Chapter 45: They Care
She perched herself in a tree near the fire for her fourth consecutive watch. The suns and moons without rest were something she had been trained to ignore the effects of since she was a kit, though a prolonged period of a regular sleeping schedule had dulled that particular habit to a degree that she may need to accept the Grand Hunter’s offer, if only to refresh her alertness.
She glanced down towards the Human, the male adamantly claiming first watch despite her vigilance. A strip of doubt within her suggested that he did not trust her ability to provide proof of her claims, but the worry on his face as he watched the foliage only ever seemed to abate when he noticed her. A curious male for him to seem so invested in the operations of his tools without scrutiny.
She watched him for a moment, waiting to confirm if the phenomena of his perception continued into this moon as well. Her approach had been silent and from behind, so he couldn’t have laid eyes on her. Everything about her position and method was perfect.
Joseph perked up slightly, though the tiredness was starting to get to him. He rapidly checked around until he squinted in her direction, a smile forming as his shoulders relaxed. He offered a small wave and gestured for her to join him, but she merely chose a new tree further out to increase her radius of observation.
Verse six: Only one shall know your presence
The familiar memory that had burned itself within her resonated throughout her ears again. Ever since she heard that name.
Tel rested upon the branch of her new perch, taking a moment to listen for anything her eyes may miss. She ran a paw over the daggers on her thigh, four of which being freely accessible while two were attached to the odd device Joseph had made for her.
When he mentioned that some weapon arts of his people had included a pointed edge or knife on a chain or rope, she questioned the efficiency of such a weapon. She was tempted to write off the curiosity as mere interest in possibly learning yet another tool for possible use, but something urged her to request it.
She ran a claw up the rope he had spent the better part of two suns making for her, the ends terminating into the looped end daggers she had received as a gift for saving him from the badgers and leading him to the cave.
Verse four: Only one shall know your blade
She frowned. It bothered her how proficient she had become with the armaments in such short order. The moon she received the unaltered daggers, it had felt like they were made specifically with her in mind from the moment the process began. They likely had been. The balance was excellent, the weight comfortable, though a proper steel alloy would be preferable, and the holster for them was proportioned well with a suitable angle for swift drawing. It was as if she had used the alien weapon since she could hold a blade. The only issue she had with them was that it felt so close to being a natural extension of herself.
And now these roped daggers.
It was as if her very arms sprouted them and they were blended effortlessly into her nervous system. Every arc, every interception of the line, every pull of the curious mechanism that retracted them at blistering speeds to be redeployed or interrupted for a new trajectory. It all felt... Divine.
She had learned many a weapon. Every sidearm, every rifle, every melee armament that she was handed was worked until she could disassemble and reassemble several of them without ever needing to verify which components belonged to which, no matter how similar the items. From kinetics to plasma to explosives. She had used them all well.
None felt so intimate as these. The ratcheting system to retract the line was to be operated by her tail so that she could pull either of the daggers back on a whim, the draw weight of the mechanism was just enough so that it would be near effortless while still maintaining the function of the device, and the line itself was slightly longer than she would usually use, leaving her just enough slack to extend them just that much further when required. It was a gift that held more than its weight in the most precious gemstones in value, as far as she was concerned.
It irked her in a way she knew not.
Perhaps it was because she felt indebted. He had offered her quills when she had no arms, and food when she had little, so she withheld information about his habits to offer a small distraction for Jax at the time. He offered her spoils to return with and knowledge to present, so she directed Sahari to his den. She had returned the act of saving her from starvation and giving her a shelter by escorting him to safety when he was hunted, but he sought to repay that by offering her the daggers. She tried to offer him what wisdom she held to ease his discomfort, yet he continued to return more.
She would think it an act of courtship were it one of her kin, yet he seemed content to merely provide what he could with no expectations for anything in return. It was an uncomfortable relationship in any other context, yet she could not bring herself to find it disdainful. Even when she decided to join him in his rest with the others, she often found herself initiating contact while he slept, if only for the calm it imparted on her.
Verse five: Only one shall still your claws
She sighed, her blinking becoming slow from the constant activity that weighed her eyelids lower.
He denied her advances, though it was quite obvious he was interested. At first it was simply to bed a male of high standing, a mere passing fancy of using her skills where a task was not assigned as she enjoyed her freedom. Recently, the displays had started to catch even her off guard, them growing less whimsical and more purposeful. Less of her words were mere decoration as she found them more genuine. It was something she tried to ignore lest she become a prisoner of her own thoughts as she attempted to parse meaning of the unknowable.
A glance back to the fire showed that Joseph was warming a rock-worm over the fire in their standard ritual that had developed. He would always ensure she had eaten and drank plenty of water before he would humour resting himself. She eased her way to her feet, crossing a few trees until she was close enough to drop down from a low branch. He noticed her effortlessly and quietly called out to her as some stress melted off of him.
“How are you feeling?”
“I am fine.” She forced herself to sound more awake than she felt. He stared at her with a mild disapproval, the expression fading into one of concern.
“Are you sure you don’t want to get some sleep?”
Standing directly to his side, opting not to sit quite yet lest her body refuse to rise again, she stroked his chest up to his throat with her tail, a playful claw cupping his jaw. “Says the male whom should have been asleep quite some time ago. Are you having troubles?”
He rested a paw upon her arm, the worry not subsiding in favour of his abashment like she had expected. His voice carried humour, yet a slight scorn. “Yeah, my favourite pillow decided to fuck off every night. Hard to pass out so easily when I’m worried about you.”
It took quite a bit of effort to not react to the traitorous heart that surged for his words.
She leaned forward, bringing her muzzle mere fractions from his lips while forcing her words through the throat that dried in an instant. “I could comfort you. All you need to do is ask.”
His blood pulsed underneath her pads, her tail tracing down his thigh. He flushed slightly, attempting to separate past a losing battle with his baser instincts. She smiled as his excitement fuelled her.
“Ah, yes. His heart lay just beyond his loins. An appropriate choice, for you to earn his affections through vapid physical pursuit.” Mi’low commented, having woken up in time to rest herself upon her paws.
Tel glared at her, the moment shattered by her blunt remark. She separated with a scoff, sitting a small distance away from the male and fetching the food and water he prepared for her as the female laughed quietly.
Why did those words bother her? They flowed the same as any commentary the High Huntress offered whenever she witnessed the game they played, but each dug deeper into something within her that left a sour taste in her mouth.
“What did she say?” Her Human asked with concern.
She waved it off yet again. She did not wish to mimic the foul mouth before her that spoke of which it did not understand. “Rest, Joseph. The High Huntress will cover the next watch.”
The male eyed her warily, eventually propping his backpack as a pillow and resting against a tree. She watched out of the corner of her eye until his breathing slowed into one of sleep.
“I may offer my wisdom in the ways of taking such a male, should you desire.”
Tel glanced at the red-furred female that had walked around the fire to stand at her side, the High Huntress watching the Grand Hunter with a trace of heat in her gaze.
“I am not in need of such.” She replied simply. Mi’low shook her head with a soft chuckle.
“Oh, but you are. I could offer a demonstration if you wish.”
Tel glared at the insolent one. “Surely you are not wanting for warmth in your den, Mi’low.”
The female sighed, her dissatisfaction evident. “I fear that i am.” She ran a claw down her stomach in remembrance of something. “I had not laid with another since my selections, you see. It would not do for my authority to wantonly bed all whom may seek it. Our Grand Hunter, however, would be an acceptable partner for a moon on occasion. He is far more fitting of my station.”
Tel became far more aware of the rope that anchored her daggers to her person.
“I would very much enjoy a passing of the pursuit again. What say you? Shall you observe while i take what you covet?”
Her ears flattened as she bared her teeth, a claw hooking the loop of her extension. “Touch him and i end you and your filth. None will lay claim to your corpse here.”
Mi’low giggled despite the threat. “Curious that one such as you would be so invested. Perhaps he be more than a warm bed to you?”
The comment stunned Tel, her willingness to shred the flesh of the female over a comment on something she knew not. Why?
Verse three: Only one shall draw your steel
“Poor kit, do you fear mine charms would steal him? That his eyes would no longer trace your flesh nor his heart follow your health?” Mi’low lowered her voice and leaned in to chew the words as they passed through her muzzle. “Or is it that you desire to lay claim, yet are too ignorant to acknowledge your drive?”
“Enough.” Tel barked, releasing her weapon and returning to her food. “Still your muzzle and claim your watch, lest i still it for you.”
Mi’low backed down with raised paws and a soft chuckle. A lingering gaze upon her male from the Lilhun drew ire from Tel, but she allowed it to quell as the actress retreated.
She finished her prepared meal, placing herself next to the slumbering male while keeping a watchful eye on him. She would not allow the vixen to sully him.
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“I hate working on the electrical.” Harrow proclaimed while barging into Pan’s workspace. The orange intruder immediately shot a curious glance across the room. “What’s he doing?”
Pan looked over her shoulder to see Atrox excitedly talking with Mama as the two inspected a cleaned moss-wolf skull. Turning her gaze to Harrow, she offered a slight shrug and returned to her task. “I’m not sure. He insisted that Joseph would benefit from his work and Mama is the only other artisan able to assist him.”
Harrow pulled a seat at the edge of the table and got herself comfortable. “Weird that he would ask to teach her art.”
Pan giggled, fixing a seam that had escaped her notice before it was too late. “Mama is appreciative of the company and Joseph was happy to oblige.”
The female bobbed her head to the side with a confused expression. “I thought she was pretty good.”
Atrox tilted an ear towards her, speaking up as the conversation shifted in his direction for a moment. “She is quite the sculptor, though she lacked the foundation for the projects i wish to pursue. I felt it my duty to impart upon her such knowledge.”
Harrow was about to reply when the male disregarded them, his piece stated. She raised a brow, but shrugged nonetheless while turning her attention to the thing Pan was working on. “What’s that?”
“Joseph lacks clothing. What remains of his possessions had worn or torn to a degree that it is hardly suitable. I seek to remedy this.” She replied confidently, finalizing the shirt she had crafted and holding it up for a quality inspection. It was an even black colour, the fabric was of good thickness and would be sturdy enough for prolonged wear. It would not be very protective, but that was not its intended function.
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“Nice. Good job, Pan.” Harrow commented, leaning on the table to get a better look. The seamstress giggled, folding the piece and laying it to the side on a small pile of completed garments. She had prepared two shirts, a pair of pants, and three under pieces for him. She was tempted to try her hand at ‘socks’, but the materials she had available and her lack of experience would ensure it to be wasted without practice. She would attempt them at a later time once she had more in stock.
“This will do for now, though i intend to make more later on. Perhaps gloves for him.”
“Could i get a hooded vest?”
Pan tilted her head, confused but curious enough to humour the request. “I suppose i could. What material would you like it made from?”
Harrow tapped the pile of clothing. “This stuff. It’s pretty light and won’t get in the way.”
“It is starting to warm. Are you sure you would like more layers as the temperature increases?”
The orange Lilhun grinned. “That’s why i want it light! I want a lot of pockets. I miss pockets.” She threw her arms high as she complained, flopping onto the table as they returned with gravity. “I need somewhere to store my stuff... And the hood would block out the sun while i work. Maybe stitch in a beak to hold it outward.”
Pan laughed as she watched the theatrics. “Then, yes, i can make you a hooded vest. Though, do mind that it will be after i have accumulated more material.”
Harrow rolled her head to the side to pout at her. “I can wait, i guess. I was kinda looking forward to see how Jax would like it.” The pout shifted to a sly grin.
She flicked an ear, not following the logic asserted. “It is for you, no?”
A raised claw was waved in disappointment. “Males enjoy removing the clothing as much as we enjoy wearing it, Pan.”
Her cheeks flushed as she remembered Joseph slipping the top off of her person, her tail swaying in excitement at the memory. She patted down some of the fur on her thigh that thought it wise to become disorderly in her embarrassment. “I see.”
Harrow laughed, reaching over to pat her on the back. “I guess it’s time to upgrade your wardrobe soon, huh?”
She stared at the floor, conscious of the activity on her head as her ears flickered in excitement. She examined her own wearings, the utilitarian design of her leathers seeming destitute in comparison to what Harrow requested. “I suppose it is.”
The teasing female relaxed after a moment, stretching out on her seat as she spoke. “Have you done your rounds yet?”
The reminder of her duties got her attention. “I have not. I wished to complete the garment before i did such.”
“Do you want me to get Jax as an escort?”
Pan shook her head. “I will be fine. He is occupied with a hunting party at the moment, i believe.”
Harrow shrugged. “I’ll finish up the thing I’m working on and then I’ll join you. Assuming you’re not already done, anyway.”
She smiled and offered a slight nod as she got up to gather her tablet and ink while the female left to work on whatever it was she had the mind to experiment with.
Harrow had been making an effort to spend time with the Paw for some hours every sun, something that she appreciated greatly. The Head of Technology had well adopted a way of acting that reminded her of her absent mate, the humour and mannerisms were comforting to be exposed to despite their origins. The pangs of worry and anxiety were eased by the conversations that were held with the female, talks of utilizing Joseph’s idiosyncratic method of thinking for their pursuits into new developments. Harrow was even using the curious circular spring in her newest project, though it apparently was far more complicated than she had initially suspected.
Pan glanced at the artist who was in the process of explaining the facets of ancient Lilhun architecture and their engravings to an Atmo who towered quite easily over him. Mama listened intensely, nodding or gesturing patterns as they were discussed. Atrox seemed rather thrilled with the arrangement as he spoke.
She smiled, ensuring she had everything she may need before leaving for her duties.
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She entered the workshop building, none paying her any mind as they went about their tasks at the recently installed work benches. Some were examining the map and discussing where they were likely to find game to hunt, others were using crude ironwood blades to shape materials for the construction while the carpenters were busy with the site. It was a crowded space with many fields gathering within one space, but until they had either more members or more buildings, it would suffice.
Pan walked past them all, slightly thankful for her condition that her nervousness would not be detected by them as she approached the back of the area, Heralt stood over his own bench while inspecting the first revision of a pickaxe that Harrow had create with consultation with him.
“Greetings. Is the tool sufficient?” She asked after ensuring she wouldn’t startle him. The brown-furred male searched for whom had spoken, shifting his gaze downward after a moment when he connected the voice to the stature.
“Greetings, Huntress Pan.” He shifted the handle and spun the item. The formal reference to her title from outside her direct pack brought a small smile to her muzzle. “It will suffice until we gather enough iron to create better.”
She lifted her tablet to her chest and prepared to take notes. “Is there any changes you would wish to have made to your equipment until then?”
The smith held the tool at the base of its grip and suspended the end outward for a moment. “Perhaps a greater weight. I am not of one who may have mined in the past, but i am of one who knows tools such as this.”
Pan nodded, adding the comment to the dedicated section to mention to Harrow for the next revision. “Have you had the time to inspect the cave nearby?”
“I have not. Head Nalah has been busy... convincing the workers to use the materials supplied instead of what they wish to.” He chuckled as he tried to find the appropriate words to describe the female threatening the carpenters so that they would not burn this settlement to the ground as well.
The Paw maintained a polite yet neutral expression to the best of her ability despite the amusement she felt due to his words. “I will confer with her to schedule an excursion at the earliest convenience. How goes the mould?”
The male thumbed to the ironwood box on the floor next to the table. “We are in need of sand, preferably, to dissuade flame, but we are able to start casting simple projects to enable more detailed work soon. Anything beyond that will require brick.”
“That will be discussed with Nalah and Jax. Perhaps we may organize a supply trip should we find a suitable location abundant in those resources.”
A firm nod was returned. “That would be appreciated. Now, if you would excuse me, i am to report to Head Nalah to assist with the construction.”
“You may take your leave.” She affirmed brightly, feeling better about her task with it starting so well.
The male offered a slight bow in respect, setting down the items he had spent the sun so far inspecting and working with to leave. The male was of the few in the extended pack to treat her politely, the rest opting to ignore her unless her position was required. She didn’t mind, instead finding herself often thankful for the lack of attention.
She continued requesting progress reports from members and was given terse answers, most of which were to request items or arrangements that were not possible at the moment. A few humoured her long enough for her to compile a list of items or issues to address, but it seemed that the Heads were doing their jobs well enough that she often had more time to work on her original tasks.
A small blessing.
She left the workshop, catching sight of three of the workers who had left with Jax for a hunt returning with another of those ‘deer’ creatures. Her mood brightened instantly. She rather enjoyed working with the material, even if it was going to be slightly too warm for the weather coming up into the warmer months. It was rather large, however, so she could treat it to replace the blanket on Joseph’s bed.
As of now, he was mostly reliant on those who chose to accompany him for their rest for warmth, an arrangement that worked about as well as it could, but there was the odd night where he was left to sleep alone due to scheduling conflicts. He had never complained, but she had entered more than one moon to him far colder than he should have been. Those nights were among the nights where his paws wandered quite a bit, so she felt it was a bit of a mixed experience joining him after a while.
The rare night where someone else joined him before her was usually met with a pleading glance when she entered and herself laughing as they were thoroughly entrapped in his touch.
“I see that our spoils bring you as much joy as it did them.” Jax commented from her side, herself jumping slightly as she had been lost in thought.
Clearing her throat to buy time for her frazzled nerves to recover, she responded clearly. “Yes, i was thinking of purposing the pelt for our bed.”
The male laughed, resting a paw on her shoulder firmly. “Our bed remains barren as well, seamstress. Perhaps i should put in a grievance with the Paw that we are being abandoned?”
“Apologies.” Pan flailed internally for a moment, sheepishly offering the next best thing she could think of. “Would you like to join us for our rest until i can replace what i have forgotten?”
“I believe Joseph would become far more familiar with us than he already has, though that would be amusing in its own way.” Jax scratched at his chin with a mirthful smirk.
Pan giggled into her wrist. “I believe Harrow may cease her jests should she be exposed to that.”
“Or insist on making it a regular occurrence.” He patted her shoulder as he laughed. “Fear not, we maintain warm moons. Though, we would not say no to it, if only for comfort.”
She bowed lightly as she blushed from embarrassment. “Of course. I will prepare that pelt for yourselves as soon as i can.”
Jax waved a paw dismissively. “Our Grand Hunter lacks the fur to keep him warm. As long as we do not leave him cold, i am satisfied with whatever arrangement.” He leaned in and winked. “Of course, his moons must be warm while he is gone with Tel to accompany him.”
Pan flushed slightly, but felt at ease nonetheless. “I have stated my expectations of her and she has accepted.”
The black-furred male raised his brows. “Oh? And what does our dear Paw desire of her?”
“I requested she comfort him where i am unable.” She responded with closed eyes and a warm smile.
“Odd that you would assume her to obey and not simply use the opportunity to lay with him.”
Pan shook her head softly. “She will care for him. Much like i would.”
Jax flicked an ear and rested his weight on his spear. “She merely wishes to bed him, no?”
“Once upon a time, yes. I believe she is of greater motive now.”
“Curious of you to say.”
The Paw giggled again, staring westward with a slight sadness to her eyes. “Joseph felt disgust when he noticed how Mi’low looked at him.”
“She seeks him much the same as our chef.”
“Yes.” She agreed readily.
“What sets ours apart from the High Huntress?”
Pan thought about it for a moment. The slight spark of something beyond the tangible in the bond. The increasing protectiveness of the female. The natural ease that radiates both of them when they are close. She smiled to herself.
“They care.”
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He felt a stirring in his lap, the darkness of night only slightly illuminated by the moon that had begun it’s descent. He looked down to see Tel fight to stay asleep, even though she had only been out for a few hours at best. The trench coat draped over her as she lay sideways on his thighs was keeping her warm. He didn’t need it, the passive body heat on his legs mixed with the ambient fire was enough to fight off any chill. He noticed his ‘lap pillow’ tense, drawing a chuckle from him as he listened to her breathe.
Placing a hand on her, he stroked the fur of her arm gently, checking to make sure she hadn’t rolled onto a stick or something that would prod her awake. The grey Lilhun opened her eyes with a start, only being stopped from jolting up by Joseph gripping her shoulder and keeping her down. Her eyes scanned the area in a frenzy for a moment until he decided to speak.
“Everything’s fine. You dozed off.” He assured her quietly, resuming the light petting motions. Her coat was shorter than most of them, slightly thicker fibres were in denser amounts, so it had a nice texture to it. Where Pan’s fur felt like fine silk, Tel’s felt like more traditional cat fur, though it had a slight springiness to it. He figured that its slightly more coarse nature balanced out the heat insulating properties that would be inherent to longer coats.
“I should resume my watch.” She insisted, trying to place a paw to the ground to push herself up. Joseph pulled her arm in, using the action to bundle her up more under his coat.
“You are taking a nap. You’ve been going for four whole days. Sleep.”
She glared at him, rolling onto her back so that her neck braced against his thigh. “And you are going to stop me should i attempt to get up?”
“Yep.” A firm nod was given as he scanned the area. Sahari had left to patrol for the third watch while he stayed with the rest of the dozing group, him having woken up when Tel fell onto him after having passed out. The black-furred female had been gone a while, though she knew to make any noise as soon as she noticed something. Given that she’s been quiet, it was safe to assume everything was fine.
Tel reached up and rested a Paw on his cheek to pull his gaze towards her. “And if i tell you i could make good use of this position, would you keep me here?”
“Tel. Rest. I know you’re worried about me, but running on fumes is not healthy. No amount of playful flirting is getting you out of this.” He gave her a disapproving scowl as he rested his arm over her chest. Partly to press down should she try to get up again, partly to arrest her paws in case she tried to make good on the threat.
She stared past him for a while, silently thinking about something. “I’m just doing my duty.”
“Your duty is to accompany me so that i don’t freak out going into unknown territory.” He asserted firmly. “It’s a lot harder to do that when you’re fucked off in the woods the whole time.”
She chuckled from her lap-pillow. “Would anything really change in that regard if it were anyone but me?”
“Yeah.” He admitted quietly, cycling a breath as he watched a cloud cover the moon. “I’m a lot less nervous with you around.”
“Oh?” She poked him in the cheek with a retracted claw. “Do tell.”
He grabbed the prodding paw, holding it in his hand to subdue the annoyance. “You’re probably the best single-target fighter we have. I know that if shit goes south, i can count on you to take down the biggest and meanest bastard. Probably without them knowing who did it. It’s a bit of peace of mind, you know?”
“You have Sahari.” She pointed out with a tired expression, though her tone of voice remained lively enough to suggest she was just relaxed.
“She’s trained from the ground up to be versatile.” He answered, catching a glimpse of their topic of conversation as she did her patrol. “She’s best at doing a little bit of everything, but she needs other people for her to work with. You? You, i can trust to just drop whoever or whatever needs to be taken down, and do it safely.”
“So you find our prowess reassuring.”
“That’s part of it. I like knowing that you guys will be safe. I don’t want to think about how big of a wreck I’d be if i lost you.” He spoke quietly while giving her a thin smile. “As much as you drive me up the wall, I’ve gotten rather attached to you and your bullshit.”
She didn’t respond, but he wasn’t really paying attention anymore anyway. He continued to stroke her fur while wondering how Pan was doing, if Violet was okay, and if they missed him as much as he missed them.
“Thinking of your mate?” The voice snapped him from his thoughts.
He chuckled weakly. “Yeah. What gave it away?”
“You’ve been stroking my fur like you do with her.”
“Ah. Sorry.” His hand was indeed rubbing across her stomach, the thumb lightly pressing the fur to his index as he played with the texture. He went to pull his hand away, but a firm paw pulled it back.
“It’s fine.” She stated, turning her head to look away.
He frowned, a guilty feeling sat in his gut.
“You may use me to ease your loneliness.” The words from her mouth were soft, lacking the innuendo he would have expected otherwise.
“I’m not using you for anything. It’s just comforting.” He breathed out heavily and rested his head against the tree as he watched the stars, continuing the motions with his hand to enjoy the softness. “It’s just nice to have someone close, i guess.”
“You have spent long by yourself?”
He paused with the question, knowing that she was referring to a time long before the trip they were on, but answered anyway. “Yeah.”
“Is that why you ‘let’ me play our game?”
He snorted a laugh. “Maybe at first. It had been so long since anyone had shown any interest in me that i might have just enjoyed the attention.”
She looked up at him from the corner of her eye. “And now?”
“I don’t know.” He answered softly. “Maybe because we’ve been doing it for a while now. Maybe because you’ve done so much for me. Maybe i just still like the attention. It could be any number of things, honestly.”
She nodded from her position, pulling an arm up by her head to rest on his thighs. He held her paw without thinking. “Would the answer be the same if another played?”
He shook his head lightly. “I think it’s because it’s you. I don’t really like the idea of anyone else trying it with me. Makes me feel uneasy.”
She laughed dryly. “Perhaps i have played these games too long.”
“I think it’s fine.” He opined with a long exhale. “You are who you are. You’re crass and blunt, but you have a gentle side to you. You’re explosively energetic but also calmly in control. If you find fun in screwing around with me like that, then I’m not going to complain. It’s pretty amusing, in a way.”
“Perhaps i should perform it with another. There are many new males i may seek the bed of.”
Joseph stared into the fire, thinking the suggestion through. He wouldn’t openly admit it, but the thought of her speaking the way she did to another, leaning into someone the way she does, and gazing at them the way she did him... It hurt. It shouldn’t, he had what he wanted from Pan, but it stung just the same.
Pan knew how he felt at all times. It gave him someone who would never mistake his silences for anger, his tired laughs for sarcasm, nor his nervous cleaning of some areas as a subtle slight towards her. She was able to make sense of his emotions in a way that he couldn’t at times. It was the comfort of certainty and acceptance.
Tel was a different matter entirely. She was confident and knew exactly what she wanted, yet had no problems setting them aside when it got in the way of something important. She had saved both his life and his sanity by offering advice that Pan would never be able to. She filled the gaps where his weaknesses lay. Something about the way she always kept tabs on everyone allowed her insight that he would never have access to. Even that would be useless if she didn’t understand what he needed from her.
Maybe it was exactly that. She knew what he needed.
Pan could understand how he felt. Tel could change it.
It made him feel all the more guilty as he ran his fingers across her claws.
A paw reached out and rested against his jaw, her pad rubbing his cheek. “Does my male truly detest the thought so much?”
He noticed how hard his expression had grown during his thoughts. He quickly abandoned them and stared at the stars. “Go to sleep, Tel. You need it.”
“Are you resting as well?” She asked, her voice far gentler than he was used to.
He shook his head lightly. “I’m going to think for a bit.” He looked down at her with a wooden smile as he fixed the coat to cover her. “I’ll be right here.”
She didn’t respond, instead matching his eyes as she maintained the contact. The piercing amber broke through the low light like beacons as they regarded him with their own soft illumination. He tore his gaze away so as not to lose himself in it. His mind was far to chaotic to allow those thoughts to fester.
“Good night, Tel.”
The Lilhun nodded, pulling his hand into her paw and closing her eyes. It didn’t take long for her breathing to deepen as she drifted off.
He traced over her paw with his thumb, his ruminations constantly brought back to his own conflicting emotions. His eyes watched her as she slept on him and couldn’t help but find it a thing of beauty. The same woman who teased him in the cave lay on his lap and not once did he feel like her advances were uncomfortable. He was just not in a state to accept them.
With all the recent developments he was forced to think about it again. Rob’s opinions on the matter, the way Lilhun society functioned around pairings, even how Pan phrased her words when she noticed it. All at odds with his own moral code that meant nothing so far from where he forged it.
A deep sigh escaped him as he once again watched the clouds.
Things were so much more complicated than they should have been.