Chapter 22: Connections
The door to the baths opened. Sahari could vaguely discern the grey silhouette of Tel through the frosted glass as she approached the tub, purposely plodding steps growing closer with a drip of water following behind at odd intervals as the rain water dripped off her fur. With little in the way of warning, Tel jumped into the warm water of the bath and surfaced after a few moments with a gasp.
“Have I ever mentioned that I hate how cold it is out there?” She whined, re-submerging herself to warm herself again. Sahari allowed a chuckle as she waited for Tel to resurface.
“Yes, I believe you have been saying that for a while.” Sahari responded dryly.
Tel spat some water that had slipped into her mouth. “Bleh, soapy.”
Sahari stared at her for a long moment, eventually reclining her head to rest on the ledge of the tub and stare at the ceiling. “Your report?”
“Jax is awake, which is something I wasn’t sure was going to happen. Eight suns is a long time to be under.” She casually remarked as she got herself comfortable a few feet away. “He and Nalah spoke a bit. Talked about a vision of a torch, I wasn’t too interested in that part. I didn’t know that she was the girl you took in, though.”
Sahari sighed, glancing at Tel then returning her gaze towards the light fixture. “I was young, enraged, and still high on my own sense of justice. It was not even a part of the job I was hired to do, nor the reason i was there. I was just as surprised as she was when we met on the surface, though I was hoping she did not remember me.”
Tel turned her head to stare at Sahari. “Why? She feels as if she owes you her life. In a way, she does.”
“Ah, but that is assuming I wish to lord it over her.” She responded with a slow nod. “I had to leave her behind fairly shortly after absconding with her. Hardly a saviour if all I do is take a sick female from one void-hole to another. Admittedly, the newer one was indebted to me, so I suppose that counts for something.” She waved a paw dismissively. “That is neither here nor there. What else.”
Tel pouted in exaggerated fashion before dropping the facade, closing her eyes and allowing herself to float slightly. “Joseph spoke with him. With Pan translating, of course.”
Sahari’s face hardened. “And?”
“Well, they just about declared their undying love for one another. That is to say, they both apologized. I was surprised Joseph did, but that also fits his character, I think. Jax accepting and returning the gesture was unexpected. Harrow was right, he really did want to kill himself to avoid breaking his vow.”
Sahari ran a paw through the fur on her head. “How is everyone taking... it?”
Tel opened an eye to look at her before resuming her relaxation. “Better than you are, if nothing else. Nalah seems to have calmed down after talking with Jax, Harrow is too preoccupied with nursing Jax to really think about it, and Pan has started joining Joseph’s bed at night after he’s asleep. I checked if there was something more, but no. I think she just needs someone close right now and she knows him better than any of us, save for the insects, but it could be the other way around. Hard to tell with those two sometimes.”
“The insects?”
“Mama has been busy getting us all accommodations and tending to Violet. Violet has withdrawn slightly, spending even more time in combat training when she’s not in her room. They don’t use pheromones at all so the best I can figure is that after her breakdown during the fight she’s pretty much thrown herself into it to protect the den. Maybe to distract herself from having watched two of the pack get seriously injured, one of which to protect her specifically.” Tel and her both shudder at the reference to the dry screeching wail that pierced them when Pan was impaled.
“I guess that leaves Joseph.” Sahari’s ear twitched upon mentioning him.
“Better, after his heart-to-heart with Jax. The crushing weight has subsided at least, though he still radiates guilt. Pretty far cry from someone who used a broken arm to ruin an eye. I don’t think Jax has noticed yet, or if he has, doesn’t think it’s a steep price to pay for poking the nest.” Tel’s eyes wandered the privacy wall as she voiced her thoughts, stopping to consider something for a moment. “I think Joseph will need as much time to get over the whole event as you do. Can’t say I blame him.”
Sahari’s ears drooped as her tail wrapped around her waist to comfort herself. Besides Jax, she was the only one who was blindly exposed to the intensity that Joseph was capable of. The blinding rage that triggered Pan at the start of the fight was a mere ember in comparison to the supernova that ignited once the child was endangered. The fear of that all-consuming fury has been making her nights sleepless in remembrance.
Pan’s response was also somewhat worrying. Sahari was told that she had been undergoing combat training, but the sheer level of machined motion and speed was frankly terrifying. Sure, it had been driven by possibly the most potent bond-influenced emotion ever to be conceived, but that was not the part that worried her.
The maelstrom of emotions was replaced by something else as he snapped. Something... cold. Whereas Joseph was the core of a star, Pan was the depth of the void. Two motivations and natures in conflict coalescing into one will. Joseph exploded towards the attacker while Pan protected at the cost of her life with no moment of consideration or planning. She was lucky the spear had been used thoroughly throughout the fight to absorb impacts so as to shatter on contact with her bones.
The calm focus that remained when her arm was pinned to her side sent shivers down Sahari’s spine. Almost critically injured and the only thing Pan did was use herself as an iron shield to protect the child. No yelp of pain, no checking her injury. Just a controlled and silent glare as Joseph ripped Jax apart.
The thought of a bond changing a meek and reserved girl into a War-forged... It terrified the Huntress. The rapid shift from that back to her now normal state was jarring as well. The pain was evident, concern was clear, yet all she cared about was protecting Violet and assessing Joseph’s injuries. If Sahari had thought about leaving the biped behind with Pan, she couldn’t now. Honour or not, Pan had solidified her place in the den.
Sahari voiced a whispered question. “Does anyone have thoughts about leaving?”
Tel kicked off the edge of the tub, utilizing the absurd size to drift around lazily. “Harrow seems pretty interested in how Joseph approaches construction of all types. Weapons, tools, building plans. I think she’s going to want to stay to sate her boredom, if nothing else. Jax is stuck here until he heals, but I get a feeling he’s going to want to study under Joseph if not just swear fealty. Nalah was on the fence like you seem to be, but changed her mind after Jax mentioned something about a moon building.”
Sahari’s ears perked. “The Lunar Fortress?”
Tel looked at her. “Yeah, that’s it. Doesn’t mean much to me. Something about a guardian but I was never one for religion.”
Sahari gave a disappointed expression before waving Tel off to continue her floating. “Aspects are old religious scriptures that referenced manifestations of the Hunt Mother. Light, Dark, Earth, and so on. The Guardian is a combination of light, earth, and fire. It has two aspects assigned to it. The Lunar Fortress and The Liquid Claw. The Fortress is described to be a nigh impenetrable fortress for those who intend to harm the inhabitants, yet a nurturing and loving home for those who seek it. The Claw is the other side; It itself seeks to eliminate with burning fury while sparing the protected. Cold and unfeeling except the intense desire to purge threats. Much like how Pan and Jo... seph... Oh...” Her eyes went wide.
Tel stopped her momentum to stand in the deeper end of the water. “Strong enough bond to capture both?”
“That... that has never been recorded... Either Aspect has only been attributed to one person at a time over the course of the church’s history.” Sahari cradled herself as her mind worked.
“They’re just descriptors to define a person’s nature, no? Neat little categories to rationalize and compartmentalize the wild facets of the soul.”
“Yes, but they have only been assigned to people who are the living embodiment of them. Those of The Hunt dare not speak of them lightly. Jax and Nalah both follow the teachings of the church to one degree or another.” Sahari clarified with a shake of her head. Tel seemed less interested in the conversation, moving to collect the soap that was laid on a disk at the edge and wash herself instead of humouring the topic. Sahari sat a few moments before remembering her initial line of questioning.
“And you, Tel? Are you inclined to follow your Grand Huntress or remain here should I decided to leave?” She asked while adverting her eyes.
Tel stopped lathering her short fur for a moment, answering in a measured and disinterested tone. “You are a Huntress no longer, Sahari. Our vows are completed. You have led us to a safe community, as promised.”
“So, I would be leaving alone.” She concluded softly.
“You are not leaving.” Tel’s instant refusal drew a confused glance. “Joseph was never expected to be the goal, merely a shuttle to our destination. Safety until we could find more.” Her voice receded into its more casual nature. “Look around. We have water and food. Shelter. We have medical facilities, as basic as they are. We are currently guests under a magnanimous host who would sooner forgive one who sought to harm him and care for them. A host that would eliminate genuine threats to our well-being should we join him.”
Tel threw her arms up in frustration. “You watched the fight; Joseph was literally pulling punches until Jax’s actions became an actual threat, accidental or not. All he wants, in Pan’s words, is a family. A den. People who can love and trust each other enough to prosper against the odds. If that isn’t what you were guiding us to, if that was not what you yourself sought... What is? Where would you find it?”
Sahari stared slack jawed, the passionate speech being something she never expected to hear from Tel. She was aloof and playful at times, cold and calculating at others, but never passionate. Driven, perhaps, but by results, not feelings. In the years she has known Tel, though sparse through mutual business partners and contracts, she has never broken that mould.
She finds herself unable to respond, to which Tel continues, walking up to place a paw on her shoulder.
“Sahari. You find yourself an outsider amongst the inhabitants here. Pan has bonded, Harrow and Nalah have become close acquaintances. Even Jax has been accepted in a weird, roundabout way. But you? You have no anchor here. Sure, you have friends and such, but nothing connecting you to the people who command this space.”
Sahari nods with a dejected expression after a moment.
“You’re an idiot.”
Sahari shoots a glare of indignation at Tel, who holds a claw up to stop the building tirade.
“Befriend them. If Joseph is a bit too much until you come to terms with things; talk to Mama or Violet. Both are very accommodating even if they can’t speak our languages. From what I hear, Mama is an excellent craftsman and Violet is a very sweet girl once you get to know her. I’m sure both are anxious about the influx of strangers as well. Talk to them. Tell them what you think, what you’re afraid of. Help them around the den. If you have no place here, carve one out claw by claw. Make yourself a place in this building they call home. If nothing else, Joseph will think greater of you for it. They mean a lot to him, as you could guess.”
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Tel removed her paw, walking away a few steps and dunking herself under the water to wash the suds off. Sahari watched quietly as she considered.
“And what is your place in the den? You mentioned everyone else already, but not yourself.” She asked.
Tel shook some of the water off of her, tilting her head to drain some that had gotten trapped in her ear. “Me? I thought that was obvious; I’m going to bed Joseph. I was considering it before, but I'd be an idiot not to get my claws on that.” She finished with a smirk.
Sahari tried to frown, but a smile still tugged at her lips. “Trying to control the power? Hard to do when he’s still recovering, you’d break the poor male.”
Tel placed her paws on her hips in faux offence. “Control him? Never!” She broke out into a wicked grin. “I was hoping that he’d be willing to control me.”
Sahari gave up trying to maintain a scowl, releasing a chuckle as her tension released. “There is no controlling you, Tel. Many have tried.”
Tel offered a wink as she got out of the water. “Not him though, and I am oh so curious.”
Sahari shook her head, smile fully on display as she joined Tel in drying off. “Careful. I can think of at least one Female who might take issue with that declaration.”
Tel handed her a towel, playful spur in her voice. “I’m sure he’d welcome you into his bed with me, don’t worry, he was quite taken by your figure.”
The crack of a towel whip punctuated the impish giggles.
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Harrow entered the med bay, quietly closing the door behind her while she arranged the tray she carried. It was dim in the room, but night vision was never an issue for Lilhuns, so she set out the supplies she brought and prepared with Mama’s help and started replacing the healroot that nearly caked Jax’s body. Eight strips on his right leg. Fifteen on his left. Four on his right arm, too many on his left. She didn’t bother counting them as she removed the splints and ran a bit of the pink water over the healing wounds. She used a towel to pat it dry before replacing the entire arm worth of glowing bandages and replacing the heavy splints.
She was careful not to disturb the healing bones underneath. The open break had been a very serious infection risk, but luckily Joseph carried some antibiotics with him from the shuttle along with some advanced healing compounds that he couldn’t identify and simply took because they might prove useful. It was the only thing that saved Jax’s life.
She moved to replacing the mounds of the plant on his chest. She hoped the ribs healed properly, she did all she could with Mama’s help, but without a proper operating theatre and a trained medical operator, there was little they could do besides coax the bone to where it should be and pray. The injected coagulants had stymied the worst of the internal bleeding, enough so that the marrow injections would cover his own natural production to replace the lost blood.
With the chest completed, she moved to his head. Her ears drooped as she replaced the bandages over the left half of his face. His ear was missing a chunk that had started to grow over, thankfully. His snout had been mauled by blunt trauma, likely leaving his sense crippled for the rest of his life. The worst damage was his eye. Joseph had broken the dislocated arm in one motion and used the sharp bone to pierce the ocular cavity. It missed the organ itself, but Jax would never see from that eye again.
It left her conflicted. She had a front row seat to the fight, unwilling or not. She knew both acted to ensure her safety in one way or another, even if the extremes were unreasonable. She wanted to blame Jax for trying to carelessly throw his life away. She wanted to curse Joseph for turning into that god of destruction. For that effortless violence he was capable of.
She couldn’t bring herself to.
Jax had protected them until he proved to them that they were somewhere that could do more. Joseph had tried to spare him until he accidentally proved to be a threat. Both were carrying out honourable goals through misguided means. She was no different. She wasted time by opting not to make decisions when they mattered. She indirectly put them in danger by refusing to be a tiebreaker when it was needed. She was scared her decisions would lead to a poor result, yet her inaction caused it anyway.
She stared at Jax’s sleeping face as the guilt washed over her. He had taken the result of her failure to act. Bore the brunt of the wrath that should have been directed at her. He had whispered for her to get away when she tried to stop him. He told her she would be safer after he was done. He was suffering his actions that she forced him to take. He just wanted what was best for her.
She cupped his jaw, tracing her finger over his right brow and whispered. “I’m sorry, Jax.”
She leaned in, giving her misguided knight a kiss, knowing he would never remember. That they would go back to being incidental pack-mates. Maybe if she had tried harder to dissuade him from fighting, she could have told him how she felt. What she had realized but was too nervous and too late to voice. She finished bandaging the rest of his wounds and checking the improvised restraints stopping him from tearing at the healing muscle. With a lingering gaze, she turned to leave, her paw opening the door.
“I accept your apology.” He spoke as the door creaked, his voice hoarse and dry.
She jolted in place, turning her head as her cheeks burned.
He gave a pained laugh. “I think a kiss was worth it. I accept.”
“YOU... You were awake!?” Her yell was stifled into a forced whisper as she reminded herself the time of moon.
“I had a temptress examining every inch of my body, of course I would wake.” He answered mirthfully.
She quickly but quietly shut the door and stomped over to him, jabbing a retracted claw into his unbandaged sternum. “Do you know how worried I was!? Do you know how stupid your plan was!? You were almost killed, Jax! If we were a moment later, you would be with the Hunt Mother or floating in the Void! You almost killed a child, Jax! All so you could play the tragic hero!?”
He deflated under her assault, one ear drooping while the other was held in place by bandages.
“How am I supposed to confess to a corpse, Jax!? Do you know how much shit your damned emotions put me through? Do you know how confusing it was, not knowing why I felt so many ways about things that should have been simple!? Do you know how conflicting it is to feel so fulfilled while I'm watching you march to your death?” She continued with rapid and hushed shouts.
“Wait... Wh-” His faced flashed to confusion, then realization. His protests were stopped as Harrow forcefully gave him a deeper kiss to shut him up.
It only took a brief moment before he returned it, his tail finding hers and intertwining.
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Joseph laid in his bed, half-covered in the soft blankets they had brought back from the pod, as the harsh pelting of rain pounded on his window. With Jax and him burying the hatchet somewhat, he was able to think with a clear head for the first time in a while. Even if it was keeping him up.
A lot of issues needed to be addressed, most of them inter-personal. Though, many plans for the future would be bumped up the priority list as the Lilhuns grew used to living here. If they wanted to live here, that is. He had started to grow fond of Harrow’s inquisitive nature, of Nalah’s brash and crude adoption of his swearing. They were aspects he had forgotten he missed since he left Earth. He’d even go as far as to call them friends, if only slightly. Tel had grown to be a presence he had quietly grown to accept as well. More so once everyone was recovering.
She had fully taken up the mantle as the building’s cook, though had taken it upon herself to gather odd berries and plants in an effort to add spices to her repertoire. He still didn’t trust the berries, not after the burning rubber taste took days to fully fade.
It wasn’t something he expected from the one the others called casually distant and flippant, since she took to the role so diligently. He still felt that predatory and sultry gaze linger on him from time to time, but he never felt confident in his assumption enough to bring it up himself, and using Pan as an intermediary seemed like a weird way to broach the topic.
Which leaves Sahari, the apparently ‘former’ Grand Huntress of their pack. She seemed very much on edge around him, not that he blamed her. If anyone is going to insist that they all leave, it would be her. Given her dubious position of leadership, it’s not unreasonable to assume they would follow her wishes.
His greatest fear at the moment would be if Pan decided to go with them. Despite her... misguided introduction to the family, she has firmly become a staple at the dinner table. Her playful nature that developed and her connection with the Atmo combined with her ability to tell when he was stressed out over something has led to him leaning on her emotionally. More than he should, considering that her friends are literally here and possibly waiting for Jax to heal before they go on their way to meet up with more of their own.
Violet would be crushed if she left as well. The two spend much of their time together making various leathers and have started processing leaves and the like into crude textiles. The two giggling and celebrating after every successful test has become a small beacon of happiness for him over the weeks. They also held a friendly rivalry with their training, constantly developing counter strategies to use against one another with a little advice from him. The two seem inseparable, but he knew how strong the call of home could be.
Maybe Violet would want to go with them? If she did, then Mama would surely go wherever her daughter went. As much as he cherished them, he wouldn’t hold them here if they really wanted to go. He needed to stay here so he could work with Robert and his contact to figure out where in the universe they had ended up, so he couldn’t go with them. He would have to be alone.
He could make that work. He knew how to process ironwood to keep a steady supply of tools. It would take time but he could finish the fence himself. Start the buildings within. Trap a few times a week to keep his food supply sufficient and perform maintenance occasionally. If he kept himself busy, he would barely notice the weeks go by. He could deal with the loneliness too; all he needed to do was experiment with instruments. Maybe try his hand at guitar again, that should help pass the time. He could start practising animal husbandry after the winter; they kept spotting new species around once they knew what to look for. Nalah had found a deer looking thing apparently, so maybe there was a cow or rabbits. He liked rabbits. He could use them for company. He would be alright.
He felt tears run past his ears while he stared at the dark ceiling. It was okay. He had been alone. He was used to it. He would build himself a small town, one building at a time. Maybe they would come back. Then he could give each of them a house, a nice place to live. He would work on his whittling so Mama would be impressed at his progress. He would drill the more obscure moves that he barely practised so that Violet would have more to learn. He could try to find more exotic plants and ways to process them so that Pan had more to make fabric from. He could keep himself busy. He could convince himself that it mattered.
He broke into shallow sobs, barely containing himself. Long conversations and fights with Emma dawned on the edge of his thoughts. The negative tests. The doctor visits. The couple’s therapy. The divorce papers. The quiet apartment. The long hours staring out of the window with a balcony that was slightly too small. The feeling of failure and inadequacy. The months without a phone call or message, no matter how often he reached out to friends as they drifted away without the mutual acquaintance. The void that ate him whole, one second at a time.
Before he had realized, he was curled on his side, crying heartily. Silently gasping while tears wet his blankets. He didn’t want to be alone again. He was afraid of that abyssal chasm that tore away at him at every moment he failed to occupy himself to his utmost. The brief moments of respite becoming terrible abominations that waged war on his psyche. Reliving his insecurities as he struggled to maintain his sanity.
A warm body pressed into his front, an arm pulling him into the soft fur.
“I’m here.” Pan offered through her own tears. “It’s okay, I'm here.”
He couldn’t speak through the sobs, so he settled for wrapping his arms around her waist, ignoring the softness that he pressed his forehead into as he clawed into her back. He didn’t question why she was here. He just allowed himself the moment. He felt her wince at the pressure, but she didn’t complain or move away from it. She rubbed his back, careful not to agitate her other arm.
He choked as he spoke. A desperate plea whispered through the pain. “Please don’t go.”
Pan didn’t speak for a moment, her own voice cracking through the bonded emotions. “I’m not leaving, don’t worry. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
His sobbing subsided slightly as he struggled to compose himself. “What if the others ask you to leave?”
Her answer came instantly. “Then they would leave without me. This is my den now, and you are my bond. I would sooner embrace the Void. I don’t want to leave you, Violet, or Mama. You are my family, and I love you all dearly.”
“You’ve barely been here a month.” He started to protest as he bit back tears.
“And it has been the most blissful month of my life, Joseph. Your family is warmer than the brightest bonfire and as loving as the Hunt Mother herself. I consider all of you a part of me. I would do anything to keep you.” She stated firmly, squeezing him tighter into her bosom despite the pain in her arm.
Joseph didn’t respond. Instead, he burrowed as deep as he could into the soft silk fibres of his comfort, moistened by his crying. She spoke in a much quieter voice, rife with hesitation.
“I was worried you would ask me to leave with them, should they decide to. That you would find me inadequate. I was worried.”
He shook his head as his breathing stabilized, holding her tightly as a response. Pan, normally so much smaller than himself, felt like an expansive lake to his raft. Gentle waves guiding his travels, warm sun on his skin. He appreciated the quiet moments with Mama, those serene feelings with someone you can trust, but he couldn’t take solace in her like he was doing now. He couldn’t feel her heart beating in time with his own. He couldn’t know, without a doubt, that she understood exactly how he felt.
“I’m unable to bear young.”
The flat statement of fact took him off guard. He found himself laughing at the absurdity of the timing, unworried that she would misunderstand it. She was still confused, but likely felt where the laughter was coming from. He waited for the nerves to ease with the noise before speaking quietly, his voice muffled against her chest.
“My wife left me because I couldn’t give her kids. Never could. We only found out when we decided we were ready. We tried to work things out. We tried every treatment... Eventually it became a regular argument. Then I come home after work to an empty apartment. She had moved out while I was working a double, leaving the divorce papers and a note on the table. I spent a long time alone after that... I was worried that the three of you would leave, just like Emma, and I would have to piece myself together again. I don’t think I could.”
Pan didn’t speak for a long time. He didn’t press her to. He knew she was working up the courage to tell her own story and wanted her to share it when she was ready. An increase in wind outside seemed to be enough for her to respond.
“I was attacked for being defective. A late moon. A calm moon. I was closing up after finishing an order and... A group of young males thought I would make for a good vent of their frustrations. They had to remove my womb due to the damage caused.” She shuddered. He held her tighter. “I was unlikely to be chosen, but I spent many moons sewing clothes for the young that I may one day have. After the incident... They started drafting the civilians for the war. I was among the first batch selected. I cried when my shop was razed to the ground during the riots, scorching the clothes and dreams I spent years making by paw. For the young that would never wear them.”
Tears fell from her as she relived the memories, her sorrow bolstered by his own in response. “I wouldn’t dare leave Violet. She may not be my kin, but she is such a sweet and bright child. She takes in everything I teach her and so much more. I find myself pretending I am her den-mother. One of two who raise her. I shouldn’t, for I am not, but it feels right.”
Joseph offers a weak chuckle, loosening his hold. “I’m sure she sees you as something similar. She gets so excited whenever the things you two do come up. She spends as much time with you as she does with Mama.”
He straightened his back, careful to gently remove her arms from him so that he doesn’t injure her, before reversing the hold, cradling her against him. “She loves you. If you want to be her den-mother, I'm sure she would be elated, and Mama is always happy with the help.” He added.
Pan gripped his shirt with a paw, her claws softly pressed into his skin. It felt like she had something she wanted to ask, but before long she just nodded, a damp patch joined his own on his chest. After a while her breaths turned deeper and spaced further apart as she fell into a restful sleep in his arms.
He smiled; the worst of his fears put to rest. He tucked her head under his chin, enjoying the softness and the warmth. A single ear flicking against his lip in time with his exhales. There were many things to worry about in the future, but right now? Those things could wait. He matched his breathing with hers until he also fell asleep, feeling whole.