I fell asleep with a smile on my face after antagonizing the group of men playing cards, if I was not getting laid then nobody would be happy tonight.

Tomorrow was going to be a long day going down the mountain and according to Drógar we were close to finding other adventurers on the trail to Jesus’s mountain.

My bones felt like shattering when I awoke and I called upon fire to heat my body.

“You should really stop doing that” Cora told me as she cleared up the camp.

“Why?” I asked as I stretched my muscles from the morning rust.

“Your body hair will never grow back.”

I looked at my hands and saw that effectively the little hairs that had grown back in the las few days had already disappeared. I would miss them.

“Better hairless than cold.”

I made my way past her and went looking for Alfar and Drógar who were already set on leaving.

“Are you ready?” the leader of the group asked me.

“I am.”

He grabbed his massive sword from the ground, put it across his back and yelled for the group to start moving. The going was slow due to Samuela who for all her good qualities wasn’t much of an adventurer. The mountain began to lose the cold as we approached the bottom and Drógar was getting excited.

“If I am not mistaken in little less than an hour we’ll arrive at another group of adventurers. Let’s hope they have useful information.” The rogue continued forward without stopping and the rest of us just plodded along without many words being spoken. Just the way I liked it.

Having the time to think as we walked I wondered about various things.

I thought about Loki and his wife. What were they planning to do with our world? Before the mages opened the rift in the air I had never heard the name of any of these gods and now they were a part of our lives whether we wanted it or not. Maybe I’d been asking the wrong questions to the group around me, I needed more information to understand what was happening to our world. Up until now I had just followed the group blindly because I had nothing better to do and was hoping they could lead me to a new place where I could farm. Maybe tonight I would ask more questions.

 We reached the bottom of the mountain in just about an hour and like Drógar had said before there was a camp of adventurers waiting.

“Well met!” Alfar greeted the camp from afar waving to let them know we came in peace.

A small man with a thin mustache stood up from the adventurer’s camp and greeted the tall man back.

“Well met stranger, may I ask what you are doing this far north?”

The group of people behind him fidgeted with their weapons, as our party leaned on theirs.

“We were on our way to find Jesus’ mountain, we were hoping you could help us with information.”

The small man shook his head in disgust. “What mountain? It was all a lie, we have been roaming this area for the past month and there has been no sign of any holy thing in a peak or cliff in the area. There is critical information missing on the papers or we have chosen the wrong side. Maybe we should try the east.”

Alfar made a face “Which messenger god guides you?” The small man turned and asked a woman to approach. The woman was like the man small and frail but with very kind eyes, at least that’s what I thought until I saw she was blind. “Turm, guides us through my daughter here.”

The frail woman gave us a bow, how she could tell where we were facing is beyond me. Alfar turned to the small woman. “And what does Turm say to you now?”

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The woman looked towards the sky and pointed towards me “We should follow the farmer.”

I did not appreciate the attention the group was bestowing upon me so I decided to step behind Alfar, he was big enough to hide me. Alfar ignored my childish action and asked Samuela. “Does Hermes agree?”

The mute woman drew a yes on the ground. Now everyone was looking at me.

“What?! You think I have any idea of what’s happening here? A year ago I was a rich olive farmer, a couple of days ago I was locked up by a goddess getting whipped every day and I had hair. What I want is to plant my last fucking olive and begin my farm from scratch.”

I put my staff on my back and feeling good about my outburst. The rest of the group looked at the mute and blind women for confirmation. The blind woman was the first to answer.

“Turm agrees with the farmer, we should begin his farm from scratch”

“Woah, Woah, Woah! Who said any of you were invited to my farm?” I had the undivided attention of both parties. “I came along in this madness of a quest to find a suitable place for my olives, clearly the north is not it.”

I dramatically pointed to myself “I….will be going south where the weather will allow my olives to flourish.” The mute woman interrupted me now writing on the dirt.

“No” she wrote. I looked at her with disbelief.

“What do you mean No?”

She then wrote “East” The blind woman nodded in agreement.

“Are you people crazy? I said I am going south.” I felt Alfar’s hand on my back. “The gods want you in the East famer, we will be going east.” I was kind of pissed now.

“Look you humongous piece of shit, you already saw how I burned the living crap out of three gods, you don’t want to get me angry. If I say I am going south, I am going fucking south.”

This did not sit well with any of the parties and everyone took their weapons out, I was calling upon fire when two gods appeared out of thin air.

“Stop this nonsense!” A skinny man with huge feet and winged shoes screamed our way. He was nothing compared to Loki and a lot smaller but he had the bearing of a god.

“Farmer don’t you understand you are needed? The world is spiraling towards Chaos and you are here squabbling about east and south. The decision is final you are going east!”

I used all the self-control in my body to not burn the living crap out of the god and asked through clenched teeth. “Then pray tell dear god, why the FUCK did we come North?”

Apparently the rest of the group was eager to know the answer to that question too, so they lowered their weapons and awaited the god’s answer. The flying god gave a sheepish smile “Well… that was an honest mistake.”

The other god who had just appeared but looked less powerful than the one that escorted our party decided to add his two cents “As gods we are not infallible, and most of us didn’t know each other before the rift to this world was open. The god named Jesus is clouded in mistery to all of us and like you we are gathering the clues from the scriptures that made their way to this world.”

Hermes acknowledged the information and looked towards the heavens “It is said that Jesus has the power to rival Zeus, and even though Zeus would be very helpful at this moment he is just frolicking around fucking every woman he meets. Like you, famer, my king has decided to ignore what is happening in the world and is just planting his seeds throughout the earth.”

It took a while for me to process all this new information, this Zeus guy seemed like my type of guy. I gave a sigh of resignation and used my last line of defense, I whined “But I realllyyyy don’t want to go East!”

My whining achieved nothing and Hermes addressed the group “Turm and I will be following from a distance, we will communicate through Samuela and Lara.” The mute and blind women nodded in acceptance and I sulked my way to a tree. I caressed the little olive that hid in the recess of my robe and reminded myself that I would need to plant it soon or it would not be able to grow to a strong tree.

Cora walked towards me and began a conversation I cared nothing about.

“It is unbecoming of a man to whine.”

I smirked at her opinion of me “Yeah well, it is unbecoming to force a man to do stuff he doesn’t want to do. Especially when said man could burn the shit out everyone here”

“Are you going to act like a little girl for the rest of this quest?”

I rummaged inside my cloak feigning to look for something and took out my hand giving her the finger.

“If you had any of that, you wouldn’t be bitching about going east.”

“You know very well I have a dick” She gave me a small smile “Yet I’ve never seen you use it, now have I?”

I grunted at the truth in those words and not wanting to give her the last laugh I kissed her, and fondled her ass just to be sure she understood who was boss.

“Everyone get ready!” I shouted “We are going east!”

Drógar came close to me “And who made you leader of this party?”

I gave him the finger and shouted at Samuela and her blind partner “Didn't the gods say follow the farmer?”

Both girls nodded my way, I smirked at Drógar and Alfar. I saw Cora give me a small smile and I felt my stomach drop.

I had no fucking idea on how to lead a party, I was just a farmer.