“OhmyGod!!!” Littlefoot exclaimed as they lifted off from Venus Ranch quite some time after it officially closed.
There was much to discuss, and when you dropped as much cash as the Loo did, it is surprising how flexible an establishment can be.
“How you doing back there?” she asked as she looked back at Charlotte who was lying, legs curled underneath, beside a surprisingly small amount of packaged beef.
“The eternal hunting grounds…” Charlotte purred, causing the vehicle to shake. “If I were taken there this instant, I would consider it a life well lived…”
Her mandibles worked back and forth.
“To borrow a term from our human hosts,” she rumbled, “Mind… Blown… Boom…”
“That was the first time you have ever had meat cooked?” Littlefoot asked.
“No,” Charlotte replied, “That was the first time I had it cooked properly… The expertly seared exterior introducing new chemical compounds… the interior warmed just enough to free the fat and increase the aroma and flavors… medium rare, they called it… I am so happy I allowed Ms. Venus to convince me to try her steak… I still can’t believe it! This… This is revolutionary… Exactly what we trail layers were sent to find!”
“I still can’t believe that you made it to another star and didn’t know how to freaking cook!” Littlefoot giggled.
“Oh, we use heat to process and preserve food,” Charlotte replied, “I have literal tons of pemmican with me, but we have never produced something like that steak! We never thought to do it. Meat is to be consumed raw, as presented by nature, preferably still steaming and dripping blood or ichor as applicable. It is only cooked when it must be preserved, and then it is smoked and dried or salted. If one lives as one should, then there should be no leftovers. One only ‘cooks’ food when one maintains the caches. Back home, I would rather starve than accept the shame of having to stray from the path of selection. The only exception was one time when I was deeply involved in research and did not wish to stop to hunt. Before this journey, that was the only time I ever ate flesh cooked. We do reluctantly cook some plant material. There are certain herbs, medicinal and digestive, that must be broken down before we can properly consume them. It may come as a shock, but the plants on my world can be a bit tough.”
“So your people just quit and go hunting whenever they are hungry?”
“Yes, save in very unusual circumstances.”
“How does that even work? I mean, if everyone just hits the woods whenever they are hungry, how does anyone get anything done. And doesn’t that kill everything around your cities?”
“Our ‘cities’ are a bit different,” Charlotte replied, “They are more like what you would consider small towns. And, when we go on a hunt, we travel extended distances, especially now that we have transport. We will select an area that should be fresh and spend a few weeks or months there until we have properly gorged ourselves. Then, we can return for quite some time until we must feed again. We have evolved so that we can engorge ourselves and then go protracted periods with no additional sustenance. I will completely consume this animal over the next day or so… I had better check the structural strength of the coffee stand. I shall gain a significant amount of weight.”
“You could put it in a freezer and…”
“Now you are speaking madness,” Charlotte chuckle-rumbled. “I have this premium flesh, and I shall consume it raw and bloody save a few experiments trying to replicate medium-rare. I thank you once more for bringing me.”
“And there is a lot more where that came from!” Littlefoot laughed, “Have you seen my accounts?!? Holy shit!”
“Are they not expressly for your mission?”
“Meh. What’s a little corruption between friends,” Littlefoot giggled.
“You can’t be serious! You would betray your swarm?!?”
“Relax,” Littlefoot giggled, “my paycheck is more than enough to nab a cow every now and then… well… a normal one. That one back there is a bit pricy.”
“Yes,” Charlotte replied, “I was very disheartened when I learned the cost of the beast. Apparently, there is a significant difference between ‘bespoke beef’ and normal cattle. Fortunately, the cost of less premium livestock will be agreeable to our trail layers, envoys, traders, and the like. One of these beasts will be a welcome respite from our rather loathsome pemmican. This could very well make Terra a major waypoint for our swarms.”
“Don’t forget Nakamura and the rest of the Republic,” Littlefoot said, “If anything…”
Gurgle…
“Oooh…” Littlefoot said as she held her stomach. “I don’t feel so good…”
Over the next few minutes, discomfort turned into agony…
…and fear.
“Call an ambulance!” Littlefoot cried, “I think I’m dying!”
“Zip!” Charlotte yelled as she rushed forward, causing the transport to lurch for a moment, “Where is the nearest hospital!”
“Do you consent to a medical scan?” Zip asked, “I can send your scans to the nearest hospital, which is one hundred and sixty-seven kilometers away.”
“I’ll be dead by then!... Ohhh, creators… It hurts!” Littlefoot wailed as she clutched her belly. “It was that… asshole… He poisoned me!... I’ll kill him!... Oohhhh!”
“I seriously doubt an agent of the Loo would have gone through all of the time and expense he did just to kill you,” Charlotte replied, “However, you do raise a good point. You ate a lot of unfamiliar foods. Do you think you consumed a toxin?”
“I scanned everything.”
“Um, guys,” Zip said, “I can’t really do a scan without consent…”
“If I don’t make it…” Littlefoot said as she reached for Charlotte, “In my van, there is a fire safe. My p-parents… Tell them… Tell them I…”
“For fuck’s sake!!!” Zip yelled, his speakers at full volume, “Let me scan you so you don’t die, you furry little moron!”
“Ohhhh, it hurts…”
“Fuck it,” Zip grumbled, “Consent implied… Scanning…”
Zip started laughing.
“You aren’t going to die,” he said, “I’m calling the Republic non-emergency helpline.”
“Non-Emergency?!?” Littlefoot screamed.
“It will be faster,” Zip replied, “Trust me. Calling Candy now.”
“How can the non-emergency line be faster?!?” Littlefoot wailed. “I need help nowwwwww.”
“Because this can be handled by AI,” a pleasant and reassuring feminine voice replied. “Hi, I’m Candy Stripe, the Republic Medical Services evaluation and referral AI! Sweetie, you are in no immediate danger, nor have you accidentally consumed something dangerous. You, my dear, have a raging case of the star-trots.”
“W-what?”
“You’ve lived in the Republic long enough for certain native microorganisms to populate your digestive system. For your species, this isn’t a big deal, but you just fed them a lot of lactose, a sugar that even a lot of humans can’t digest properly. Your planet doesn’t have lactose at all, so you didn’t digest it, but the bacteria in your gut just love the stuff, and now they are filling your petite little guts with the byproducts. In other words, you have gas.”
“I’ve had gas, and this is not gas, you stupid AI!”
“Well, sweetie…” Candy replied, “You can always feel free to have Zip send your scans to a hospital where their triage AI will flag it as non-emergency and tell Zip to drive you in. Then, you will wait an underdetermined amount of time because it isn’t an emergency, only to be told by a meat… a real live doctor that it isn’t an emergency, and they will then give you the exact same thing that I can get into your paws in about… five minutes… It’s entirely your call, and to be perfectly honest, I really don’t give a shit either way… because this isn’t an emergency, and I have five hundred and thirty-two things that are. So, I’m fresh out of both time and sympathy for your gassy little ass. So, do you want me to make baby all better or not?”
“You should really listen to Candy,” Zip said. “She can call in some over-the-counter stuff, and we can swoop into a charging plaza a lot faster than even the fastest emergency room visit. I am not qualified to diagnose, treat nor recommend treatment for any medical condition… but Candy is. If we go to the ER, you aren’t getting shit for at least a good hour after we get there… and that’s if you’re lucky.”
Littlefoot just nodded.
“I’m gonna need more than just a nod, sweetie,” Candy said. “Do you want mamma to make it better, or do you want a real live doctor as organic as the dairy you just shoved into your guts to do the same thing… much later?”
“Now, please,” Littlefoot moaned.
“I’ve entered the order at the Zap and Zip number fifteen thirty-six, Zip,” Candy said cheerfully, “They will have Peptopoop, Fartgo, and some activated charcoal tablets… plus a couple of bottles of Crocodelish Electrolyte Exxtra and… yeah… a roll of paper towels… just in case… That’s a lot of dairy. This could get bad. Zip, may I take this opportunity to extend my most sincere condolences to your upholstery… If you haven’t guessed, sweetie,” Candy said cheerfully, “I’m saying that there is a very good chance you’re going to shit yourself. If you can go at the charge station, you really want to.”
If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.
***
Candy’s prediction proved accurate, and there was a small blur in a blue skirt sprinting out of the cargo transport before it even fully landed, much to Zip’s loud objections. (He still unlocked the door, though.)
“I think I can fit in there,” Charlotte mused, “I guess I will go and collect the medications.”
“Cool. I’ll just be hovering here. Yell if you need Candy or an ambulance. It’s one of my charging stations, so I have a sensor feed… In case you are wondering, a sensor feed from a remote charging station or worse, a rest area isn’t always a blessing. Humans are weird, dude.”
“Remember where I work,” Charlotte chuckled as she climbed out of the van, “I don’t doubt that for a moment,” she said over her shoulder as she walked inside.
***
“Welcome to… holy shit!!!”
“Hello,” Charlotte rumbled pleasantly to the blue and white ball cap and pair of extremely startled eyes peeking above the counter.
“H-hello…” a woman with long blonde hair in a somewhat grease-stained jumpsuit said as she reluctantly stood. “S-sorry about that… You just… um… startled me.”
“I tend to startle a lot of people,” Charlotte rumbled with amusement. “I assume you met my small and distressed associate?”
“Yeah,” the woman grinned. “I assume this candy bag is for her?” she asked as she pulled out a biofilm shopping bag. “There are also dosage recommendations for her species, but Candy says that Peptopoop is almost identical to Bismusoothe from her home planet and that not to freak if she just chugs the bottle like every other idiot does… What the hell are you?... Sorry…”
Charlotte tried not to smile.
“The human name for my species is the Nope, the first word the first human shouted when they encountered us…”
***
Quite some time later, a weak and damp Littlefoot staggered out of the restroom.
“I’m sorry,” she muttered, “It started coming out of both ends…”
“Don’t sweat it,” the human replied, “That’s why I get paid the big bucks.”
Littlefoot laughed weakly.
“No, seriously,” the woman laughed, “The Republic is Bizzaro World compared to a lot of the galaxy. You would be surprised how much I make. I actually have a degree in this, you know.”
“There is a degree for being a charge swinger?” Littlefoot asked in shock and then winced. It wasn’t a very nice term for not a very nice job back home.
“Well, it’s more of a certification, actually. I am a certified vehicle technician, medical first responder, firefighter, unlimited class vehicle operator, journeyman rigger, and law enforcement agent. I also do almost all maintenance of this facility… and run the cash register when it comes up, which isn’t often. It’s a pretty good gig for an introvert like me. I hardly ever see real live people unless I take a day off… which suits me just fine.”
“Interesting,” Charlotte replied. “Is every charging station manned?”
“Not all of them,” the woman replied, “Most are literally just charging points, but there is one of these master stations at regular intervals along all routes. We are sort of the guardian angels of the road… even though that usually means just rebooting a rig or swapping a circuit board. It’s a pretty easy job, most of the time. To be honest,” she said to Littlefoot, “you painting the shitter is kind of a welcome break from the monotony.”
“…sorry…” Littlefoot said as she let out a very smelly and wet-sounding fart, causing her to clutch the back of her skirt in alarm.
“We also have showers…” the woman said sympathetically.
***
Well after the sun rose, Littlefoot awoke to the smell of grilling meat.
It had been a long and very unpleasant night. Liddie, the Station Attendant, recommended that she just crash there where there was more Pepto and where the restroom was close. (And where Liddie could keep an eye on her.)
To be honest, it was probably because it had been a while since Liddie had talked to anyone. Even introverts have their limits.
It turns out that these places usually have a little traveler’s loft or at least a cot or two.
After the shower and another rather protracted and prayer-filled restroom experience, Littlefoot, following her unfortunately acute nose, found her way to Liddie’s apartment behind the station.
“The trick to it is to get the pan good and hot,” Liddie said to Charlotte as the Nope watched Liddie’s every move. “That way, you get a good sear.”
“The pan seems to be of an unusual composition,” Charlotte replied, “and is coated with a complex carbon-based coating. Is that important?”
“It’s a seasoned cast-iron pan, a real one,” Liddie said proudly. “I found it on a treasure hunt a few years back! It doesn’t need to be one of these, but they are nifty. Anything should work, but you want it thick because… Well, hi there!” Liddie said brightly to Littlefoot. “Back among the living?”
“Unfortunately…” Littlefoot mumbled as she slumped into a chair. “Thanks for letting me crash here.”
“It qualifies as assisting those in transit,” Liddie shrugged, “Besides, I’ve been paid in steak!”
“Liddie is teaching me the secret of medium-rare,” Charlotte rumbled happily.
“We have some of the last one left,” Liddie said, “You up to solid food? If not, there is some instant oatmeal.”
“I think just the oatmeal,” Littlefoot said weakly.
***
“You didn’t have to keep the transport here, Zip,” Littlefoot, wearing freshly laundered clothes, said as they lifted off, and Liddie happily waved from below.
“I don’t have bunches of armored transports just lying around,” Zip replied cheerfully, “and I didn’t have an order for one, so I just scheduled it for a battery test and check, which Liddie did last night. All she had to do was hook it up to a tester and walk away. It needed one anyhow. It was easier than sending it back only to send it out again to pick Charlotte up.”
“You have our thanks, Zip,” Charlotte said. “I truly enjoyed my time with Liddie.”
“Yeah, she’s really cool. Did you know she actually has a Ph.D. in Physics?”
“And she runs a charging station?” Littlefoot asked, stunned. “Why?”
“She has a complete machine shop, electrical shop, and several robo facs all to herself,” Zip replied. “and the time to do whatever the hell she wants with it all. Fortunately, I am neither authorized nor required to enforce the laws of nature. Otherwise, she would be in big trouble,” Zip laughed. “She’s an odd duck, but most of the people out here are in one way or another. You almost have to be. Fortunately for me, odd ducks are one of the few things that there isn’t a shortage of in the Republic these days. Oh! That reminds me! Charlotte, Bella says hi and asks you to tell the scavvers that she is doing great.”
“Oh, that’s wonderful to hear!” Charlotte enthused, “Did everything work out with that guy she went off to meet?”
“Oh yeah, big time,” Zip said happily. “They are now a ‘travel team’ and are joined at the hip… along with other portions of their anatomy…”
“Wonderful! I am so happy for her! She deserves all the fruits of every hunt on which she embarks… Of course, anyone who knows her doesn’t doubt that she will obtain just that.”
“Yep,” Zip replied. “She is kicking butt and taking names out here.”
“And her studies?”
“She is progressing a bit more slowly, but that’s only because she was such a hard charger before. She’s still way ahead of the curve.”
“If only the same could be said for my swarm,” Charlotte said ruefully. “I went through all of the trouble to get that mobile library stationed at the Drop, and do you know what it’s used for? Entertainment! Only a very few are truly applying themselves. Were it not for them, I would slide into despair.”
“Yeah…” Zip replied, “I didn’t want to say anything, but yeah… Don’t sell yourself short, though. I’m driving a lot of them to the library!”
“Where they download music and movies,” Charlotte grumbled. “If anything, the Library is proving to be more of a distraction than an asset. The totality of Human and Imperial knowledge is at their fingertips, and they watch Click-Clock videos for hours… If it would not almost certainly be fatal, I would take a switch after the lot of them.”
“You would be surprised how many teachers say much the same,” Zip laughed. “But some of them might just surprise you. Of course, I am incapable of accessing educational records, but don’t give up on them just yet. A few of them might not be watching videos all of the time.”
“I truly hope so, Zip,” Charlotte replied. “My conversations with Bella and with the more… literate… members of Terran society have given me a reminder that natural selection is present in all environments, and the fit thrive while the unfit… don’t. Zip… I fear that my swarm might not be of the fittest stock.”
“Hey!” Littlefoot snapped as she took another gulp of Peptopoop, “You shut your non-whore mouth. My girls might not measure up to your lofty standards, but they are plenty ‘fit’. If they weren’t, they wouldn’t have survived in the first place! Do you have any idea what they have been through? Do you? No. You don’t. I bet if you had to survive what they did in their bodies, you would be either dead in a ditch somewhere, floating in space, or addicted to creators knows what. So what if they watch some videos or play some games. They are still showing up to your stupid classes every single chance they get, and they are still trying. If you say one more bad thing about them or even think about giving up on them, I will personally kick your ass, and don’t think for one second that I can’t. They are my ‘swarm,’ too, and they are a damn good one. You should be thanking whatever creepy crawlie you pray to that you have the privilege of running with such a good crew… Some stick up their ass professors sweet talk you and Mary fucking Bugpoppins floats by, and you get all mixed up in the head? Some ‘trail layer’ you are... Bitch.”
Charlotte rumble-sighed.
“You are right, Littlefoot,” she said, “I have been feeling increasingly lost out here so far from home and this biome… It’s strange… Nothing makes sense. I can’t even tell fit from unfit most of the time. It’s… It’s frightening in ways that I’ve never been frightened before. I’m more and more confused every day, and I don’t even know which way to lay my markers anymore.”
She sagged.
“…I think I might be the unfit one… I’ve been pondering returning home. I am unsure…”
“Hey,” Littlefoot said, “If you were so fucked up, why didn’t you tell someone?”
“Because one doesn’t show weakness,” Charlotte replied, “If one becomes unfit, they become a burden. If one becomes a burden… they…”
“Christ, now you sound like Uhrrbet,” Littlefoot snarked, “You want to know how to be fit in this biome? You run with a crew, and you have one of the best in the galaxy, you stupid bug. You find good people, and you stick with them no matter what. Everyone will be a burden at one time or another, and you know what you do? You help them back on their feet because tomorrow, you will be the one going down. You might be a walking tank, but if you try to go it alone out here in this ‘biome,’ you are dead meat. You have to have people to watch your back, and you need to watch theirs. That Jane of the Jungle bullshit is what’s unfit, not you. Jesus, first you don’t know how to cook, and now you don’t know how to people? For such smart… things… you guys are pretty fucking stupid.”
“Well said,” Zip replied. “Listen to the little vomit rat.”
“Fuck you,” Littlefoot said cheerfully. “And fuck you too, Charlotte. You almost bled out because you couldn’t ask for even a little help. What would have happened to your ‘swarm’ then, huh? You seriously going to abandon them just because you’re scared? We’re all scared, dumbass. Get over yourself.”
“I… I’ve been unfit…” Charlotte said, looking down.
“You say unfit one more time, and I will buy something from Clarence that will actually hurt you,” Littlefoot replied, “Stop thinking fit and unfit and about that stupid swarm of yours and start thinking about your crew. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. We are all ‘unfit’ in some areas and ‘fit’ in others. Alone, none of us has a prayer. But together, we make something a lot tougher, badder, and more ‘fit’ than anyone of us alone, even you. So, you gonna run with us for real, or are you going to clutch your panties and go home?”
“… I’m frightened, Littlefoot… Death doesn’t scare me. Falling in the hunt is my destiny. But this… all of it… This isn’t anything akin to anything I have ever known.”
“Welcome to the fucking galaxy,” Littlefoot replied, “Do you think I knew the first thing about anything when my country ass climbed into the first void cursed ship that promised me a job? If I did, I sure as fuck wouldn’t have climbed into the first void cursed ship that promised me a job. All of us had to figure out this fucked up place. Get some of those ‘unfit’ Click-Clock watching ‘losers’ talking about something besides homework sometime. See where you rank on the fitness scale, then.”
“I… I need… I need help, Littlefoot. I am among the best of my people, and if I cannot make my way out here… I despair for my people… Can you forgive me, allow me to join your... crew... and render me aid?”
“What the fuck do you think I’m doing, you moron?” Littlefoot said as she let loose another fart.
Her eyes widened for a moment, and then she sighed with relief. She could trust that one.
“You are already part of our crew,” Littlefoot said, “If you need help, fucking ask for it the same way people come to you. Just have our backs, and we’ll have yours.”
“Having someone’s back… Does that mean that if you perceive a threat to someone you feel a fondness for, that you should take action?”
“Am I... (urp)... Am I about to get even more pissed off at you?”
“I fear so…”
***
Uhrrbet happily hummed to herself as she fiddled with her clothing design program. She had absolutely no idea how she was going to make a “Terran style” ballgown for something without bones, but she was going to try!
The door opened, and she looked up happily.
“Littlefoot!” she cheerfully enthused, “Need another outfit?”
“I’m here for another reason today,” Littlefoot smiled, revealing her sharp opossum-like teeth, “Let’s talk about Neeph…”