The life of a farmer is hard and rarely rewarding, as a matter of fact I can’t remember when I decided to become one.

Before all shit broke loose in the world people only thought about being royalty, little kids played at being knights and almost all of them wanted to be magicians. The current fashion was to be an adventurer.

As I made my way to the bar I thought about how we’d gotten to this situation.

One month ago

I was hanging out with my pigs when I saw the rift open in the sky and stuff began to descend, my eyesight isn’t what it used to be, so “stuff” was the best way to catalogue it at the time. I wasn’t scared, I really don’t know why but I felt that whatever was coming down was either going to kill me or it wasn’t. Either way when you are a farmer the only thing that worries you falling from the sky is rain.

I decided to make my way to the bar at the center of the little village I lived in. I made my home in a backwater town all the way in the North of the continent where you rarely saw people with the ability to string more than two sentences together, or without the necessity to do so.

As I opened the door to the Inn I was greeted by a sight I was not expecting, people were talking.

Like I said before, talking was rarely necessary in this town. If you wanted something you pointed at it, if you agreed you grunted, if you disagreed you grunted and if you wanted to fuck you humped in the air and pointed (or maybe that was just me).

Anyways as I entered the shoddy looking building made of weathered wood I felt the heat of the fireplace remove the bitter cold from my bones. I could hear old man Turtle speaking with vigor “I heard from me wife that the Gods be coming down from the heavens!” he used his hands to point towards the ceiling and everybody looked up as if they would be able to see something other than roof.

Another person whose name I didn’t remember wondered “But Turtle isn’t your wife dead!”

“That’s exactly what I be trying to say! She came down from the rift yonder and spoke to me!”

I decided to interrupt “Turtle, let’s say for the sake of your story that I believe you saw your dead wife come from a rift in the sky. Your dead wife is NO God, how come she came down!?”

He gave me an unsure smile “Apparently she be whoring herself up to a God named Loki, she also told me to be careful, he be a mischievous God who likes to play people funny.”

I had never heard of the Gods Turtle was talking about so I decided to leave the group on the rickety wooden table and make my way to the bar.

I turned to see a familiar face.

Hog moved in to Fincas Nosu at the same time I did, I started planting my trees and buying my pigs and he started building his crappy bar. It was good for him that it was the only bar in town or else It’d be empty all the time.

“What can I do you for Kami?” the gruff voice of the fat man said my way.

“Give me something strong Hog, I feel the need to pass out by the time shit stops falling from the sky.”

The big bald man turned around and grabbed a glass bottle with yellow liquid “Piss fire it is.” He took a small glass poured the liquid in and hand it over to me.

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“So Kami, what do you make of all this talk of Gods and what not?”

I looked straight into my shot of piss fire remembering the words of old man Turtle “I don’t know Hog, I really don’t care”

I drank my shot and put my glass forward for a refill. The fat man poured some more.

“Kami, be reasonable now fool, there are things falling from the heavens what do you make of this!?” I looked up at the man from my sit at the bar and frowned. Just because I came from the city more than ten years ago they thought I had the answer to everything.

“We have to wait and see Hog, we can’t make assumptions from little information, right now the only information we have is, that Turtle’s dead wife is fucking a God named Loki and that there is a hole in the sky, how in the Seven Hells of Titan am I going to know what the fuck is going on?”

Hog felt mollified by my response, again we didn’t speak that much before today.

I wanted to keep drinking but all this talking had soured my mood. I rose from my seat without paying and left. Hog and I had a deal, I gave him pigs and olives for free, and he gave me room and drink for free. I felt like I was on the losing side of this agreement but up here in the North having a warm place to get shit faced was better than losing a couple of silvers. I nodded towards the rickety table with the group I had talked before and left before I caught their stupidity. Gods and dead wife’s….who would believe that?

Present day

I arrived at the door of Hogs crappy bar and old man Turtle greeted me with the ghost of his wife next to him, although she didn’t look like a ghost.

“Top of the morning to you Kami!” his crooked nose and dirty teeth smiled my way.

I looked his way and sighed “Hello Turtle, but it’s not morning friend it’s already midnight.”

I put my coat on the hanger near the door and nodded towards his dead wife, who wasn’t really that dead.

She had the audacity to call my way “Sweet Kami, how’s me lover treating you?” she was referring to Loki, I couldn’t understand how someone in their right mind would touch that woman, she looked exactly like her not dead husband, but dead and with tits.

I shook my head in disgust and answered back “Tell him to come see me, I have a complaint, her creepy lover is making my eyes sore.”

Turtle just smiled without answering back, I guess having his wife back had made him oblivious to insults, Tula shot me a nasty gesture with her hands and I shrugged my way to the bar.

“Hello handsome, what can I do for you today?”

Now I know you might be thinking I am very pessimistic about all this, but if this situation with the Gods had any benefits they were standing right in front of me, two very big benefits to be exact.

“Hello fair lady, May I have something to quench my thirst?” I asked the woman behind the bar, Hog for some reason had gotten this beautiful woman to start attending instead of him, and business was booming. Our arrangement still held, but I was sure as all hell that I was in the winning side of the agreement now!

“Of course love” the woman with big tits whose name I didn’t yet know turned around and provocatively leaned down to grab a glass.

I saw that it was totally unnecessary because there were glasses right next to her, I guess she was just provoking me and succeeding. I thanked her for the drink and downed it asking for another.

“Is something wrong handsome?”

I looked her straight in the eyes, something particularly hard, and answered truthfully “Yes, everything is wrong! I am tired of getting adventurers in my farm trying to get olives to find Jesus, I don’t know Jesus! I am tired of having Loki screw around with my trees and pigs a few months ago I had no idea what a Loki was! I am tired of having to fight stupid giants and I am particularly tired of not knowing your name.”

The woman with big tits stretched her hand to grab my face and caressing my cheeks answered “Oh sweet Kami, it will only get worse, and if you want to know my name meet me tomorrow morning here at the bar. Hog will be sleeping and you and I can get to know each other better.” She winked at me as she left me alone on my chair and went to attend other customers.

My plan was to get hammered and sleep on the floor tonight, but the woman with bit tits had suggested an excellent morning if I was there early tomorrow, I wasn’t going to pass that up. I drank my glass stood up, nodded towards the dead and undead couple, opened the door and felt the cold seep into my bones again.

As I made my way towards my farm I thought about how my trees would be doing with the cold, I would have to heat them up somehow or they would die. I arrived at what used to be my home but now was a reception area, and fell asleep on my bed.

As I fell asleep I noticed I had learned something new today, the woman with big tits also had green eyes.