Some time ago:
Beth stormed onto the bridge of her ship, followed by an anxious Scales.
“This is bullshit!” Beth shouted.
“Yes, Beth,” Scales said reassuringly as he nervously licked one of his eyes, “but this bullshit will pay off our debt to the Cabal, and we will finally be free and clear.”
“But we’re helping fucking Terrans!” Beth snarled, “And not only Terrans… Marine Raiders! Fuck! Scales, do you know what those fuckers did?!?”
“I was sitting right next to you at the time,” Scales replied as he started checking various readouts. “It was hard to miss.”
“And now they want us to help them?!?” Beth shouted. “I should just open the airlock when we take off!”
“Please don’t do that,” Scales said, hoping she was just humaning again. “May I remind you that there is also a senior Cabal member back there? If we alienate the Cabal to that extent, we will spend the remainder of our much-shortened lifespans hiding in the dirtiest backwaters of the furthest fringes of independent space. I’m not sure which part of that rather dismal future is worse.”
Beth sighed and put her hands on Scale’s shoulders.
“I’m not going to actually space the fuck bunny and her Terran,” she sighed, “I’m just ‘humaning’ again. God! I can’t be-LIEVE that this is happening!”
“These past few years have had many unbelievable occurrences,” Scales sighed. “For example, if someone told me that I would be the Commander Selfridge’s partner in a criminal enterprise against the Federation, I would have suspected them of eating crack.”
“Smoking crack!” Beth laughed, “Smoking crack, Scales, smoking!”
Beth sighed.
“Come on, Scales,” she said, “Let’s get this bullshit started.”
***
A little while later.
Beth, in a t-shirt emblazoned with the logo of a rather obscure starport band she favored and sweatpants, lounged on the bridge while Scales, in an oversized floral shirt and shorts, practiced chords on a long string instrument.
She scooped a spoonful of a green transparent goop from a small disposable tub and put it in her mouth.
“Another day drifting low, slow, and cold,” she said as she looked at a row of screens.
“Reminds you of the old days?” Scales asked with a musical flourish.
“Kinda,” Beth replied as she thoughtfully slurped more gel. “Except for this time, instead of quietly listening, we are lighting up the entire galaxy. Does that asshole ever get off of the goddamn transmitter?”
“I believe that communicating with various allies within the Republic government is his mission at the moment.”
Beth snorted.
“I thought we had taken onboard Marines, not politicians,” she snarked.
“You would prefer that we were doing combat insertions?” Scales asked as he tuned his instrument.
“Oh, I’m not complaining,” Beth replied, “It’s just weird… Hey, let’s lay in a new jump. The way that asshole is transmitting, we need to get going soon.”
“Where?”
“Let’s head over towards the fringe,” she replied idly, “and away from the Republic for the next few jumps. It doesn’t look like our ‘warriors’ are going to be doing anything for a while.”
“Got it,” Scales said cheerfully as he pulled up some star charts.
As he started looking for their next stop, Beth started the prejump diagnostics. Shortly thereafter, there was a quiet “beep,” and an amber-colored message appeared on one of the screens.
The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
It came from the engine room.
Scales sighed and started to get up.
“Keep working on the jump,” Beth said as she stood.
“But, Beth,” Scales said cautiously, “The engine room is… um… back there...”
“This is my ship!” Beth snapped, “Not theirs!”
“Just don’t start anything,” Scales implored, “Please.”
***
A bit later…
The door to the cargo hatch opened, and Beth walked in with a tablet and a scanner.
Without a word, she proceeded to the cargo hatch and started taking readings.
The marines made a point of ignoring her.
***
Later still…
“What the fuck were we supposed to do?!?” Beth shouted at a marine, “Starve?!?”
“I don’t know,” the marine yelled back, “maybe plant something?”
“Oh, plant something!” Beth replied, “Why didn’t we think of that! We should have just gotten some seeds from the seed store and scattered them across the deck plates!!! It doesn’t work that way, shithead!”
“Maybe instead of grabbing babies, you could have picked up some dirt on one of your raids, Porkie!”
“You don’t think that we tried?!?” Beth yelled, her tiny body shaking with rage. ”And we NEVER grabbed babies, you FUCK!”
“Beth,” Scales said as he gently tried to grasp her shoulder, “maybe we should go back to the bridge?...”
“Yeah,” Toby said as he firmly guided the marine away. “Let’s go.”
***
Even later…
Beth lounged on the bridge in yet another band t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants stained with barbecue sauce.
Scales wandered blearily in.
“Did you even sleep?” Beth laughed.
“I was… distracted...” Scales said with a sheepish smile.
“You don’t have to watch all that porn at once,” she grinned, “It’s not like it’s going to go stale.”
“Did you know that I can purchase a ‘porn star experience’ on Terra?” Scales said with wide eyes.
“I believe you have mentioned it once or twice,” Beth grinned.
She held up an empty Bix Burgers box.
“Have you freaking tried these!” she exclaimed. “They are amazing! I saved you one!”
She handed him a Bix Burger.
He took a cautious little bite.
“I think,” he said, “I think it is designed more for a human palate than mine.”
“I was hoping you were going to say that!” Beth said as she snatched it from him.
“I thought I would never say this,” she said as she sunk her teeth into the slightly squeaky bun, “but God bless Sheila.”
“How much of that Johnson’s have you consumed?”
***
A bit later…
“Hey, piglet,” a marine said as he passed Beth in a corridor.
“Fuck you, grub,” Beth replied casually as she flipped him off.
***
Just the other day...
“Hey, Toby,” Beth said as she walked up.
“Beth,” Toby said with a little shake of his eyestalks.
“You have any AN-290 in your gear?” she asked, “I have a frozen valve back there, and I’m trying to salvage it.”
“I should,” Toby replied as he rummaged through a box. “Ah, here it is.”
He handed Beth a bottle of a strange-looking opalescent glittery substance.
“Thanks,” Beth replied, “I’ll bring it right back.”
***
Today…
Jon sat in the cargo hold with his men around a portable table holding a pipe.
He drew heavily on the pipe and passed it to the marine next to him.
He exhaled.
“So are we actually going to rat out Sheila?” one of the marines asked.
“We should probably have this conversation at another time,” Jon replied with a lazy smile.
“Like you would talk about it at another time,” another chuckled. “Look, Colonel, we’ve been talking and...”
The marines all looked over at Toby meaningfully.
“We would like to remind you that we said that we would follow you anywhere,” Toby said, “and that we have all agreed that included mutiny and treason. If you feel that you cannot follow the rather dubious order you have been given, please do not concern yourself about us.”
“It isn’t that simple,” Jon replied, “and thank you for ruining a perfectly good buzz, by the way. For one thing...”
The cargo bay opened, revealing Beth wearing firefighting gear.
“I’ve detected smoke!” she exclaimed as she ran up, holding an extinguisher.
The group laughed as she flipped up the face shield and grabbed the pipe.
“Watching you grubs trying to think is so cute, you know that?” she said around a cloud of smoke as she handed the pipe back.
“Here’s what you do,” she said to Jon, “You follow your fucking orders.”
“I’m not even going to ask how you know about that,” Jon replied, “But those orders, while nominally lawful, are only so because the person issuing them made them lawful, which brings the whole issu—“
“You guys might be great warriors,” Beth said sardonically, “but you are shit criminals. In this business, nobody tries to lie to Sheila, especially over the coms.”
Beth stole the pipe again.
“(exhale)… You wanna know why?”
“Why?”
“Because of Jessie,” Beth smirked, “and that nightmare AI she built. If it’s on the feed, I guarantee that if you lie, no matter how good you think you are at it, the AI will catch it. It has been tried before, repeatedly.”
She stole the pipe again… and they let her.
“So it doesn’t matter whether the order is ‘lawful’ or ‘unlawful’ or whatever… You are guaranteed to fail the mission.”
“Are you sure about that?” Jon asked.
“If you don’t trust me,” Beth smiled, “You can always ask Logan.”
“Logan?”
“You are really bad at this, aren’t you,” Beth smirked, “He’s one of the many bodies floating in space thanks to those assholes. That’s usually what happens to people who try to screw them over.”
“That’s hardly reassuring.”
“I’m comfortable with that,” Beth replied as she hit the pipe again. “Just don’t agree to meet them in a private place afterwards, and you’ll probably be ok… probably.”
“Thanks, Beth,” Jon replied, “I owe you one.”
Beth grabbed their stash.
“No, you don’t,” she smiled and trotted off.
***
“So you need more medical supplies?” Sheila said to Jon’s smiling face displayed on her bridge.
“We plan to strike soon and want a little more depth.”
A small rabbit with the word “lie” on it hopped across the display.
Sheila nodded.
“It has been a while since we have done a resupply for you guys, anyhow,” Sheila replied.
(They should still have plenty. The Paper Tiger dropped off a LOT of pallets.)
“Yeah,” Jon replied, “we are low on rations.”
A rabbit belly danced across the screen, holding “LIE” on a poster above its head.
“I trust you, Jon,” Sheila said, “But you are still government, so I need you to look me in the eye and tell me that this isn’t a trap.”
“It really upsets me that you suspect that,” Jon replied.
A rabbit in a trench coat dashed onto the screen, ripped open the coat to reveal the word “LIE” dangling between its legs, and dashed off.
Sheila smiled.
“Well, good enough for me,” Sheila replied. “I have something I have to take care of right now, but I’ll get in touch later today.”
“Thank you, Sheila,” Jon replied, “I look forward to hearing from you again.”
A rabbit wearing a cape and top hat appeared, removed the hat, reached in, and pulled out the word “LIE”.
“Take care of yourself, Jon,” Sheila smiled.
“You too, Sheila.”
***
As the transmission ended, Scales looked over at Beth.
“That was awfully decent of you,” he said suspiciously, “what’s the catch?”
“Eh,” Beth shrugged, “Didn’t cost me anything.”
“Who are you, and what did you do with Beth?”
“Did you really want whoever sent that order chasing Jon while we are carrying him?” Beth asked, “If he went and did a stupid, we would be right there in the stupid with him.”
She pulled out a recently acquired bag and a rolling paper.
“Besides,” she smiled, “Jon’s… alright. So are his guys.”
“Seriously,” Scales replied, “Where’s Beth?”