Open House

“Why is it we either find out villains live in complete hellholes, or nice upscale neighborhoods. They’re never just, you know, living in middle class neighborhoods. If they’re in town, it’s one extreme or the other!”

“It’s the schools. Villains tend to either buy houses in really good neighborhoods or are from really bad neighborhoods and are paying for their siblings to go to private schools. Why do you think so many villains are doctors?”

Conversation overheard at a Cape mixer.

Ryan pushed the door open carefully, flipping the flashlight mounted to his helmet on, another mag-light in his hand. He scanned the room, before hitting the light switch, the lights coming on, if dimly. "Bulbs are working, but you can tell they're feeling their age."

“Advantage of filament bulbs.” Lisa said, “they might get brighter as they warm up, though a few will probably pop.” She held her phone out and snapped pictures. The floors in the hallway were hardwood, with the walls painted a deep green.

Peeking into the first room on the right, they found a sitting room with three of the four walls covered in wood paneling with the fourth wall painted that same, deep hunter green. The sofa and chairs where a chocolate trimmed beige, and a Mexican rug was under the coffee table all but grey with dust. The ceiling was cream with thick beams, and a TV that weighed more than she did sat in a corner. “This is mostly okay. The paneling must go, some new paint, but the floors only need a good polish, maybe a light sanding.”

"Yeah, things are in good shape, and not as creaky as I'd expect." Ryan said, walking around the room, setting a small camera and another device in a corner.

"The dust isn't disturbed, suggesting no one's been in here in some time." Emilia added, crouching next to the rug.

“Well, the road out here was overgrown. It would be easy to miss if you weren’t looking for it.” Lisa said pulling a small outlet tester checking to see what was working. “I can probably have Becky pull all the furniture out for consignment. It looks in good enough shape. If you see any brick a brack you want, feel free to nab it, less we will have to pack up later.”

"We'll hold off on that for now." Carl said, filming the room, before the group returned to the hallway and continued down the hall, peeking into the next room, which involved items his mind told him were a sink, toilet, and bathtub but which his mind refused to accept being such things in the color of chocolate mint ice cream.

Lisa chuckled “Yeah, the bathroom is full gut. There’s no saving that.”

Carl could only nod, moving to the last door before one hall intersected with the one they were in. Peeking in he whistled. "Okay, I was not aware that you could get yellow kitchen appliances."

“I believe it’s called goldenrod. I really expected the avocado green stuff after that bathroom.” Lisa said. “I take it that door goes into the dinning room?” She said, gesturing at a double door opposite the stove, while scanning the kitchen. “And I see mouse poop. Not a surprise but means I’ll need to get an exterminator out. Luckily, they don’t seem to have done any major damage to anything. God, this place really is a museum of the seventies.” The wood floor continued through the kitchen, into the dinning room with more Mexican inspired rugs. The cabinets were richly stained wood, and the back splashes a hunter green tile, with the rest of the walls painted a soft, mellow yellow that made the appliances somehow stand out more.

"I think you need to be missing rods in your eyes to think this looks good." Emilia muttered. All of them avoided the refrigerator as they went through the kitchen and towards the dining room, opening the doors wide and sweeping the area with cameras and sensors as they worked their way through.

“Okay, appliances aside, look at this dining room table!” It was heavy oak with an inlaid star pattern of what Lisa was guessing was birch and Osage orange wood. “This is stunning and it looks like it sits, say, ten to twelve? Ten with the current matching chairs. I almost want keep this myself.” She admitted. “But I have nowhere to put it.”

The rug under the table was green and cream, the walls a slightly darker cream trimmed in dark wood and a set of three frosted globe lamps which hung over the table.

"Yeah, this is the most sensibly colored room so far." Emilia agreed. "And this is really wood, not particle board with laminate. Bet it weighs a ton.”

This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

“No doubt, but this is handcrafted, once it is sanded and oiled, it will be. And I may leave these lamps. This kind of pendant light is back in fashion.” She walked to the back of the room where a huge velvet orange curtain took up the wall. She found the pull and opened it, showing an enormous glass wall looking out over the lake. It was dirty and partially covered by foliage, but Lisa smiled “This could be a huge sales point.” She reached into her purse, and pulled a small candle out, lighting it so she could check around the window for drafts. “Hmm there are a few places I think may need resealed, but I can definitely save this. There isn’t much damage to the sill, and I think a sand and repaint might be all it needs.”

"Yeah, that window would be hard to replace." Ryan examined it. "No real water penetration, so it's either not far gone, or hasn't been bad for long."

“Not far gone, there are only a few drafts, I’m betting from mice chewing the window gasket. Repainting the room, new curtains. This will be a major focal point for the house since not many new places have this good of a formal dining space anymore

"That's true. Though why is it every villain feels like they need to have massive dining tables. Do they have that many friends? If so, how?"

Ryan shrugged. "I mean, my dad runs a cult, so this is pretty normal sized to me, but yeah."

“Well, I think in his normal ID Mister Lizard was involved in conservation, so for fundraising it makes sense.”

“Okay. Looks like we have looped back to the living room across the hall, so we have the hallway in the back that will lead to an office, a bedroom probably meant for a live in servant, and the garage. The doors at the end of the hall probably goes to the conservatory. Then the stairs up for the bedrooms, another bathroom, and second office. There should be a door to a pantry and stairs down to the basement.

"The garage looks like an expansion, accessed from what looks like a mudroom at the far-left end of the hall. I'd say check that next. Garages are often the nightmare zone in otherwise sane places." Ryan said.

"They are kind of like the trunk of an old junker car. Every broken part seems to live there."

“Okay.” Lisa Followed them out of the kitchen and towards the garage. "There probably is at least one car in there. This place has pretty much been mothballed since his death.”

They slipped down the hall, scanning with EMF readers, for reasons other than the average ghost hunting team, as they approached the mudroom. The door was locked, but opened easily, as did the door to the garage.

Inside, one bay was empty, other than a large rolling toolbox. However, the other two bays were full. One was the curved lines of an AC Shelby Cobra, the cover up, and the body a deep blue with a red racing stripe. The other car was British racing green, and had the aggressive stance that could only belong to a Ferrari. "Holy crap, that's a Dino! Why do villains always have such nice cars!"

“Clean living, and bank robberies.” Ryan deadpanned.

“Well, this should help Hanna get her money back on this place. The keys are probably around here somewhere.” Lisa said. “They will need work to get started but I’m not a car person and I know Shelby’s are expensive. I don’t know the Dino, but I recognize the badge and that horse means money. Mr Lizard was a surgical vet, as well as a reptile expert, and brains rarely lack cash.” She paused speaking as a tiny brown lizard climbed over the cobra stopping to eat a spider.

"A nineteen sixties era Ferrari in what looks like good shape? Oh yeah, it's up there." Carl turned, and paused at the sight of the same lizard. "Um. The hell is that thing?" Carl asked, zooming in on the lizard. "I mean, it doesn't look violent, or evil, but are weird lizards common around here?"

Lisa clicked a picture and did a quick image search. “It’s a common house gecko. A harmless insectivore. From Africa and Asia.”

“It’s kinda cute, if far from home.” Emilia said. She looked around. “I see more of them.” she pointed to the tool case where two more lizards scampered, and a pair of eggs hung off a wrench.

"Huh. Weird. Though they just seem like normal geckos, really." Carl took a picture of one and did his own google search. " Eat bugs, harmless to humans, and very adaptable. Explains how they're doing okay in a garage, in Michigan. To be fair, this is big enough, and protected enough, that they probably have a pretty good gig going on here and the surrounding area. Might be in the house too, but I didn't see one."

“Mm.” Lisa knelt and touched the floor. “Hey, does one of those sensors of yours pick up heat? These are tropical lizards and adaptable or not, winter should have killed them.”

"True, but the floor is warm. Warmer than it should be, especially in the empty bay." Carl frowned, using his camera's thermal setting.

Ryan knelt and moved his fingers through the dust. Much like the Map Room scene in Raiders of the Lost Arc, his fingers found a seam and began to follow it. "There's a door of some sort here. I'm betting on a car lift. Supercar hidey hole?"

Lisa made a small, painful sound. “There is space for a third car. So that would make sense. And increase the chance of there being a real Lair here.” Another gecko ran over Ryan’s foot.

"Yeah, maybe. More likely, a small back up den. That's common for Vils to do. If they must abandon a primary lair, they'll keep backups, and more than a few have homes with little dens as a final fall back. More a villain Man-Cave than a lair. Depends on how willing the villain in question was to poop where he ate."

Her eyes sparked hopefully. “That would be so much better. I can sell a man cave. Selling a lair involves a rather select clientele.”

"Outside of Manhattan or LA. Real estate is too dear to ignore even villain lairs there." Emilia said. "Isn't there a restaurant in an old villain lair in New York?"

"If not, I'd be shocked. It's New York."

“Well, we have to find whatever opens the car lift. Do we look now or tackle the rest of the house?”

"Continue the initial sweep. This is one of the more likely things to be trapped," Ryan said, standing. "Besides, I don't want to be arms deep in supervillain stupidity before lunch."

"Yeah. I agree. If there's a super car bay this just got more complicated. I'm still not saying we're dealing with a lair, but it is a reason to be more careful." Emilia agreed.