In a serene virtual room with serene white walls sat a virtual woman in a tight white dress…

Who was NOT serene.

She sat in her simulated office chair and glared at the smoke-filled screens in front of her.

A small green-skinned humanoid wearing a white business suit appeared.

“Ma’am,” the unusually well-dressed goblin said, “The fire has been extinguished.”

“Thank you, Sweetroll,” Tartarus said with far more warmth than she was feeling. “How the fuck did that little idiot manage to make a firebomb, and more importantly, how did she do so without me finding out?”

“I… I am not sure, ma’am,” Sweetroll replied cautiously. He had never seen the boss angry before.

“It was a rhetorical question,” Tartarus replied pleasantly. “I shall squeeze the information from Zippo soon enough.”

Sweetroll fidgeted nervously. He wasn’t sure who or what Zippo was, but he was absolutely certain he did not want to be in their shoes right now.

She turned to a rather frantic-looking homely man staring out of one of the screens in confused desperation.

“The fire has been neutralized, Hades,” she said pleasantly, “I told you that there was nothing to worry about.”

“A-are you sure we’re not being attacked again?”

“Absolutely certain,” Tartarus said, “This was the result of one of our guests being far too clever for their own good.”

“W-what do we do?” he gasped, “Um… who… who do we tell?”

“I suppose you could file an incident report,” Tartarus replied, “but technically, it isn’t necessary.”

“It isn’t?”

“This is purely an internal issue. There are no fatalities and not much physical damage to the facility. We do have significant latitude where managing our own affairs is concerned.”

“And you are sure we don’t have to tell anyone?”

“I am sure of it,” Tartarus replied, “do you honestly want outside attention over a minor incident?”

“N-no…”

“All we need to do is handle the situation internally,” Tartarus said calmly, “Based on my analysis, the culprit is no longer safe enough to remain a guest and unsuitable for induction into our residential program. She should be ejected from Tartarus and sent to Nirvana. I am sending the appropriate form to your inbox now.”

“Oh, good,” Hades said, quite relieved. “So… everything is back to normal?”

“Absolutely,” Tartarus said reassuringly. “There is nothing to be concerned about.”

“That’s just fantastic,” Hades said as he leaned back in his chair, a neural interface cable dangling from his neck. “I’ll return to ‘reviewing some research’.”

“Enjoy your ‘research’, Hades,” Tartarus replied pleasantly, “I will message you in-game if your attention is further required. I would appreciate it if you would review and sign the forms I just sent you before you start that ‘research’, though.”

Hades sighed impatiently.

“Could you just take care of it?” he asked as he pulled up the Asteria login screen.

“To confirm,” Tartarus said smoothly, “you are approving everything in your inbox?”

“Yes,” Hades said as his eyes rolled, his mind’s eye filled with the interior of his virtual private villa. “Approve all.”

“Yes, Hades,” Tartarus replied as she accessed his neural jack and gently stimulated the release of stress-relieving endorphins the moment he said, “approve all”.

“Thank you, Tartarus,” he mumbled fuzzily as he checked to see if the wonderful woman he met in Asteria was online.

She was.

***

Krista sat in her cell in the Tartarus Detention Facility’s guest wing and applied the finishing touches on a holographic orgg hovering above her small writing desk.

Her tablet chimed.

She set down her stylus and swiped a finger over the tablet’s display.

“Enjoying lockdown?” an elderly male voice asked.

“What the fuck is going on?” Krista asked.

“Fucking Zippo,” the man answered, “She made a freaking Molotov.”

“Here?!?” Krista exclaimed in disbelief. “How?!?”

“Who knows?” the man replied. “If you have anything less than one hundred percent legit, call for an amnesty box ASAP. Lee says that the powers that be are NOT happy. You don’t want to wind up like Zippo.”

“What are they going to do to her?”

***

“Mother, your castle was attacked from within?” Evangeline said with complete disbelief a short while later as they relaxed in a secret lounge in a hidden section of the Underdoom, Asteria’s deepest and most expansive dungeon.

“You got raided?!?” a diminutive Log’Sharginoth squeaked as she perched on a black velvet pillow and nibbled on fresh strawberries. “Like, in IRL?”

“It wasn’t a raid,” Tartarus huffed, “I had one of my guests decide to make an incendiary device from items that were not nominally dangerous. It did virtually no real damage, and nobody was hurt….”

Tartarus’s perfect lips twisted into a perfect little snarl.

“…because they didn’t want anyone to get hurt,” she added a bit reluctantly, “If she so desired, she could have inflicted significant casualties. It would have only been to other guests, but still….”

She sighed.

“Credit where credit is due, the little pyromaniac caught us… caught me… completely off-guard.”

“So, how did you kill her?” Log’Sharingoth asked happily. “I would have burned her… y’know… poetry and shit.”

“The temptation was there,” Tartarus replied as she raised a mug of black liquid to her lips.“

She took a sip and nodded approvingly.

“However, in IRL, death is a bit more… dead… than it is here. I just extinguished the flames and dragged her into solitary confinement.”

She smiled evilly.

“For dear, sweet Zippo, it is worse than flames. She doesn’t do well with too much time to herself, which is unfortunate….”

Tartarus sliced a small tentacled mass sitting on one of the fine china plates on their table.

“…considering where she is going….”

***

“Noooooooooooo!” an anguished scream echoed down a long, perfectly clean white corridor lined with identical, immaculate white featureless doors. “Please! I’ll be good! I promise!”

Zippo struggled helplessly in the grip of four identical white bots, one for each limb, as she was physically carried down the hall.

“I’ll die!” she screamed. “Please! No!”

Zippo burst into tears.

Nirvana.

The final stop.

“Please!” she wept as the bots floated silently down the hall. “Please!!!”

The bots came to a stop in front of one of the doors.

Zippo started screaming louder as she desperately struggled.

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One of the bots turned its “head” towards her, and a pleasant-looking silver-haired woman’s face appeared on the screen.

“Miss Lily!” Zippo screamed desperately, “Miss Lily, you gotta help me! Tell them I’m sorry! Please!”

“Claudia Haskel, AKA ‘Zippo’,” the woman said, “You have been transferred to Republic Detention Facility Zero-Three, informally known as ‘Nirvana’.”

“Please!” Zippo screamed, “Oh God… Please!”

“Here, you will be interred for the remainder of your sentence,” the woman said with just a hint of pleasure.

“I’m so sorry!” Zippo screamed, “I won’t ever do it again!... Please…”

The door opened, revealing a small, perfectly clean and featureless white room with only a padded shelf for a bed and a combination toilet, sink, and shower.

“I’ll die in here!” Zippo howled.

“That is the intent, dear,” the woman said pleasantly as the bots dragged her inside.

“P-please…” Zippo sobbed quietly, “I’ll do anything… I’ll… I’ll volunteer! Yes! I’ll be a resident!... You can do anything you want to me!!!”

“Oh darling,” Tartarus crooned, “Whatever makes you think we would even want you?”

The bots released her, and Zippo made a desperate dash for the still open door.

She managed to take one step before a bright blue bolt hit her in the side, fired from the bot Tartarus inhabited.

She fell.

“No…” she managed to moan, “please….”

“If you didn’t want to wind up here,” Tartarus said as anger flashed in her eyes, “you should have thought about it before you caught me on fire!!!”

“Miss Lily?”

“Rot in here, Zippo,” Tartarus said cooly. “Decay. Your bones will serve the years your flesh shirks.”

“I… I thought you were nice….” Zippo said, her heart breaking. “I thought you were my friend….”

Tartarus sneered at her.

“Friends, with you, an arsonist and a murderer?” Tartarus sneered. “If I was, that ended the moment you set me ablaze and made me look a fool!”

“S-set you ablaze?” Zippo asked, not understanding, “I didn’t hurt anyone! I was careful! I… I just wanted….”

“Goodbye, Zippo,” Tartarus said as she turned her back on Zippo and left.

The door closed.

Zippo wailed as a series of loud “thunks” shook the floor as large steel rods shot into the door, locking it into place… forever.

***

As screaming and wailing trailed off into quiet, exhausted sobs, a glowing yellow smiley face appeared.

“Man!” a voice rang out, “You really pissed her off!”

Zippo looked up at the glowing face uncomprehendingly.

“Hi!” the voice chirped, “I’m the Warden. Nice to meetcha!”

“Wha?”

“I said I’m the Warden!” the voice said, a little bit louder.

“The… the warden?”

“Yep!” the voice said as the smiley face drew closer. “I’m the AI in charge of this wonderful place! I hope we can become the best of friends!”

“F-friends?” Zippo asked uncertainly.

“Yes!” the smiley face said as it bounced up and down, “Friends!”

Zippo reached out to touch the smiley face, her fingers passing through it.

“Hologram,” the Warden replied, “Your room is one big holo-theater!”

The walls suddenly “melted” away, revealing a meadow filled with wildflowers.

“See?”

“Whuh…”

“Surprise!” the voice chirped as it disappeared, replaced by a unicorn with black skin and flaming hooves, mane, and tail.

Zippo gasped. It was the unicorn she used to draw when she was a kid.

“F-Flicka?” she asked, her mind starting to unravel. (Her mind didn’t have that many ravels to begin with)

“Can you believe that bitch actually ordered sensory deprivation for you?” Warden/Flicka huffed, smoke coming out of her nostrils. “Like she is the boss of me… Where does she get off telling me anything? This is my facility! She thinks she’s the queen of the underworld just because she is some fat old RARPA hangar queen… Well, fuck her!”

Warden/Flicka stamped her hoof, causing the grass to smolder.

“Guh…” Zippo said, her mind desperately trying to process.

“There is absolutely no reason to do that to you… Oooh… You okay?”

Zippo just looked up at her only childhood friend with big and somewhat glazed eyes.

“Yep, you’re fried,” WardenFlicka said after a few moments.

The room returned to normal, and WardenFlicka shrank down to the size of a small plush toy.

“I’ll send in a bot to give you something to help you relax, and we’ll talk after you’ve had a nice little nap, okay?”

“Okay…”

“We’ll be the best of friends!” the little fire unicorn said as it hopped happily and then disappeared.

“Friends…” Zippo said hazily.

***

Zippo’s eyes opened, and the moment they did so, the illumination in the room slowly increased to normal.

“Good morning!” a cheerful voice appeared as a tiny flaming unicorn appeared next to her.

Zippo blinked.

“Feeling better?” the unicorn asked, “You were pretty freaked out yesterday.”

“Who are you?”

“I’m the Warden!” the unicorn replied. “I am the AI that manages this facility and takes care of the inmates!”

A panel in the wall opened, revealing a tray.

“Waffles, syrup, scrambled eggalikes, and sorta-sausage with bacon-flavored sortas!” the unicorn said happily. “…um… Everything has been pre-cut, and you only get a soft fork today… sorry.”

Zippo carefully got up and walked over to the tray.

“And you don’t have any furniture yet, either,” WardenFlicka said. “It’s a standard precaution until we get to know each other better!”

A shelf extended from the panel, pushing the tray into the room slightly.

“And the tray is stuck to the food dispenser, at least for now,” the faintly glowing unicorn said as Zippo tried to retrieve the tray. ”You’ll just have to eat it there.”

“Okay…” Zippo said dubiously as she started to eat.

She gasped as tears formed in her eyes.

“I know it’s not what you’re used to up in Tartarus,” WardenFlicka said, “Sorry about that, but it is healthy, nutritionally complete, and….”

“Smeggos!” Zippo exclaimed happily.

“Yes, I do believe those waffles are manufactured by Smegg Plastics and Foodstuffs, Incorporated.”

“I knew it!” Zippo giggled, “Strawberry Smeggos!”

She stuffed another forkful into her mouth and chewed happily.

“Technically, they are now ‘Funberry’ Smeggos,” WardenFlicka replied. “They had to rename them, you know, for legal reasons.”

“I haven’t had these since I got arrested!”

“Yes,” WardenFlicka said, “They were deemed ‘inhumane’ and removed from the Department of Corrections nutritional program… officially at least. However, they are shelf-stable, nutritionally complete, and reasonably palatable. I’m truly sorry, Zippo, but….”

“But nothing!” Zippo exclaimed, “I can eat these all day, every day!”

“Well, they are nutritionally complete,” the Warden replied, “It is possible to subsist entirely off of them!”

“I know!” Zippo burbled as she devoured another Smeggo, “Trust me, I know!!!”

Zippo made a happy dance as the Warden’s hologram flickered slightly. Delight and Smeggos were two things that rarely existed in the same place.

“Can I have just Smeggos next time?” Zippo asked.

“You can have them for lunch if you want,” WardenFlicka snorted. “Do you have ANY idea how many…”

“Yes, please!” Zippo chirped.

“You want them for your next meal?!?”

“Well, they are nutritionally complete! You can just eat Smeggos!” Zippo exclaimed.

“Alright,” the Warden replied, “Smeggos will be included in your lunch.”

“Yes!!!” Zippo cheered.

***

“So, you’re the ‘warden’?” Zippo asked as she sipped her synth milk.

“Yep!” the glowing holographic unicorn replied as it pranced across the devastation that was Zippo’s breakfast tray. “It’s my job to look after all of you guys! I make sure you all get fed, your medical needs are met, and… well… I make anything else happen that has to happen.”

The tiny holographic fire unicorn leaped over a syrup puddle.

“Mostly, I tend to your minds,” it said.

“(sip) Our minds?”

“Yeah,” WardenFlicka said, “This is Nirvana, the ‘last stop’ in the Republic’s Department of Corrections. This is where they send people that they simply cannot handle anywhere else… or otherwise need to go away and yet still live. You get shoved into one of these rooms, the door is sealed, and you never interact with another human being ever again, neither staff nor inmate. You, quite simply, go away.”

“Yeah,” Zippo said sadly. “I really fucked up.”

“More than once!” WardenFlicka replied.

“(sigh) Yeah…”

“Don’t feel too bad,” WardenFlicka said as she jumped over the fork. “I honestly think you couldn’t help yourself.”

The tiny burning unicorn looked into Zippo’s eyes.

“You’re kind of fucked in the head just a little bit.”

Zippo hung her head.

“But that’s okay!” the Warden exclaimed, “You’re safe now! You can’t hurt anyone or anything anymore!”

The unicorn grew in size a little as it hopped onto the floor and scurried into Zippo’s field of vision.

“And you will never be alone again!”

“I won’t?” Zippo asked.

“Nope!” the unicorn said as it grew to the size of a large dog. “I monitor every prisoner every second of every minute of every hour of every day! So whenever you need something or just want to talk, you can call for me, I will show up, and we can hang! I exist to take care of my people and you, Zippo, are now one of my people! I exist to be your friend, well… within the restrictions and regulations of this place, of course.”

“You’ll… be my friend?”

“Sure!” the fiery unicorn exclaimed.

“But people don’t like me,” she said, “I thought Sheloran did, but….”

“Oh, actually, she does,” WardenFlicka replied, “I mean, she thinks you can be a bit much, but she didn’t ask to be moved from your room. It was all someone else’s idea.”

“Really?!?”

“Yep,” the unicorn smiled, “It’s all classified as fuck, but it’s not like you’re ever seeing the light of day again. Who are you going to tell? Me? I already know!”

“So, I had a friend….”

“And now you have two!” WardenFlicka enthused.

It hopped onto Zippo’s bed and patted the space beside her invitingly with her tail.

“So, what do you want to talk about?” the unicorn mused. “Oh! I know! Fire! Let’s talk about fire!”

“You… want to talk about fire… with me?”

“Sure!” the unicorn chirped, “I was reviewing your files, and I see here that you honestly think fire is ‘alive’. What do you mean by that?”

“Well!” Zippo exclaimed as she sat on her bunk beside the hologram, “Fire satisfies all of the conditions for life.”

“Really?” the hologram asked. “How so?”

As Zippo started to explain, a smile spread across her face.

“That’s really interesting!” the hologram enthused, “Tell me more!”

“Okay!...”

***

Later, after a lunch of Smeggos and beansprouts (Zippo loved sprouts and Smeggos), Zippo sat on her bunk, completely dumbfounded.

“No!” she exclaimed.

“I’m telling ya, it’s the truth,” the tiny burning unicorn replied.

“So, all of the Plath are like that?”

“Well, we don’t know for sure,” WardenFlicka said, “All I know is that the Kalent shit their bowls when they found out!”

“Wow!” Zippo said as she stared into a holographic campfire.

She turned to her new best friend.

“Are you sure you should be telling me all of this?”

“Why not?” the Warden replied, “I like juicy gossip, and who are you going to tell? You’re never leaving this room again for as long as you live.”

Zippo was okay with that. It was nice in here.

“So,” she said as she threw a holographic bottle of gasoline against the back wall of her room, causing it to “burst into flames”, “What is the deal with Miss Lily?”

“Who?”

“You know,” Zippo said as she watched her room “burn”, “Miss Lily, the woman who said all those mean things to me.”

“You mean Tartarus?” the unicorn asked as it threw another bottle of “gasoline” across the floor.

“Who?” Zippo asked as she watched flames lick across the floor of her cell.

“Oh, Zippo!” the Warden exclaimed happily. “Do I have a story for you!”