladin of the gods of light to marry me. Now here is the kicker she has to be high level because my title is apparently one of very best. So out of every 10 knights one is a paladin. Out of every 20 paladins one is a female. I had a mage cast a spell there are 5 paladins of light of high enough level for me to marry in the local area. 3 are Lesbians 1 is happily married and the last looks like a rhino sweats a lot and once bit someone ear off for asking if she was ok because she was eating a chicken bones and all.

So what do you do when you find out you have no suitable marriage partners and no female will ever touch your hand willingly? Well I was not going to stay un touched for life. I certainly was not going to kill myself. What I did was simple found a loop hole. Any priestess with combat training can change their class to paladin. ”

The air seemed to darken “So listen Hector. I need to get a priestess to agree to change class and marry me. That means I need to promise her things like for instance say I was lord of a territory. I could build her a church and being married to a lord would allow her to level up easily with all the gold I could pour into her skill training. So if you try and stop me the last thing you will do is try and beg to be put out of your misery. I say try here because I will have cut off your tongue at this stage and be pouring healing potions on the stumps you used to call fingers. I am I can make you last for weeks begging for a end which when it finally comes will herald the beginning of a worse nightmare. I have skills that I can use to torture even the dead ”

Hector desperately began to think as Bob dragged him towards the small keep lord Dunston owned. Bob strode forward looking at anyone who came near. Hector watched as the villagers paled and either ran away or stood their like statues. They reached the keep to find 2 massive dogs their path. Bob looked hard at the dogs one of the dogs crapped itself the other turned around and ran for it. Bob sighed “I had a dog for three whole weeks before it died one night when I flexed my title”

Hector tried thinking of anything he could say to get Bob to change his mind. How do you persuade someone that not being able to have sex ever again is a good thing. Hector racked his brain thinking of how the lord had gotten him to hand over his extra taxes. He had told them they would attack the goblins who were stealing from them and reclaim there property. Given the average goblin had a pointy stick and a smelly loin cloth no one wanted except another goblin Hector wondered what he had been thinking getting excited. It was definitely a idea worth thinking about if Lord Dunston could do it he could as well. Now what had Lord Dunston said?

Hector was still getting ready to talk Bob down when they he realised he was in Dunston office. The smile on Bob face was chilling. Dunston began to talk “I am lord Dunston your better . How dare you enter my study room you worm slave” bob hand lashed out and he slapped Dunston. As Lord Dunston turned in mid air and several of his teeth struck the nearby wall. Bob looked down at the unconscious Dunston and turned to Hector. “I will not ask you to kick him today. But I will ask you to do it before I send him off to pay off his debts. Your free not to kick him of course but if you do not at least break a couple of his bones I will have to fire you.”

Bob sighed “You know if you want to give him a kick now I will pay you to look over a couple of his books and letters. I do not want to have to look into fat boys financial records alone” Hector shook his head and Bob nodded “Fair enough you can wait until you know which way the winds blowing. But bear in mind if it was today where I managed to get my hands on a dragon hoard I would be keeping all of that gold for myself. I am a lot stronger than I was.”