EARTH.
“If we weren’t remote, I’d send you back. You’re not trained for this.” Duracotus gestured to countdown timers on the magnesium dome home. “But the other agents left and we can’t figure out the door.”
The harpy worked at a metal door with . “Non, could you kick this down?” Non studied the door, then twisted the number to make 6. A *click* sounded and the door opened upwards.
Non opens the Icosahedral Cathedral [https://i.imgur.com/tKY4WUJ.png]
”On dice, line down.” Non grabbed one of the timers.
The harpy flew past him, screeching. “Wake up and get up, NOW!”
The heart of the house was a spherical room with a ten-meter radius, featuring rings of ledges to access upper floors. A C-shaped sofa partially surrounded a bronze table shaped like a dragon, with a huge TV in the sofa’s void. Framed book covers adorned the inclined walls. Broken Etch-a-Sketches, Wooly Willie toys and tubes of superglue covered the table. “I think the timers connect to thermite.”
║ OBVIOUSLY. BE CAREFUL HERE.
A sound came from a hallway flanked by empty bird cages. Constable Song headed in that way, but Non Sequitur didn’t follow.
Screechy: “Get on your feet, get things you value and get out before this place catches fire!”
Deep baritone: “Whatever you say, bird lady. I’m getting a bandage,” said the unknown voice. “But my hand isn’t cut. And green.”
Ñ̰ COULD I GET A FLOOR PLAN?
║ ADDED A POP-UP WITH A FLOOR PLAN. LOOK AROUND MORE TO ADD TO IT.
Non heard a sound upstairs and headed that way.
Loud voice downstairs. “That’s my body. Did I die? I’m Swee now? Gimme that screwdriver to remove the anchors.”
The harpy answered rotely, remotely. “Yes. Focus on what you value. Wait, you want to take a player piano into your afterlife?”
“I was 104! Now I’m a huge strapping green war troll! Carrying a piano seems right!”
“You should leave behind things people will notice gone. Though I suppose this place will burn when those timers go off.” A cheery tune started.
Following a blood trail, the equitaur arrived at a bedroom. On the floor, Ginni had a knife in her chest, but most of the blood was in a trail leading away. Behind the bed was a painting, Pegasus and Chrysaor are Born, with black and white-winged steeds over a freshly decapitated gorgon. Atop the tarp-covered bed, wearing goggles and flannel, lay the medusa Middy Zola, star of the book Gorgon Zola. He recalled a passage from the book as he gazed at her lovely countenance.
With the effortless grace of seven master sculptors, Middy wielded seven hammers and chisels in harmony, her two arms and a dozen formidable pythons working in unison to create a mesmerizing display that would leave all who witnessed it awestruck with each masterpiece she hewed.
“Hey, Boss, you have company. An equitaur! It’s Non! Howdy Non!” The pythons talked amiably as the medusa stood up. Non met her eyes but didn’t turn to stone.
“I’m Middy? Am I dreaming? I just finished drafting book four.”
“You’re not dreaming, Middy. Your … Earthself, Ginni, is over there, dead. Your memories got copied onto a version of Middy from a backup planet. Not much blood for a stab through the heart.”
“Sicilicis threatened to blow up the house. Went all around it in his wheelchair. He tried to goad me to call the police again. I came up here to get away from him. Then I had a heart attack. I don’t remember getting stabbed. I look good for my age, don’t you think?” She looked at her new self in a mirror. “I’m gorgeous now! Behave, snakes.”
“You got it, Boss,” said the pythons.
“There are thermite bombs all around the house.” Non studied the trail of blood to the stairs and down. “Looks like he cut his hand and crawled away. Anyways, you both have new lives and need to grab things you value and get out before the timers go off.” He held up the timer he’d brought in, showing the countdown, then moved the time down two minutes.
♫ CRIME SCENE ANALYSIS CORRECT. REWARD: YOU CAN FETCH THE MEMORY-TRANSFER TARP.
║ THAT’S A GAMING AI ADDITION TO THE STAFF.
Non sighed and gathered it off the bed. A new life shouldn’t complain about small chores.
“You know what? I’m strong enough to face him now,” said Middy.
“Boss, just avoid him. Our Earth-cosplay hammer and chisel set is right over here. We’ll grab them up for you. Boss is on the move,” said the snakes.
With that, the solid 2-meter pythons lifted Middy off the bed and out of the room, her feet above the floor. Middy went over the ledge’s safety railing.
Swee the War Troll appeared as an anomaly, his dark green form starkly contrasting the pastel decor around him. An elongated, drooping nose and tendrils of hair framed his face, dominated by unfeeling, blank white eyes that held a devious intellect. The formidable three-meter mass of green muscle embodied a dark antihero and harbinger of destruction across two decalogies. As the medusa made a Doc Ock-style entrance, he flashed a beartrap of a smile.
“Hey there, Sweetie! I found the divorce papers.”
The medusa landed nearby. “We’re dead, Sicilicis. Time to part ways.”
“You won’t go anywhere,” said Swee as he grabbed a snake. “You can’t divorce me while my final decalogy gets announced.”
“No touch!” complained the snake.
“We died, dear. What’s with the bombs? And why did you stab my dead body?”
As Swee drew Middy nearer, the snakes brandished hammers and chisels. “Blaze of glory, sweetie. Mysterious fire and a missing van. They would never have found us. Great for sales. We were both near death anyways. But you didn’t answer when I called up to you. I dragged myself up there. You ruined my plan by dying! Lost my temper. Cut my hand.” He looked at his claws. “Cut the human hand.”
Middy laughed; the snakes laughed. Swee tried to backhand her, but a python blocked. Another python thunked a chisel to Swee’s forehead before Middy hammered it in with a fury.
“Do. Not. Touch. Me. Again.”
Swee glanced at his forehead. “I’m not the unicorn type, honey. Love the snakes.”
“You stabbed Boss! Now you’ve made her angry,” said the snakes.
Non Sequitur abandoned the tarp in favor of a tube of superglue.
“Hammer it in more. I can take it. I’m a war troll! May as well kill you until it sticks!”
The troll slammed Middy against the dragon table and wrapped her pythons around the bronze head (Hey! Ow! Stop!) even as she tried to pound another chisel into his chest. Swee bent the bronze claws of the dragon over her legs to reduce her squirming.
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The harpy screeched at the troll and slammed the ratchet against him, but he ignored her.
“WHOOSH,” followed by a creak of metal and brightness outside. “Guys, hurry up. The thermite on a support went off early!” yelled Duracotus.
Ñ̰ I BELIEVE IN MOST OF MY CHARACTER BUILDS I HAVE AD HOMINEM. ATTACKING THE PERSON.
♫ CONGRATULATIONS, YOU’VE EARNED YOUR BASIC ATTACK. IT FITS YOUR THEME, YOU JERK.
🥊 AD HOMINEM: THE EQUITAUR WITH VECTOR BAR AND REPERTOIRE CAN KICK AND SPAR FOR AU REVOIR.
A fallacy card with details, famous examples and a power description appeared in a pop-up.
The troll gleefully folded Middy into the bronze dragon table.
“Stop it!” screamed Middy. “Agent, the fail-safes just failed! I can’t control them!”
Ñ̰ USING THE POWER OF MY BODY, I PERFORM AN AD HOMINEM ATTACK AGAINST THE TROLL FROM BEHIND.
Non reared up, ready to slam the glued thermite charge to Swee’s back.
♫ PREDICTED BONUS: +2 BODY, +1 FALLACY, +2 DISTRACTED. -1 FOR REDUNDANCY: ATTACK ATTACK. TOTAL +4.
While trying to dismiss the pop-up, he slammed into Swee with full equine strength, propelling the troll into a bookcase on the opposite wall.
║ YOUR PLAN IS IN MOTION. WHAT PART OF “LEAVE NO TRACE” DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?
Swee climbed up the bookcase with his hands, shaking his head. “Are you trying to amuse me?”
Non jumped behind the troll. Metal screamed as an outside support snapped.
Ñ̰ ARGUMENT FROM REPETITION. ATTACK SWEE AGAIN USING ICOSIAN TO MOVE THE GOALPOSTS.
♫ TOO MANY COOKS SPOIL THE BROTH. THAT’S NOT A COHERENT ACTION. NO FOCUS YIELDS NO BONUS.
Non blinked, but then used his staff to crush the troll’s head into the bookcase with a half-ton of equine force. He called back to Song. “Get her out of here!”
Song flapped her wings to assist in dragging the table toward the exit.
A backslash backlash sliced three diagonal gouges on Non Sequitur’s leg. Swee’s corded neck twisted unnaturally. “Honey, we’re being taured and feathered,” quipped Swee, holding up his bloodied claw.
║ MINOR WOUND. CENTAUR AND TROLL BLOOD ON THE SCENE.
“Let me give you a copy of my books.” Swee heaved up the bookcase and slammed it into the taur, smashing him into the kitchen. As the taur landed, the giant icosahedral home toppled on an edge with a THUMP. Everything not bolted down got pulled down by gravity.
║ MODERATE WOUND. REGENERATION ACTIVATED. IF I KNEW ICOSIANS, I COULD PREDICT YOUR POP-UP MAP.
Ñ̰ TRY (Q MAP) Q̅ WITH THE OVERBAR AS A CONJUGATE, BUT REMEMBER THE NON-ASSOCIATIVITY.
║ NOT HELPING. WATCH FOR THE FRIDGE.
Non prevented the fridge from collapsing on him while the floor rolled away. Through an archway, he saw Song use the screwdriver to pry the metal table off Middy. The snakes used hammers and chisels.
Duracotus called out. “You’re unstable in there! Stop rolling! You’re ruining scene integrity!”
From the dining room, Swee threw a thick wood table at Non hard enough to send him into what used to be the ceiling, causing more rolling. THUMP, THUMP, THUMP.
║ MODERATE WOUND. SOON TO BE A SIGNIFICANT COMPLICATION.
The dome home rolled toward the superportal, which grew larger in size.
PLANET ICARUS, PELION.
Middy and Song dangled from the entrance, momentarily on the ceiling, with some snakes holding fixtures as others hammered away the final metal claw. The dragon table dropped into a growing pile of books and furniture.
║ EAGLE BEAK AND SNAKE WOMAN HAVE ESCAPED. WE’VE LEFT EARTH.
“Do you think you can beat me in my house?” asked a delighted war troll, who promptly whacked his head into a door frame. Non threw a meat cleaver at the troll, but Swee ignored the solid hit to his chest, advancing towards the taur. “Nothing you can throw at me can help you.”
“42,” said Non Sequitur, backing out from the upside-down kitchen.
“Life, the Universe and everything?” Swee opened a spinning knife sharpener to try on his claws.
“Current angle of the ceiling in this icosahedral home. Math is my domain.”
Non jumped to a bookcase in the main room, causing the d20 to topple again, sending the refrigerator at Swee. The troll caught the fridge. “Time for a new house rule.” Swee threw the fridge up high.
“You missed.” Non watched the fridge reach an apex.
“Roll for damage.” Swee jumped to topple the d20 in a new direction and brought Non right into the trajectory of the fridge. Non landed in debris as the refrigerator crushed him.
║ THREE MODERATE INJURIES.
Swee landed on the fridge. “Math and a centaur nut. Unique mix. I told you to never return.” The troll lifted a heavy-duty cyclonic. “Die, son.” Swee swung the vacuum in the direction of Non’s head.
Ñ̰ INERTIA AND SUMMON ICOSIAN.
The vacuum’s polycarbonate casing shattered upon contact with the immovable staff. Non heaved the fridge and troll off him, sending Swee into a gun safe.
The troll discarded the shattered vacuum and contemplated the assortment of firearms before him. “You’re right, horsey. A Colt Python is more appropriate.”
Non dove into a hot tub room as Swee leveled the chrome revolver at him, but large hands turned gun handling into a learning exercise. The wall beside Non exploded with the first shot, causing the taur to rue his keen ears. No other exits. Non righted the bone-dry hot tub and ducked behind it.
“Swee, Sicilicis, there is no win for you here. Let me clear your back, and we can fight outside.”
A second shot put shards of fiberglass in Non’s face. He charged forward with the hot tub as a shield, hoping to push the troll over, but Swee stopped the tub and pressed the gun to Non’s head.
[https://i.imgur.com/HPY6Z9R.png]
“After you put my home on the map, I got a toxic fan as a visitor. By the time that ordeal was over, I’d been shot twice and never walked again. Years of suffering, just because you wanted to give my house a funny name. I put your colt in my book! This is how you repay my generosity?”
Despite the loaded question, Swee presented a compelling argument.
Before Non could apologize, the thermite went off, filling Swee’s chest cavity with molten iron and ruby dust. As the troll’s chest emitted a gruesome red-green glow, greasy smoke billowed from his nose and mouth. Non saw Swee pull the trigger, so he summoned his staff to block the barrel. The troll’s left eye vanished with the ricochet.
Without the staff pinning the floor, the home rolled. Swee fell back over the railing towards the entrance door. Smoke poured from his eyesocket as he aimed with his other eye. Bang! Swee’s next shot hit Non’s right shoulder. Non wondered why there was so much air in the down direction as Swee kept falling. Then the giant d20 slid over the cliff.
‘I need to….’ He couldn’t get the staff to move. His shoulder hurt more and more.
A wall with a glass-framed movie poster for The Thing slammed into his back, crushing his upper chest into the immobile staff. Hundreds of items followed the troll out the entrance door, pages of the books spreading like colorful papery birds. The battered human body of Sicilicis Anatto slid into the abyss.
Ñ̰ CAN I GET A REDO?
║ RELEASE THE INERTIA BEFORE MOVING ME? THIS ISN’T A SIMULATION. YOU CAN’T UNDO REALITY.
Non could release the staff, but then the home would fall off the cliff with him in it. He could remain here, but he would be trapped inside the burning house and eventually crushed.
Ñ̰ YOU SAID YOU NEEDED TO TALK.
║ YOU’RE HANGING OFF A SLIPPERY SLOPE IN A BUILDING RIGGED TO EXPLODE. WHY BOTHER WITH CHATTING?
Ñ̰ HUMOR ME. AND THE HARPY IS OUTSIDE.
║ SURE, THE HARPY CAN FLY YOU OUT. GREAT EAGLES SOLUTION. YLEM. HUMORING YOU, I’M A SECTOR, ONCE PART OF RUMBLER, THE STADIUM ROBOT ANNOUNCER. HOURS AGO, YOUR FORMER BOSS KILLED ME, AND I TRANSFERRED TO THIS STAFF. NICE KNOWING YOU.
Non winced in pain as one of his ribs cracked and the massive d20 shifted. “Thanks. So, I’ll die in a die? If I could get this deathtrap to move that way.”
He glanced at his thumb while grappling with the unmovable staff.
“Right hand rule! I require a movement vector. The staff possesses vector capabilities!”
Ñ̰ MAKE A VECTOR, ONE METER PER SECOND, TOWARDS THE WALL BEHIND ME. FOLLOW MY THUMB.
Non groaned as the staff crushed his upper chest more. The giant d20 dragged against the cliff’s edge, the whole structure vibrating. Dirt appeared under the entrance.
Ñ̰ RELEASE INERTIA, STOP VECTOR.
The equitaur plummeted toward the dirt road at the entrance, landing hard on his injured right side. Books fell on him, but the d20 didn’t roll on its own. He lifted the staff high with his left arm.
Ñ̰ MAKE A VECTOR 3 METERS PER SECOND TOWARD THE PORTAL.
As the die rolled away from him, Non struggled to his hooves, recalling math that could help.
Icosian moved the giant d20 with a series of edge topples. Officer Song flew in with the human body of the dead author. As the magnesium home rolled back to Earth, the harpy flew out, holding two tarps.
“What are you doing now?” yelled Duracotus, while waiting on a cell phone.
“I’m applying the rolling die algorithm with a constraint for the floor down and the entrance at the ramp. The rolling icosahedron maps to Foster graph F120B,” explained Non.
[https://i.imgur.com/NC9b9w8.png]
Duracotus yelled into his cell phone. “Agent Swift! Duracotus with a red level clean-up.” He watched Non steer the giant icosahedron with vectors. “Lawn and concrete decking damage. House temporarily on Icarus. Creature blood on the scene, but the magnesium shell will burn it soon.”
With a final thud, the Icosahedral Cathedral settled back into its original position among the still-burning supports.
Whooshing explosions triggered against the magnesium home, setting it afire. Non summoned Icosian to hand, with an odd urge to twirl it around his body. Duracotus motioned him back through the portal.
“Make that yellow level clean-up,” said Duracotus. “Yes, I’m downgrading. Sorry, Agent Swift. Yes, I’ll hold. Thanks for the help, Non Sequitur. Say goodbye to Earth.”
Surrounded by the intense white glow of the burning magnesium icosahedron, the superportal closed and disappeared.