Ch. 39 - A Jump and A Step

The world folded itself around us, and we arrived back where we started. For a certain value of ‘back’ and ‘started’. I closed my eyes and swallowed heavily, feeling my fur prickle up and down my body as nausea overtook me for a moment. Time traveling this much was taking it out of me. Maybe I just needed some chili myself? A little pick-me-up? I resolved to make that my next stop. I’d just have to be careful which timeline I stole it from.

“Alright, we got it! So, quick, before Her Floofiness gets here! We gotta get dis here pot back to da chef!”

“One empty pot delivery coming up!” I took a deep breath, let it out, then readied myself to click my forepaws and do my best Celebi impression. Before I could though, a set of heavy stomping footfalls interrupted my train of thought. Moments later, a very large, red and black pokemon with huge claws and a very large pair of oddly shaped wings stood in front of the noodle stand. I peered closer at the creature, there was something very wrong with his wings…

“Chilli.” the pokemon said, his voice low and rumbling, shaking the very ground we were walking on.

There was another brief flash of light as Mew burst in next to me. “Hi! I came to help! Ooh, Uncle Groudon’s here! Hi Uncle!”

“Groudon?” I squeaked, looking from the Mew to the pokemon wearing what I now realized was a charizard disguise.

“Hello little Mew! Have you tried this chili yet?” rumbled Groudon, turning around and bending down.

“Ahhh,” I said, hurrying up, spying where the big G’s wings were taped on with sellotape which was rapidly coming undone, “I’ll buy this nice, uh… you’re a charizard, right?” I grinned up hopefully at Groudon, breaking eye contact only long enough to realize I was nakedly an eevee and attempting to talk to Bart. Maybe he wouldn’t notice?

“Indeed. I am a… charizard. A very normal charizard who does charizard things in the… charizard—”

“Charicific!” I squeaked.

“That, Valley! And I have come here for some chili.”

“Yes, as I was saying I will buy Grou… er, Charizard his chili! Mew… man. Mewman. Pay the man! For I am just a simple eevee and I need my… trainer to pay for things. Because he is a normal human!”

There, that would save things, right? I breathed a sigh of relief as Bart nodded slowly, seemingly satisfied. Bart then turned to Mew and waited expectantly.

Mew looked at me, then looked at Bart, then looked at me. Then Mew looked up at Groudon, then back to Bart. And then, maintaining eye contact the whole time, Mew turned into a Ditto and promptly assumed the shape of a human. Then he pulled out his purse and glared at me as he opened it.

“Here you go!” Mew gritted his teeth in a brittle smile that didn’t reach his eyes, and… he pulled out two humans, who in turn were holding steadfastly onto a bundle of coins. He looked at Jessie and James, then looked over at Bart. “That happens sometimes.” Mew glared at Jessie and James. “Let go!” Mew hissed.

“We prepared for trouble!”

“But don’t want it double!”

“So keep us out here in the bright sunlight!”

“As we bow down to your glorious might!”

“To renounce our ways of tricks and traps!”

“And forge a new path of drinks and snacks!”

“Jessie!”

“James!”

“As chefs we’ll prepare such tasty treats!”

“Order now and prepare to eats!”

There was a brief silence, then Jessie and James both peered into the depths of the transdimensional purse.

“It’s really not the same without our wing-cat,” James opined.

“Although it is a lot more peaceful without his moaning about things,” Jessie pondered, tapping her lips with one finger.

“I’m right here you know!” grumbled Meowth, wearing a little apron with the stall’s logo on it. He crossed his paws and glared at the pair, wooden spoon held in his claws. “Chuck ‘em back in.”

“Actually!” I yelped, jumping forwards. “Uh, please don’t, we’re going to need their help to cook up another batch of chili because the first batch got eaten.”

Groudon leaned down to stare at me. “Are you telling me that I have come all this way only to not get my chili?”

“Ah, don’t worry about that Sir!” said Bart happily, “I have our backup chefs cooking up an extra-large batch right now!” Bart pointed off to one side, where a dapper fellow with a tophat, monocle and mustache was busy stirring an even larger pot. He was small and brown and rather hirsute, but I did have to commend him on his choice of tails. His other friend, wearing a hairnet and not much else, was floating around dropping in ingredients which she was chopping up using her psychic powers. Wow, it was so useful that humans could learn those!

Jessie and James looked from me and Mew to the backup chefs, and back.

“They’ll learn eventually,” said Meowth, “after all those disguises are top notch. You taught it to them last year, remember? Back in Hoenn? In Lavaridge? You said they would make exemplary Rockets if they ever decided to give up their fruitless pursuit of the straight an’ narrow, an’ devote themselves to a rewarding life o’crime?”

“That’s them?” asked James. “I’m so proud.” He sniffed, wiping a tear from his eyes. “Even if they’ve spurned the honorable ways of the thief and scoundrel, that they are pursuing the lies and trickery of disguises makes my heart soar for the skies!”

I head-tilted at the backup chefs, until the eevee took his hat off and revealed herself to be a very familiar looking eevee. And his assistant was… Mew!

Groudon grumbled and pulled at one wing that was slipping, then leaned down. “I will add that I have come a very, very long way and I’m hungry. And whoever those people are with that tiny little chili pot, I was here first.”

Another set of rumbling footsteps had everybody turning, until a small but somehow ominous six-legged, two-winged pokemon stomped forwards out of a glowing circle in the air and approached the hungry continent pokemon. “I think you will find that in more ways than one, I was here first. Very few were here before me.”

“Hey Uncle Gira!” said Mew, waving. “Heya cousin! Who’s your trainer?”

Celebi, appearing next out of the glowing circle of light, puffed out her cheeks. “Don’t you ‘hey cousin’ me you menace! You’ve been causing temporal vortices all over! Do you know how much paperwork this is going to cause me? I’m going to be at it for months! Months!”

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“Eh relax, it’s not like you can’t take a holiday and come back to it literally whenever. Nice to see you’ve settled down though. Gonna try your paws at the circuit? Which one? Gira’s on the team too, huh?”

“Giratiny’s not on my team, I’m on his!” squeaked the girl. “I’m not sure I can cope with—”

“Nonsense, young witch. You have been a good and faithful trainer, seeing to the needs of your pokemon. Now, my nephew Groudon here is standing between me and my chili, so we will have a traditional pokemon battle to decide who gets to eat first. And when you win, you will capture him and we shall go on some further excursions! I have foreseen it, young Lux. Your time nears when my question will be answered then asked. This way, Groudon, a good battle will work up an appetite!”

Groudon looked down at the diminutive, two foot tall version of Giratina and, seeing something dark and powerful lurking beneath the mostly harmless (if disturbing and awe-inspiring) exterior saw something that made him nod.

“Good! Have my meal ready for my return!”

“Help me!” mouthed Lily the witch, but turned and smiled brightly to the antimatter lord of the reverse world, and hurried to his side. All six of them vanished through a glowing circle on the floor, and then another Celebi immediately pinned me down to the floor.

“That’s it! You’re coming with me! You’re going to… wait…” Celebi peered at me, then let go and flew up and around. “Again? You diverged again!? I’m still too early?”

“I don’t even know what that is!” I moaned. “Is it anything to do with that me over there?” I pointed at the me that was cooking the massive batch of chili. “The cat said we were in Hoenn last year learning to be Team Rocket members but I haven’t done that yet!”

“Fffff…. ARGH! I GIVE UP! FINE! YOU CAN KEEP YOUR MUDDLED TIMELINES AND YOUR TWISTED FUTURES AND YOUR PARALLEL PASTS! I QUIT! I’M GOING ON HOLIDAY AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME!” Celebi threw her little notebook to the ground and stamped her foot in mid-air. “Just put all of creation back where you found it, when you’re finished tying causality up in knots, and if Grandad comes over to moan and asks after me, THEN YOU TELL HIM WHAT YOU DID!”

There was a bright flash of light, and Celebi disappeared in a puff of smoke and angry swearing.

“I think we’re going to need that,” I said hesitantly after a few moments, pointing to the notebook with a paw at where it was laying on the ground where it had been thrown. Mew dipped his head and floated down to pick it up. “I don’t want to get a lecture from Celebi’s grandad… I also don’t want a lecture from Celebi when she comes back.”

“Yeah, you do,” I said to myself, waving my copy of Celebi’s notebook at myself, careful not to drop it in the chili I was stirring. “You’re going to have to get her something nice, you know. She really likes Golden Nanab’s, which are pretty hard to get, except in one particular valley in Okoya, and if you hit the Celadon stores around the winter sales you can get that pokeblock maker she really wants but just never convinces herself to buy, only to do that you’re going to have to win a few pokemon battles, so you’ll need to assemble your team and then after you do that you’re going to need to find a temporary replacement trainer because you get so famous people keep asking for your autograph and I still can’t read or write. But don’t worry, Zoroark can manage that.”

I was just about to ask myself about Zoroark when eldritch light flared from behind me and a disheveled Groudon wandered back into the clearing. His charizard disguise was on fire. Behind him, more figures approached the event horizon of the tear in space.

“Grub’s up,” said Meowth, ladling a big bowl of chili for the grateful, tired pokemon. With tears in his eyes, Groudon started to eat.

“You know it was about this time when I set off, before an even angrier Celebi came back,” I told myself.

I looked down at the notebook in my paws, and my eyes went wide. “Angrier?”

“Oh, yeah, much. I said as much to you, and you can trust yourself, right?”

“Wh-wh-what did I do?”

“Grabbed a few friends and made a run for it? You jumped back in time, about as far as you could go, waaaay beyond what Celebi was expecting. By the time she found you again, you’d escaped. Which is probably why she’s coming here. Which made her even madder, apparently. I mean, I don’t know how mad she’s gonna get. Mad enough to break something. Like time itself.”

“Ya don’t want that to happen, get’s messy,” Celebi agreed with me.

“O-o-okay, let’s go!” I barked, jumping into motion before I could get yelled at again by the time-travelling pokemon. “Bart, Shadow! You two should come with me! Guy, I might need you too!”

“I’m coming too, Princess!” shouted Lucky, the croconaw whipping off his chef’s clothes and diving over the counter. “Where you go, I go! A knight in shiny armor can hardly let his maiden fair escape into trouble all by herself, can he?”

“Whoever you’re taking,” I said to myself, with a snicker, “you better make it quick, right Giratiny?”

“Indeed, this is when you make your exit,” the diminutive god of the reverse world stated. “You have places to go, events to see.”

“Oh balls… fine! Let’s hit it! As far back as I can make it!” I shouted, gathering up the named members of our teams. “You too, Lucky. One, two, go!”

***

Giratiny watched as the eevee dug deep, deep inside herself and pulled forth one last time the time-traveling move that Celebi had inadvertently taught the fluffy troublemaker, and she and her four friends disappeared in a flash of light and rumble of thunder. The god then walked forwards on his six legs and bent to pick up the forgotten notebook. “I think I’ll be holding onto that, thank you.”

The eevee stirring the chili glowed brightly for a second, then changed, her fur becoming darker, more purple, as a loud snigger left from his muzzle. “That was fun!” the zorua said. “She fell for it and everything!”

“Yeah!” The celebi did a backflip and tumbled to the ground, his colors changing also from minty green to deep purple, black and red as the celebi became an almost identical zorua. “Whew, that was exhausting, great uncle Gir! Did we do good? Just like you wanted?”

“Oh you did very well, my two great-nephews. There is just one task remaining.”

“Yeah?” Twin tails wagged expectantly.

“Well, now you said you got training from Meowth here a year or so ago, you had better have actually got it.” Giratiny loomed, despite his diminutive stature being not much greater than his two zorua nephews. The tail wagging stopped as the pair of zorua kits looked at each other in horror.

“Aww! No fair! No fair! You said this would be fun! You didn’t say nuffin’ about homework!” whined the second zorua.

“When you can pull off a con job without ad libbing yourself into a corner, then you’se can get away without the homework,” snarked Meowth. “First law of tau… rubble making. Yeah.”

“Too true, too true. Well, my trainer and I must be off! We have badges to acquire and noobs to crush, as I believe you mortals say.” Giratiny turned to walk away, as Lily slumped.

“We’re really doing this?” the young witch opined, as she recalled Groudon into the newest ball on her belt.

“Indeed we are, I have earned a holiday. The reverse world can look after itself for a while.” Giratiny stretched, then readied to go.

“W-wait,” asked Barb, jumping up onto the counter, “What about us?”

“Yeah, we do kind of need to get home,” said Tully, squawking and flapping his wings as Monty nodded up and down beneath him, threatening to throw the swellow from his perch.

Giratiny sighed. “Fine, I will arrange for transportation to your correct space-time coordinates.”

“Umm, umm, what about Lux?” Ziggy asked, clacking his foreclaws together.

“What about her?” Giratiny asked, rumbling with amusement.

“Doesn’t she, umm, also need…?”

“Lux is taking the long way around,” Giratiny replied, fluttering his darkness-enshrouded wings with something that looked worryingly close to malevolent glee. “The really, really long way around. The rest of you… we will be hungry, and we will be returning for food. This is a good spot for your chili empire to take root.”

Jessie and James looked at each other for a moment.

“I don’t suppose we can go back into the purse?” James asked, shaking his head as Giratiny did. “N-no, no, I guess we can’t.”

The pair of ex-mostly-rockets watched the witch and her entourage disappear into yet another tear in space-time, then sighed.

“Alright you’se lot, gets back to work. You can clock off when your ride gets here and not before!” shouted Meowth, unsheathing his claws. Then he turned to serve his newest client. A very large, red and black bird-like pokemon.

I DESIRE CHILI, the pokemon said. AND I AM A NORMAL PIDGEY. PAY NO ATTENTION TO MY COLORATION.

“Ah-ha-ha-haa,” Meowth said, trying to keep the rictus grin on his muzzle straight, as the words from the creature in front of him entered through some unknown method and traveled straight into his brainstem without bothering going through his ears. “A-at once, Sir! Or Ma’am! Whichever it is! Chili! At once!”

It was going to be a very, very long day.