I closed the door behind Lyili as she stepped into the musky little room.

“Hmph.” Her eyes scanned me up and down like she was inspecting a slab of meat. “I see you chose to dress yourself.”

“And I see you... chose to wear nothing.” Which was nothing new, of course. Being alone with her just made me very, very aware of it.

“Very humorous, Sir Allard,” Lyili said. Huh. I expected her to accuse me of ogling her. Instead, she smiled confidently and continued. “Perhaps you should consider a career change to the leader of the comedy squad.”

“There’s a comedy squad?” I assumed she was just being a smartass, but it was worth asking.

Lyili narrowed her eyes. “Of course there isn’t.” Smartass, it was then.

Damn. Comedy would have been a lot easier than this whole ‘law’ business. I could tell the king that Yaika wrote all my jokes and he’d eat them right up. Yaika would take all the credit without even questioning it. No one would be honest with themselves, and everyone would win.

I sat back down on the bed and looked up at Lyili. She stood there in the middle of the room with her arms crossed, glaring back at me like I was supposed to say something. She wanted a report? Fuck that. Maybe I didn’t want to talk about my time with the bloodthirsty fanboys. If she was going to force me to talk, I was going to waste her time until it was time to eat.

Ryley time-wasting powers activate.

“So do you always come to these parties?” I asked.

“Of course I don’t.” Lyili tilted her head, her smile only getting more smug. “I came because Princess Thorns asked me to escort her.”

“Uhh… She didn’t have any of her own guards to do that?”

“None with my skill set,” she said. What, was Thorns planning on having Lyili cut off some heads? Did she need her to provide condescending commentary? Was it just for the lack of clothes? All plausible.

Okay, I’d bite. “And what makes your ‘skill set’ so useful, exactly?”

“It’s quite simple, Sir Allard.” Lyili threw her long dark hair over her porcelain shoulder. “I am capable of carrying an umbrella for her without needing one of my own.”

I didn’t even know how to respond to something that dumb. Not to mention Brad could carry six.

“I see you fail to understand the utility,” Lyili continued happily. “You see, Sir Allard. Due to the heat in my body, rain will simply turn to steam upon contact with my skin. That is why I do not require an umbrella to stay dry.”

...I still didn’t see how that helped Thorns in any way. Whatever. Apparently it was something she was proud of.

I looked Lyili over out of the corner of my eye. Come to think of it, Brad had said she didn’t just choose to walk around nude. Her clothes would burn up, so she literally had to. Jeez. For being as diverse as it was, the demon world didn’t exactly do a good job incorporating demons like Lyili into it. Maybe that was why she had to appreciate little things like not having to use an umbrella.

“Wait a minute...” I pointed at the ground. “If you’re hot enough that rain turns to steam on your skin… Why doesn’t the carpet burn under your feet?”

“The bottom of a Flereous’ feet are not that high of a temperature, nor are the palms of our hands,” Lyili said with a smirk. “Even a child knows this, Sir Allard.” Okay, forget feeling sympathetic. Time to get back to wasting time.

“So you escorted Thorns all by yourself, huh?” I put my arms behind me on the bed and stretched out my back. “Come to think of it, I didn’t see your lizard girl.” I made sure to sound as patronizing as possible. “Who’ll wheel your guillotines around?”

“Mel has temporarily taken on my duties back at the castle,” Lyili didn’t even flinch at my bullshit. “I can assure you, the guillotines are being wheeled around just fine there.”

Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there.

“Oh.” I paused. “Well… uh, good.” I hadn’t expected her to take my question so seriously. Plus this created a whole new mess of questions. Did the guillotines need to be walked like dogs? Were they alive? Was the hole they put my head in their mouth or…

“Sir Allard.” Lyili’s voice brought me back out of stupid question hell. “Your report.” And right back into annoying demand hell we went.

“You really want a report?” I sighed.

“That is why I am here in your room.”

“And will you leave my room after I tell you?”

She moved her hand to her hips. “Correct.”

Ugh, fine. But I wasn’t going to like it.

I spoke as quickly as I could. “Bald vampire accused of trying to kill the count. I proved he didn’t do it. Real murderer tried to kill the count again and finished himself off before I could question him.” There. Report over.

“I already know all of that,” Lyili snapped at me.

“Then why are you bugging me to hear about it?” I snapped back. Lots of snapping going on.

“I’m asking to hear about your methods, Sir Allard.” She leaned down so that we were face to face. “How did you prove that he wasn’t the culprit?”

“I showed evidence.”

“What kind of evidence?”

“The kind that proved he didn’t do it.”

“Details, Sir Allard.”

That was it. I was ready to explode.

“Details? There are no details!” I yelled. “I basically just stumbled through the whole stupid thing! Can’t you tell that’s what I’ve been doing this whole time? I don’t know what I’m doing!” When the words left my mouth, it felt like my stomach capsized. What the hell was I saying? Why was I basically admitting to Lyili that I wasn’t a law expert?

Lyili looked back at me, eyes wide. Despite my outburst, she didn’t pull her face away from mine. She just looked at me without a word.

A bead of sweat dripped down my cheek. It was warm. I wasn’t sure if it was from embarrassment or from the heat coming off of Lyili. And my heart was going crazy. It felt like it would burst out of my chest. And then...

She kissed me.

I reflexively wrapped my arms around her as we toppled back onto the bed. Her body pressed against me, and her legs intermingled with mine as our lips locked in a passionate kiss. A passionate kiss that, despite expectations, didn’t sear my flesh.

So yeah, that was a plus.

After an impossibly long few seconds, we separated. Lyili’s long hair hung down, surrounding my head like a dark tunnel that connected my face to hers. We just stayed like that for what felt like minutes before she finally broke the silence.

“I had to shut your mouth, Sir Allard. You dare to say that you stumbled through our trials?” She avoided looking directly at me, her cheeks turning pink. “The mere fact that you sat under one of my blades and lived to tell the tale proves that you’re... doing just fine.”

Oh my god. Was Lyili actually being nice to me? Sure, she wasn’t congratulating me for saving innocent people or anything, but still. What she said was undoubtedly supportive. And somehow, that completely overshadowed the fact that we had just made out.

But we had definitely made out too.

“Now take it back,” Lyili’s voice went back to normal. “I will not allow my rival to belittle their accomplishments. It is the same as insulting me!”

“Fine… I take it back then…”

Uh-oh. I suddenly became very aware of a smell. A smokey smell that could only be described as… smoke. As in, my clothes were on fire.

“AHH!” I yelled, pushing her to the side and jumping up. The dress shirt and dress pants I had on were charred black and engulfed in flames. I struggled to pull them off, threw them to the ground and furiously stomped on them until they were out.

“Are you quite done?” Lyili stood up from the bed, which was already discolored from her body heat.

“You’re going to burn this whole place down,” I huffed. Holy shit, not making contact with flammable things must have been a full time job.

“Oh hush.” She moved closer. “All we’ve managed to do is get you out of your clothes faster.” She placed her hand on my chest and looked up at me. Was she… saying what I thought she was?

“Whoa, hold on,” I said, trying to take deep breaths. “You’re uh... really hot inside, aren’t you?” No other way to ask that.

“Yes, I am,” Lyili responded. “And you are impervious to magic, are you not?” She drove a hard bargain. Emphasis on the hard.

Just then, the door flew open. “Ryley! Ryley, come qui… OHMYGOSH!” Violetta shrieked, throwing her hands up in front of her eyes.

“Do you not understand the concept of doors?” I grabbed the burned remains of my clothes and tried to cover myself. This wasn’t even the first time she walked in on me in a state of undress. I guess the first time didn’t really count because of mind control, but I was still mad about it.

“M-Madam…” Lyili grabbed Violetta by the shoulders and shook. “This is a misunderstanding!”

“I-It is?” Violetta asked as her head was jerked back and forth.

“Yes, a misunderstanding.” Lyili was practically burning now. “Sir Allard and I were simply… testing the strength of his magic resistance.” I mean… technically she was telling the truth.

“Is… Is that all?” Violetta dropped her hands and giggled. “Oh my goodness, how embarrassing. I thought you two were…”

“Yes, yes, and you were mistaken.” Lyili started shaking again. I suppose I should have felt more offended by how violently she denied it, but I was busy appreciating that my sensitive areas remained unmelted.

I let out a sigh of relief. “So why are you bursting into my room, exactly?” I asked.

“Oh, that’s right…” Violetta’s smile faded, her skin going pale. “Oh that’s right!”

“Uhh…”

“The butler’s dead!” Violetta screamed.

“Dead like… he died of old age?”

“No, sword through the neck dead!” She grabbed onto her horns. “Someone murdered him!”

Oh. That kind of dead. Somehow I just knew something would ruin my secluded-island-haunted-mansion dinner party experience.