Dear Journal,

I’m still trying to get over Mr. Williams and Hattie, but it’s really hard. Harder than getting over the rest of the world even was, which feels weird to me, but maybe because this is horrible, but it doesn’t feel as overwhelmingly life-altering, you know? Even if it is life-altering, because none of us have been back to the coffee shop since, and I don’t think my mom’s been away from the coffee shop for this long since the day signed the papers for it. But I’m trying my hardest to just like not think about it at all, because I don’t think they would have wanted me to be super depressed like all the time, and if I think about them too much, I get super depressed, because why the fuck would someone do something like that??

At least the coffee stayed relatively consistent, though! Along with the coffee beans that my mom had grabbed, it turns out that one of the bags that my mom had packed was full of coffee syrups, and on one of the very first raids that Jared and I had been on, we’d found a ton of probably way too roasted almonds, so we’d been making almond milk with that on occasion. Jared and I, probably in an attempt to distract ourselves more than anything, had claimed a table in the corner of the kitchen and made a coffee bar out of it. It wasn’t the ideal situation, obviously, but considering it was after the end of the world, I think we were all just lucky that there even was such a thing as caramel syrup.

Rex finally came back to the power plant the day after we set up the coffee bar, as though his want for coffee was what had actually lured him back. And man, he was super gross when he got back, too! He was covered in ash, and it stuck so much in some places that it almost looked like he had spots! But he still made sure to stop and get a black coffee before he headed back to his room to take a shower.

He, of course, had his own permanent room with a giant shower, but I guess that wasn’t very surprising since he actually owned the place. I was admittedly kind of jealous about it - while the couches were significantly better than the coffee bags, I still didn’t really have a space to call my own or anything.

Anyway, Hansen came down to get some coffee of his own not too long after that, and he told me that even though he was sad about my friends, he said that he was super happy that I was going to be staying here now! Isn’t that so romantic?

Hansen and I were deep in conversation, Jared rolling his eyes behind us as if he wasn’t just jealous that Bryce wasn’t immediately falling at his feet (because I’m pretty sure he has a huge crush on Bryce, journal! She’s nowhere near his league, but I guess it’s not like there’s a lot of guys our age around here anymore, anyway), when Rex came back down. He was still kind of wet from the shower, and he was just in a towel, which felt like it was super awkward, right?? But it’s also like his house, so who are we to call him on it? But even Hansen gave him kind of a weird look, so clearly he thought it was weird, too.

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But anyway, Rex was all like “so, I heard your friends died so you’re staying here now, which is excellent,” and Jared was all like “um, it’s not excellent that our friends died, what the fuck,” which I honestly agreed with. But then Rex was like “no, not that your friends died, obviously, but it’s great that you’ll be here because we need more young people about,” which is honestly such a weird dad thing to say that it kind of made me laugh because Rex didn’t feel very much like a dad most of the time.

He asked me where my mom was, and I said that I didn’t know, but she was probably still sleeping because ever since we moved here, it seemed like she gave up getting up early in the morning, which was so funny to me because she always got up early without an alarm, and now when there is an alarm, she finally decides to sleep in. But anyway, Rex was like, oh, that’s too bad, because I wanted to talk to her about the partnering program I wanted to implement, which I think is so weird because like, what, are they supposed to be working together or something? Because he’d made it pretty clear that he wanted to leave and just have my mom be his backup if anything. She’s probably be pretty excited if he were to offer something like that, though!

Anyway, since we got here, Bryce has pretty much been a loner too - part of me wonders if she was closer to Mr. Williams and Hattie because she stayed back so often, or if she is just an emotional person in general, but she seems like she’s been really depressed. I tried to tell her that if she ever wanted to talk or anything, I’d be around because like, it’s not like I really have anything else to do, and she thanked me and said she’d think about it. She hasn’t talked to me about it, though. I basically haven’t even seen her other than kind of in passing for the last couple of days. I think she just wants to be alone, which I totally get.

Jared is still here, though, much to my annoyance, and it seems like he’s decided to stick to me even closer than he was before, like he’s worried that someone is going to get to me in the middle of the power plant, which seems super unlikely since they’d have to get through the guy at the front door. But on the plus side, Hansen has also been around a lot, and even if I can’t hang out alone with him because of my shadow Jared, it’s been great getting a chance to get to know him more! I don’t know if we would have hung out in the same circles in school - I don’t know if I ever met someone from cross country, although I remember hearing about it in the announcements - but when there’s like four of us in our age group left in the world, he’s as close to a friend as I can get. Especially when my actual friend is acting anti-social.

Maybe I’ll try to chat with Bryce tomorrow and see if I can get her to come to the coffee bar with us. She never really got into the coffee making part of living at the coffee shop, but she could totally learn now! And frankly, the coffee maker that they had at the power plant was way better for someone who was just starting to make coffee, anyway. I can totally get why espresso makers seemed like they were super complicated, but just about anyone can figure out a Mr. Coffee.

I’d better get to sleep - Hansen said that he was going to go out and scavenge tomorrow, and I said I would go with him, and I don’t want to be super tired for our first actual date!

Love,

Kayla