Jess felt like she was moments from suffocating. That was how tense the atmosphere in her carriage was. Granted, she was a bit on edge all of yesterday too. She spent the majority of that day alone with Fizzy. The golem fascinated her. She was a brilliant Artificer, and her mithril frame was a work of art by any sane person’s definition. At the same time, the construct was more than a little terrifying. Not only did she possess the strength to snap a gnome like Jess in two with one hand, but she clearly wasn’t ‘all there’ in the head. It wasn’t the extra personality that the blondie was worried about. She fully understood that Plus was the product of a Skill, not a mental illness. It was the odd things Fizzy herself said and did that put Jess on edge. Things that went beyond the realm of eccentricities and delved into the territory of pure madness.

This behavior was the cause of the gnome’s current distress. It wasn’t that big a deal that her travelling companion had disappeared shortly before bedtime without a word. Golems didn’t sleep, so Fizzy needed to keep herself busy somehow after sunset. That much Jess had expected and was fine with, but the way the Paladin returned from her excursion was definitely unacceptable. Getting covered in soot and blood was one thing, but that prisoner of hers? He was the meanest-looking hobgoblin Jess had ever seen. Okay, he was the only hob she’d seen, but he was still a gruesome sight. One arm was freshly torn-off at the shoulder, the other was literally nailed to his stomach with a massive nail through the wrist, and his neck bore a heavy collar cobbled together from mangled scrap. Even if he was ‘just a monster,’ surely there was no need to go that far. The other travellers in the caravan agreed, given the uproar they caused last night.

The worst part of it all was that Fizzy had decided to bring this ‘Scalper’ to Steelhead for some reason. This naturally meant that he had to be transported using the golem’s carriage. Or rather, Jessiwick’s carriage. That was the long and short of why the gnome wasn’t sharing her ride with just a living mithril statue, but also a chained-up and crippled greenskin. On the upside, Fizzy was keeping a close eye on her prisoner and making sure he didn’t do anything stupid. Unfortunately, she did this by keeping her modified bomb-flinging crossbow loaded and trained on him at all times. Nobody knew the dangers of having an armed explosive on a bumpy ride better than a Flamespitter Artificer, especially a jittery one like Jess. She trusted the golem would not cause an accidental discharge - her hand was impossibly steady even with all the bumps in the road. However, the potential for it strained on her nerves just as much as the greenskin’s glaring and grinning.

And then, as if all of that somehow wasn’t stressful enough, Alexei was in the cabin as well. The dwarf adventurer sat next to Jess, arms crossed and eyes seething with hatred at the two creatures opposite. He had an old grudge against the Scalper, and a new one against Fizzy. Apparently, his brother Kilroy had died on last night’s expedition. It was natural for the Berserker to be upset at such news, and not something he could blame on the golem in good conscience. However, he could very well take issue with the way Fizzy flat out forgot about the dead Rogue until she returned to camp and Alexei started asking questions. She had left him to rot, and his body was gone by the time the other adventurers sent out a retrieval party. They found plenty of dead greenskins, but no trace of the Rogue. So not only had Alexei lost family, but he couldn’t even return their remains to the stone as dwarven tradition demanded. His furious shouting last night had been entirely justified, even though it did wake up even more of the caravan. In a way, it was rather fortunate that the elder sibling was a Berserker. If not for the monumental amount of anger management that the Job required, he would have surely lashed out at Fizzy last night. That would not have ended well for anyone involved.

That was the long and short of how Jess found herself in the company of an armed and mentally unstable war machine, a savage and probably vengeful hobgoblin, and a furious and definitely vengeful dwarf. The tiny woman’s Tick Counter Skill assured her it had barely been twenty minutes since the carriage left, yet she could swear it had already been several hours. Thankfully, though it had taken him awhile, the adventurer next to her noticed his employer’s distress. Alexei kept his gaze fixated on the Scalper as he raised a hand and knocked loudly on the wall behind him.

“Yeah?!” came a shout from the driver. “You need something in there?!”

“Stop for a minute, will you? I think Miss Wobblebang would like to ride with you for a bit.”

The blonde gnome nodded so furiously it looked as if her head would come flying off her shoulders. The carriage came to a quick stop and she practically bolted out the door. The old man steering the vehicle helped up to his little perch and made sure she was settled in before he started moving again. The gnome panted heavily, relief washing over her as the frosty morning breeze brushed past her face. She looked at the massive white-haired rams pulling the stagecoach along, then gazed up at the cloudy sky. Even though the view was nothing special to most people, she found it strangely beautiful. This was mostly because, up until several weeks ago, she had been deathly terrified of the outdoors. She couldn’t have imagined that her acute agoraphobia would have been caused by a mild curse until Ms. Morgana identified it and Fizzy removed it. Jessie was eternally grateful to both of them, which was why she tried her best to put up with the golem’s… idiosyncrasies.

Meanwhile, back in the cabin, the atmosphere had somehow become more volatile. Now that the civilian was out of the way, the dwarf found himself radiating a lot more hostility. Whether this was conscious or not, the hobgoblin picked up on it and responded in kind. In direct contrast, Fizzy looked so bored that she probably would have tried to take a nap if she was physically capable of those. So far she’d been mildly entertained by the blonde meatbag’s squirming. With her sole source of stimulation gone, she was tempted to start beating her prisoner just so she had something to do. However, that might set off another argument with the hairy meatbag sitting across from her, which she really didn’t want to deal with. One way or another, the volatile situation was slowly escalating and it seemed only a matter of time before it bubbled over.

“You. I know you.”

The first to break the silence was none other than the Scalper himself, his words directed squarely at Alexei. The Berserker pulled back, eyebrows raised in surprise.

“Well shave my ass hairs and put them in my pipe. The savage speaks!”

“More like he won’t shut up,” the golem groaned.

Her prisoner had blabbed incessantly on the way back to camp. Surprisingly there was very little whimpering or anger at the lost limb, mostly just attempts at something resembling friendly banter. Fizzy almost broke his jaw just to shut him up, yet he piped up the instant the camped caravan was in sight and hadn’t said anything since. Until now, at least.

“Two years ago,” he kept going. “You and three more tried to sneak up on me boys, no? About two hours south of de fort, near dat troll den.”

“… I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Ye, you do. I don’t forget a face, pink-skin.”

“Is this important?” Fizzy butted in, sounding annoyed.

“Not unless you curious, boss,” the hob grinned.

“Sure, why not. What happened?”

The dwarf shifted uncomfortably. It was clear he really didn’t want to talk about that day.

This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

“Ah, we caught de rats, ya? Me boys wanted to put dem in da stew, but I know betta. I ransom dem out for food and furs.”

“Goroth’s bloody arse you did!” Alexei spat out. “We escaped because you savages can’t build a cage to save your life!”

“Did you, now? Or did I just let you run because you were paid for? Tink, pink-skin - why else do you tink we didn’t chase you?”

“Because you’re bloody idiots that lost our tracks?” the dwarf rolled his eyes.

“Hah! You say dat, but if we truly be idiots, and we caught you, den what does dat make you, ah?”

That was the straw that broke the donkey’s back. Alexei leapt from his seat, battleaxe already swinging at the smug green bastard’s neck. The hob didn’t even flinch as Fizzy intercepted the weapon, blocking its haft with the barrel of her bomb-thrower just before the blade reached its target. As insufferable as he was, this guy was her prisoner and her responsibility. Anybody that put a finger on him would have to answer to her. She’d made that abundantly clear to Alexei last night, but apparently he needed a reminder.

“Back off, meatbag,” she said firmly.

“… Sorry about that,” he did so.

“An excellent parry, boss!” the hob cheered. “I can see why de-”

The golem then smacked him across the face with her weapon hard enough to draw blood.

“I won’t tell you again, meatbag,” her voice was severe. “Shut it with the hollow platitudes, or your ass will find out what an incendiary suppository feels like.”

“Whateva you say, boss,” he rubbed his chin, though his face showed little sign of following through.

That whole interaction helped appease Alexei’s frustrations. It was only natural he’d want the mouthy shithead dead, but there were arguably worse fates. He imagined that being a shield-serf to such a heartless owner was definitely one of them, which was why he went along with the golem despite his personal dislike of her. Well, that, and he’d rather not have the two of them come to blows if he could help it. Furthermore, now that he’d calmed down a bit, he had to admit that the escape from two years ago did have some… strange circumstances surrounding it. He was almost certain the Scalper was baiting him into something, but Alexei couldn’t help but want to play along for a bit. There were still so many unknowns about the pointy-nosed freak, and this was his once good chance to get some answers. Maybe also a bit of closure.

“You say you ransomed us, but to who?”

“Ah! Now we be gettin’ somewhere! Finally be usin’ dat noggin for more dan a beard farm, I see.”

“Who, damnit?!”

“Why, de Mercenary Guild, of course!”

Alexei’s eyes narrowed.

“Since when do mercenaries negotiate with savages?”

“Since at least five years.”

“Bollocks.”

There was no way an international organization that large would have had dealings with this guy, let alone ever since he moved in. True, they were unquestionably shady and had their fair share of scandals over the years, but this was just preposterous… right?

“Is it? Den ask yourself - why is my bounty so low? How come no big shot adventurer or armed military came to kick me out? Is because I know people, and dose people know dat I work quick and cheap, so dey cover for me.”

“What… kind of work?” the dwarf hesitated to ask.

“I be keepin’ de other monsters in check. My tribe, we hunt dem for furs and meat. Any other goblin moves in on our turf, we crush them and take their stuff. Bandits? Same thing!”

“Uh-huh. Right. How very noble of you. And what about those traders you’ve raided over the years? All those lives lost?”

“Dey own fault for being stingy,” the hob shrugged. “If you do not pay for protection, den you should not be surprised when bad stuff happens.”

Alexei couldn’t believe his years. Surely this guy was just trying to get under his skin. But if that was all there was to it, then why was it so difficult to say he was wrong? The Mercenary Guild running an elaborate protection racket just… made sense. It was undeniable that adventurers across the Republic-Kingdom border region would have very little work if not for the guard duty that the Scalper’s presence basically mandated. Furthermore, now that Alexei thought about it, weren’t most of the people taking these gigs from the Mercenary Guild? As far as he was aware, at least two thirds of the other guards on this particular trip had taken their escort Quests from that place, himself and his brother included. Sure, he wasn’t a member and didn’t exactly approve of the organization, but work was work and this job seemed like it was on the up and up. Which, apparently, wasn’t exactly the case.

Great, just what I needed.

As for Fizzy, her thoughts on this supposed conspiracy were, unsurprisingly, entirely self-centered.

“What do you mean?” Plus questioned.

If this guy’s telling the truth, then by taking him down I’ve just pissed off the Mercenary Guild.

“Okay… so? I mean, I get that they’re all over the place, but what are they gonna do about it? Send goons to rough us up? We’re untouchable!”

The Parallel had a point, though not quite in the literal sense she was thinking of. The organization could very well send a team capable of taking down Fizzy, they certainly had the resources and the influence to make something like that happen. However, there was no way they’d be able to keep it quiet. A showdown of that magnitude was sure to cause immense property damage, the sort that was impossible to hide. Word would surely get out that the Mercenary Guild sent a hit squad on someone without a bounty, and that would cause them far more problems than the golem’s disappearance would solve. Especially if she just kept quiet about the whole Scalper conspiracy thing.

However, while she wasn’t worried about her personal safety, Fizzy had other concerns.

I was planning on doing some merc work to help fund my research, but I doubt they’d give me work if I’m on their shit-list.

“Oh. Darn… Oh well, I’m sure you’ll find some better way of making gold!”

I sure hope so. Any money the shop back in Erosa made was from curious morons, the occasional adventurer, or cheapskates looking for knock-off smithing services. Boxxy was the first real customer we had in years. And then the whole thing went up in flames. So, yeah. Artifice does not make for good business.

“But didn’t Jess make a small fortune off of her deal with the Republic? The whole thing with the minefield?”

Maybe she did, but I don’t see any more wars going on, Fizzy sarcastically pointed out.

“No, no, I mean, can’t we sneak our way into a government contract?”

Eh… I don’t know. I’d rather not have a bunch of stuffy meatbags bother me with regulations and deadlines. Also I’m pretty sure I’d need citizenship or someth-

The golem’s thoughts ground to a halt as her memory was grasping at something small yet vital to her plans. She suddenly put down her weapon and patted one of the ripped satchels strapped to her waist, confirming her fears.

“Shit,” she cursed aloud.

“Something the matter?” Alexei asked, a firm grip on his axe.

“Uh… Well… You see…”

While Fizzy’s mouth stalled with random words and sounds, her mind raced to figure out what to do. Her first thought was to come clean and admit what the issue was. The adventurer opposite her had a lot of experience escorting people along this route, so it was likely he knew what to do in this sort of situation. However, that would involve the pint-sized Paladin admitting that she had messed up in an extremely basic and mundane fashion. Fizzy did not make such plebeian mistakes. In fact, she didn’t make mistakes at all. Yes, of course! The one responsible wasn’t her, but the smug green bastard next to her!

“It’s all his fault!” she raised her weapon at the hobgoblin.

“Is it now?” the dwarf followed suit.

“Huh?!” the accused blurted out.

“It’s because of you that I lost my Republic passport!” the golem claimed.

“Wha’chu talkin’ bout?! I’z done nuthin’ but sit ‘ere for de ‘ole trip!”

The greenskin denied this so quickly that his accent momentarily thickened.

“It’s your stupid earth magic! And those annoying minions you trained! If all of you had just died peacefully, I wouldn’t have ripped open my document pouch!”

It would appear that the art of deflecting blame had been among the many unintentional lessons that Boxxy had given Fizzy.