“Have fun, Pwince! Have fun Pwincess!” repair shark’s baby voice came from behind us as we hurried off the boat onto less-than-dry land. “Twy not to thwow up, Mistaw Wyley! See you all tomowow” What a sweet six-foot-tall shark-man covered in barbed wire.

Wait… ‘tomorrow’?

“Uhh… What’s this about tomorrow?” I asked. Repair shark was already pulling the boat back out.

“Tomorrow bro,” Brad said. “As in, he’s gonna bring the boat back tomorrow morning to pick us up.” No shit.

“Yeah I got that,” I snapped. “I’m asking why we’re staying the night here!”

“We always stay the night for these dinners,” Hadria said.

“Yeah, duh.” Yaika’s empty eyes burned into me. “You’re weird, Ryley.”

“Yeah.” They quickly exchanged a high five. Cool. What a treat to have these two together.

Apparently I should have already known this. I should have known everything. Obviously succubi can make fire, Ryley. Obviously centipedes are money, Ryley. Obviously we’re staying the night, Ryley. The dumbest part was that this was comparatively mundane to most of the things they assumed I would know. In fact, this was literally just something they hadn’t mentioned. This wasn’t a demon world thing, this was basic etiquette.

I took a deep breath. Time to calm down. I was standing in the rain in a suit stranded on an island. Better to just go with the flow than have something in my brain burst.

“Ugh, it’s really muddy…” Hadria’s eyes shifted down to her black loafers, already completely okay with the fact that she never fucking told me we were staying the night. Not that I was mad about that, of course. “This sucks. We still gotta walk to the mansion.”

“We don’t have to walk.” Yaika shook her head, her purple hair falling in her face. “Brad. Escort us to the mansion, please.”

“Got ya, Princess,” Brad said, umbrellas still in hand. Er, in tentacle. His weird blue body convulsed, and four more disgusting appendages shot out of him like a kraken rising from the depths. I wish I could say it was majestic or something, but it was just weird. Just really, really weird.

“Alright,” Yaika said, pointing her finger down the muddy path in front of us. “Onward!”

Brad’s tentacles quickly wrapped around Yaika, Minzfel’s, and Hadria’s waists, hoisting them off the ground. No. Not again.

Yaika kept her finger extended. “Grab Violetta too.”

“N-No, that’s really... Oh!” Before Violetta could even finish answering, Brad had her upside down, flailing in the air. “AHHH!” She clammered to cover herself, but it wasn’t like it was revealing anything that her dominatrix outfit didn’t already reveal.

“Sorry bro.” Brad turned to me.

“Uhh… For what?” I felt my whole body tense up.

Brad squinted so many eyes that it was more like he squinted his body. “Six tentacles is my limit if I’m gonna run.”

“... Now onward!” Yaika shouted.

Suddenly, Brad sped off, sliding down the mud path like a slimy blue christmas tree decorated with eyeballs, two umbrellas, and four people. Yeah. I never thought I would have to say that sentence but here we were.

I was so soaked there wasn’t even a point in hurrying after them. I moved at a slow jog. This was a lot of trouble to go through for a chance at puking, meeting some more demons that were bound to make me want to smash my head against the wall, and eating some pancakes.

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I would do it for the pancakes.

The path was surrounded by a dense pine forest. After about a minute of jogging, they opened up to reveal a huge two-story mansion. It was made of dark stone, with a grey tiled roof. Despite this, it didn’t resemble a castle. It somehow seemed a lot more modern looking compared to the buildings back in the city. As I got closer, I realized that there was a large stone bridge about fifteen feet long leading to the entrance. Brad and the others were standing in front of it.

“Oh, Ryley!” Violetta waved at me. “Over here.”

I walked up next to them and noticed they weren’t alone. A man in a black suit, holding a black umbrella stood as stiff as a board in front of them. Judging by the wrinkles on his face, he was probably in his sixties. And judging by the squiggly eyebrows and small horns coming from his forehead, he was a horny folk. Lame. I was promised rotting skin. This wasn’t barf worthy in the slightest. Just… old. An old horny folk.

Okay, it was pretty gross if I said it like that.

“It’s very good to see you all again,” the man’s voice droned as his sunken in eyes shifted over to me. “And I see we have some new guests as well.”

“Uh, hi…” I said. “I’m Ryley Allard.”

My magenta haired partner pushed up next to me. “Leader of the law squad.”

“Leader of the law squad.”

“It’s a pleasure,” the man said, but his sagging bulldog cheeks and lack of emotion didn’t exactly scream ‘it’s nice to meet you’.

“And I’m Violetta. First, um, main assistant and right hand, uh, woman to the leader of the law squad. Who is Ryley Allard.” She really had a way with words. “And I’m Violetta. His assistant. Oh no, did I already say that? I already said that, didn’t I?” A stupid way, but a way nonetheless.

“My name is Krow, the head butler of this estate.” The man furrowed his brow as soon as the words left his mouth. “Well… the only butler, I suppose. With everything I do, I’d say I have the right to that title.” He grimaced. “If we’re talking about titles, I suppose I should have many more. Head gardener, head chef...” He, uh, had way with words too. “Head adult babysitter, if we’re being completely honest.”

So not the lich then. Just a butler that was disgruntled as fuck.

“It’s… um, very nice to meet you…” Violetta said, obviously caught off guard.

“You’ll have to excuse the master” Krow bit down on his lip so hard I thought it would tear right off. “He is quite the recluse, I’m afraid. I’m sure he’ll meet with you later tonight when he finally decides to get his ass out of his room and start acting like a grown up.”

There was a long moment of awkward silence. What did you even say in response to that?

“Isn’t he fun?” Yaika asked. So fun.

“Anyway, where are my manners? Please, come inside.” Krow turned toward the mansion. “And watch your step on the bridge. The master’s pet has a difficult time telling dinner guests from... dinner.” This place just got better and better.

We all followed him across. The dull light coming from the mansion’s windows made me realize how dark the sky was getting. I peaked over the edge and tried to see if I could see the ‘pet’ he mentioned, but the water below was too murky. Jeez, this mansion had a moat and everything. The king needed to step up his game.

We made it to the other side and watched as Krow pushed open the heavy wooden door with a creak. Apparently, he wasn’t the head door oiler. We stepped out of the rain and into the warmth of the entrance.

“Wow, Ryley!” Violetta hopped up and down. “Look at those stairs!” Yep, out of all the things to be excited about, she chose stairs. Well, I suppose there wasn’t much else to be excited about. There was a gigantic staircase just beyond the entryway, big enough for all seven of us to stand side by side and go up together.

Was this the demon equivalent of how people got huge trucks or a sports car to compensate for their lack of self confidence or something? Buy the biggest fucking stairs they could get their feet on?

Hadria’s feet echoed as she walked along the marble floor up to where it turned into wine-red carpet. She bent down to pull off her shoes, coming dangerously close to showing me which piece of her underwear collection she was wearing today. She scurried over to a podium sitting in the middle of the room.

“Come on Ryley,” Hadria said. “You have to sign the guestbook before you can come in. Everyone signs the guestbook.” She picked up a leatherbound book sitting on the podium and shook it around at me.

I sighed, kicking off my shoes next to Hadria’s before stepping any further. Oh shit. I could practically feel Krow’s glare hit the back of my head as my wet socks touched the clean carpet.

“Let’s hurry!” Violetta ran up next to me and grabbed me by the arm before I could even attempt to undo the damage I was doing. “The Lich is probably waiting for us!” No turning back now. They could send the cleaning bill to the king, I guess.

Hadria set the book back down and held out a fountain pen to me. “Hurry.”

I took the pen from Hadria’s slender hand. My two assistants flanked me as I hunched over the podium. Not sure why this was such a big deal, but whatever. I quickly wrote down my name in cursive in the next open spot. “There.”

“Pfft.” Hadria held her hand over her mouth. “That’s how you write your name? Just a bunch of squiggles?”

“Yes,” I said. I grabbed her by the wrist and gave her a high five. “You got me. I’m so weird.”

Hadria’s red eye narrowed. “Well this is no fun.”

Yeah. That was the idea. Now hurry up and write your stupid name down in your stupid collection of lines.