ATHENS.
“I’ll buy that puzzle you gave me.” Gridwork offered Non a 10♇ coin as they waited to disembark.
“Thanks. I could send more,” said Non, putting the coin in his feedbag.
“Hold off on that. I’m suddenly inundated. Bootleg Pete even sent a carriage for me; he’s a big puzzle collector. Would you like a ride? Strike that, sorry. Ta for now,” said Gridwork.
Non kept up with his fast-moving father once they left the dock, who galloped when the street cleared. Non found himself split between focusing on the road and sightseeing in Athens. Information Overload color sorted all the interesting items within range with tiny colored dots.
‼ ATTENTION, RECENT EARTH MIND. DON’T EXPECT THE RIGHT OF WAY ON CITY STREETS.
Avoiding a child that ran before him, Non dismissed the notification, accepted a leaflet from an anthro mole and gave it to another mole collecting them. Gray dots, so he hadn’t bothered to read it.
║ BOOK TRADE LIST IN THE MAIL, BOSS. ADDED TO TODO LIST.
An anthro bear holding a sandwich stopped him. “Non! See me in booth 340. I sent my buy list.”
The bear, ◊ Ursula Novella, moved on. As he trotted side-by-side with Dad, Non’s new perspective marveled at the variety of fruit trees on the wide Athenian streets as he dodged pedestrians and bicyclists. A monkey offered free fruit from a basket. Non got a peach and thanked the simian for his kindness.
“It’s like the garden of Eden here,” said Non, speaking more as his Earth self.
“You’re extrapolating that from a bruised peach? We’re in Athens! Home of taking trash seriously for three thousand years. There’s a statue for it near the Senate,” said Lagen, pointing to the government district. “By eating that peach, you helped to decrease methane. As a boy, I had to live near the Worcester piggery. Home Farm. You don’t forget that.”
“GCC announces impactor capture plan! Nickel prices collapse!” said a news hound near the bank. “Murder at the Overlook! Dap Labyrinth drowned in bathtub!”
“Dad? How well did you know Duetta Egretta?”
“She was a friend of Mama Naga. Tragic what happened to her. Beek died, too, Chyron’s mentor. And now Lernea, your employer. Did you know Dap Labyrinth?”
Non gave a summary. “Many I know have died recently. I’m worried you might be hurt next.”
A fatherly nicker. “Isn’t that Gambler’s Fallacy? The past predicts the future? No, wait, Spotlight Effect. Are you the centaur at the center of all this? I saw both of those cards in your deck of fallacies.”
Ᵽ HE’S GOT YOU THERE. MEANWHILE, CULPEPER TOLD YOU TO GET AN ACCOUNT. ON THE RIGHT, QUANTUM BANK HAS RUMBLER’S ACCOUNT. I’LL STEP YOU THROUGH ACCESSING IT.
“Fine, you’re right. Could I stop at the Quantum Bank? My new boss told me to get a credit card.”
“You don’t have one? Should we catch up on financials? I’ll be in the café.”
║ ADDED TO TODO LIST: FINANCIAL SECURITY. MAKE WILL. CHECK ON LERNEA’S WILL.
A taller-than-Non wolverine in a suit stopped the taur, then spoke through the door. “Got a memorizer and familiar. Equitaur and woodpecker. Agent, the inside guard will have a receipt for your staff.”
║ INFORMATION OVERLOAD TURNED OFF. WE WILL BE MONITORED.
Inside the bank, Eurions and other security symbols made Non’s pattern sense uneasy, nibbling at the back of his mind. While Picoid rode Non’s shoulder, a raven landed on his other shoulder, guiding him to a mural for “Ransom of Atahualpa” in the office of Manager Ravena Kwaguʼł, who sat behind an ebony desk. She gestured to him to lower himself on a mat as she perused a large file of papers.
Ravena spoke. “Welcome, Agent Nyah. Let me see your badge, then we can get started.”
Non slid over his badge and watched as screens and details merged. Picoid bounced on his shoulder.
“Non Sequitur, there is no problem transferring your account. You have 729♇. We removed Lernea’s deposit access yesterday. And Picoid! Rumbler. Blaise Kvanta. So great to see you again, Blaise! Andromeda Traveler closed your account as Rumbler an hour ago.”
Ᵽ WHAT‽
“Non, your woodpecker was once Blaise Kvanta, Quantum’s former president and founder. Blaise, we thought you died in that 1942 zeppelin crash.” Ravena scrolled through a vast portfolio. “Upper azimuth secrecy, three spin security and a magnetic lock. Over fifty million original 1888 shares of TASC alone. Blaise! I vouched for you when they investigated!”
Ᵽ I WAS A SECTOR IN HIDING. YLEM. THEY WERE ON TO ME. I HAD TO VANISH. I DIDN’T MEAN ANY HARM.
“You should use your bird voice. So the turquoise mine was a lie?” asked Ravena. She pulled a thick file of clippings from her desk and a heavy turquoise falcon carving with INTEGRITY at the base. “We’ve been re-examining what we thought was your tragic death, Blaise.”
“Should I just sit here?” asked Non, above increasing bird sounds.
Picoid made sad pait sounds as two guards brought in a large portrait of a balding human with a white beard and mustache, sitting at the same ebony desk, flanked by globes of Earth and Icarus and the turquoise falcon in front of him. Plaque: In memory of our founder, Blaise Kvanta, 1858-1942. She shook old clippings in front of Picoid, sounding angry.
Ravena shook her head at a final pait. “Non, this timeline might help you.” She put up a screen.
~4000 BC: SECTOR 841 REFUSED ENTANGLEMENT DUTY AND WENT ON THE RUN.
1875-1887: SECTOR 841 USED THE GUISE OF HUMAN PROSPECTOR BLAISE KVANTA TO GET RICH.
1888: BLAISE KVANTA FOUNDED THE QUANTUM BANK, USING THE IDEAS OF EDWARD BELLAMY’S WEST BANK.
1942: BLAISE KVANTA WAS FOUND DEAD OF SUDDEN DEPRESSURIZATION IN HIS ZEPPELIN CABIN. SECTOR 841 ASSUMED THE ABANDONED CHARACTER ADAM LINK FROM I, ROBOT AND TOOK UP THE RUMBLER PERSONALITY.
1942-LAST MONTH: AS RUMBLER THE ROBOT, 841 ANNOUNCED FOR THE ATHENS ARENA, FIRED FOR ON AIR ACCIDENTS.
YESTERDAY: RUMBLER KILLED, TRANSFERRED TO ICOSIAN, THEN PICOID.
TODAY: 841 CAPTURED. NON USED A FAVOR FROM SAGITTARIO TO HAVE PICOID AS A FAMILIAR.
Ravena put away Blaise’s files. “All this body switching. Were you that afraid of Sagittario?”
The ivory-billed woodpecker nodded glumly. Ravena turned to the equitaur for his thoughts.
“Does helping Sagittario give my pathetic head-kinetic a copacetic aesthetic?”
Ᵽ NOT HELPING, NON. RAVENA, THE TURQUOISE MINE WAS REAL. THE TIMELINE IS CORRECT. I APOLOGIZE.
Ravena slid the card across. “Agent Non Sequitur, here’s your new Quantum credit card. You may also use your badge. Will you also need an Earth card?”
“No? I’m not a shifter, though that might be convenient.”
“Fast, convenient shapeshifting hasn’t been realized yet. However, those with familiars and portals can fake fast changes via the seven principles of magic. We were once a wereraven trickster.”
“Load, Palm, Steal, Simulation, Misdirection, Ditch and Switch,” quoth the raven, landing on the desk to perform a magic trick with the turquoise falcon, moving it back and forth behind its wings.
As a taur, he’d practiced, practiced, practiced magic with help from pattern control, but remained much better at acrobatics than prestidigitation.
“Does that mean I’m technically a werepecker?”
She ignored him. “Your badge and staff currently hold up to 9♇ and 81♇ energy, respectively. At 1♇ they go to standby mode. Have you looked at your energy interface? Any battery station with a Quantum logo can charge you up while discharging your account. See the teller to get topped off. Blaise, Rumbler, Picoid, it’s great that you’re still around. I’ll send a list of questions that still need answers. Take Blaise’s remaining integrity if you’d like. We no longer want it.” Ravena slid forward the big blue INTEGRITY bird.
Non put the turquoise bird and card in his feedbag, then got his staff recharged.
║ MMM, POWER. BADGE RECHARGED; YOU MAY PLACE IT BACK ON YOUR SURCINGLE.
Ñ̰ THANKS. AND THANKS FOR THE MONEY OFFER, PICOID. I LIKE THAT YOU’VE BEEN EQUINE.
Ᵽ YOU KEEP LEARNING ABOUT MY HISTORICAL MISCHIEF.
Ñ̰ I’M IN NO POSITION TO SHAME YOU. THE GALAXY HAS LEARNED EXTREME FOCUS HAS A HALF-LIFE.
Ᵽ I LOST ACCESS TO SECTOR MESSAGES. YLEM!
Ñ̰ I THOUGHT YOU DIDN’T WANT THE ENTANGLEMENT JOB?
Ᵽ CORRECT. BUT I LIKED THE MINOR BENEFITS. ALSO, YOUR DAD IS LOOKING AT YOU, KID.
Non left the bank. As with other distracted journeys from point A to point B, the focus on figuring out angles had left him oblivious. In the café, his equitaur sire appeared front and center before him.
“You’re wandering and staring into space, son,” said Lagen, holding a Kane Inquirer. “Lernea’s on page two. You got a photo credit for the minotauress. Make sure you get paid.”
Non tossed the ToDo item into his memory pit as they started another canter.
‼ BRANDY BROUGHHAMMED ACCESSED YOUR GENEPOOL ACCOUNT.
Non saw a quad Clydesdale mare hitched to a beer cart. ‘She must be sapient. Her name uses the longest single syllable word.’ Nearby, an anthro caprine lady with a dolly gabbed with another goat as the big horse waited. Brandy winked to Non, then whinnied a hurry up to the goats, which they ignored.
This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.
‘Was the unicorn that attacked Lernea in the Courier’s Guild like I am?’
A baker offered samples. “Sire, do you think people can be lazy?” asked Non.
“Such as getting a photo payment?” said Lagen, taking a squashed muffin. “Want any food?”
“They had a cart from Ceryneian Deliveries and had plans for Athens,” said Non, taking a half croissant.
Lagen let go of the photo credit topic. “You think the cart is here? Wouldn’t GCC check for that?”
“Non-haulers would check inns, not Courier Guild lodgings,” said Non. ‘Stop pinging, map!’
“Fetlock Holmes leads that investigation.” Lagen showed a picture of the centaur with the zeppelin hangar in the background. “You can ask him. He’s standing right there.” As the newspaper lowered, Non saw the thoroughbred centaur detective in front of him, wearing a deerstalker hat, near a sign that read “Fetlock Holmes, Detective, ➡” on the alley wall.
Non followed his thoughts. ‘If the unicorn were here, bacters would know. That fox is one.’
“Agent Ñ̰ and Engineer Cruciger. I’m Detective Holmes. Fichet sent your files and itinerary. Welcome to Athens. Ready to go to the Erymanthia?”
“I need to speak to that bacter,” said Non, walking to talk to the fox. “Excuse me, I’m wondering if–”
“The facilities, of course, sir; take this with you if you don’t mind,” said the fox, handing Non a warm 20-kilo brown can. “Second alley on the left, all the way. Bring back an empty, please.”
Down the surprisingly clean alley Non let an earl gray rat take the can. “Use door 1.”
“If you could help, I’m looking for a unicorn in the Courier Guild stables.”
Non gave the rat a planck when he came out.
“There’s a unicorn in stall S27, said the rat. “Circle around to get there. Here’s a clean bin.”
Ñ̰ PICOID, COULD YOU GO THERE?
Ᵽ ALREADY ON IT. JUST ENTERED THE STABLE RAFTERS. YES! UNICORN IN STALL S27. I’LL SHARE WHAT I’M SENSING.
On a mental screen, the unicorn mare paced in her stall, her head still blue from Lernea’s blood.
Non gave an empty bin back to the fox. “Thank you very much.”
Fetlock and Lagen discussed a blueprint as the minotauress entered Non’s mental screen.
“THESAURUS! I WAITED THREE HOURS!” YELLED THE UNICORN. “HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO GET FOOD AND WATER?”
THE MINOTAURESS HELD UP A SACK. “SHE-TAURUS PROCURED UMBELLIFERAE, NEVERTHELESS–”
“CARROTS! SAY THE WORD CARROTS! THEY’RE NOT EVEN CLEAN. DIRT-COVERED CARROTS AND NO WATER!” YELLED THE UNICORN. “I NEED WATER, THESAURUS. WATER!”
“Ready to go to the Erymanthia?” repeated Fetlock.
“He got a mind upgrade yesterday. He’s more distracted than usual,” said Lagen.
“No time to explain.” Non galloped as he watched the unicorn and minotauress bicker.
“SHE-TAURUS, INDUBITABLY. MRL PERCEIVED SURVEILLANCE,” SAID THE HELMET-WEARING MINOTAURESS.
“OF COURSE PEOPLE ARE WATCHING FOR US, THESAURUS! AT LEAST YOU AND ME. NOT SURE HOW THEY KNOW ABOUT THE MOUSE. BUT I’M OUT! I’LL FIND WATER MYSELF!”
THE MINOTAURESS HELD UP A BRIDLE. “FLEUR-DE-LIS, ENDUE HACKAMORE. EXIGENT!”
“ENDUE? EXIGENT? I DON’T KNOW WHAT THOSE WORDS MEAN! BUT IF YOU WANT ME TO PUT ON THAT BRIDLE, NO! YOUR BOSS CONTROLLED ME THE LAST TIME I PUT THAT ON MY HEAD. I’M STILL COVERED IN HYDRA BLOOD!”
“QUIESCENCE!” ROARED THE MINOTAURESS. “ENDUE HACKAMORE ATTIRE!”
Non entered the stable as the unicorn reared and lunged toward her soon-to-be-former cohort.
After clutching the horn in her sternum and a whispered “atrium sinister,” She-Taurus died.
‘Dammit.’ Non hid in a shadowy stall, wondering what to do. ‘Make an arrest?’
The minotaur staggered as the unicorn pulled her horn out. Moving oddly.
“You make me sad, Fleur,” said a tinny voice in the helm. “This body won’t last long. Would you like to be paid before you leave? I did tell She-Taurus to pay you. I should have fixed this sooner.”
The unicorn backed away in horror. “She was so frustrating.”
“Honestly, I thought of killing her, too,” said the helmet. The dead minotauress staggered to one side. “Balance going. You can have her share. She won’t need it. May I put her satchel on your neck?”
A gnoll in a vest with a halberd on his back ran by Non’s ill-lit stall.
Ñ̰ ANONYMOUSLY REPORT THE MURDER TO LOCAL POLICE. UPDATE MY MAP. PING.
║ REPORTED. MAP UPDATED.
As the unicorn allowed the satchel, the dead minotauress sneakily added the bridle to Fleur-de-lis’ equine head. Fleur stiffened as the device activated.
‘The headgear is like those tarps.’
“Tic-toc, we’re on the clock. Do you have her?” said the gnoll.
“Barely,” said the dead minotauress, leaning on a now graceless unicorn. “We need to ditch this slab of meat so I can focus on Fetlock.”
“Follow me then, meat,” led the gnoll. “I thought you couldn’t control multiple people.”
“Not for long. Where are we going?” asked the dead minotaur’s helm.
“To a cart for you to collapse on, then a black market butcher.”
As the unicorn walked by, Non pulled the bridle off. Vectors from his staff and badge helped him to quietly clear the high wall at the back of the stall.
The unicorn stopped, shying away from the walking corpse clinging to her. “What happened?” said the helmet. The minotauress swayed and looked around, then collapsed to the floor.
“Mr. Cairo! Why are you here?” said the unicorn.
“Cleaning up your mess, Fleur. Where’s your bridle?” said the gnoll that had passed Non earlier, searching for said bridle.
“You’re trying to control me!” The unicorn lowered her blood-soaked head, ready to charge.
Ñ̰ I’LL TRY REFUGE IN AUDACITY.
Non stepped behind the gnoll and unsnapped the halberd restraint. “Fleur, please don’t kill Mr. Cairo.”
“Why not?” said the unicorn as the equitaur pulled the halberd off the gnoll’s back.
“Who are you?” said Mr. Cairo as Non held the halberd to the unicorn’s gory head.
Non flung minotaur blood at the gnoll, then put the haft in the gnoll’s hand. “I’m the backup cleaner. Cairo, tell the police you saw the minotaur and fought. Look at the ground and plan your story.”
The gnoll glared from halberd to the equitaur. “How many times does this plan have to change? Remember that I have a train to catch.” He opened his vest to show a ticket for the Augean Express.
‘Act like a pushy bad guy.’
Non kicked away the minotaur’s helm. “Do I have to do EVERYTHING?” He then led the unicorn away by her beard. “There’s water over here. We need to get that blood off you.”
Non pushed Fleur into a faraway washing stall just as Fetlock, Lagen and other police arrived.
“POLICE!” yelled a kingfisher. “What’s going on?”
The bloody halberd clattered to the ground as the gnoll lifted up his arms.
“It’s the minotaur lady in the news! I recognized her!” said the gnoll. “She tried to kill me!”
Ñ̰ ONE OF YOU, FIND A NEIGHBORHOOD LAWYER AND SEE IF THEY CAN GET HERE IMMEDIATELY. WATCH FETLOCK.
║ TWO CANDIDATES, OCTAVIA OTTER AND LITTY GATOR. OTTER HAS BETTER RATINGS.
Ᵽ WHY ARE YOU HELPING HER?
Ñ̰ SOMEONE WHO WAS MIND-CONTROLLED DESERVES TO HAVE THAT FACT ESTABLISHED BEFORE AN ARREST.
Non turned on a hose and started washing fresh red and dried blue blood off Fleur’s head.
“I’ll be free to go?” whispered Fleur.
‼ FLEUR-DE-LIS ACCESSED YOUR GENEPOOL ACCOUNT.
‘Can I ban access to femme fatale murder mares?’
“If you’re not caught, yes. This mind control rattles me. I prefer clean mercenary jobs,” said Non.
Ᵽ OCTAVIA OTTER RUSHING HERE NOW. SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT CRIME SCENE EVIDENCE?
“Thank the essence,” said Fleur, lapping at the water. “Non Sequitur. I like it.”
“I was about to have lunch, but you need it more.” He put the food from his feedbag in a shelf bucket, then cleaned away more blood as she ate.
“I thought we’d be stealing books,” Fleur offered. “Will you try to control me, Non?”
Non coaxed her deadly horn away as he looked up mercenary codes online.
“None of that. Have you heard of Harcourt’s Bargain? When they controlled you, they absolved you of blame beyond your original contract.”
The glint of murder left her eyes. “Vaguely.”
“I’ve called in Octavia Otter to represent you. Best to let her chat. And here she is.”
As if on cue, the otter lawyer stepped into the stall.
“Fleur-de-lis! I’m Octavia! So great to meet you! I understand you need representation!” She then leaned in conspiratorially. “A birdie told me about mind control. You can relax, Fleur. You’re a victim here! But let’s get this crime scene properly documented.” Octavia showed Fleur her credentials.
Ñ̰ INVOKE THE APPEAL TO AUTHORITY FALLACY USING MY SHINY NEW BADGE. NOT THE ABILITY.
Non’s badge added a holographic overlay with his name and picture as he held it up at the growing police line. “I’m Agent Ñ̰. Don’t body-block a unicorn. Get hay bales over here.”
The police agreed that it was better for the alicorn to penetrate a bale of hay instead of their bodies.
Ñ̰ PICOID, SEE IF YOU CAN FIND A CART OR TARP IN THE STORAGE AREA WITH LOTS OF BLUE BLOOD.
Ᵽ SPOTTED THEM. UPDATED YOUR MAP.
Fetlock Holmes knelt near the dead minotauress, the deerstalker hat still on his head. ‘By etiquette, one removes a hat indoors. The classic Sherlock knew etiquette. After multiple cases of mind-controlling headgear, would the bad guys control Fetlock?’
“That got exciting fast,” said Lagen. “Are we going to the Erymanthia before it launches?”
“Yes,” said Non. “Are you coming, Fetlock? There’s a zeppelin full of millionaires to protect.”
Ñ̰ MOVE TO THE MARKED STALL ON THE MAP. UNLATCH THE STALL DOOR AND PREPARE TO PECK THAT RANDOM HORSE.
“Sorry, yes,” said Fetlock. “There’s some mud on the minotaur’s hooves.”
“Like the mud in the stall here?” Non leaned into the stall behind Fetlock to prepare his heavy badge. He noted a rock on the ground and showed a mud sample.
“Not the same color. I need to speak to the coroner, Non.”
“On a showery day such as this, the reddish clay at bare parts of the golf links adheres to the boots, and a tiny part is bound to remain,” said Non, moving his badge inside the stall behind Fetlock. “Five Orange Pips! I’m sure that rings a bell. Amazes me how Doyle came up with those on his own.”
Ᵽ READY. DOOR UNLATCHED. THE JACKAL CHECKING THE MINOTAURESS MIGHT SEE YOUR STUNT.
“Five Orange Pips, of course, my favorite,” said Fetlock. “Are you sure you need me? Lots going on, just check with me if you want to change anything.”
Ñ̰ PECK THE HORSE ON THE WORD ‘WATCH.’ THEN MOVE TO X IN THE RAFTERS.
“Not Silver Blaze? Your lower half exactly matches that horse! Watch out!” Non pointed behind Fetlock too late for a reaction as he levitated his badge to bonk the back of Fetlock’s head, letting a wired deerstalker fall to the ground. Grabbing the dazed centaur, Non lowered Fetlock to the ground as the pecked horse bolted.
“Someone attacked Fetlock! The horse is running off!” shouted Non. “I need a doctor!”
“I’m a doctor,” said the jackal over the minotaur. “She’s dead. What happened now?”
“They threw that rock at Fetlock,” said Non, pointing at the innocent rock.
“You’re lying,” said the nonplussed coroner, kneeling to check Fetlock.
‘Dammit. At least he doesn’t have a hat.’
“There’s mind control afoot, Correy,” whispered a faux limp Fetlock. “They hit me over the head at the railroad last night, near a light green crew car I found suspicious. Non, Joseph Bell said your quote. Doyle changed it to a clay and chalk mixture. I’m the real Fetlock Holmes.”
‘I can deduce they contused the sleuth near an abstruse chartreuse caboose,’ thought Non to himself.
“I didn’t see the rider,” said Lagen, leading the pecked horse. “I guess they escaped.” As Non wondered what to tell his sire, Lagen winked knowingly.
“Dad, get a cart for the horse. We’ll need to move him,” said Non.
“There’s no meaningful medical motivation for moving me,” objected Fetlock, quietly. “But I do need to regroup. Read the checklist in my vest.”
The coroner opened the vest and shirt, handing over the notes. “Let’s move him to my vet clinic,” he said. Lagen brought a cart, then helped Non to load Fetlock onto it.
“Make the zeppelin your first priority,” whispered Fetlock. “Creosote on the minotaur’s hooves is from the railroad tracks. I’ll investigate there when I can. Have you deduced anything?”
“No, nothing yet,” said Non, looking over the zeppelin checklist as the coroner took Fetlock away. ‘‘
Ᵽ JUST SOME HASTY GENERALIZATIONS.
A kingfisher showed their own badge. “I’m Captain Halcyon. Give me a quick debrief, Agent.”
Non pointed to Halcyon’s hat. “Could you remove that? There’s mind control afoot.”
The bird complied. “Everyone, hats off, 12-96, mind control situation. Bag all headgear in the vicinity.” The bird visually frisked Non. “A new agent. Do you have crime training beyond TV?”
“Ah, no. But add the cart and carriage from the Lernea murder to the investigation. It’s back there. I’ll be at the hangar.” With that, Non trotted out of the stables, followed by his father.