Dear Journal,

The bad news is, I fucked up. The good news is that I could have fucked up way worse, so I guess that’s always something that I should be grateful about, right?

So this morning, I went down to breakfast like I usually do, you know? And Rex was there like usual. And just to kill the silence when I was making my eggs, I was like “you know, it’s always so weird that nobody ever comes down here while I’m eating breakfast! Must be because I’m such a bad influence!”

I thought I had ruined my whole secret with Hansen right there, journal, but luckily, he didn’t seem to catch on to it. Rex just raised one of his way too bushy eyebrows and was like “where the hell did get that idea” and I was like “I don’t know, it just seems like you don’t like me very much,” and he was like “I come eat breakfast with you every day, do you think I’d do that if I didn’t like you?” And I was like “I mean, I don’t know your schedule, so maybe you just wake up at this time anyway,” and he was like “nah, I come because I want to talk to you,” which frankly kind of creeped me out after everything that Hansen and Garrett had said about him, but I just shrugged it off because like, it wasn’t like he was about to walk me out into the desert for not knowing that he wanted to hang out with me or something.

We ate the rest of breakfast and I was pretty quiet as he told me that he got a chance to talk to my mom about the partnership program he wanted to do, but she was against it. He asked me what I thought about it, but since I wasn’t paying attention when he was talking about it the first time, I just said that I didn’t care, because honestly, he could make anyone he wanted his partner and it wouldn’t really affect me at all unless they like imposed curfews or something. And I was kind of expecting him to push back on that because he pushed back on a lot, but he just kind of smiled and said that was good.

Because he was in such a good mood, I decided I could risk it - I asked him who Daniel was. And of course, he immediately asked me how I knew who Daniel was, and I was like, oh, I heard some of the power plant people talking about him, and he looked like he didn’t really believe me at all, but at least he didn’t push it. He just was like “well then, you probably know that Daniel was here for a while, and then he started causing trouble and got himself kicked out,” and I was like “what sort of trouble was he causing?” And he was like “why do you want to know? Do you want to try to follow him down the same path?” And I was like “no, I don’t want to leave the power plant because running water and electricity is too great to leave up, I was just curious,” and he was like “well, he was just doing stuff to purposely try to upset the group is all, but we can’t be having that around here, and when we asked him to stop, he didn’t.” And frankly, journal, that’s scary to me, too - like, am I going to get kicked out just because I piss some people off? I hope not, because I swear some of the workers from the power plant are already annoyed with me. Maybe I’d better hang out outside even more for a while.

The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

But anyway, I decided to drop it after that, because I felt lucky enough that I hadn’t accidentally said anything about Hansen, so I instead asked him how his recent raids had gone, and he started telling me some story about something he’d found in the city that I didn’t even care about. Like, I swear he was talking like he was the best scavenger out there, but Jared and I always found way more than anything I’ve ever seen him bring in. Hansen’s brought in more, too, although I’m not sure if it’s cheating since it was from the coffee shop. But anyway, Rex said that he hoped I’d come with him on one of his next raids, and I said maybe, if only because it would be an excuse to almost go on a sort of vacation, but I also didn’t think I’d really be that interested in going on a trip with Rex. Maybe I could make an exception if Hansen was going to come with.

But anyway, once Rex left, I went to go hang out with Garrett like I usually do, and I told him everything that Rex said. And Garrett was like “that’s total bullshit, Daniel might have caused a little trouble, but really it was just because Rex was worried that everyone liked Daniel more and he thought we might leave the coffee shop.” I asked him why Rex cared if they left the coffee shop, and he said that he didn’t think Rex really cared about any of them except for Hansen, and he wouldn’t want Hansen to leave because he’s his son, but he wouldn’t want the other of them to leave because then he wouldn’t have control over them anymore. Garrett said that that’s why he wasn’t planning on leaving anyway, even though he thought it would be safer to be away from Rex if possible. I asked him why he thought it would be safer, and he was like “I told you he killed him, right?” And I was like “yeah, but Rex says he just sent him off into the desert”, so Garrett was like “okay, I’ll prove it to you if you meet me out here tomorrow morning before breakfast.” So I guess tomorrow I just don’t get any breakfast, which really kind of sucks. Or I guess I could go sneak back into the kitchen and grab some muffins quick so I can eat them while I’m getting ready tomorrow. That might be the best bet.

Maybe I’ll ask Hansen if he wants to sneak there with me when he gets here tonight. I doubt he will, because that’s way riskier than a locked room, but what’s the fun of having no risk at all?

I wonder exactly what Garrett and I are going to do tomorrow. From the little bit he said, he made it sound like we’d be taking a hike, and it’s going to be so weird to go out there without Jared. I hardly haven’t even seen him for the last few weeks, and while I’m glad that he’s found someone to spend time with, I almost kind of miss the little freak. Not as much as I miss Bryce, though. Or really as much as I miss having any female friends. Or even any friends other than Garret, who might not even like me, or Hansen, who can only be my friend behind closed doors.

I used to think high school was complicated. But all the socializing in the world could have never prepared me for this, I don’t think.

Love,

Kayla