“Bluh, morning breath,” muttered Horan as he removed his face from a rough, slightly sticky material.
“Rise and shine, loser.”
Horan groaned. “Go away, mom. Had a weird dream, I was fighting Thel again, and there was this human…” He opened his eyes and saw that, no, he wasn’t in his royal bedroom. He was in the back of a car with the human.
“Oh, right then, it wasn’t a dream.” He rubbed his eyes.
“Can’t get rid of me that easy.” Mark grinned slightly. “Man, you were out like a light. I crossed the bridge, had dinner, went to bed, got up and went back to driving before you woke up. Also, your hands twitch when you smell food, it looks like you’re using a knife and fork. It’s adorable.”
Horan got up into a sitting position and scratched his back. “You had dinner without me? Dude, that stings.”
“Well, I didn’t want to interrupt your peaceful sleep, dude.”
“Oh, you’re one to talk, mister ‘brain-dead disappointment’!”
Mark chuckled. “Wow, I really did say that, huh? Sorry, I can get hostile when I’m stressed out.”
Horan dug through the canned food Mark had stockpiled in the back of the car. “No worries. Hey, do you have a can opener?”
“Yeah, it’s in that net thing, off to the side.”
“Yeah, I see it.”
Horan opened a can of beans and warmed it up on the Hotplate Mark passed him. For a few minutes, Horan ate in silence, wishing he could get something better to eat, while Mark gazed out at the cloudy horizon. Eventually, Horan broke the silence.
“So, how long will it take to get to Greece in this thing?”
Mark pulled out a map of Europe, which contained their route in the bottom right corner. “Oh yeah, I did the math while you were asleep. Given my average driving speed, and if we can drive for eight hours a day, I figure it’ll take us about two weeks. Unless more stuff like the bridge happens.”
Horan nodded. “Good, good. Two weeks until I can get my throne back.”
“You mean two weeks until I can find someone to get you off my hands.”
“Pfft, like the Greeks would let you do that to me.”
“Only one way to find out.”
“Yup.”
“Yeah.”
Horan finished his breakfast and stared into the can. He let out a deep sigh and threw the empty can to the floor. “Ugh, I can’t do this for two weeks!”
Mark let out his breath. “Glad you said it first. I don’t know how to deal with another person in the car with me!”
“What? I don’t know how to deal with only one other person to talk to! And with you, where do I start? ‘Say, that weather sure is cloudy today!’ What do humans talk about?”
“I don’t know, I haven’t had a normal conversation with someone in years!”
“Wait, what?” Horan slowed down and looked at Mark quizzically. “What do you mean, you haven’t had a conversation in years?”
Mark waved his hands noncommittally. “I mean what I said. I’ve been a lone wanderer type since the Nabbing, as you called it, and before then, the only person I could reasonably call my friend didn’t speak English. I don’t remember the last time I sat down with someone and just… talked about stuff.”
Horan leaned back. “Hm. I guess the last time was right now. With the ancient immortal you plan to sell into gold slavery.”
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Mark laughed. “Man, my life has seriously gotten out of hand, huh?”
“I think that it’s gotten out of hand for everyone, Primus or human.”
“Oh yeah? And what’s happening on your end?”
Horan shrugged slowly. “Just… Things. There are more demon attacks in the east, the Primoi have started dying off a lot, the works. It’s just a rough patch in general. Thel is still kind of the big one, though. I guess we’re just used to Deus keeping everything in check for us.”
“Yikes, and I thought things were weird when it was just you and the other Egyptians.”
“Dude, we’re tame compared to what the other Domains have on their plates. The Norse have some prophecy about the complete eradication of their entire Domain waiting to come true. Egypt doesn’t even do prophecies.”
“Honestly, it sounds like you’d be better off as an enslaved gold farm.”
“Nah, we all know you’re not gonna do that to your ol’ pal Horan.”
In an instant, Mark’s soft countenance hardened back into the cold visage he’d had back at the canal. “I’m not your friend, you know. We’re just talking, and this doesn’t change anything.” He pulled out a pistol and got out of the car. “There’s an old town nearby. I’m gonna scavenge for supplies. I’ll be back in two hours.
Horan leaned out of the window as Mark walked off. “Aw, c’mon! We had a connection going, we were bonding!”
“No we weren’t, now stay in the car,” said Mark, not looking back or slowing down.
“Fine,” muttered Horan as he rolled the window back up and slunk back into the seat. “But mark my words, I will make you want to be my friend, and I’ll prove once and for all that I don’t need you for anything. You’ll see. Eventually.”
-
Sentor, small-time Egyptian Primus, was thrown to the floor in front of Thel. The two demons, who had taken her from her quarters that she had been locked inside, stepped out of the throne room.
Thel clapped excitedly. “Sentor! How are ya? How has your stay in your room been? How’s the crown look on me? Is the crown too much?” He fiddled with his headdress that he had taken from Horan.
Sentor cautiously stood up. “Um…”
Thel examined Sentor’s expression and sighed. “Yeah, the crown’s too much.” He took off the crown, held it in his hands and incinerated it in a gout of scarlet energy. He looked back up at a terrified Sentor and chuckled. “Oh, don’t worry about me violently murdering you like I did with those folks at the banquet. That’s not why I had my mooks bring you here. See, you know how I’m in the process of conquering the entire world?”
Sentor looked around. “Yeah, you said something about that?”
Thel continued. “Well, there are quite a few folks I’m taking interest who I’ll likely run into during my invasions. Orsinus, the High Emperor, Deus. Primoi like that. And if I do manage to subjugate them, I wanna have a good villain monologue ready. So I had you brought here as a sort of… test dummy. Someone to give constructive feedback, someone to help me figure out what questions might be asked. The works. I singled you out since you’re probably the nicest Primus I know. You’ll have a more helpful perspective, I figure. And, no matter what you say or do, I won’t kill you or anything. So, go ahead and hit me. Questions. Go.”
Sentor paused before responding. “Wait, villain monologue? So, you know you’re the bad guy here?”
Thel leaned forward. “Oh, absolutely! I’ve wanted to be the big bad for millennia! I mean, I’ve spent all this time as the object of ridicule, no respect to my name. But now, I have minions! Henchmen! I have a proverbial ‘dragon’ in the form of my buddy Earl! I can enact my diabolical schemes of infinite domination and just… make other people do it for me! It’s great! Now, everyone will finally fear my power! People will at long last treat me as a superior!”
Sentor boggled at the imposing immortal. “Are you telling me that you want to take over the world because you want respect? You’re deranged!”
Thel smiled. “Harsh words. I’m sure I have a couple screws loose, but who cares? Everyo… Okay, the survivors will thank me when I’m done. Think about all the good I can do with absolute power! I can stop all those apocalypse prophecies, ensure that no Domain will ever be forgotten again! So I have to kill anyone who doesn’t want to be ruled by me, but this situation isn’t all bad!”
Sentor stepped back. “You really think you’re doing the right thing here? You’ve chained your friends, your family, to their rooms, while you and your demons conquer and enslave the world! I liked you before! You were respected, everyone pretty much forgot about your war with Horan! You’re doing this for nothing!”
Thel sighed. “Oh, Sentor. It’s cute that you think I don’t know about what you all say behind my back. How about this: If it’s so hard being locked in your rooms, how about I give the Domain something to do? Yeah. Starting tomorrow morning, I’ll set you all to helping in the slave quarries. Monuments to my power will go a lot faster with some good ol’ superhuman assistance.”
Before Sentor could protest, Thel waved a hand and his demon guard grabbed Sentor by the arms again. Thel waved to her as she was dragged back to her room. “See you in the morning!”
It was only once she was locked back up that Thel realized that he hadn’t been monologuing about topics relevant to his enemies. He sighed and duplicated himself, beginning the routine over again, now with himself as the sole witness.