This was as ridiculous as last time.

Apparently, ‘no trial tonight’ just meant ‘let’s do it during the day’ to the king. Fuck. I was back in the throne room before 24 hours could even pass from yesterday’s trial. Fucking damn it.

“Sir Allard.” Lyili smiled at me behind her ‘special table’. My god, we needed to get some better looking furniture. “To think we would battle again so soon.”

“Yeah. Trust me. I didn’t think it would be this soon either.”

“H-Hi, Violetta.” Minzfel waved from beside the thrown.

“Hi, Prince!” Violetta waved back, almost hitting me in the head with her hand. Yeah. She insisted that she stand next to me during the trial. With Minzfel’s influence, the king had insisted I let her. So here she was.

“I’m so excited!” Violetta tapped me on the shoulder with an open hand. “Ryley, don’t be afraid to ask me for help, okay? I’ll do anything I can.”

Good one.

“Let’s begin the trial,” the asshole in the crown said, his voice reverberating through the room. The audience quieted down.

“Whoo-hoo, more Ryley!” Yaika put her fist in the air. The crowd didn’t cheer in response or anything. Ugh, tough crowd. Yaika, of course, wasn’t bothered in the least. “…More Ryley, everybody!”

“You heard my daughter,” the king yelled. “Get to it!” The audience burst into applause, cheering like this was the Bocce Ball World Series.

Wow, Yaika should do stand up. Not because it would be funny or anything, I just wanted to see the audience squirm. Her dad was so protective, he would make sure everyone watching was in stiches. Yeah, and if they didn’t laugh, they’d be in stitches too. Actual ones.

Who was I kidding? Stiches didn’t really do much when you were missing your head.

As the crowd died down, the king spoke up again. “Ms. Lyili, if you could bring out the accused.”

Lyili ran her ghost white hand through her dark hair. “But of course, your majesty. Bring out the child!”

A moment later, Mel appeared with a soulless smile on her face, wheeling along my favorite execution device. At the bottom, a small head of green hair. Kind of fucked up seeing a kid in one of these. The audience looked pretty uncomfortable too. Always nice to see that they felt sympathetic for literally everyone that ended up under the guillotine but me.

“Ms. Lyili,” the king said, clearing his throat. “This… is today’s criminal?” And always good to know that the king was totally clueless about the people he was about to judge.

“This boy was caught stealing food from a bocce ball game today.” Lyili motioned over at him. “He is also suspected in at least three other food related thefts. He has single handedly evaded capture for weeks.”

“And he wore a mask!” Violetta said, too excited to contain herself. “Like some kind of… phantom dine-and-dasher.” Why the hell was she saying it like she had just thought that up?

Minzfel smiled, looking awkward as fuck. “G-Good one, Violetta.” It was only a matter of time before he was consumed with self-loathing, realizing that he would never have a chance with her. Soon. Very soon.

“Why, that’s quite catchy,” the king said. “A phantom dine-and-dasher! And a child no less.” Seriously? Phantom dine-and-dasher over phantom thief? He didn’t even dine before he dashed.

Lyili continued. “While he may be a child, I believe Sir Allard will agree with me that a crime is a crime.” Hey, she didn’t need to drag me into this.

“Is this true?” The king looked over to me. Well… yes and no.

Alright, it was time to burst Lyili’s naked bubble. “Theft is a crime, but it’s not the kind of thing you execute someone for.”

“It does seem a little harsh…” Violetta added.

Lyili slammed her fist down. “Nonsense! A criminal is a criminal. What punishment can there be other than death?” Really? She couldn’t think of a single other punishment?

“Do your worst!” the kid yelled from the guillotine, apparently not caring that their ‘worst’ was only a lever pull away. “I don’t freakin’ care!”

“Don’t say that.” Violetta seemed like she was trying to sound stern with mixed results. “We’re going to help you! Ryley here will prove that you’re innocent, sweetie!”

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“Hey, don’t go overboard,” I whispered. “We caught him with the stolen hot dogs in his hands, remember?”

“Oops,” Violetta whispered back. “I got a little carried away.”

The king raised an eyebrow. “Mr. Allard? Ms. Violetta? Is everything okay?”

“Oh, y-yeah, we’re fine,” I said. “We were just discussing alternative punishments, your majesty.”

“No we weren’t…” Violetta started.

“Yes we were.” I cut her off. I looked at her with my eyes wide, hoping she would take the hint.

“C’mon, go ahead and try to kill me!” The kid yelled again. “You don’t have the guts!”

“Your guts are about to be all over the floor if you don’t keep your mouth shut,” I snapped. Yeah, I wasn’t the best at talking with kids. “Mel, can you put some tape over his mouth or something?”

“Mel does not take orders from you, Sir Allard,” Lyili said with a smirk. “Mel, cover the criminal’s mouth so that we can continue.” I guess she showed me.

Mel reached into her pocket and pulled out a roll of duct tape. Did she just carry that around with her all the time? She quickly placed a piece of it over the kid’s mouth. Yep, nothing said ‘actual trial’ like the defendant tied up and gagged.

“Now where were we?” The king let out a sigh. “Something about ‘alternative punishments’?”

“That’s right,” I said. “In my world, we have a thing called ‘jail’. It’s a building full of cells like the one you locked me in when I first got here.”

“The dungeon?” the king asked.

“Ryley, that’s just where we keep demons until their execution is ready,” Yaika said. Yeah, I had figured that much out myself.

“It’s like that, except you hold them there for a predetermined amount of time. That’s the punishment.” They gave me some blank stares. Great, I was already losing them. “Basically, it’s like putting them in time out. Sometimes for years.” Yeah, not exactly the best way of explaining it, but they weren’t exactly the best at understanding things either.

“Hmm… That would mean hiring extra guards and providing food for the imprisoned, I assume?” The king crossed his huge beefy arms and closed his eyes. “That sounds very expensive…” Yeah, no shit. When were these idiots going to understand that this whole ‘law system’ thing didn’t just come down to if they could chop someone’s head off or not?

Fuck it. Maybe this prison idea wasn’t going to take. “We also have a thing called community service,” I added. “It’s where they make criminals do things like cleaning up the city as punishment.”

Yaika gasped. “That sounds terrible…” No sarcasm. This punishment was worse than death to her.

“You could even make him work for the food stands he stole from to make up the money they lost from what he stole.” Seriously. Literally anything but the guillotine would be fine. I wasn’t a fan of kids, but that didn’t mean I wanted them dead. Just Minzfel.

“Your majesty, Sir Allard is grasping,” Lyili said, putting her hand out. “This boy was caught in the act. This is just an attempt by Sir Allard to soften his inevitable loss.”

Obviously this kid was guilty, but that wasn’t the fucking point. “You honestly think someone should be killed for stealing some food?”

“Correct.” Well… she was the head of the execution squad.

I narrowed my eyes. “…Seriously?”

Lyili covered her chest. “Why do you insist on arguing about this, tempting me with your sexual advances?” She was breathing heavy, her cheeks flushed red. “When you will you understand… that they have no effect on me?”

“Ryley!” Violetta grabbed my arm and shook. “Please keep your mind on the trial!”

“Mr. Allard, please!” the king yelled.

Oh my god. I was fucking wrong. This was worse than last time and the trial hadn’t even fucking started yet.

“Look, my point still stands,” I said, trying to keep my cool. “Not only is stealing not a serious enough crime for the death penalty, this is a kid we’re talking about. For people under 18, we usually have lighter sentences.”

“Interesting…” The king leaned forward in his throne. “Lighter sentences for children, you say…”

“Kids brains aren’t developed, so they have higher chances of making bad decisions,” I said. That sounded pretty sciency. “They also have their whole lives ahead of them. They, uh, can be rehabilitated.”

“Rehabilitated? That sounds expensive too…” What? Was the kingdom that pressed for money?

Before I could say anything else, a woman’s voice came from the crowd. “Excuse me, your majesty! If I could say something.”

The kid started kicking his legs, his yells muffled from the duct tape.

I turned to see a woman standing near the front of the audience. She had shoulder length blue hair and her eyebrows were in a distinctive zigzag pattern. Suza?

“Such insolence!” Lyili slammed her fist down. “Guards, please escort this woman out of the throne room.”

“Hold on,” I raised my voice. “Uhh… this woman and I are acquaintances.”

“Very well.” The king waved his hand. “Let her speak.”

“Thank you your majesty.” Suza slightly bowed her horned head. “My name is Suza I’m the matron of the Horny Folk Orphanage.” Still funny. “This boy’s name is Jaim, and I’m responsible for him. Please, I ask that you forgive him for what he’s done.”

“A Horny Folk?” The king asked, his mouth hanging open. “You mean to tell me that this boy escaped capture without the use of any magic?”

“That’s correct.”

“Well, that changes everything! A masked thief using nothing but his physical skill and intelligence?” The king’s lips were quivering. “Very… um, cool!” Uhh… seriously?

“Your majesty, as ‘cool’ as it may be, we cannot let this go unpunished,” Lyili said. As much as I hated it, she wasn’t wrong.

The king laughed nervously. “But… it was just food, right? Surely we can think of some alternative punishment…” Oh, now he cared about that. Was he only saying this because he thought his wife had been a horny folk too? Maybe Suza was his fetish. Ugh, I really didn’t want to picture that.

Lyili crossed her arms and let out a deep sigh. “I didn’t want to do this, but it appears my hand has been forced.”

Violetta tilted her head “Do what?”

“Food is not the only thing our little thief here is accused of stealing,” Lyili said. “You see, a number of things went missing from the Hellacia Bocce Stadium last night.”

“Uhh… what?” I narrowed my eyes. Why was this the first time I was hearing about this? Also, why was I still surprised?

“Yes!” Lyili pointed at Jaim, fire bursting to life in her eyes. “One of which is worth much more than any barbeque he could have stolen!”

“How much are we talking about?” I asked.

“Five thousand centipedes, Sir Allard.”

The whole room gasped.

What? Was that a lot?