“Hey, do you think we should get a cassette player? I found a box of tapes, and some tunes might be nice.” Horan put a shoebox filled with cassettes, VHS tapes and floppy disks on the abandoned garden wall he and Mark were gathered around.
Mark fingered through the box. “Wow, this stuff is older than I am. What kind of person keeps this stuff?” He picked a VHS and inspected it. “The things you find in the apocalypse, I guess. Are there even any cassette players left anymore?”
“You haven’t answered my question, by the way.” Horan ran through the box and picked out everything that looked uninteresting. “Even I’m starting to get bored of I Spy.”
“Only now? I’ve wanted to die every time you’ve brought it up. And where’s the food?” Mark looked behind Horan. “Please don’t tell me you only got the 80’s stuff.”
“Oh, right, the food. The-“
“The whole reason we stopped here, yeah.” Mark facepalmed. “Sorry if my existence isn’t as eternal as yours, O Mighty Horan, lord of all the light touches. A lowly human such as myself must busy myself with things like working and not starving to death. I am but a-”
“Okay, I get it.” Horan interrupted Mark and tossed the shoebox away, sending it flying through a window down the street. “Well, Istanbul is only a few hours from here. I say we leave the space in the car open and just see if there’s a five-star restaurant or something to hit up while we pass through.”
Mark shook his head disappointedly. “And here I thought you were learning. Rule number one of wasteland survival: Never assume you’ll be able to do something in the future. Istanbul could be occupied, or flooded, or filled with radiation. We’re looting this town now, and we’ll pick up any surplus we might find in the city.”
Horan moaned. “Fine. And all this wasteland survival stuff would be easier to learn if you wrote a book on it or something.”
“Rule number two of wasteland survival: Books are for dweebs.”
“That has nothing to do with survival!”
“Doesn’t make it any less true. Alright, let’s hit that deli down the road. And look for food this time. And fuel, I guess. Fuel would be nice.”
-
Erlani led the squadron of new recruits out to the suburbs, touching down on the roof of a garage. “Alright, new guys. This is our scavenging area. Look for stuff that looks useful, then bring it back at the end of the day. Any questions?”
One of the demons raised her hand, still slightly cloven from her days as a goat. Erlani sighed. “That was meant to be rhetorical, but fine, go ahead.”
The demon lowered her arm. “How are we supposed to know what’s useful, sir? Can you give us a prep course?”
Erlani suppressed a groan. “Fine. But pay attention, because I really don’t want to do this twice.” He floated down to street level, followed shortly by the group. “What I wouldn’t do for an actual training programme…”
-
“So then Rachna grabbed the butter from my hands, and he said, ‘If I can’t ha…’” Horan trailed off as he broke into barely-suppressed chortles. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I can’t finish that one. It’s too much!” He snickered.
Mark, more bored than anything, closed the door to the fridge he was looking through and moved on to the next. “Seriously, do you have any stories about that guy you can actually finish? Because if you do, don’t tell them to me. Because I don’t care.”
“Oh, c’mon, just let me tell you one! Rachna’s awesome!” Horan threw away the shirt he’d found in the Lost & Found and began examining one at the bottom of the pile. “Like, one time, he… Oh no.”
Mark hurriedly shut the fridge door and snapped over to look at Horan. “What is it? And don’t say that shirt looks nice, we established that we only say ‘Oh no’ for actual problems.”
Horan pointed out the window. “Flying person, looks like a demon.”
“Alright, scatter!” Mark climbed inside the nearby fridge, leaving it open a chink. Horan shifted into a falcon and flew up into an open ventilation shaft.
Erlani entered the deli through the front door, the demons trailing behind him. “Alright, this is the kind of building where you find food.” He gestured to the aisles. “You usually find the long-lasting stuff on these shelves, but another place they keep food is in one of these.” He walked over to one of the fridges and opened it to reveal Mark inside.
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The two stared silently at one another for a few seconds, Erlani’s third eye boring into Mark’s soul. After a short while of neither making a move, Mark cautiously spoke. “There wouldn’t be a chance we could just move on and forget about this, would there?”
Erlani regained his composure and gestured for the remaining demons to watch. “Can I see your citizen ID?”
Mark pressed himself further into the fridge. “Uh…”
Erlani stepped forward to trap Mark inside, then turned to the other demons. “Now, here we have an intruder. What you’re meant to do here is apprehend them and take them to the Galata, like so:” He turned back to Mark and bent down to grab him.
Mark shrank back from Erlani’s grasp. “Get ‘em!”
Erlani paused in confusion. “…What?”
“BANZAI!” Horan shifted back into his true form and dove to the floor, hurling the lesser demons out of the building with a surge of wind. He summoned his sword and turned to swing it at Erlani, but the blade was stopped mid-swing.
Erlani, holding Horan’s sword over his head, unslung his spear with his other hand. “Oh, come on! I just enlightened those guys.” He looked up at Horan and noticed the eyepatch over the left eye. “Oh… Ho ho HO!” He pushed Horan away and raised his weapon. “If it isn’t Horan himself! I’ve been hoping to get my hands on you for a while now.” His composure dissolved and he relaxed into a far more excited pose. “The name’s Erlani. I’ve heard good things about your fighting.”
Horan brought his sword between him and Erlani. “You heard wrong, but okay.” He looked over Erlani’s shoulder at Mark quietly climbing out of the fridge and drawing his pistols. Horan continued talking to Erlani. “Look, I’m really not on my A-game right now, and I’m just trying to be on my way. Sorry about those other guys, uh, maybe I can come back later and we can fight for real. Sounds fun, but maybe later. Bye!”
Horan turned, floated into the air and started flying off, but Erlani quickly grabbed his ankle and held him in place. “Yeah, no. That stunt isn’t gonna work on me, sorry.”
Horan squirmed in the air. “Are you sure? Because I can allegedly be very persuasive when I want to be. You better watch out.”
“Not very relevant at this point. Now stop stalling, it’s been too long since I got to kill someone!” Erlani threw Horan to the ground. “And don’t bother trying to run, I’m faster than you any-“
Erlani stopped when he felt someone tap his shoulder. When he turned, Mark had his pistols raised to Erlani’s face the same way he’d done with Thel two weeks prior.
Once Mark had finished unloading his guns into Erlani, the Primus took a step back, towards Horan. His face was scrunched up in discomfort and he stumbled slightly. “Ow, rude. Okay, I’ll deal with you later.”
Erlani shoved Mark who was thrown back into the fridge he had hidden in. The fridge slammed into the wall and toppled forward, the door closing as it hit the floor. Erlani turned back to Horan, who was doing his best to hide his fear. Erlani saw through that act immediately, quite literally. “Sorry about that. Back to you.”
Horan was immediately put on the retreat when Erlani savagely dove towards him, Horan barely able to keep up with his barrage of strikes. Horan took to the air, but Erlani easily kept pace without even slowing down his assault.
“C’mon, make this fun! I don’t get a good fight every year, you know!” Erlani brought his spear down onto Horan, knocking the Primus back to the ground. Horan quickly got up and clumsily leapt out of the way of Erlani’s follow-up swing.
“I’m not doubting you on that, but I think we might have different priorities!” Horan let loose a blast of wind focused on Erlani, who barely noticed the concussive force. Horan stepped back nervously. “For example, dying would be kind of a bummer!”
“Oh, grow a spine.” Erlani strode towards Horan, brandishing his polearm. “Dying to my blade is a good way to go, and it’s not like you have anything left to live for.”
“LIVING IS A THING TO LIVE FOR!” Horan shifted into a bird and flew through an open window into a nearby building, followed by Erlani.
Erlani vaulted through the window and looked through the seemingly empty house. “That’s stupid. At least we actually get something out of this if I win. If I bring your head to Lord Thel, he’ll promote me from his Number Two to… uh… whatever’s above that.”
Horan’s voice sounded out behind a closed door. “If all you get out of this is a promotion-“ The voice stopped as Erlani hurled his spear through the door, cleaving through the wall and demolishing the room beyond. The only moving objects inside were a few rustling pieces of paper. Horan spoke again, this time behind Erlani. “That’s not going to work. You’re not finding me anytime soon, and I’d like us to talk a little. Like adults. Can you do that, pal?”
Erlani growled as he walked over and picked up his spear. “This isn’t fun, Horan. If you just keep running and hiding, I might have to get my troops to help me find you. And delegating sucks, don’t make me do it.”
“Then hear me out. If you work with me here, we can end this simply and easily, okay?”
“…Fine.” Erlani sslung his weapon over his back. “Start talking, you have until I get bored.”
“Radical.” Horan squirmed out of a microwave and shifted into his human form, careful not to hit his head on the ceiling. “And you promise not to kill me until after I’ve finished speaking, right?”
“Eh, I guess.”
“I’ve never felt safer in my life.” Horan cleared his throat. “Now, this game of cat and mouse we’ve been playing has been wonderful fun, but I choose life over not-life and I’m sure a Primus of your calibre has better things to be doing with his time.”
“Not really, I haven’t had this much fun since I first signed up with Lord Thel.”
Horan winced slightly. “Oh, good for you… Well, I’m sure it’s gonna get boring pretty fast, and this is gonna be way more work than it’s worth. So, I’m willing to turn myself in on the condition that you don’t kill me. That way, you get that hypothetical promotion from Thel, and I get to live! That sounds like quite the win-win to me.”
Erlani thought for a moment. “…Okay. But only because I can tell that you’re gonna suck all the fun out of getting murdered.”
“Yeah, killing me really sucks, lemme tell you.” Horan stepped forward and extended his hands. “Take me away, boss.”
Erlani grabbed Horan by one arm and rocketed through the ceiling, dragging Horan behind him. As Horan was led away, he focused and created one last gust of wind down below. It was all up to Mark now.