Mark was abruptly woken by a light slap to the face. Reflexively grabbing the offending hand, Mark shot up and twisted the arm he grabbed. Horan frantically tried to free himself with his other hand.
“Ow! Ow! I’m sorry! Time out, time out!”
Mark let go of Horan, who nursed his twisted skin. “What was that for?!”
Mark stretched nonchalantly. “Don’t touch me when I’m asleep. If a gun had been in reach, there’s a fifty-fifty chance you’d be dead right now.”
“I’ll, uh, keep that in mind.”
“So, why’d you wake me up? Are we under attack?” Mark looked out the window, but the view was still only sand and rocks.
“No, I was bored and wanted to talk to someone.”
“You… Woke me up… So we could make small talk?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m going back to sleep.” Mark lay back down and curled up, but Horan started gently shaking him.
“C’mon, buddy, early bird gets the worm. I would know.”
Mark glanced at the clock. “IT’S FOUR IN THE MORNING!”
“Well, I’m up, and I’m not letting you sleep anymore. Up and at ‘em.”
“Ugh…” Mark sat up and pulled up the seat. “Pass me a can.”
Horan rummaged around in the back. “Honestly, I’m glad we dealt with that Iman guy. If anyone ever found out I’d run from a guy like that, I’d never live it down.”
“Well, I’d never let you live it down if you’d gotten us killed because of your suicidal sense of pride.”
“If it makes you feel any better about it, I couldn’t actually leave the town without wrapping up the bounty. Because, y’know, ‘pure order and truth’, and all that.”
“I… guess that makes it better? You were still an idiot for making that promise in the first place, though.”
“I’m not fighting you on that. How’s creamed corn sound?”
“Sounds fine, give it here.” Mark took the can and opener from Horan. “Looks like the ‘truth’ part of that title wasn’t very accurate, eh?”
“Yeah. I’m still proud of that one.”
“I’m still surprised you actually thought of a plan.”
“Plan? Pfft. That was total improv.”
Mark froze in place. “You… Didn’t have a plan? At all?”
“None.”
“Do you have any idea how bad things could have gone if that hadn’t worked?”
“Yup.”
“Then why did you do it?”
“Doesn’t matter, it worked.”
Mark buried his head in his hands. “I’ll never understand you.”
“Humans will never understand the mind of a Primus.”
“That’s just because there’s nothing in there to understand.”
“Oh, shut up.”
“That’s not going to work on me, pal.”
Horan grinned. “Or will it? After all, I managed to weasel out some of that juicy mysterious backstory out of you.”
Mark sighed. “I really need to start thinking my words through.”
Horan chuckled. “Soldier, eh? That explains a lot.”
“You’re not getting any more, so you might as well forget about that one.”
Horan shook his head condescendingly. “You know your simple human brain can’t resist my schemes. Soon, you’ll be monologuing like Iman.”
Mark laughed quietly. “Oh, right. How much do you want to bet he rehearsed those?”
This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.
Horan picked up the can opener and opened up a can of peas. “Oh, absolutely. I think I heard someone say a bunch of those lines, word for word, at a party a while ago.”
“Yeah, who talks like that? ‘While you humans were busy dealing with things like food, I stud…” Mark paused. “…Do Primoi need to eat?”
Horan, in the middle of scooping out a handful of peas, paused and dropped the peas back into the can. “…No. Why?”
“You’ve been eating my supplies this whole time when you didn’t even need to?!”
“I like the taste, okay?”
“Of what? All food? I need that stuff to live!” Mark snatched the can from Horan’s hand. “Come on, these were perfectly good peas. Came with free water and everything.”
“I wasn’t done with that!”
“Shame, you’re not getting any more. Wait, you’re a bird, right?”
Horan scooted back ever so slightly. “Only sometimes. The rest of me is very unappetizing and counts as cannibalism.”
“Don’t birds, like, puke their food into their kids’ mouths?”
“That sounds absolutely disgusting, so, probably.”
The two of them stared at the other for a solid ten seconds, neither daring to move. Mark spoke slowly, not moving at all as he did.
“Give me my food back.”
“Not in another 5,000 years.”
“You’ve gone through like six cans, that could’ve lasted me a week.”
“You’re the grossest human I’ve ever met.”
“I do what I must in these harsh times.”
“I’m not puking my food back up so you can re-eat it. Unlike you, I have standards.”
“Gimme!” Mark lunged at Horan, who fended him off with one leg.
“I need it back!” yelled Mark, grinning to himself.
“My delicious treasures are mine and mine alone!” retorted Horan, almost cracking up.
Mark fell back, giggling uncontrollably. Horan joined him immediately after. After a while, Mark managed to get himself under control and waited until Horan calmed down before speaking.
“But seriously, You’re not getting any food anymore.”
“Hmph. Fine.” Horan got back up as Mark slid into the driver’s seat and turned the ignition. As Mark started driving, he looked back at Horan in the rear-view mirror.
“So, um, are we cool after yesterday?”
“Define ‘cool’. Because it’s not you.”
“Alright then. Glad we got that cleared up.” Mark smiled, just a little, as he continued heading north.
-
“Just… Explain to me exactly what you’re asking, in the simplest terms you can. Because I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Honestly, I never know what anyone is talking about. I just get someone to fill me in on the details once we’re done.”
Thel rubbed his temples. “I don’t see what’s so hard to understand here. All I want is a device compact enough to carry on my person inconspicuously that plays a creepy violin refrain whenever I appear dramatically! You two are the best smiths in the world, this should be easy for you!”
Nyr looked over at his new colleague Nikamas, who looked back at the him and shrugged. Nyr turned back to Thel.
“Correct me if I’m wrong, I’m just trying to figure out a way to actually make what you’re requesting, but it sounds to me like you want us to build you a magical speaker, with an enchantment that lets you telepathically activate it at will?”
“Yeah, that’s perfect!” Thel leaned back in his throne. “That’s easy for you two, right?”
Nikamas tilted his hand “I’m more used to making armour, but I’m probably able.”
Nyr nodded. “Yeah, same. I know a rune wizard who can set up the telepathic link. And, in exchange, you won’t kill us when you conquer our Domains?”
Thel nodded.
Nikamas spoke up. “Violin might be hard to set up. I’m not too familiar with the instrument. Can we do something else?”
Thel steepled his hands in his lap. “Well, it would be a violin in an ideal world, but my runner-up instrument was an ominous manly choir.”
Nyr perked up. “That, I can do.”
Thel clapped and got up, suddenly towering over both the dwarf and the cyclops. “Sounds good. You two make me my dramatic intro music machine, and in exchange, I’ll refrain from killing both of you! Good deal for all three of us!”
Nyr started walking out of the throne room. “Okay, then. I should have the enchantments ready in a week.”
Nikamas followed suit. “Same here.”
As the two smiths left the palace, muttering about the dubiousness of Thel’s mental stability, the Primus summoned a papyrus scroll and quill and started writing. “Dear Diary, today I commissioned a dwarf and a cyclops to make me a villain theme player. Now, I can finally…”
Erlani walked in on his boss writing in the diary and waited impatiently for Thel to finish. Once Thel put the scroll away in the cushions of his throne, Erlani spoke.
“Lord Thel, our expeditionary forces have crossed into Europe, but the Greeks are putting up considerable resistance. What should we do?”
Thel thought for a moment. “How’s the eastern front doing?”
“The Indians still aren’t budging, and a few Chinese Primoi have been sighted among their front lines.”
Thel sighed. “Fine then. Move all forces from the African front to Greece. The sooner we can get rid of the big players, the better. And you know what? I’ll let you treat yourself. Go oversee the Greek front yourself.”
Erlani pumped his arm subtly. “You won’t regret that, Lord Thel. I’ll have those Greeks dealt with in no time.”
“Don’t make hyperbolic promises around me, Earl. You know that’s a bad idea.”
“Oh. Uh, right. Well, uh, the Greeks will be dead before the Indians. I can promise you that.”
“That’s better. Alright, no dawdling, now. Better start heading to the front.”
“Yes, Lord Thel.” Erlani flew off, quietly celebrating to himself. Thel watched him fly off, a mix of pride and satisfaction on his face.
“What a great henchman. Great job picking him, Thel. Thanks, Thel.”