BYZANTIUM OUTSKIRTS.

Non woke up in a hossl’sling. “Hello?”

Ᵽ YOU’VE BEEN DELOUSED, CLEANED, SPLINTED, TRANSFUSED AND PHAGED. YOUR BROTHER CHYRON HELPED US WITH GCC REPORTS. CULPEPER WANTS YOU TO ATTEND A SHINDIG. BIG PORTAL IN 140 MINUTES.

Picoid looked at him from his shoulder. A splint and bandages wrapped his right equine foreleg. He hurt everywhere. Stitches covered his body. “Shouldn’t I be in a hospital?” He focused on reading Picoid’s message. The world stopped as he realized his status as a wagon passenger.

Ᵽ YOU HAVE GREAT HEALING. BEST TO SEE IF YOU CAN STAND. WE’LL GO TO A HOSPITAL IF YOU WANT.

Non gingerly eased out of the sling and wagon. He leaned on his staff to try his splinted leg, then looked in awe at a vast verdant garden estate. Fashionable people conversed as horses carried trays of food near a stage and tables. “Yes, I can stand.”

“Welcome, Non,” said a gray mare with a red bow tie. “You sit at the table of honor.” The equine maître d’ gestured. “Bearwarden seated and our host Houyhnhnm reclined behind him. Anything you need?”

Bearwarden [https://i.imgur.com/iZqs6ug.png]

Ᵽ YES, HOUYHNHNM GARDENS. YOU GOT RAILROADED INTO DINING WITH JONATHAN SWIFT AND A SUPERVILLAIN.

║ THERE’S A CHARGING STATION NEAR THE STAGE. I NEED IT. 3 ♇ USABLE ENERGY REMAINING.

Non placed Tycho and his badge in the charger. “Food and drink, lots of it.” She nodded.

“Noncy, you can stand!” said Bearwarden, rising to greet the equitaur. “This is Whinny.”

“An honor to meet you both,” said Non, guided by Bearwarden again. Houyhnhnm nickered.

“Nonsense, Noncy. The Big Portal party was the final stop for the Erymanthia excursion. If you hadn’t foiled them, I’d be one of hundreds of hostages at the mercy of a madman. Many of us chose the Aegean Express as an alternate route. Whilst partaking in a lovely Ramos gin fizz in the dining car, a tentacle horror bounced by, followed by you screaming about the Xanthi dam. I heard your body splinter the roof. Then the Nemean Lion ripped the door away and smashed through my window! He got glass in my aperitif! When the roof broke, I helped Yoke and your brother Chyron to lower you to the floor.”

“I missed that. Thank you. I’ll need time to unclog my cogency,” Non said.

‼ MANY HAVE ACCESSED YOUR GENEPOOL ACCOUNT. WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE A LISTING?

A waiter set down baskets of herby flatbreads, plums, apples and carrots, then another set down salads. Watermelon rinds were set next to Non and Houyhnhnm, who started a prayer.

“Almighty and most merciful God! Forgive us all our sins. Give us grace heartily to repent them, and to lead new lives. Graft in our hearts a true love and veneration for thy holy name and word. Thank you for this bounty before us. Amen.”

Non hadn’t eaten since Grand Theft Zeppelin. With each phrase, he planned a rapacious repast as the prayer progressed, then pushed up his arms. “Amen!” ‘Watermelon rinds!’ His body needed everything. Even equines eschewed his ensuing chewing.

[https://i.imgur.com/G8F0Z02.png]

“Two hours until the Boltysh deflection,” announced a horse on the stage.

Ᵽ IN PROPORTION TO MASS, GC ONLY EATS A GRAIN OF RICE EVERY MYR, YOU GLUTTON. MEANWHILE, YOUR BROTHER FILED A MEDICAL REPORT AND STAYED AT THE DA VINCI BRIDGE. LAGEN HAS LEFT THE DION HOSPITAL. NAGA AND MAYOR UNDERHOOF SENT PICS OF YOUR NEW KELPIE NIECE. ALSO, I WORKED HERE AGES PAST AS THE VINTNER VILLIMAÐUR.

Non slowed his eating, then rubbed his leg. What was the splint?

║ THE LIGHTNING TASTED BETTER. TWO BODY UPGRADES SPONSORED. PAID TWO WEEK VACATION. VIRAL ON SOCIAL MEDIA. YOUR CYCLOPS PAGE GOT LOCKED AT 500 EDITS. PROMOTION TO FULL AGENT AVAILABLE.

As Non finished a pitcher of apple juice, Bearwarden offered a napkin. “To borrow a snooker term, you’ve cleared the table. When you have a moment, centaur, the stage?” Non used the napkin and joined Bearwarden amidst the soft clatter of golf claps, using his staff as he limped onstage.

“Our Athens party crasher, Non Sequitur! First, he saved us from the Erymanthia zeppelin and then on the Augean Express. He’s also saved us 7% on portal costs. It might help your colonists, Rod Walker, wake up. But he missed the part where we saved him. Care to catch up, Noncy?”

Non nervously admitted what his saviors already knew. “I woke up minutes ago.” The crowd laughed at his candor and embarrassment. He risked putting more weight on his leg.

“You yelled about the dam. We called the Xanthi Dam. They captured a bear in a silver cloak at the dam. She had a bomb for the dam. Meanwhile, we’re zipping along on a runaway train drenched with the blood of the fallen. I told our security teams to start giving a damn!” The aristocrats loved it.

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“It’s true! When we found engine controls hacked to bits, and the conductors in similar states, our onboard objectivist train designer decided to do diddly-squat. Chyron, who I heard is family to you, patched you up with our own physickers. Literally! We couldn’t count the number of stitches they used to sew your hide back together! Many of us volunteered for your transfusion and learned the QUACK PD of equines. Only your brother had Q blood. Doc Rockefeller, you funded blood types, right? But it looked bad, Noncy. All of us went quiet. That’s when Hetty Green’s lingerie spilled out over you.”

“Please don’t,” said a profoundly blushing woman.

“Then she says, ‘I think he died. But now he’s undied.’” The crowd roared. “We all laughed like this. It’s the best medicine! You revived! Thank Hetty. So. Noncy. Anything you need?”

Bearwarden shook Non’s still-healing hand too hard. ‘They expect me to say something.’

“Time to catch up, a new surcingle, more food and drink?” said Non, tentatively.

“A surcingle?” Bearwarden rolled his eyes. “For a billionaire’s banquet bequest, a belt? Can we manage that?” The crowd chortled. “Yoke, can you get a belt as he had before?”

“It’ll be a cinch, sir,” said Yoke.

“Excellent. And now, everyone, the original Ink Spots.” Leaving the stage, Bearwarden whispered, “Non, Nigma wants his cane back. Let these doctors check your leg.”

After the unwrapping, a footman took away the fancy cane as two fox docs checked him. As I Don’t Want to Set the World on Fire finished on stage, Non noticed others watching as the foxes coaxed him to walk.

Non hurt everywhere, but could walk okay. “I hope I wasn’t a bad patient.” Nearby tables laughed.

Bearwarden shared the gaiety. “Many are glad to see you alive. But you were the most singularly unpleasant unconscious person I’ve ever dealt with. Poor Irénée over there–”

“You broke my arm!” said a man in a sling, stoking more mirth. “We had to tie you down for a reason.”

“Nothing forges friendships like shared suffering,” said Houyhnhnm. “Tour the tables for encomia melodious despite your coma most odious.” ‘Encomia lookup? Oh, words of praise.’

Ten minutes of shaking hands and trading thanks followed. He thanked an apologizing Hetty before returning to his table, with Bearwarden still present.

“You seem to be looking for more food,” said Bearwarden. “Are you really that peckish?”

“Sorry, but yes,” said Non, flushed. “Still hungry. Is there a salad bar?”

Bearwarden shook his head, smiling. “No, Noncy. No salad bar, yet.”

“Should be ready in thirty minutes,” said Houyhnhnm.

Bearwarden brought his hands together. “Excellent. Meanwhile, if you’d rather munch than mingle, see Eurytion in the wine and cheese vault. Select anything you fancy. He should have a unique choice for you. More food will arrive by the time you get back. Yoke should have your belt by then.”

Non accepted the wine and cheese fetch quest for a moment to think on his own. ‘Finally, something easy.’ He took a moment to perform a fauna survey of the affluent. ‘Who was that naga behind me?’ A luminescent mare stepped to speak to him. He recalled 1 hand ~ 1 decimeter and she was a tall 21 dm.

“Noncy! I’m Lampon, one of the Mares of Diomedes. The Shining! I understand you’ve gotten the first shots for becoming an aequorin equine?” ‘Fantastic. The Shining. Don’t think about doors and axes.’

“Lampon, a pleasure to meet you. I’ve thought about getting the aequorin activated, yes. I love the word. Are your sisters Podargos, Xanthos and Deinos here?”

Lampon nodded that they were. “Let me treat you. Then talk to Eurytion. He can give you a centaur’s perspective. He’s a caver, a troglodyte. This whole area is like Cappadocia, filled with caves. I went down with him three days ago and helped him carry things. Here you go! Enjoy the blue skies.”

♫ YOU HAVE GAINED SPOTLIGHT: YOUR BIOLUMINESCENCE DOESN’T REPRESENT QUINTESSENCE.

🔦 SPOTLIGHT: AEQUORIN EQUINE. ILLUMINATE THE DARK, LET THE STALLION’S BIOLUMINESCENCE SPARK.

After thanking Lampon and smiling at the snarky rhyme, Non stopped at the building with a ramp going down into the Earth. The centaur Eurytion seemed busy with an eye screen. Non looked into his feedbag, then up at the blue skies, leading his hyperactive mind into a whirlpool of thoughts.

[https://i.imgur.com/FyiFv9t.png]

Blue skies! Mayhem mentioned movies Eternal Sunshine, Megamind and Invention of Lying, which all featured the ELO song Mr. Blue Sky! Mayhem’s entire monologue was based on it: everybody’s in the play, running down the avenue, please tell us why, where did we go wrong, everybody smiles at you, today is the day we’ve waited for. Guardians of the Galaxy 2, also mentioned, featured a portal opening in the sky. Amazing Grace! Doctor Mayhem’s luggage had a property deed!

The thoughts bore fruit when a world map pinpointed the property deed’s location.

Ñ̰ ARPANET ACCESS; CONTACT AGENT CULPEPER ON THE EMERGENCY LINE. SEND ALL THESE ITEMS.

Within moments, Culpeper was on the other end of the call, suitably piqued.

║ CULPEPER: AGENT EQUITAUR?

“Sir, Doctor Mayhem bought land close to your Hadrian Wall base. I just sent my memory of his property deed and a letter mentioning Operation Blue Sky. Prepare for assault and have backup plans ready. Mind-controlling headgear has been a problem. Get Grace Hopper to remove her hat.”

║ CULPEPER: QUITE A REPORT. WHAT COULD GRACE DO?

“She’s your lead programmer, Culpeper! She could–” Non’s brain went haywire, and a moment’s use of his eyes told his thoughts why. All colors, lines and shapes turned wrong. Non’s body pattern spasmed.

Ᵽ THE EURION CONSTELLATION GLITCH ACTIVATED. I TOLD YOU TO FIX THAT. WHERE ARE YOU? HELLO?

[https://i.imgur.com/q8JVcsz.png]

Non recalled looking at the unique dot security pattern on currency while on Earth. Now it was the only thing he could see along with surreal abstractions of everything else.

║ 💫ERROR: FULL ALERT! ATTACK ON US. DETAIN ADMIRAL HOPPER. TECUMSEH, TAKE A FORCE TO THE PROPERTY LISTED IN THIS DEED. COMMISSIONER FICHET, LOOK AT THIS CACHE OF DOCUMENTS AND PARCEL THEM OUT. CHEVALIER OꞬYSTDYPƐ̃, TAKE OVER. TELL HIM TO GET TO THE DA VINCI BRIDGE KEYSTONE IF ALL ELSE FAILS.

Non felt a hand on his shoulder, then a familiar, silver embossed hat on his head. “Good to meet you, Agent Ñ̰. Greetings. I’m known as both Eurytion and Eurion, due to my pattern. Don’t be alarmed as I control your walking. The magnitude of your malfunction makes me proud.”

‘He put a hat on me. Eurion is making me walk down the ramp.’

Involuntarily, Non stepped down into the darkness.