“What do you mean you are cutting me off?!” I spluttered in shock.
“Ma’am,” that meanie of a Kalesh said frostily, “You seem to have a misunderstanding concerning exactly what ‘free internet’ actually means.”
“Free internet means free internet, right?!?”
“Free internet assumes something that called ‘typical use’. It is intended to be a convenience for our guests, a way for them to stream media, surf the web, and communicate with friends and family. It is not intended to be used for business purposes.” She said as she paused and pulled up some records on her computer. “And you, Ms. Sheloran, were consuming bandwidth well above anything that can be remotely considered ‘typical’. Our connection is for all of our guests to use and it is unfair to the others if all of the bandwidth is consumed by one guest who is clearly using our connection for ‘atypical’ purposes.”
That darn Kalesha bent her eyestalks to look directly into my eyes, just shooting disapproval beams at me.
“You can understand that, can’t you?”
“Yes,” I replied trying to be as polite as I could. “Yes, I understand and I promise that after this I will behave but I absolutely need to finish what I am doing! Please!”
“I’m sorry,” she said firmly. “Your internet connection has been suspended for the remainder of your stay.” She straightened her uniform and wiggled her eyestalks at me. “Will you be checking out now?”
“What if I paid you?” I asked in desperation. I absolutely had to finish that download. I just had to!
“Are you offering me a bribe?” asked frostily. I mean you could feel the pooping temperature drop!
“W-would it work?” I asked giving her my nicest smile.
“No. Good day… ma’am,” she replied packing truly Kalesh levels of sarcasm and meanness in that final “ma’am”. I tell you those Kalesh can be really really nasty without actually being nasty. That "ma'am" was a real cussing out!
I, not exactly knowing what to do, wandered back to my room. Oh poop this wasn’t good!
***
“So did ya get the internet fixed?” Craxina asked brightly as I stomped back into the room.
“No! Those… assholes… cut us off!” I yelled as I threw myself onto the bed.
“Oooo! You said a dirty word!” Craxina giggled.
Oh poop I did!
“Um… those poopers,” I said a bit more carefully, “cut us off, said that we were violating ‘typical use’ or some poop like that.”
“That’s not good,” Craxina said thoughtfully.
“You think!?!? You flushing think!?!?” I squeaked. “We finally, after weeks and weeks, we finally get an order and now we can’t fill it?!” I buried my face in my pillow and moaned, “The guy is already on his way! If it isn’t ready...”
“We’re fuuuuuucked...” Craxina moaned finally catching on.
“Right! They will murder us on the message boards. We'll never get another order! We will be out of flushing business!”
“Shit! What are we gonna do?” Craxina yelped.
“I… I gotta call Baxlon,” I replied. He could figure this out! He just had to!
***
“Not surprised,” Baxlon said as he handed me a cup of relaxing herbal tea. “Some less than reputable people will check into a hotel and use their internet to do less than reputable things. ‘Typical use’ my ass. Their security AI flagged you. They just weren’t going to accuse you of anything to your face.”
“I wasn’t doing anything wrong!” I squeaked. “I have permits and stuff!”
I did! Everything was one hundred percent legal... no matter how it looked!
“And there is no way in Hell you will be able to convince them of that,” Baxlon replied. “They probably have a policy in place and to get it reversed you will probably have to talk to someone that won’t waste their time talking to you.” Baxlon said calmly as he typed into his computer. “Yep, thought so. You’re screwed.”
“What do you mean I’m screwed?!?!”
“Most hotels use the same internet provider. This flag is gonna follow you. You will be lucky to get internet anywhere now.”
“What am I going to do?” I squeaked. I knew I was squeaking and I didn’t pooping care! I was completely losing it!
“Well, you are going to finish this download using my connection here,” Baxlon replied. “I have a spare office. Just set up in there and finish the gig. After that, well, you are going to need your own connection.”
“Whew… Thanks, Baxlon. You’re a lifesaver!”
“I gotta protect my interests. I can’t have you going out of business before you even start, can I?” he laughed. “Now while you are taking care of this job we need to go ahead and set you up with your own connection. I don’t want what you’re doing being traced back here, just in case.”
“Just in case of what?” I asked dubiously. I really didn’t like the sound of that!
“We, and by we I mean you, are playing pretty fast and loose with the law. Everything you are doing is legal… technically, but that doesn’t mean that you won’t possibly run into trouble. If that happens you definitely don’t need my office shut down along with you, understand?”
“I… I thought that all the licenses would keep me from getting in trouble...” I said quietly. I mean, seriously. Why did I go through all of that flushing hassle? What was I paying this fish for anyway?
“They should but the key word there is ‘should’,” Baxlon chuckled blowing bubble rings, “If everything that should happen did happen then I wouldn’t have a very successful business would I? Don’t worry,” Baxlon said as he put a mechanical hand on my shoulder. “Stick to the plan and you will be in the clear. You are paying me a cut for a reason, remember?”
“O-ok...” I said glumly. This blew scum bubbles.
“Now you go, get your gear, and finish the download. While it’s cooking we will start going over your options.”
***
Once Craxina was set up in the spare office and happily scooping mini-crystals into the burner’s hopper I was once again in Baxlon’s office.
“Ok, internet,” Baxlon said in a crisp businesslike voice. “You need your own connection which means your own address, preferably a business one.”
“How much is that going to cost?” I asked. That fortune I robbed was looking less and less fortune like by the second.
“We’re getting there,” Baxlon smiled. “Now you can rent an office space somewhere. That would be a bit cheaper and would already have a business connection but your internet would still be provided by the landlord and would probably be monitored by a crime-prevention AI just like the hotel. You really don’t need someone getting in your business both from the downloads and the nature of your business communications. All of it is ‘legal’ but all of it is likely to raise questions that will be nothing but a hassle. Rented offices run into the same issues with criminals that hotels do, just bigger ones.”
“So, renting is out,” I said thinking to myself and then I gasped. “Does this mean that I have to buy something?!? How… how much...” Oh man this did not sound good. I could see all my credits disappearing in front of my very eyes!
“Yes. Starting a business and buying your own commercial space is what you need,” Baxlon said and then looked up at me. I must have looked like I felt. “Don’t worry!” he laughed. “It’s not as bad as you think!”
“I have money but a building can’t be cheap!” I squeaked. I couldn’t help but squeak. Back home buildings were expensive and it must be a lot more here! Oh poop! I could barely breathe.
“You're right," Baxlon said, "it isn’t. Even a cheap space in this city goes for quite a bit but don’t worry. You don’t have to pay for it all at once. In fact, walking in with a crystal full of credits and paying cash will have them calling the cops on you right after they happily take your money.”
“What?”
“Nobody pays cash for a business,” Baxlon laughed. “They take out a business loan.”
“I can’t do that!” I squeaked completely not in control of my squeakiness. “I’m not a citizen. I don’t even have an apartment!”
“Believe it or not, getting this set up is a lot easier than getting that apartment.”
“Taking out a huge loan is easier than getting a lease?” I asked completely in disbelief. That couldn’t be pooping right.
“Yep.” Baxlon laughed. “Especially the way we are going to do it.”
“The way we are going to do it?” I asked looking at him suspiciously. “Is this going to be something shady?” (Of course it would be. Who the poop was I talking to?)
“No! Of course not... mostly.” Baxlon chuckled.
“Tell me everything about this ‘mostly’.” I said quite firmly. Here it comes, I thought bracing myself as best as I could.
“I know a banker or three,” Baxlon replied. “I also know a thing or two about money. We take your cash, turn it into assets and wrap that up into a shell company. That shell company, which is completely Terran even if you’re not, then ‘invests’ in Drop of Oil LLC by securing a loan using its assets and then in turn extends one to you. Then, abracadabra! You write yourself a check for whatever you need. We can probably get close to a million if we need it, half a million easy!”
“But I will be broke!” I squeaked as I started squeaking again. “Broke! Completely br-… Oh waters gasp… gasp...” I couldn’t pooping breathe!
“Easy there,” Baxlon said reassuringly. “You won’t be broke. You will just be ‘extended’.”
“What’s the flushing difference?!?” I squeaked even higher than my normal squeak.
“Broke means you have no credits. Extended means you have a million,” Baxlon chuckled.
“gasp… gasp… gasp… gasp” I really couldn’t breathe! I was completely losing it!
“You gonna be ok?”
“I think I’m gonna be sick...” I groaned. It wasn’t a freaking figure of speech either. I was about to lose my breakfast!
Baxlon laughed a belly laugh as he handed me his wastebasket.
“And the best part is that you still have your original money!” Baxlon said with a grin. “The shell company will still contain all of your original assets! You can even make interest off of it!”
“This can’t be legal!” I accused. There is no way this could remotely be anything close to legal… could it?
“Oh but it is,” Baxlon said spreading his mechanical arms wide. “This is how the big boys do it!”
“But I’m not a big boy. I’m a little Plath… Oh, Waters...” I stammered feeling tiny for the first time in a long while.
“Well do you want to be a little Plath who gets booted from hotels and can’t make her orders or do you want to put on your big girl panties and actually make bank?”
“… I wanna make bank...” I finally managed to say and it was true. I didn’t want to be “little”. I wanted to be one of the big boys! It just scared the poo out of me.
“Ok then. Pull up those panties and let’s get started...”
***
Just a few days later, with entirely too many credits that didn’t actually exist to my name, I was looking at a small abandoned strip mall.
“It’s so big,” I squeaked. (Boy was I ever getting tired of squeaking but I just couldn’t help it.) “Don’t you have anything smaller?”
“I do,” a smartly dressed human male replied. “but not in this neighborhood. It may be big but this is one of the cheapest commercial properties currently on the market.”
“But why is it so much cheaper?” I asked a just a little bit confused.
The realtor looked around nervously.
“It’s, um… because of the location...” he said looking around again expecting to get mugged any second. “Startown is not, well… not the most desirable of areas.”
“Oh but it’s perfect for me!” I exclaimed. “I need to be down here because of its proximity to the starport!”
“Well, let’s take a look inside, shall we?” the realtor said. He sounded really excited but not trying to be excited. Weird.
It already had bars on the windows and everything! That will sure come in handy!
***
“Well, you are now the proud owner of a ratty strip-mall. Congratulations!” Baxlon said the next day as we were sitting in his office.
“Great...” I squeaked. I was back squeaking again. I just spent a lot of money.
“Aren’t you going to ask me how much you spent for it?” Baxlon asked with a gleam in his eye.
“H-how much?”
“Two hundred thousand even.”
“What?!” Sheloran squeaked happily. “But they were asking for-”
“Yeah and they had been asking for that for a long time,” Baxlon chuckled. “Earned my commission on that one didn’t I?”
“Yeah you did!” I yelled jumping on his desk and hugging his globe. That was over half off! “And I own it? Like for real?”
“As real as it gets and get the fuck off of me!” Baxlon laughed.
I jumped off of his desk and went back to my seat.
“Now we need to think about what you are going to pretend to be,” Baxlon said in his business voice.
“Pretend to be?” I asked. I was really confused. Why would I have to pretend?
“I really don’t think you want to put ‘Drop of Oil LLC, smuggler supplier’ on the door do you?”
“No,” I replied. No, that wouldn’t be smart at all would it?
“So we need to set up a front for you.”
Ok. I knew what a front was. I needed to come up with a fake business that was real but actually fake.
“And preferably make it a cash business while we are at it. Could come in handy later,” Baxlon continued.
Oh! I knew that one too!
“Am I going to be doing money laundering?” I asked cautiously. “I didn’t think that I needed to do that.”
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“Oh you don’t… at the moment anyway,” Baxlon chuckled, “But you never know what the future will throw at you so its best if we get that going now. You have a lot of space, maybe a laundromat?”
I pondered. I had done my criminal homework and laundromats were like so ‘textbook’. Wasn’t that kind of obvious?
“Hmm...” I pondered and then it hit me! “Coffee! I can make coffee drinks real good!" I exclaimed excitedly, "I can open a coffee shop and since I’m going to have great internet I can open a cyber-cafe too! Those will do really well in Startown!”
I got really excited! I saw a story about the Terran cyber-cafe’s and those really neat little tiny rooms! People even slept in them! I bet one of those would do really super near the starport with everyone coming and going! Poop! I had plenty of space and could put in loads of those little room thingies!
“That could work,” Baxlon said thoughtfully. “Problem is that it actually sounds like work. I mean you would have to man the desk, make coffee, tend the cubicles… you know, shit like that.”
“Oh I don’t mind!” I said excitedly. I mean this sounded super cool!
“Well, it’s your money,” Baxlon chuckled. “I guess the cubicles would be cheaper than buying or leasing commercial laundry equipment and a lot cheaper to operate. It’s not like it actually has to make money you know.”
“Oh I know,” I said trying to look cool but I just knew it would take off and do really well!
“Give these guys a call and they will help you get the place set up,” Baxlon said as he texted me a business card. “I’ve worked with them before. They do good work and don’t ask a lot of questions.”
“Great!” I squeaked. Oops. I squeaked. I couldn’t help it. I was just so excited!
***
It took almost a month for everything to get built and installed but poop! It looked amazing! The cubicles were super nifty just like the ones I saw on the holo and my front lobby was super nice with comfy furniture that would accommodate a bunch of different species and my coffee setup… I went ahead and got the nice machines. I know that it’s supposed to be just a front but I couldn’t help myself. I thought that it would be really scary and stressful spending all those credits but once you get started it’s really hard to stop!
It was ok, though! This place looked wonderful! I still had some money left on my loan too! I ran a few ads letting everyone know I was open for business…
And nobody showed up! Nobody… Absolutely flushing nobody! What the poop! I bought a big sign for outside and that helped a little. I had a few people trickle in but not anywhere nearly enough! Thank The Eternal Waters it was a front! I mean, if I was actually depending on this business I would have lost my pooping mind right about then.
My “real” business wasn’t going all that much better but each deal was worth a pretty good bit and my first deal went through with no problems and the… ahem… “independent contractor” that bought my product reported that it sold quite well! Thanks to that I was able to get a few more deals going but it was nowhere near the mountain of credits I had led myself to believe. Oh I was selling a lot of copies per deal but once you figured in the costs of the mini-crystals and the media itself I wasn’t making anywhere near as much as you would think!
Still, things were slowly gaining traction or that was what I told myself as I had to use some of what was left of my line of credit to make my first payment…
Then my second…
Then my third...
That’s about where I started pooping myself a little. I asked Baxlon what would happen if I “went under”. He promised me that I wouldn’t go to jail (which was my first worry. I mean this can’t be legal!) He just said something about going bankrupt and something about “restructuring” and how Drop of Oil could go under but the shell company would still be safe. This sounded even less legal than what I was doing now! Poop!
Finally, I broke even! Between the orders (I caught a huge break and someone wanted a bunch of copies of some banned books that I could copy for free!) and finally getting some customers coming in (I realized that most xenos had absolutely no idea what a cyber cafe’ was and so I ran a few more ads and set up a FAQ and that really helped!) I actually made a little bit of a profit!
Yes! I could finally sleep without cuddling Craxina like a plush toy!
Then… Craxina did a Craxina.
***
It was just another mostly quiet day at Drop of Oil when Craxina looked up at me.
“Um, Sheloran?”
“Yeah,” I asked completely oblivious to what was about to happen to me.
“I was thinking. You know what I used to do, you know, before I started working for you?”
“Yeah?” I asked sipping my tea. It was great tea. It was really fancy but I got a super deal on it.
“I was thinking that maybe… maybe… I could give it a try again?”
“Are you asking permission,” I chuckled sipping my wonderful tea, “I’m not your mother.”
“Yeah, but I sort of work for you and if I started… you know… I wouldn’t always be.”
Huh, I hadn’t thought of that. Craxina had sort of become kinda important to the operation. I had also gotten used to having her around.
“Well, it’s your life,” I replied. It was hard to get too excited when I had tea as good as that. “Whatever makes you happy. I can manage on my own for awhile and if you want to come back you certainly can.” I took a sip and turned to her. “Just make sure you do it right. I don’t want to have to bail your fluffy tail out of jail.”
“No…. No, I’ll do it right...” Craxina said haltingly and then she looked at me meaningfully. I set my tea down. I knew that look.
“What?” I asked dubiously.
“I was wondering if… maybe… I could… maybe… do it here?” she squeaked.
“What?!?” Thank goodness I set down my tea. That stuff was expensive!
“I mean we have so much room and...”
“No! Abso-flushing-loutely not! Aren’t there places you can do that already?”
“Yes but you aren’t there!” she replied looking down. “After everything I would want you around, you know, to make sure I’m safe.”
“Craxina, I’m sure that those other places are safe too,” I replied as kindly as I could.
“Yes, but you aren’t there. Here, I could do it and be safe and if something happened you would be there… and I could still help out around the place when I wasn’t doing it!”
Ok, now there was a good point. I really did need her help… and if she really wanted me around to make her feel safe… Wait! What was I thinking? No! This was NOT going to pooping happen!
“I am not sure that’s a great idea,” I replied. “I mean if you are not feeling that confident then maybe you aren’t ready just yet.”
“But I waaaaant to,” Craxina said in that voice she knows I have a weakness for. “I’m horny as fuck and you don’t want me bringing people back to the hotel!”
“No. No I do not.”
“This way I could do them here and get paid for it!” she said happily. “I would be safe and I could get my fuck on. This is waaaaay too long for one of my kind to go without! It can’t be healthy!”
“...”
I just sipped my tea. She did have a point. She can get her little freak on and I wouldn’t have to worry about her. Wait! No! I told myself. This was a bad idea!
“And I could pay you!” Craxina said happily. “Those brothels take a cut you know. Why not give it to you?”
I sighed. We did have space we weren’t using and it would keep Craxina off of the street and here where I could keep an eye on her stupid tail… I could feel myself starting to give.
“Ok,” I said after a moment. Craxina’s eyes lit up. It was impossible to say no to her sometimes. “If I agree to this it’s only for a little while. You can find out if you are up to this and if it’s something you really want to do then you need to find a real place to do it in.”
“Deal!”
I meant well. I really did. I mean she had a safe space to explore this part of herself again and I got to know that she was safe and not bleeding to death in an alley or trapped in the back room of another hotel.
What could possibly go wrong?
***
Well nothing did go wrong. A quick check of the applicable regulations showed that what she (and I) were doing was perfectly legit. She, as an independent sex worker, could take appointments wherever she wished as long as it wasn’t on the street and it was a “safe environment”. Well, me sitting in the lobby brewing coffee or dare to dream making copies (not that it was really happening all that often, darn it) made it pretty pooping safe. If anyone tried to hurt my Craxina they were going to get to taste the business end of a mini-cooker.
It became the new normal. We would be working and then some guy (or girl) would wander in looking for Craxi (that’s what I started calling her, Craxi) and off they would go to her little nest in back. They would then pop out later with big smiles on their faces and Craxina would then “rent a cubicle” for several hours. I guess setting up a cash business wasn’t such a bad idea after all.
Then, it happened. One day a strange looking little purple thing came in looking for Craxina. I thought it was one of her clients but instead Craxina brought her over to me.
“Hey, Shelly,” she said with “that look”.
I carefully set down my very nice very expensive tea. (Well, nobody else was buying it and it was a shame for it to go stale.) as a less than pleasant realization dawned upon me.
“No,” I said and picked my tea back up.
“But, Shel-”
“No. Not happening.”
“But she doesn’t have anywhere else to goooooo!” Craxina said using that diabolical voice.
Not my problem… Not my problem... I repeated to myself.
“Then she should go to the union and set up in a brothel, a real one.”
“But she caaaaaannnnn’tt”
Not my problem... I repeated my mantra to myself.
“Not my concern,” I said sealing the proclamation with a sip of my tea.
“But she’s on the streeeeeetttt. She’s gonna get hurrrrrttttt...”
“I’m already regretting asking this but exactly why can’t she go to the union...” I asked.
Ploxni (that was the little purple xeno’s name) proceeds to tell me this long involved tale of woe about how she isn’t documented, here illegally, that she doesn’t have the money to leave. She then told me about how she was getting ripped off really bad where she was working (she was) and how she just needs a safe place to work until she can get enough money to get on a ship and back on her way.
Then she showed me the bruises where she… well… she had been raped.
Fuck… I mean poop...
So now Ploxni was hanging around. She was nice, didn’t cause any trouble, didn’t make a “mess”, and cheerfully paid just like Craxina did. I tried to tell her not to worry about it but she insisted. She wanted to "earn her keep" and I just got tired of fighting her over it. I even let her keep money with me since she didn’t have a safe place to keep it. I just put a lock box in the back with her name on it. She was so grateful for just that and the meals that I would feed her when she was around. I’d send her out with a lunch order and she would bring back food for all of us and was always so careful with the change.
It was hard not to like her. Ploxni is pretty darn cool.
After Ploxni came Vvzzl who had a similar story to tell. The poor thing had a really bad problem with what the Terrans call voxel, a street drug. I managed to get her into rehab after a little while. She drops by every now and then. She is doing really well and helps me with my studies (yes, I’m still working towards that darned certificate). After Vvzzl came “Twitch”. She was Federation and down on her luck. The fact that she could “work for” The Sheloran was a big deal for her because “nobody was going to fuck with her here”. I had to make it quite clear to her (and several more Federation xenos who showed up right after) that they under no circumstances “worked for me". They were working for themselves and I just happened to have some space they could use.
About then, Craxina and the others built some really nice little rooms in the spare area. I told them that it was ok as long as they cleaned up their own messes (because I certainly wasn’t).
Word got out. A xeno who needed a place to safely ply their trade for a bit could drop by and I would accommodate them. My “rates” were better than most places and they were quite safe here. I knew I shouldn’t be messing with this nonsense but darn it, these poor people had no place to go and a lot of them didn’t even really want to be prostitutes in the first place (which was completely heartbreaking but by then I had hired as many poor little xenos as I could afford to). The least I could do was give them a place where they wouldn’t get raped or murdered, right?
On the bright side, my coffee shop was doing a lot more business as a waiting room than it ever did on it’s own and I really didn’t want to admit it but “the girls" (and a couple of boys) really did put me over into the black when it was tight.
All in all it was an ok arrangement. I never had any trouble from the clients nor did I with the um… “independent contractors” who were beginning to crawl all over the place. Heck. I was even starting to put together study sessions for people who wanted to work towards their certificate. “We” were starting to bring in enough to hire our own tutor!
Then… trouble, big huge scary trouble!
***
I was actually in the middle of a big download (I actually got a pooping order!!!) when Hlongn called me to the front.
Standing there were about a dozen really mean looking women and one Juona. They were armed, very well armed, and were wearing was was clearly soft armor styled to look like street clothes (A blazer doesn’t have multiple layers of fabric like that! What? I sew, ok?)
All hell was breaking loose in the “special area” as more of these women were starting to drag out all of “my people” (Yes, I had started to think of them as my people cause they needed to be someone's people, damn it.) and their clients in various states of naked.
“What the poop is going on here?” I squeaked. I tried to sound tough but no, I squeaked.
“We have the same question,” a very muscular woman replied as she pulled out a badge of some sort. “Gretchen Mathers, Sex Workers Union Investigations Division.”
Poop.
***
Well, it turns out that someone (and I know who… Dave, you butthead...) had really gotten close to Ploxni and in their cuddle time conversations had learned her story including the part where she was undocumented and working here somewhat covertly.
He then found out from dear sweet chatty Ploxni that a lot of the people “working for me” (They weren’t pooping working for me!) were in similar circumstances. This concerned him and after “looking into me” by watching some of those Pond cursed documentaries he got even more concerned so the little jerk called the Union on my stubby little tail and got me raided.
In his defense he meant well. I still let him visit because Ploxni won’t work anywhere else and he did mean well. (And Ploxni asked really really nicely.)
Well, the Union rolled in expecting to raid a “human trafficker” and held me at pooping gunpoint. The guns didn’t scare me as much that stun rod that the Juona was holding with the disturbingly rounded tip. The way she kept saying that she really didn’t like slavers as she moved it back and forth was very very disconcerting!
They wouldn’t let me talk. They just kept me there and took each of “my slaves” in the back and talked to them individually. I knew that Craxina had a mouth on her but wow… She really gave them a piece of her mind!
Fortunately for me, the scary rod went away pretty quickly (and so did the guns but who cares about those) and even more fortunately the Union found the whole situation rather humorous. It turns out that I’m not the first “mother hen” as they called me they have encountered.
I found out a few very important pieces of information:
1. Yes, it is legal for individuals to engage in prostitution in a “safe environment” but if more than three of them are using the same environment at the same time it is now an unlicensed brothel… Oops.
2. It doesn’t matter if you are documented, undocumented, legal or illegal. You can get a card from the Union. They don’t report and it really doesn’t matter that much to the Republic anyway. If you are undocumented they will just do a quick check to make sure you aren’t a serial killer or wanted in the Empire and register you. It’s really no big deal. I’ve now helped more than a few “illegals” get that all sorted out.
3. The Sex Workers Union is in fact deputized to handle these sorts of things directly without having to go to the police and will happily storm a suspicious site.
4. I almost got my butt kicked (and quite possibly probed by a prison rod with a self lubricating tip) because I bore a strong resemblance to a human trafficker!!!!
After it was clear that I wasn’t scum of the flipping Earth they were really nice and all bought coffees! They really liked them, word got out, and I have some more new customers!
Gretchen pulled me aside after everybody got dressed (those poor clients!) and the chaos subsided.
“You seem a decent sort,” she said to me.
“I try to be,” I squeaked.
“When we looked you up we expected to run into a fucking monster, you know.”
“Yeah, I get that a lot,” I said as I sipped a soothing cup of tea to calm my nerves. “Those guys in the starport drew first by the way.”
“Ok, sure,” Gretchen laughed. “whatever.” Great, even they don’t believe me. They drew first dammit!!!... I mean poopit!
“Anyway, you either need to get this place licensed,” Gretchen said, “or you need to get licensed.”
“What?” I said putting down my tea. At this point in my life I kinda know when something is coming.
“I think you would make a fantastic procurer,” she said putting her hand on my shoulder.
“A what now?”
“A procurer. They are an individual licensed by the union to arrange for services. They act as a go between between some of our providers and the public, an agent if you will. In return they are typically paid a commission for their service.”
“You mean a pimp?!?!??” I squeaked.
“A pimp gets to meet Urlexa and her special rod,” Gretchen laughed. “A union procurer works for the provider, not the other way around. It would be a handy way for you to keep this operation of yours running, continue to help the wayward souls that seem to flock here, and keep us from kicking in your door on a continuing basis.” She paused as one of my workers handed her an espresso. “You would also gain access to a database of providers from across the planet which would increase your earnings significantly and do us a great favor as well.” She took a sip and nodded approvingly “Yeah, I’ll definitely be coming back here!” She then looked at me. “It’s hard to find people who make good procurers and I bet you would be a fantastic one!”
I felt that all too familiar feeling, fate closing in around me. It appears that I was about to become a procurer now. Great, a non-pimp…
I chuckled. Pimp was not on the list yet. I get to check off another box.
“Ok,” I sighed. “How do I become one of these ‘procurers’.”
It didn’t take long. There were a few classes I had to take and a test I had to pass. The test was easy! It was just about all the rules and stuff!
So… I’m now a procurer. It’s actually pretty nifty. I can issue union cards and help my fellow lost little xenos navigate at least part of this weirdness that is the Republic. I also have a list of every single licensed brothel in the whole pooping Republic and I get a referral bonus if I can get someone out of my skirts and into a real place of business! (Not that many go for it. Most are very happy with me, darn it! What? I’m not going to turn into a jerkface just because I can get rid of them.)
I’ve even gone on a few raids with the Union! I pooping hate bullies and they didn’t have to ask me twice (I got one of those nifty blazers and everything!). We “visited” this real poop-stain the other day. He… um… he got to spend a little time with Urlexa… By the way, Urlexa is a dominatrix when she isn’t out there fighting the good fight and is available on Thursday if that is your sort of thing. (I still can’t believe I’m doing this.)
Oh, I think I broke Baxlon. He wanted to be furious with me for getting involved in all this nonsense without talking to him but at the same time he was about to pop his gills laughing at the thought of me being a pimp now. I had to promise him to talk to him whenever I did anything from now on. I think I will.
***
"... And I swear if ONE more person asks if I'm available I'm going to shoot them in the naughty bits!"
“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” Sam, my former boss, howled with laughter as he leaned against my bar for support.
“Go ahead,” I said sipping my tea. “laugh it up, jerkface.”
“Oh my God! Sheloran!” he gasped, “And here I was pissed off that you set yourself up as competition!”
“If you want to be competitors,” I said as I sipped my overpriced (but absolutely wonderful) tea, “I will happily refer you to the right people in the Union. You will need a bigger place though.”
Sam burst into peals of laughter again.
“So, are you looking to hire someone or not?” I asked. “I have several xenos who know how to make coffee, your way, and would love to work someplace… um… less interesting.”
More laughter.
“Actually, yes. Yes I would love to interview two people.” Sam said as he finally stopped laughing. I failed to mention that both of the applicants I would be sending his way did not actually make coffee for me but in fact worked “in the back” and had been carefully trained in preparation for transitioning to a real job, something that both of them really wanted. (It tears me up that some of “my people” aren’t like Craxina but just desperate. I do what I can but it’s never enough, damn it! At least I can keep them safe, right?)
Craxina picked that moment to saunter out from the back in nothing but a robe (I finally made one that she will keep on!) and looked over at Sam.
“You my 12:30?” she asked.
“Um, no...” Sam replied completely flustered.
“Want to be?”
“No, thank you?”
“You’re missing out,” she said and then made herself a coffee. It was my turn to laugh.
“You are you know,” I said unable to resist.
“What?” Sam asked still staring at Craxina.
“Missing out,” I grinned.
Sam blushed and stammered something about having to get back and left.
As he did I looked over at Craxina.
“You have completely ruined me,” I chuckled.
As she was about to reply the phone rang. I answered.
“Hello! Drop of Oil Coffee and Media! Can I interest you in… (Sigh) Yes… You are interested in a xeno’s... feet?… Hooves?… (sigh)… That’s an odd request but let me check… Yes, we do have a provider with hooves. Yes I can send you an image…. I’m certainly glad it makes you that way (gross!)… I can certainly assist with that I just need your client ID numb-…. No, that provider requires a… no I don’t care if you are a ‘nice guy’ the provider requires an ID… Look, dude, if you want the hoof you need the ID now unless you have one… Ugh. (click)”
I hung up.
“Hooves?” Craxina laughed.
“And you will never guess what he wanted her to do with them!” I replied sipping my tea.
“Tell me!”
“Sorry,” I smiled at her, “As a procurer I must respect my client’s confidentiality.”
“Aww...”
I grinned.
“But since he didn’t actually become my client he wanted her to...”
“Ewwww!” Craxina replied laughing.
“Humans are so pooping weird...” I muttered as I sipped my tea.
“Good thing, right?” she replied. “No way we could keep this place open without them.”
“Please don’t remind me,” I laughed.