“… There are questions that must be answered, certainly,” Councilor Xil, head of the Federation Security Council, said during his briefing to the press. “However, this is not the time for reckless, divisive accusations. We need to come together during this tragedy, not tear ourselves apart. I have complete faith in Director Axlea and trust her implicitly. I cannot disclose many details at this time due to an ongoing investigation by Federation Intelligence but Director Axlea has cooperated fully with our own inquiry into the matter and has shown exceptional character and leadership. I have every confidence that once the matter has been fully investigated all of your questions will be answered at that time.”

Jon was lounging on the sofa in his office with a bowl of popcorn and an open tin of his grandma’s special brownies watching the news.

“I wonder what Axlea has on that asshole,” Jon chuckled.

Councilor Skippy, kicked back on the other side just giggled.

“Must be something good,” she chuckled as she turned to face Jon. “Popcorn me.”

Jon tossed a kernel into Skippy’s mouth. She munched happily and tossed back a bottle of Xvli beer, a viscous brew so vile that even humans will not touch it.

“Councilor! What possible justification could she have for removing the warrants and bounties pertaining to Sheila Donovan and her band of murderous cutthroats?” a reporter demanded.

“None, absolutely none at all,” Councilor Xil replied, “And that is exactly why there is an investigation taking place. She will get to the bottom of this, I assure you. I urge patience and restraint while the Director does exactly what she is paid to do, her job. Thank you.”

The scene shifted to a human reporter sitting behind a holographic backdrop of the destruction of the White Star.

“By the creators, this is fantastic!” Skippy giggled as she reached for another brownie. “Classic Federation pellet-hump. It never fails to entertain, does it?” She nibbled at the brownie. “Dude,” she purred, “we really need to discuss another ‘agricultural export’.” She waved the remainder of the brownie at him before munching it down.

“Not a problem, Councilor, I’m sure we can arrange something,” Jon said with a smile.

They both turned to watch a Federation Admiral try to explain how someone could hide an entire Starliner from them for so long, blow it up right in front of them, and then just fly off right under their noses.

“Oh this is fucking great,” Skippy giggled. “Look at him dance! Creator! I love it when they squirm! Fucking Feds...”

“Hey,” Jon laughed. “Aren’t you a ‘fucking Fed’?”

Skippy just giggled and reached for the popcorn. Jon opened his mouth. She tossed a kernel at him bouncing it off of his nose.

“I’ll tell you a secret,” Skippy giggled. “We are ‘members’ of the Federation, sure, but to be honest we actually don’t like them very much.”

“What?”

“We were happily just doing our thing and then the Federation just kept growing until we were basically surrounded. It became pretty clear pretty quick that if we wanted to trade and move freely in even our own sector we needed to become a member too so we joined,” Skippy shrugged. “If we were located more conveniently, like say where you guys are, we would have just given them the middle finger when their diplomats came calling.”

“I did not know that,” Jon said as he tossed a kernel into Skippy’s mouth.

“Yeah, we aren’t alone either,” Skippy chuckled. “There are a few systems like us out there. Systems who joined but… well… to say they aren’t fans is putting it a little mildly.” She grabbed the popcorn bowl, shoved her face into it, and started munching away.

“Hey! I’m eating out of that!” Jon laughed as he retrieved the bowl.

“Ooo!” Skippy said nudging Jon’s arm “It’s your girl!”

There was a snarling and quite unflattering image of Sheila Donovan on the screen.

“This is the pirate responsible for the loss of the White Star and the death of hundreds of innocent crewmen and security team members plus dozens of passengers!” an older gentlemen said in front of the image. “She is the villain here, not the honest and hard working people of Axion Lines!”

“But what about the allegations of human trafficking being brought forth by the survivors of the White Star incident?”

“That is complete and total nonsense!” the man shouted. “My company would not tolerate such actions on any of our vessels.”

“Survivors are reporting that the fact that the victims were Republic children was the main reason your ship was destroyed!”

“Fucking what?!” Jon snarled and leaned forward glaring at the screen.

“These are criminals. Lying is part of their stock in trade! Those poor passengers were lied to!” the man said. “They will say or do anything to justify their vile actions!”

“What about a member of the Federation press then?”

“… What?” the human asked looking quite confused.

“Ooooo!” Skippy said grabbing another fistful of popcorn.

“A report was just released from a reporter who was a passenger on the White Star when it was seized,” a pol-ka shouted, crest fully engorged. “A federation citizen! She has footage! She has names! She has proof!”

Another man stepped forward.

“We will be taking no further questions at this time, thank you,” he said and then they both beat a hasty retreat as reporters had to be physically restrained from chasing them down.

Jon exhaled deeply and leaned back.

“You are taking this quite calmly,” Skippy said cocking an eye at him. “Knowing you I would expect you to be screaming for blood.”

“Think about it,” Jon smiled, “Those traffickers ran into Sheila and friends. What happened to them afterwards was probably not nice. Knowing Sheila they will most likely trace back the entire slave pipeline and rip it out by its roots with each person in the chain being flayed alive (if they are lucky) as they go. As far as Axion goes the fact that the ship was destroyed as a direct result of criminal activity takes that nice fat insurance policy, wipes its ass with it, and then sticks it right on their forehead. Skippy, they just took a total loss on the fucking White Star. That’s why that guy looked like he was bleeding out up there. Popcorn me.”

Helena’s footage (with proper citation and link to her website) of the liberation and initial walkthrough of Bruce’s Emporium started to play on the main screen. “We are playing this footage with the permission of investigative journalist Helena Sterling on the condition that nothing be edited or blurred. She demands that it be seen as shot. Viewer discretion is advised.”

After a few moments Jon grimaced and switched off the holo.

“Eesh,” Skippy muttered. “You Terrans sure like your knives don’t ya?”

“I am going to fucking wreck Axion,” Jon snarled.

“How?”

“The wrath of the Republic shall fall upon them. In this case said wrath being a full diplomatic corps, a legion of lawyers, and last but not least, me. Hell, I might even try to entice Patricia out of her den but I don’t think I have enough raw meat…”

“Yeah, how is that all working out?” Skippy chuckled. “I’ve heard some shit.”

“Just one big happy family,” Jon smirked, “I am delighted… no, honored that someone of Patricia Hu’s stature and long history of service to the Republic has been selected as the Deputy Ambassador to the Republic. It is truly humbling to be in the presence of someone who has served the Republic since day one, no… since before day one.”

“Oh fuck,” Skippy giggled, “That bad?”

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Jon just winced. Skippy giggled even more loudly.

“Well I know what will make things better,” Skippy giggled, “Noodles! I got the munchies!”

“Sounds like a plan to me,” Jon replied.

“Ambassador,” Toby said through the intercom. “I hesitate to interrupt your trade conference with the Xvli councilor but Director Axlea is here to see you.”

“This shouldn’t take too long,” Jon said. “We can’t stand each other for more than a few minutes at a stretch. Meet you there?”

“I’ll just wait for you outside. You guys have a lovely garden.” Skippy stood up, brushing off stray bits of popcorn off of her robes and fur.

“Cool.”

Skippy bounced out of Jon’s office. Moments later Axlea sauntered in.

“Nice to see you finally decided to report for work, asshole,” the director said as she slowly walked around his office.

“Great to see you too, bitch,” Jon replied. “I already swept for bugs, twice.”

“Well you got all of them,” Axlea replied.

“Actually didn’t find any,” Jon laughed. “I think she was fucking with me, not planting any so I would think I missed one.”

Axlea just chuckled and then glanced over and the popcorn, open brownie tin, and empty bottles of beer.

“I see negotiations with the Xvli were tense.”

“Yeah, it took two bowls of popcorn, a six-pack, and a couple of grandma’s finest but I think we made a little progress,” Jon laughed. “So, director, please tell me you weren’t involved in that bullshit attempt to frame Stephen Marrow.”

“What do you mean frame?” the director replied, “The police have a missing person, motive, and his genetic material all over the fucking place.”

“Exactly,” Jon said as he got up to pour himself a cup of coffee, “Brownie?” Axlea shook her head. “Marrow, a smart and very experienced individual, even though he has a team of thugs, personally goes to this sonofabitch’s hotel and then leaves his DNA all over the place? Marrow being that sloppy? Marrow? Sloppy?”

Jon returned to his desk and takes a seat.

“Do you actually expect me to believe that? Seriously?” Jon asked as he sipped his coffee.

“I don’t expect you to believe anything,” Axlea replied with a smile. “This is a police matter, not Intelligence.”

“Well they certainly fell for it, hook, line and sinker,” Jon smirked. “Had one of their inspectors in here ready to haul him off and everything. I don’t know what was funnier,” Jon smiled. “The inspector actually trying to scare someone who has worked directly under the fucking Horde Mother herself for over a hundred years or the ever so brief look on Marrow’s face when confronted with the ‘indisputable’ evidence. Thank you for that,” Jon said with a grin. “I really needed a good laugh.”

“Ambassador,” Axlea calmly replied. “I need ‘serious Jon’ here for a minute.”

“Ok,” Jon said calmly. “Shoot.”

“Patricia Hu is a clear and present danger, not only to the Federation but to the Republic as well,” the director said quietly. “You realize that, right?”

Jon just looked at her and raised an eyebrow.

“I know you are in a tough spot,” Axlea continued. “You have to be loyal to the Republic, hold true to your position as Ambassador, and wrestle that fucking snake. I don’t expect you to confirm or deny anything. I just want you to know that despite our government’s and our personal differences that you have my full support when it comes to this particular issue. I’m serious, Jon. When it comes to Patricia Hu, just say the word and whatever you want or need, I’ll make it happen… anything.”

God, Jon thought to himself. If only it were that easy...

“Hmm...” Jon said after a few seconds. “Patricia Hu is a Republic citizen and a high ranking diplomatic official. There is no way in hell that I would want your ‘support’ full or otherwise. If there is an issue, which I am neither confirming nor denying, it is a Republic issue, an internal matter, and a delicate one and one that I don’t need further complicated by some clumsy half-assed meddling from the outside, got it?”

Looks like I got through, Axlea thought to herself. He will reach out before he drowns.

“Ok,” Axlea said. “Just keep it in the back of your mind. Just letting you know that you have, on this issue and this issue alone, a standing strings-free offer of assistance.”

“I’ll keep it in mind,” he snarled. It’s just like Helen and I talked about. She wants allies and is willing to deal. Interesting…

“Just to let you know,” Axlea said letting out a long slow stream of bubbles, “I won’t let that fucking monster hurt my Federation. Your ‘internal matter’? Keep it internal. It leaks outside and I will deal with it.”

“You mean like the way you dealt with those missing four staffers that I haven’t been officially informed about?” Jon asked pretending to be displeased.

“Yes, exactly like those four staffers,” Axlea calmly replied. “They were the actual ones who went to that man’s apartment, by the way. Very interesting bio-scans too… exactly like Silvia Salvatore’s”

“Who?” Jon smiled. She knows!

“You should really keep better tabs on who goes in and out of this embassy, Jon. You really should.” Axlea said as she ‘smiled’ slightly revealing her fangs.

“If I want a time-stamped list I know who to call.”

“Actually you do,” Axlea replied, “If anyone interesting drops by I’ll be sure to let you know.”

Actually that would be really convenient. I wonder if I could get that in spreadsheet form. Toby loves spreadsheets. Jon thought to himself as he scowled at her.

“Well, I just dropped by to tell you how happy I was to see you back on your feet and let you know that you have a friend in this,” Axlea said with a wiggle. “I won’t keep your girlfriend waiting. Enjoy lunch.”

“Bite me, bitch.” Jon said with a smile.

“Right back at you, cockmuncher,” Axlea replied with a chuckle as she walked away. As she did so a small compartment opened and a single data crystal fell out.

Jon got up and retrieved the crystal, frowned at it, and slipped it into his pocket. He decided to review it after lunch.

He was pretty sure it would ruin his appetite and he really wanted some noodles.

***

“Lovely to see you back where you belong, Toby,” Director Axlea said as she passed by his desk on the way out. “Thanks again for the powerbars!” she said happily patting a hatch on the side of her bot. “I was really running low there.”

“Happy to oblige, director,” Toby replied pleasantly as he sipped a cup of tea.

Axlea just chuckled.

“I still can’t wrap my head around it,” she laughed, “You, a Terran marine.”

“Review of the footage concerning a recent incident should clear up any doubt, director,” Toby said wiggling his eyestalks slightly.

“That it did,” Director Axlea chuckled. “That it did. You guys take care and if you need anything...”

Toby just leveled all four eyes at her.

“The Director of Federation Intelligence will be the first person I call.” he said his voice dripping with levels of sarcasm few but the Kalesh can achieve as he wiggled his eyestalks just enough to properly flavor the remark.

“Well not the first certainly,” Axlea chuckled, “but keep it in mind. You never know what will happen before the end.”

I actually will, Toby thought as he looked at Axlea as if she was a bug.

“Have a lovely day, director.”

“Nobody can say ‘Go and fuck yourself.’ quite as well as you can, Toby,” Axlea laughed as she left the embassy.

As she left she looked over at Councilor Skippy admiring some flowers and blew a single bubble.

Not only do I have to deal with Patricia I have this carpshit to worry about, she thought to herself, The Xvli, one of the most troublesome members of the Federation becoming friendly with the Terrans? Since when was Jon actually an ambassador?

Councilor Skippy waved to her happily. Director Axlea responded with a little wave of her own.

Axlea sat in her grav car as she watched Jon and Skippy walk out of the embassy and down the street. She smiled as she received a “Terran one finger salute” from Jon as they passed and shook her head. Not only was it a Terran and a Xvli it was those two in particular, Jon, the king of the assholes, and “Councilor” Skippy. Her infamy in the council was second only to the love with which she was held by her constituents.

That was a critical mass of trouble if she ever saw one. A real Terran/Xvli association wouldn’t just stop at popcorn. That she knew for certain. She just shrugged and decided that was one for her successor to worry about.

She almost felt bad for them already.

***

That evening Jon went out for a stroll and hailed a cab. He was soon in a less than entirely reputable part of town and walked into a nightclub.

He stopped by the bar to order a drink.

“Wanna party?” A formerly attractive human female, clearly on something, slurred as she slid in next to him.

“Just meeting a few friends,” he said as he nodded towards the back. The woman just shrugged and moved on to her next target.

Once he got his drink he walked to the back of the club and approached a nondescript door. A shaggy four limbed bouncer lounging nearby just nodded as he opened it and walked inside. He walked down a dark hallway lit only by faux-neon decorations and past a number of closed doors from some of which issued grunts and moans and opened the doorway at the end.

Inside was a much better lit and more tastefully decorated room. Sitting around a table were just over a dozen men, women, and Kalesh.

“Troops,” Jon said with a grin.

“Why the fuck did you drag us out here to this shit-hole?” a silver haired woman growled.

“It was the only place everybody knew how to get to without using computers… including you,” Jon replied as everybody laughed.

“So,” the woman said with a chuckle, “What the fuck is going on?”

Jon just sighed, sat down at the table, and took a drink.

“Hang on to your hats boys and girls,” he said and then drained the rest of his glass. “You aren’t going to believe this shit...”

Everyone’s expression became more and more grave as Jon continued.

“… so once again we are at the tip of the spear. Quite possibly the future of the Republic is going to be decided right fucking here.”

“… fuck...” the silver haired woman quietly replied. “So, Colonel,” she said after a few moments, “what are your orders?”

“For now, Ariana, do nothing, say nothing, see everything, hear everything,” Jon replied. “Business as usual. We have an embassy to run. As far as the vampire and her undead legion are concerned we need intel, a lot of it, before we move. We are only going to get one shot.”

“About that move,” Ariana said as she sipped her cocktail, “How exactly are we going to handle those people? I mean we are bad and all but their skills are legendary and they have had a long time to hone them.”

“I’ve made a few arrangements,” Jon smiled. “Toby has all the details. I need all of you to pay him a visit, one at a time, when nobody is looking, over the next few days. He will equip you all with red-tips and take your measurements.”

“Measurements?” Ariana asked with a grin.

“Measurements,” Jon replied with a toothy smile. “They can be as Kung-Fu Panda as they want but when it comes time for us to put our foot down it will be inside two centimeters of armor plate.”

Jon smiled as the room was filled with quiet snickering.

“Remember, we want to look unaware, weak, and stupid. Let them think you don’t know what’s up. Hopefully she will be too busy playing poison pill with Director Axlea and trying to fuck with my head to see you guys coming. We want to look like just a bunch of dumb jar-heads until then.”

“We are just a bunch of dumb jar-heads, sir,” Glenn, a lean, scarred man shouted as everybody laughed.

“Ok, as far as communications goes,” Jon said with a smile, “Do all of you have your old corps handbooks?”

Most of them shook their heads.

“No problem. Toby has those too. Are you familiar with the concept of a ‘code-book’?...”