Meanwhile, a short distance away...

“Is that the friend you arrived in the city with?” Rava, the rogue they’d hired, pointed to the back of the elf doing squats over a giant mantis.

[https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/949515587766329405/1038925091091791982/SPOILER_Rava.jpg]

“The only person I’ve seen around here with hair that red is Samalrune,” Kimmi muttered. Her face twisted into a mask of utter confusion.

“What is he doing?!” Bradvin said.

Olin, the new dwarf cleric, chuckled. “He appears to be humiliating his downed enemy.”

[https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/949515587766329405/1038925090806583417/SPOILER_Olin_Grelwater.jpg]

“That’s not like Samalrune! That’s not like him at all,” Kimmi said.

Dos put his hand on Bradvin’s shoulder. “I think you broke him.”

“We all broke him.” Kimmi glared at the two. “Would it have been that hard to let him down easily? Especially after he discovered his destiny.”

Bradvin rolled his eyes. “It’s not like we hadn’t planned on helping him find a party more his speed since the beginning. He now has a time limit on his life, and if we want to pass our own tests, we have to hurry up and level. I made the hard but necessary call to cut him off immediately. This way, he can make his own plans right away.” He grimaced. “Though, I thought he’d go back home... I didn’t think he’d go crazy.”

“You don’t have to put it like that,” Kimmi said.

Bradvin raised an eyebrow. “He’s always been mediocre. He’s never been the best with archery, he’s flubbed more spells than I can count, and while swordsmanship is excellent, he’s never been as fast as he needs to be to utilize it effectively. I doubt his mediocrity will change just because he’s a tank now.”

“While you definitely didn’t make a mistake, choosing me over him to be your tank,” Dos said, raising an eyebrow at the two elves, “I think you’re all forgetting something.”

They glanced at Dos with question marks in their eyes.

“While we’ve seen him practice the DPS designation, we’ve never seen him as a tank.”

Bradvin scoffed. “I adore the man, but I’m sure he’ll be just as mediocre, regardless of designation.”

“And yet, you’re all forgetting one of the most important aspects of being a tank. Defending.”

Everyone stood there quietly for a second. When Sam waved his hips from side to side, they awkwardly looked away.

“If there is one thing Samalrune does well, even despite us telling him not to get involved, it’s that he defends people. While he may not have the perfect size to be a tank, he certainly has the perfect mindset. It’s possible that we just haven’t seen him given a chance to succeed.”

“Respectfully, I understand your opinion. But you need to remember that he’s never learned how to use a shield.”

“...”

Dos cleared his throat. “I will light a candle for him in the AllChurch on his birthday.”

[https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/949515587766329405/1038925089745424524/SPOILER_Dos.jpg]

Out in the distance, a high-pitched yell echoed through the forest as the red headed elf bent double and clutched his groin.

“Oof.” Olin cringed and said, “I hope he brought some extra pants.”

***

Warning: Image of Sam's reaction after he gets hit in the balls

[https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/949515587766329405/1038925090366173244/SPOILER_Hit_in_Balls_copy_3.jpg]

Pain made it hard to think. At least everything was physically still there — even my pants. I’d checked.

“Hey, did you make sure to use Cover Body?” Kron said.

“Of course!” I said through clenched teeth. That only protected me. It didn’t get rid of all the pain. “Now heal me!”

Magic rose from beneath the golem, and a spell formation appeared around his hand. He threw it at my injured groin like a baseball. Cool and soothing blue magic ended my pain. Even the residual effects normally associated with getting hit in the balls vanished.

As for the psychological effect, that was still there.

A pink blur shot forward and stabbed the mantis in its neck joint. With a jerk, the triangle head fell right off and plopped onto the forest floor. The catfolk quickly threw it into his inventory.

Ding-a-ling-ya-dong!

Congratulations!

Through hardships unknown, and balls turned literally blue — you have gone up a level! You have one attribute point to assign.

We’d done it!

I shared a quick high five with Murr and Kron, who both looked just as excited.

Kron’s eyes turned unfocused. He was likely adding his stat to his Mind Attribute.

The Goddess of Intelligence thanks you for finding a bug in her system! Your Boon has been updated with new information.

  - You now have to take the hit in an active battle.

What?!

As a reward for finding a bug, the Divine Twin Swords of Blood and Honor have been added to your inventory.

So not only did I never have to teabag someone again, but I also received new swords?

Yes! Hell yes, I’ll take it!

This left me with an issue of how I was going to get my enemies to attack me down there, but I had time to figure that out. Frankly, if I’d had to earn every level by squatting over a downed monster, I’d die of embarrassment before I died from my Destiny Test.

I went into my character sheet. Since there were only two attributes in this system, Body and Mind, it made it easy to decide. I bumped up my Body to 23.

I’d honestly prefer a more complex system like in the games I played during my past life. The attribute points in my reality didn’t level someone up unnaturally like the ones in those games… okay, it did if by ‘unnaturally’ I meant giving them strength and speed beyond the human peak. What the system did was to take into account the person’s species, body type and genetics.

For example, a golem with a 17 body could still lift more weight than an elf with a 20 body. But that same elf would be able to run circles around that golem.

Things like this were why Golems still made the best tanks, Orcs made the best Fighter DPS, Elves made the best archers or mages, Dwarves made the best clerics, and Catfolk made the best rogues.

That wasn’t to say there weren’t amazing Catfolk mages or Golem archers. It was just that each species had things their body structure made them superb at.

Unfortunately, this meant that as a thin, lithe elf, I just might make the worst tank.

There was a concept that tickled the back of my mind. Something from my past life in the games I’d played? Maybe in a book I read? Ugh. I couldn’t remember.

Well, I was sure it would come to me eventually. I had more important things to do. Like, look at my new weapons!

I replaced my current swords with my new ones. These two were both the similar style but one glinted with blue and the other radiated a dark crimson color.

I checked out their weight and properties.

Twin Swords of Blood and Honor - Soulbound - Deep in the fires of the God’s Forge, a godly apprentice smith created these swords on a whim with leftover materials. He thought they’d make good toothpicks and gave them to the Goddess of Intelligence as a gift.

They start out with rank K damage and will rank up with the Soulbound owner.

These swords are a pair and must be used together.

Did… she just re-gift me something? And something she was going to use as a toothpick? What the hell?

Still, they were very nice and well balanced.

Now that I thought about it, the goddess had been enormous. Maybe her toothpick was a mortal’s epic sword?

“Why are you so happy?”

I glanced up to see a pink head and a mischievous grin way too close to me.

“Gah!”

I took a step back.

If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

Quickly, I explained to them about the bug and the swords I received as a reward.

“Are they good swords?”

I nodded. “See for yourself.”

Once they had a copy of the description, Murr looked at it while stroking his chin. Kron, however, frowned.

“These swords have to be used as a pair.”

“I know.”

“Did you forget that you’re a tank now?”

I looked at him like he was crazy. “Would I be out here trying to get hit in the balls if I had?”

“Tanks use shields. They’ve always used shields.”

“Wait… wait.” Murr held up his hand and practically doubled over while laughing. “You… got all excited about swords you’re never going to use?” Murr wheezed. “Not only did you get a really good way of gaining an easy level taken away from you, but you also got a pair of useless swords.”

[https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/949515587766329405/1038925091414749294/SPOILER_Shocked_pikachu_face_2_copy.jpg]

Once I finished being shocked, I stared at my swords and firmed my jaw. “Why can’t I be a tank that uses two swords, huh?”

Then I stared them down.

They blinked.

“I haven’t been trained to use a shield anyway, and learning at this point would be difficult.”

Kron grimaced. “No. A tank always uses a shield. There is no way around it. You’re just going to have to catch up.” He gave me a sympathetic look. “I think I can get my mother to help train you.”

I scowled. “It takes years to master shield work. And I don’t have that time.”

“At least spend a day trying it. Maybe your destiny showed that you were a tank because you have a supernatural ability to learn it?”

A brown blur dropped from the trees right above Kron’s head. Using both my new swords, I batted the falling mantis away before it hit our healer.

It slammed against the trunk of a nearby tree. That must have sent a chain reaction through the small area of forest we were in, because three more dropped from the surrounding canopy.

Then I stepped between Kron and the closest bug.

The healer took out his dagger and grimaced. “It figured that disturbing the trunks would cause the bugs to fall.”

“My bad. I forgot to mention that,” Murr said.

“Well, have any of those smoke screens left?”

“Yeah, but they don’t work like that. You leveled right?” The catfolk pointed out. “You can take them.”

“You didn’t level?”

“I think I might need a few more than just one of these guys. I am close, though.”

The monsters crept closer on their four insect legs. I grimaced. “I don’t think we have much of a choice. We have to fight them.”

The closest mantis jumped toward me. I attacked its arm joint with one hand, then the same one from the other side. It snapped apart like a cooked crab. That was enough to do significant damage, but it was still going.

It was like it didn’t care if it lost a limb or two as long as it killed me. The glare in its eyes brought home the fact that these were alien monsters from another plane of existence, not fluffy bunnies or even helpful bugs. These creatures hated us down to their very existence and would do anything to murder us.

There was no sympathy here. At least, not between adventurers and monsters.

But I couldn’t worry about only this one. I had three others coming from not too far away. There had to be a way to keep them off my healer and DPS. What I needed was a taunt.

“Hey! You ugly branch-looking bugs! Over here!”

And… nothing.

“Uh-huh, because the bugs can understand you,” Murr said sarcastically, then used his slingshot to shoot out a green ball. When it landed, viridian smoke poofed out around the stick legs of two leaf colored mobs. The powder enveloped them, similar to how it took down the rogues.

Kron sent a spell over to the remaining one, which brought its attention to him.

Damn, we were all over the place. How could I help direct this fight?

No, there had to be some kind of trick to a taunt. Maybe, making my aura really loud and menacing?

A blur curved toward my head. I leaned out of the way, then it lifted high in the air to come down at me from above.

I rolled out of the way of the mantis’ remaining scythe.

At the very least, I had to take out this guy before the other mantis reached Kron.

Murr was insane, taking on two of the bugs at once by attacking them and running away — using his speed to his advantage.

Before getting up fully, I attacked the bug’s legs, causing it to topple over. Before it could scramble back up, I cut its head off with Blood, which was what I assumed my red sword was named. Its head toppled over and I sent the whole body into my inventory.

One down. Three to go.

I turned just in time to see Kron block a scythe with his knife and duck under a second. One blade landed on his shoulder, digging into his terracotta outer protection and exposing the blue-glowing metal underneath. The golem gritted his teeth. He threw a spell at the monster’s eyes. It backed up a few paces, but that didn’t stop it.

I had been planning to attack it, but seeing how it had just gotten in a good hit, I instead barreled into the mantis, bringing us both to the ground. Its scythes scratched against my armor, causing me to feel small blades of aura slice into my internals. Shit.

Fortunately, Kron hadn’t been standing still. He stabbed his knife down into its neck joint, killing it. Then he cast a heal on each of us.

Two more to go. Murr had kept them entertained by shooting strange shot after normal shot into the group of two with his slingshot. This kept them at a distance as he darted all over the place. Even I thought the catfolk was fast for his level, and I’d seen the speed of Elven archers!

In one blur of a move, he sliced off both of their triangle heads.

“Is that it?” I asked.

Two more dropped from a nearby canopy. They started to bob and weave their way towards us.

“Hey, Sam! Why don’t you try to level again?”

Already?! “You just want to see me get hit in the groin again.”

“I’ve already reached level 2!”

So if I didn’t level above him, would Mr. Pink over there really not tell me how he came to have his boon?

“I can live without knowing how you got your boon.”

He snickered.

Okay, think. How to get these two to focus on me...

Aura skills were normally something people created in battle. There had to be a way to make a taunt like I saw in the games from my past life. A tank without a taunt wasn’t much of a tank.

A figurative lightbulb went off in my head and a stupid idea appeared.

Eh, whatever. The worst that could happen is I get laughed at.

I rotated a small portion of my aura in front of my mouth, creating a cone. “HEY! INSECTS! EVEN YOUR MOTHER CAN’T LOVE YOU!”

Their faceted eyes slowly turned red as they creepily turned toward me. They jumped forward using their four thin legs.

Congratulations! You’ve created an Aura Taunt!

Come At Me Bro! - Rank K - Even though monsters can’t understand you, they can tell from your tone of voice and aura that you’re insulting their mother and are not happy.

  - For the next minute, all nearby enemies will focus their attacks on you.

The window automatically turned translucent as the two mobs simultaneously sliced their natural blades towards me. I jumped back just barely in time to dodge them.

They tried to cut my head off while I redirected their attacks towards each other.

“If you can direct their attacks like that,” Murr cut into my concentration, “Why don’t you just direct them into your balls?”

“What?!”

A scythe slammed into my armor with the full force of the bug’s aura. It pushed me back several feet. My feet left a trail of disturbed dirt along the forest floor before I barely stopped myself from slamming into another tree trunk. My heart thudded. That was close! We did not need more of these things literally raining down on us.

But Murr was right. I could direct their attacks towards my groin. It would be perfect. Except not.

I groaned. I couldn’t believe I was going to do this.

I hardened my eyes on the two mantises and saw levels instead of monsters.

“Kron! You better be ready with a heal!”

“Prepping it!”

“And I’m ready to finish them,” the rogue said.

I ran back up to the two.

This was going to suck. This was going to suck sooo hard.

I made doubly sure I used Cover Body around my groin area.

They went in for the head slice. Too predictable. I caught two of their arms between my swords and directed them down towards my groin area... and jumped back.

“Bahahaha!” Murr laughed.

“Yeah, see if you can do better when it’s your nuts involved,” I had enough time to say before they tried to slam their arms into my mouth. I dunked out of the way.

“Ha! I’m not a masochist.”

“Neither am I!” With an aura enhanced leg, I kicked one of them into the other. They both skidded back several yards.

“Come on. Do it!” Murr coaxed like a devil. “The bugs aren’t going to attack your junk themselves.”

“Fuck you!” I said.

“Even if you don’t get castrated, that’s not happening.”

“Get your levels,” Kron said. “We’ve got your back! Even if the worst happens, I can fix it.”

“You’re not helping!”

I’d been thinking about this too simply. I mean, what sane person that wasn’t drugged up on bath salts had the mental fortitude that would allow them to direct a monster’s attack at their most vulnerable area? At least not without training?

Rather than focus on getting hurt, I should first focus on reliably directing their attacks to my groin and backing away. Once I was used to that, I could back away to lessen the amount of damage I take so it won’t be as painful as the previous time.

With that plan in mind, I once again started to redirect their attacks elsewhere. It was easy since, while they were fast, they weren’t all that strong. First, I made them attack each other until they looked scratched up. Then I directed their attacks to the space between my legs.

The tops of their heads smoked with anger.

Just when I deflected their attacks to be a few inches from my crotch, they both crouched down and thrust upward. “Shiiiit!” Pain blanked my mind as I felt my body lift into the air. I landed hard on my side. The scent of dead leaves entered my olfactory.

A healing spell quickly eased my pain and a pink blur sliced each of their heads off before the mantises could complete another attack against me.

Congratulations! You’ve earned two levels! You have two attribute points to place!

Yeah! We did it! Even though it had been painful, it had been worth—yeah, no, I’d still rather level at a regular pace than have to deal with anything sharp near my testicles.

Hidden Quest!

By not taking any shortcuts or using a codpiece, you’ve activated the Hidden Quest - Balls of Copper! Level to 10, while using no shortcuts and you’ll learn the passive and defensive aura skill - Copper Cock Cupper.

Extra - If you can finish this quest without crying, you can earn a Special Item.

The hell? What kind of name was Copper Cock Cupper for an aura skill? Still, passive aura skills were rare. If I could get one that could protect my nuts, I’d take it.

Also, this is the first time I’d heard of system quests in this world. Between this and the swords, I didn’t know if I was the goddess’s beta tester or trash bin.

“Two levels at the same time! Amazing! Practically unheard of!” Kron said while holding his hand out for me. I grabbed it and he helped me up.

That was true! You know what? Fuck it. Held up my hand to fist bump the golem.

[https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/949515587766329405/1038925090072576052/SPOILER_Fistbump_copy.jpg]

He cheerfully tapped his fist against mine. Murr zoomed in and did so as well as if afraid I’d leave him out.

“We did great! With these levels, I should be able to learn another spell!” The golem grinned evilly.

“Good!” I turned to Murr, “How about you?”

“I only leveled to 3, but I think we’re done for the day.” He patted my pauldron. “I gave you a lot of shit today, but you’re not bad.”

“You were cracking jokes at my expense the whole time!”

He laughed awkwardly. “Well yeah. How else can I let off steam? Adventuring is terrifying! If I can’t have a little fun it’s not worth it. Besides, you might not be a golem, but you can redirect attacks better than anyone I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a lot of really talented people in the city. Now, let’s go get paid!”

Murr started picking up the monsters with a predatory gleam in his eyes.

Kron nodded to me.

“I still think you should still learn the shield. I’m uncertain how effective redirecting attacks will be at higher levels.”

“I’m willing to give it a shot. I mean, it can’t hurt to learn. And maybe I’ve got some talent.”