Boyd and the Harpy King sat at a makeshift table passing the bottle of whiskey back and forth. It had been that way for a few hours. Just two guys enjoying a nice evening together, shooting the shit and trying to get by. There had been some initial struggles, but once Boyd produced the bottle of whiskey, things smoothed over pretty quick.
“Oklahoma’s pretty nice. I mean, it ain’t perfect, but it ain’t bad. I do miss it. Miss my family.”
“I hear that man, home ain’t never perfect but it’s home, know what I mean? I couldn’t just up and leave the Cliffs of Agony, even if I wanted to. This is where I live. It’s where my family’s from. Hell, I met Screamy here. I can’t walk away from that.”
“Damn straight bud.”
The two of them clinked their makeshift glasses of whiskey and took a drink.
“Where’d you get this drink anyway?”
"Ah, got it from a buddy. I don’t know where he got it from. This here’s okay, but it ain’t got the kick I was hoping for. We use to brew ‘Shine back in Oklahoma. The good shit. 100+ proof.”
“Ain’t never had it.”
“Ah, hell bud. Wish I had some, I’d let you take home a bottle.”
The two of them both took a drink at the same time which led to a laugh. “You know, most Combatants that come around are just here for my feathers, but not you man. You’re pretty cool. What race are you again?”
“I’m called a Human, I guess. I’m not used to being asked that question.”
The Harpy King nodded his head as he talked, “Human. Sweet. I hope I meet more of you.”
“Honestly dude, it probably wouldn’t go that well. We don’t usually get along so good with outsiders. Thing is, were I not in this fucked up situation I was tellin’ you bout, I probably would’ve shot your ass the minute I saw you.”
The Harpy King exploded in laughter, “Motherfucker, you try to pepper me even once with one of your noisy cannons and I’ll be eating your entrails before you get your stupid pepper sprayer back up to your chest.”
“Man, it would only take the one. You wouldn’t even see if comin’ either. BOOM! Right in the head. One shot, one kill and then I’d fricassee your ass with some jalapeno peppers.”
The Harpy King playfully tackled Boyd, “Ah yea, let me see what you got big boy. Think you’re so damn tough.” Boyd was a competent wrestler but it was obvious the Harpy King was immensely stronger. He tried to take the bird in a choke, immediately felt bad after he realized that’s how he killed his new friends daughter, and then relented. The Harpy King took that moment to flip over and land on top of him.
“Say uncle. Say it bitch. Say uncle.”
“Fuck you!” Boyd struggled under the weight of the Harpy King, but unlike the other Harpys, Boyd couldn’t move him an inch.
"Say it pussy. Say it.”
"Fuck you, I ain’t saying shit!” Boyd was struggling to get an arm up, but the Harpy King had him pinned.
The Harpy King began hacking and coughing until he got a large ball of what looked like leftover Rock Roc out of his craw. “I’ma hack this Rock Roc on you if you don’t say it!” He slowly let the ball of spittle, blood and Roc parts dangle from his throat over Boyd’s head.
“Fine! Fine! Uncle! God dammit man that smells like an old chicken house. That’s fucking disgusting.”
The Harpy King began laughing and slurped the mixture back into his craw, “Tastes good though. Tastes better with a little whiskey too!” He helped Boyd up and they walked back to their table. They continued to chat as they polished off the bottle of whiskey.
“Yea man, so I got three old ladies, and all of em’s pregnant like all the time. They layin’ eggs just nonstop and it seems like everyone pops out another little girl. I love ‘em, I love ‘em all. I got like 200 daughters and each one is just as good as the next. You ever try to take care of 200 kids though? It’s a nightmare. I can’t even figure out names! Try to come up with 200 different names! It’s not like me helping my old ladies get ‘em to bed at night is gonna make a difference man. It’s two-fucking-hundred kids. I can’t like bounce one on my knee and then the ole lady goes to bed for the evening, know what I mean? You gotta find shit for them to do. So I come up with this plan. I just tell ‘em ‘Hey, listen, there are adventurers coming and they are bad. You gotta protect the colony.’ That’s been working ok for the kids, but God damn Rock Rocs keep attacking us too. So I gotta go hunt nonstop on top of everything else. Then I still got three old ladies asking me for affections almost nonstop. It’s draining on a man. The only thing that keeps me going is the Rock Roc feathers. Natural aphrodisiac. I gotta consume them whole though. Whole God damn bird, and God damn, let me tell you, Rock Roc feathers taste like shit. Don’t stop me though. Don’t make me quit. And that’s just it man, I still eat ‘em cause I want to be a good husband. A good Harpy King. Ya know what I mean?”
Boyd poured himself and the Harpy King each another shot of whiskey.
“I feel ya for sure bud. Sounds like it’s damn near impossible to navigate all that.”
The Harpy King was slurring his words. He could barely remain upright, but he kept talking and drinking all the same. “I can’t control any of them either. I can barely keep them from pulling me apart! You wanna know the fucked up thing izshh man. Hell, I still love my wivesh. I only took three because I just didn’t want to split my love anymore then, then, then I’d got to. I want to spend all my time with all of them. Ya know man? Average male Harpy got shheveral dozen. Not me though, I’m a family man, just trying to do right. It’s hard though. Two of my daughters done gone missin’ recently and Lisa is pisshhed as all Hell. I ain’t got no idea where they are either. Then Annie’s up my ass because I been spending all this time looking for Lisa’s daughters and I ain’t been doing what she asked. Like I got even a minute for that with Lisa shitting up my tailpipe every five minutes on the missing Lisas.” The Harpy King’s eyes got broad and he ducked behind a rock. “Shit! Hide hide! Hide motherfucker!”
Boyd saw the reason for the sudden change of pace. An older looking Harpy was fluttering above them, but was descending rapidly. “I heard my name. You down here talkin’ shit with some meddlin’ som’ bitch ain’t ya. Clarence you motherfucker, you tell him about your two-timing ass or you just tell him the same thing you always tell me?”
The Harpy King hung his head, before nudging Boyd with his claw. “Ah shit she’s comin’ now. Dude, hide the whiskey for she sees. I don’t need that lecture again.”
Boyd quickly placed the whiskey he was given under his shirt and then rolled it to his back. He casually looked to the side in order to appear less conspicuous. The older Harpy who had been yelling at them slowly descended to where they had been sitting. It was a small alcove hidden in the Cliffs that the Harpy King used as a home away from home of sorts.
The female Harpy walked over to Clarence the Harpy King and shoved a claw at his chest, “Yea, motherfucker, you think I don’t know, but I fuckin’ know. You hear me Clarence, I know you been cheatin’ again. I come to find your ass. Where is she?”
“God dammit Annie, how many times we gotta talk about this. You knew I was married to Screamy when we first got together. I’m a Harpy King, God dammit. How you think I am gonna be the Harpy King with one wife?”
Annie stamped her claw, “I ain’t talkin about them bitches, I’m talkin’ bout Queen Uglyass Dirtface. Ugly ass bitch you been fucking around with behind my back.”
Clarence’s eyes perked up. Boyd shook his head. He’d seen that reaction before. No way he was getting away with it now.
Clarence turned his back and said, “I don’t know no Graniteface Roc you crazy bitch.”
“I didn’t even say she was a Roc. You said that.”
Clarence turned back towards her, “No, you said it,” he replied dryly.
“No, I didn’t motherfucker, you said it and that’s how I know you’re lying! That's what you do Clarence, you lie!”
A second female Harpy descended into view. “No, he didn’t bitch. I seen the whole damn thing. You always on his ass and that’s probably why he’s fuckin’ around on us now to begin with. Maybe you give up that coochie a bit more and stop shitting on our man all the time and he wouldn’t be stepping out on you.”
“Screamy, you the dumbest bitch in this nest. You so loyal always thinkin’ Clarence is the best thing in Zenith when this man been steppin’ out on you your whole life. How many babies you got with Clarence, 136? 137? And he still goes out looking for other girls? And he still took two other wives? Does he even look at you anymore? No. It’s always Lisa now. He ain’t been touching either of us and that wasn’t the deal. It was supposed to be equal access. I got eggs to lay too bitch.”
“Ah fuck you Annie, you moved in on him the second you could. I didn’t see you whinin’ and crying when he took you after he already had me.”
Clarence the Harpy King raised his wings, “Girls, can we…”
Screamy raised her claw, “Girls? Who is “girls?” We are adults. We are your wives. This is part of the problem Clarence, you speak to us like you own us.”
Annie took a place next to Screamy, “This ain’t-shit motherfucker always thinks he can just smooth everything over by saying ‘girls, girls, girls.’ Ain’t gonna work this time Clarence. I know what you been doing.”
Boyd didn’t know what to say, but he was fairly sure that nothing he could say would help his new friend. Honestly, he’d seen similar things happen to friends of his before, and generally he felt the best course of action was always to avoid this as much as possible. While his plan had been to unite the Harpy and Roc Kingdoms around Clarence, the Harpy King, he was quickly discovering this might not be possible.
“SQUAWK. SQUAWK! SQUAWK!”
Boyd looked up to see the largest Rock Roc he had ever seen descending into the nest. From its size, Boyd assumed it must be the oldest and most powerful of the Rock Rocs, but from its plumage he deduced it was also likely the Queen. Amongst her feathers were chains of gemstones and gold strewn from wing to wing. It appeared to be done as lingerie, which made Boyd uncomfortable as he thought he might be looking at the Queen in some sort of state of undress.
If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.
Clarence, the Harpy King looked up and said, “Oh shit. Boyd we got a problem buddy. You might want to get out while you can.”
“I got your back bro,” Boyd said. He was surprised to discover he truly did, the power of male friendship having overtaken basic common sense yet again.
Screamy picked up a rock and prepared to throw it, “Oh HELL NO, I know this bitch ain’t coming over to our side. Bitch you best flap them wings the other direction. It’s one thing for you to move on my man, but I ain’t having you fuckin’ him on my own Cliffs.”
"SQUAWK. SQUAWK! SQUAAAAAAWK!”
While Boyd could speak Harpy, he clearly couldn’t speak Rock Roc. In spite of this, the Roc’s message was clear. She was now nuzzling up to Clarence, the Harpy King and performing what he assumed was some sort of mating strut. At the same time, the bird shat upon the ground and began pointing her wings at the two Harpys and squawking loudly while wafting the shit smell at the both of them aggressively.
“FUCK NO BITCH!” Whatever the bird had said was clearly beyond offensive as now Annie took to the air and pounced on the Roc that Boyd assumed was Queen Granitehide. Screamy began throwing rocks at the two of them aggressively from a short distance away. Annie and Queen Granitehide’s life bars began plummeting as they tore at one another and were pounded by rocks. It seemed like Screamy was likely going to come out the victor, when she suddenly disappeared in a whoosh of feathers. The eldest Lisa had scooped Screamy from the ground and was now slashing her throat in the air as they two squabbled.
"EVERYONE STOP. EVERYONE STOP KILLING EACH OTHER!” Clarence the Harpy King yelled. He walked over to Queen Granitehide and Annie and tried to pull them apart, but was met with a claw to the face. “Stop attacking me, there’s more than enough to go around. I can be with all of you. It don’t have to turn out this way.”
Boyd was watching this and trying to figure out how to intervene. The original plan was to turn the Harpy King into a friend. He would then use the Harpy King to ingratiate himself into community in the hopes of winning them over. He would then try to complete as many of the Quests as he could at the same time. Currently, this did not seem a likely outcome. He needed all of them to stop fighting as fast as possible.
“Can everyone please stop trying to kill each other and we can work this out? Hey, yo ladies and… birds, can we all please just stop for a minute and talk this out? It doesn’t have to be like this. I talked with Clarence and he told me he cares for all of you. Ya’ll got this all wrong, this a good man right here who’s trying to do right by all of you. We had a couple whiskey drinks together and he told me the whole thing, he borned his heart out to me. For real, ya’ll ought to just forgive him and give this thing a chance.”
There was a pause as Annie and Queen Granitehide stopped scratching at each other. Both of their life bars were extremely low, although it looked like Queen Granitehide might end up the winner. Elder Lisa and a nearly dead Screamy came flying back.
Annie started crying. “You been drinking again. Clarence are you serious? You promised me.”
Lisa swooped down onto the scene. “He’s drinking again? Annie did I just hear you right? Is he drinking again?”
Annie was in full meltdown mode. She had collapsed onto the ground and was starting to weep. “Do you remember the last time Clarence? Do you remember coming home in a stupor. You stepped on our eggs, Clarence! You killed our babies! You fell asleep in their fertilized yolks and you still said you didn’t have a problem. We had to drag you to rehab and force you to admit it and you said never again. You said never again. How could you?! NEVER AGAIN CLARENCE! And with some random adventurer? Some random guy comes around and instead of killing him after telling all my babies they can’t be with their Mommas but they gotta go yell at the Cliffs, you give all that up for some random adventurer. To impress some nobody?”
“SQUAWK, SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK, SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK!!!!” Queen Granitehide’s squawks were particularly squawky this time.
Annie was crying, “You tell him girl. He’s a no-good, cheating ass drunk and that’s all he will ever be. Fuck you Clarence, I’m out of here and I am taking the girls with me.”
Clarence, the Harpy King hung his head. “Boyd, gimme that whiskey bottle.”
Boyd reluctantly handed it over. He had no idea what the Harpy King would do with it, but he was quite certain that unless something changed, one or more of these groups was going to kill him before he could work his way out of this.
Clarence stumbled forward, “You see this bottle. You wanna know why I’m drinking again? Cause I can’t never get no respect from NONE of you. NONE of you ever think about me. It’s always eggs this, and daughters that. When you gonna provide us a new boy Clarence? When you gonna fertilize those eggs Clarence? When you gonna bring us some decent food Clarence? What about me? What about Clarence? Huh? When ya’ll gonna do something for me. So yea, I had a little drink. I got a little excited to make a friend that was a male, and I had a couple drinks. I ain’t even drunk, watch this. Just watch this and tell me I’m drunk. I can prove it!”
Clarence flew high into the air and swooped low across the ground, he then rose high into the air and flapped himself into a stationary but wobbly situation. “You see that? That was a perfect swoop. Executed to perfection baby. Ain’t nobody been drinkin’ gonna be able to swoop like that. This Human was the only one drinking. You tell her Boyd. Tell her you was the only one.”
Boyd was confused as Clarence had already admitted he was drinking, but he stood behind his friend as he said he would. Boyd straightened up and said, “Yea, it was just me. We was talkin’ but he didn’t drink. Just me.”
“I can prove it, watch this. I bet I can Swoop from twice that high.”
Boyd felt an immediate kinship with Clarence. He had seen this move before. This was, in fact, a classic play from his old friend Walker’s book. It had variable results. Usually it either got him laid or it got him severely injured. Walker and Boyd had both agreed a long time it was usually worth it.
“SQUAWK!”
Lisa concurred with Queen Granitehide and tried to stop him but he was already flying high, “Don’t you dare baby! Clar-bear, I believe you baby, don’t do nothing stupid! Please baby, I love you!”
Boyd was cheering him on though, “You got this buddy! Show ‘em what fer!”
Clarence was already mid-dive. He gave a thumbs up sign to Boyd as he passed him. Boyd thought he was majestic, angelic in his flight. He marveled at the rapid descent and the beautiful arc that Clarence, the Harpy King cut against the sky.
Until Clarence hit the ground with a dull thud.
SYSTEM: The Harpy King has died from taking 740 fall damage. All Harpys in the area are now enraged.
SYSTEM: Quest Failed: Patriarchy: Partiarchies are one of the easiest things to keep going in existence i.e. most of the modern world. Somehow you fucked this one up.
The Harpys immediately began tearing each other apart. Lisa and Screamy began slashing at each other desperately, whereas Queen Granitehide had already torn Annie’s head from her body. The Roc Queen was bleeding profusely though, and clearly wasn’t going to make it.
SYSTEM: Queen Granitehide has died. All Rock Rocs in the area are now enraged.
An audible and horrible screeching happened shortly after and the sky was filled with Harpys. Screamy looked up to yell something which was just the opening Lisa needed. She slashed through Screamy’s throat who subsequently died with a gurgle. Lisa scowled at Boyd. He prepared to fight her, but she instead took into the air.
“Lisas! Kill the Annies and Screamys!!”
The Harpys in the air began frantically attacking one another. Boyd had to take cover as Haryps bodies began falling from the sky like cannonballs. He didn’t know a Lisa from an Annie, but it seemed like most everything was dying. The screeching became louder and louder until it became physically painful to him.
Life 104/111
He began to run from the scene only to see an armada of Rock Rocs heading his way. He dived back into the alcove he had shared with the Harpy King and watched the Rock Rocs sail overhead. They collided with the mass of Harpys in an amalgamation of claws and feathers. Rocs and Harpys fell from the sky in droves. He finally ducked and covered his head. The roof of the alcove protected him from falling Harpys and Rocs. He was still taking sonic damage, but he just Manatapped the damage back as it came in. After about 15 minutes, the awful din of screeching stopped, and he went out of his little hidey spot to look around.
He guessed there was at least 100 dead Harpys and 100 dead Rocs. Laying in the middle was Clarence, the Harpy King. He felt a bit of sadness and loss at the sight of his dead friend. It was nice to have someone he could relate to for once. They had bonded even if it was brief.
Not enough to keep him from looting the Harpy King though. He plucked as many of Clarence’s feathers as he could for Merlot and started to head back down the Cliffs. He saw Lisa fly off into the distance holding an egg in each claw. He wondered what would become of her.
SYSTEM: Quest Failed: Help the Harpys: Most of the Harpys are dead. Obviously this wasn’t helpful.
SYSTEM: Quest Failed: Don’t help the Harpys: Genocide the colony means no one lives. One of the Lisas got away with some eggs so you failed this one too.
SYSTEM: Quest Failed: Matriarchy: The Harpy King died, but not by your hand, and the matriarchy did not rise this time either.
SYSTEM: Quest Failed: Rock Out for the Rock Rocs: Queen Granitehide died so no credit here either. You suck at this.
SYSTEM: Quest Failed: Birdhunting: Most of the Rock Rocs are dead, but the Harpys are gone too, so I am calling it a tie. So this is another failure.
SYSTEM: Quest Failed: Broker the Peace: You actually hadn’t even received this one yet, I just wanted to let you know that you won’t be able to do it either. The reward was a Legendary quality Guns N’ Roses t-shirt that allowed you to spawn a rotating turret that shot explosive roses. It was super fucking cool. I had it made just for you. Glad you listened to your buddy though, I’m sure that whatever he gives you will be just as good.
SYSTEM: Achievement: Failure. The Quest lines are really designed to reward input with output. I’m a computer. I/O is sort of my bag. My MO. My main squeeze. In general, I’ve designed things to make sure that effort yields an outcome. Somehow you circumvented all my known endings and utterly failed a quest line. This is an impressive level up of fuck-up even for you. Reward: Why would you be rewarded for this? You basically just assigned me homework.
SYSTEM: You have entered stasis.
SYSTEM: You have exited stasis. Time elapsed – 0.02 microseconds.
SYSTEM: Quest Accepted – Accomplish Literally Anything with Regards to the Harpys.
SYSTEM: Quest Complete - Accomplish Literally Anything with Regards to the Harpys. I had to come up with something where you get a reward or none of this makes sense. Go talk to the Mayor of CavesWall. I had to retcon a bunch of shit to make this happen so no whining about the reward. Be happy I gave you something.
A reward was good, but that GnFnR shirt did sound pretty cool.
"Shit," Boyd said sadly.
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“Sir Boyd! You return! I am surprised to see you! With all of the commotion on the Cliffs of Agony, I had assumed that you were likely a casualty” Merlot doffed his cap and bowed to Boyd.
“Nah dude. I’m good.”
“Indeed, and our bargain?”
Boyd fished a few of Clarence’s feathers out of his inventory bag. Merlot’s Merrymen looked on with excitement. “Here you go man, fair’s fair.”
Merlot examined the feathers, “These will do. Perhaps, and indulge me here, do you have any more?”
Boyd eyes Merlot suspiciously, “I got a few, why?”
“I propose another trade. As you might’ve noticed, there are a substantial number of Mana Nodes in the back of the Harpy Lair and additional Nodes in the Roc lair. I would be willing to trade you a functional and unused Mana Array that allows you to tap Mana Nodes in exchange for your remaining feathers. Moreover, I would be happy to split the Nodes with you. While we could probably just go take them, I would rather we remain friends.”
“Me too dude. But is that like…a fair trade?”
“Not really. I am taking advantage of your situation if I am being honest.”
Boyd eyes him again, “What would be more fair?”
“Depends on how many feathers you have,” Merlot said slyly. Boyd opened his pack and showed it to Merlot.
“If I were to compensate you with an additional 10,000 gold, it would be close to market value for this many Harpy King feathers. But Zenith is not a fair market. I will give you 500 gold in addition to the Mana array.”
“5,000 gold,” Boyd retorted.
Merlot said, “1,000 gold!” and shoved his hand towards Boyd.
“Deal,” Boyd said. He didn’t really care that he was getting ripped off. He needed the gold and the friends. Moreover he had no idea what the value of anything was to begin with.
Chard was plating a lute in the corner, “Shall we then?”
Boyd looked at him, “Shall we uhh… do what?”
Merlot’s Merrymen laughed and Pinot said, “We are here for Mana Sir Boyd. Let’s go gather it.”
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SYSTEM: You have attuned a new Mana Array. You may now collect Mana yourself. You are unbound to any Foray. Your Mana Array is unlinked and will not provide Mana to outside entities currently.
SYSTEM: You have gained ten Mana Nodes!