I sat on my knees in the huge room where I had first arrived.

“Ryley Allard,” the King said, sitting in his throne. “For your attempt on my son’s life…”

“And for the successful assassination of my…” Minzfel started, pushing his hair out of his face as he wiped his tears away. “Violetta statue!”

Oh my god. I could only imagine what a fucking nightmare this kid was. This was exactly why I was never going to reproduce.

“Oh, uh, yes, of course.” The King cleared his throat. “I… oh goodness. Where was I again?”

“You were…” I sighed. “Saying something about ‘the attempt on your son’s life’.”

“Oh, yes, that’s right,” the King said. “Thank you.”

“…No problem.”

“Now, as I was saying…” The King continued. “I hereby sentence you to death… by guillotine.” There was a roar of cheers from the rest of the room. It wasn’t exactly fun to hear how excited everyone was to see you die.

The same blob monster from before came crawling over to me again. A single tentacle shot out of his body, wrapping around me and binding my arms.

“Can you be a little gentler this time?” I asked him. He could at least take me out to dinner first or something.

“Yeah, no problem, man,” he spoke, but I couldn’t see a mouth on him. Just eyes. Lots and lots of eyes. “Sorry about earlier.”

“Uh… Thanks.” Why was the six-foot-tall blob covered in eyeballs the only reasonable one around here?

I took a deep breath, glancing over to where the King sat. The prince and Yaika were standing to one side, both wearing their black cloaks. Any normal person watching would have thought this was some kind of occult ritual. Except instead of killing me because I uncovered their cult secrets, this was all because I knocked over a goddamn statue at some brat’s birthday party. Not exactly the coolest note to go out on.

Of course, I had no intention of dying. Yaika had agreed to help me clear up this whole misunderstanding in front of all the people that saw me earlier. Any minute, she would be speaking up.

“Bring out the guillotine,” the King said.

A girl with a lizard tail emerged from the crowd pushing along two tall wooden pillars on wheels. In between the pillars at the top, there was an uneven blade. At the bottom, a round hole for someone’s head. Yep. It was a guillotine alright. Definitely a guillotine.

I may have been a little concerned.

The girl placed it in the center of the room, motioning to it with an open palm like it was something I had just won on one of those daytime gameshows. And behind door number one we have… a brand new death!

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

I tried to keep myself from freaking out. Any minute, Yaika would say something. She was just waiting for the crowd to quiet down first. That’s all. Just a little longer.

“People in your position are usually screaming and crying for their life by now,” the blob creature whispered to me. “Mad props, bro. Really cool stuff.”

Oh yeah, a room filled with monsters about to send me to my death? No big deal. Thankfully, it didn’t seem like blobs had noses. If they did, he might have understood how scared I really was.

“Prepare for the execution,” the King’s voice boomed again. The crowd responded with excitement.

“Alright,” the blob said. “Let’s do this.”

The blob started to move, heading toward the center of the room. Any second now. Any second and Yaika would yell for them to stop.

He placed my neck on the bottom half of the hole. The lizard girl promptly closed the top half, locking me in place. With a half turn, she moved the guillotine so that my face was pointed toward the throne.

Uhh… Wouldn’t she?

Fuck. My head practically fell off right there and then from fear alone. This wasn’t good. Yaika was looking up at the ceiling, her mouth hanging wide open. She was spacing out.

Yeah, no.

“Yaika!” I screamed, my voice coming out much higher than I wanted it to. “Fucking say something!” Whatever image that blob guy had of me in his mind was probably ruined, but I didn’t care. I would shriek and cry like the most pathetic baby ever if it meant I could get her attention.

The crowd gasped, and the room fell silent again. It was about time.

The prince looked over at Yaika, who was still staring at the ceiling, then to me. “Did you just… say my sister’s name?”

“You bet I did,” I said, trying to sound smug as possible.

“He’s taken the princesses name in vain!” someone in the crowd yelled.

“Kill him!” said another.

The crowd erupted again, and a shower of boos rained down on me. Not exactly the reaction I was hoping for.

“On my mark,” the King said, raising his hand into the air.

“Yaika! Uh, I mean, Princess Yaika. Y-You gotta help me out,” I cried. “P-P-Princess Yaika!”

Just as the King moved his arm, a sickly voice cut through the air.

“Hey, guess what,” the princess said. “I have an announcement to make, everyone.”

The room went quiet again. Jeez, it must have been nice to be able to use your voice as a mute button.

“Yaika,” the prince stamped his feet. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“I just told you.” Yaika tilted her head. “I’m making an announcement.”

“Sweetheart,” the King said, his tone going soft. “D-Daddy’s a little busy right now.”

Yaika stood zoning out for a moment before answering. “It’s important though.”

“Oh…” the King sighed. “Well, alright. Go ahead then.”

My stomach was doing summersaults. If she didn’t get to the point, my head could be flying through the air any second. Come on! Just say it!

“I received a message I think my brother… will be very interested to hear about.”

A message? What the hell was she talking about? What happened to saving me?

“You see…” Yaika smiled. “Violetta was just captured after apparently killing her manager.”

“Huh?” What little color was in the prince’s skin completely drained from his annoying little face. “F-Father… quick, y-you… you have to p-p-pardon her.”

“Minzfel,” the King said. “You know… I can’t pardon a murderer.”

“B-But father,” the prince’s voice started to get ragged. “My… Violetta.”

“No means no,” the king said. “I will not start pardoning people on the whims of my own son!”

Oh, of course not. That would be wrong. Killing people on his whims though? No problem at all.

Minzfel looked shocked, and his legs were shaking. God damn. His reaction was so priceless, I couldn’t even be angry over the hypocrisy.

“I was thinking…” Yaika pointed at me. “Maybe we could try this ‘trial’ thing Ryley was talking about.”

“A… trial?” Minzfel repeated the words.

“Apparently, they determine if someone’s really a murderer.”

Everyone’s eyes were on me again. Okay, this wasn’t what I expected from Yaika, but the ball was in my court. This was my chance to save my ass. All I needed to do now was to knock it out of the park.

“T-Totally,” I said as completely manly and not at all uncool tears streamed down my face. “I’m a… trial expert.”

Except I wasn’t. At all.

But they didn’t need to know that.