The only thing I'd left to do...

~

Progress has been swifter than ever, but maybe that's because I'm more lost in my thoughts than I ever have been. Sefal's noticed the change in my attitude, but I guess being too pensive to have an ego sure helps when you're learning new skills.

I only had regret that I didn't get in the water with her.

But after that, those urges and feelings went away. Not in the sense that I didn't have them anymore, just that they were sealed away in some deep, dark corner of my mind, locked away from all the negative thoughts I had surrounding them.

I was starting to get a little bit of a grip on my magic, which I say now very tentatively, because I think the second I say I'm good at it, it goes and blows up in my face. So I don't do that anymore.

Sefal spent some time trying to help me figure out what my source magic type was.

Now that I was on a learning high and gave a crap enough to listen, she explained source magic, or as the use of it is better known: sorcery.

You see, mages, while technically referring to all casters of magic, really in a technical sense talks about the people that cast spells completely with their minds. They have to manipulate the energy entirely with their skill and practice. Sorcery is a shortcut to that. It's something you're born with, and it's basically just being born with muscle memory for a few certain types of spells.

That's not to say that you have "elemental affinities" or some horse shit like that, just that similar spells of similar types and effects will feel similar to cast. I guess it's like trying to compare soccer, football, and basketball. At the end of the day you're trying to put a ball in a goal, but the goal, the ball, and the way you get it in the goal are all completely different.

Now I say all of this like this information is helping me in my casting.... it isn't. There's so many more layers to magic that Sefal tried to mention, and it all just went right over my head. I felt like I was being thrown headfirst onto a treadmill and my legs are cuffed together. That's what the learning curve is like.

I never really used much magic as Lydia, either, and what magic I did use... all of it feels completely useless. Like I should know exactly how it works and yet I don't.

Circling back, we were trying to figure out what my affinity is, that way I could build a foothold off of it. Which would be the second time we've tried, but according to Sefal it's a lot easier when I know how to cast some spells... my "spellcasting" being the basics of the basics that I can do maybe half the time at best.

Sefal says she has a sneaking suspicion that I have an affinity towards, and I quote "stealth spells, since I don't have another word for them."

She thinks I have an easier time casting anything that has to do with my presence and perception, and also thinks I have a very small power boost in the flame category. Affinities are supposed to get stronger as you do, but I wasn't planning on shitting myself over a "very small boost."

Once she'd figured that out, though, I didn't have much else to look forward to and get excited for. It was same old same old, and I was starting to feel like dead weight. Somehow I barely had the energy to spar with Sefal or go on my nightly "training" session to fill my craving. Mainly since that craving was hardly there.

Or my mind was just too clouded to hear it. The second one sounds a lot more accurate.

Sometimes I'd just sit out of fights and let her take them on. It wasn't like she needed me. She just shrugged and said, "suit yourself." And that was the worst part. It didn't even upset her that I didn't want to be there.

I don't know. I think I'm just in my head. It's not worth it.

So then I would come to that conclusion after a bit, and eventually join in. It just kinda went back and forth I guess. Maybe this cave is finally getting to me.

My training was getting a lot better.

"What's the matter, no snotty remarks? You just kicked my butt!" Sefal seemed legitimately impressed.

"I'm glad I'm getting better," was all I had to say.

"I kinda miss all the cockiness you had going on. You're not doing bad at all if that's what you're so pent up over, jeez."

She noticed that I wasn't being so "snotty and cocky," as she puts it. I just think she pissed me off. But now she doesn't. And I'm not sure if it's the fact that she doesn't piss me off anymore or the fact that I don't know why she doesn't piss me off anymore that really pisses me off, but I'm not liking it.

But then she started trying to praise me a little. Now on the surface, that got me steaming from the ears, but the worst part was the warmth I felt when she did. Really the warmth I started to feel when I would think about her.

To replace my newfound silence, she started telling stories from when she was a witch, traveling the world and meeting all these people.

Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.

After I got a grasp on a wide-area fire spell, she congratulated me with measures and measures of excitement, telling me I did great and that she was proud of me. And not in the sense of like a teacher or a superior, just as a person watching another person grow.

Maybe she really doesn't hate demons, after all.

But while she told one of her stories, I slipped my mind and started to tune her out, letting my thoughts start to run about how completely warm inside I felt, the way I was legitimately excited with her and felt rewarded when she cheered me on. It made sense that I couldn't find a way to snap back with a witty response. It just felt wrong to do that to her now and I didn't want her to not like me.

I started to get an urge, one of those ideas where it's sort of sitting at the tip of your tongue but really it's your whole body, where you're completely torn between doing it and not doing it, and yet you have no reason to support either side.

I wanted to just let loose. To tell her about how I felt. That I didn't understand what it was that I was feeling but that I didn't want to just part ways after we leave this cave and fight the demons, that especially through all the stories she's telling me, I want to continue to fight on with her and have her there when I get my revenge so I can be there while she gets hers. I wanted to help her reach victories because I know how much it means to me that she's helping me reach mine, and I want her to enjoy the peace and quiet we'll make for ourselves at some point, too.

But all of that was just a silly thought. I couldn't do it. In the end she only frowned and got a little huffy when she realized I wasn't listening to her the whole time.

I was completely torn mentally. I've never felt so unstable. At least when I was swinging a knife at anything with a pulse and keeping to my solitude, it made sense to me. It was simple and clean and very predictable. Now I was having to stop myself from not doing that. I had to try to be abrasive and even that I couldn't really do.

So most of the time I just opted to do and say nothing at all. I don't understand what I want to do and I don't know why I can't do what I should do. Or maybe it's the other way around. DAMNIT! I don't even know anymore.

Next time she went to sleep, during which time I made sure I kept as much distance as I could for fear of not being able to restrain myself from just waking her up and asking her if I can hold her close - which just sounds so... filthy when I put it in words, I did a little so-called self-reflection.

And I came to a very painful conclusion: I have feelings for her. And not just feelings. I want to be with her. Agh. Damnit, damnit, damnit, shit, DAMNIT.

I love her. And I just can't keep ignoring that anymore. I'm a complete emotional and mental train wreck trying to come to grips with the fact that I feel that way, but I do.

There I said it. To myself, at least.

So that means it goes away, because I've come to terms with what I'm not going to let myself have.

~

Sage

In order to get a better diagnosis on my outlook now that I have this "Scar Sickness," and to see if I'm curable, Kir and Doctor June decided it would be best to take Carla and I to a kingdom named Vira in order to get me looked at by a doctor over there.

I just shrugged it off. I was happy with the adventure and getting to see new places.

But with that aside, I was stuck with an intense guilt. I couldn't look at Kir the same after that, and she noticed.

She didn't say anything, at least not yet. Before we left, she had some people she wanted to see, and she gave me some money to get myself warmer clothes and refill our supplies. After that we were right back on our way. Carla didn't do much other than tend to the horses and keep track of resources.

She did cook up a good meal every night though. It was fun to watch how she'd pull a solid dinner out of the littlest collection of scraps and the like. That and it was the only thing I could watch after Kir roughed me up during our trainings.

Speaking of training, that got kicked up ten notches. Kir was out to kill me now.

One night, I was woken from my sleep to a knife over my throat, and to see the shaded, emotionless, cold face of Kir eclipsed by the moon, leaving what seemed like her serious eyes and firm lips visible.

"That was a warning. I will finish the job next time," she threatened. And I believed every single word of her now low voice.

So after that I learned the meaning of sleeping with one eye open. And by that point we didn't joke around much as friends anymore. I had a feeling that sort of thing was coming. And if anything it was a relief to me.

Any time I wasn't focused on watching my back because she really truly was trying to kill me, I was focused on figuring out what to do with the fact that I killed her best friend. My best friend.

I felt cold and distant. Carla asked me about it so many times and I wanted to tell her since I had the most trust in her to not shun me for it, but what I've done is kind of a huge deal. I don't know if I'm ready to break that kind of news yet.

Besides, I'm a mercenary now, right? We're supposed to have secrets.

On the brighter side of the equation, this hardcore, live or die regime that Kir's got me on has brought me up exponentially. I can go out alone and get dinner most of the time, or at least when I can. We decided to move during the riskiest part of the year possible.

I guess that was part of it, too.

Kir would make me fight her to get my winter coat. So some days I went cold because I lost. Or at least until I would legitimately get frostbite or just die, then we would light a fire and stop our progress, but Kir gave me the evil eye as though it were my fault that we were stopped. It was a message. I got it.

"You're the one not strong enough to keep us moving at the right pace."

By then I didn't really have any trust in her. At least not in the day-to-day.

I was attacked one blizzarding night by what looked like a grizzly bear, only it had raspberry fur, was twice the size, and had big fists that it tried to punch with.

And though I put up a good fight, I was already so cold I could barely move my arms, so Kir jumped in and completely devastated the creature. It was barely even a fight by the time she got there. At that point I had an infinite amount of respect for her.

I trusted that at the end of the day she wanted to get me ready to fight.

And then it only made me feel worse.

"Why so distant, lately?" She barked while our shortswords clashed.

"I'm not," I stated, grunting against the standstill of strength our swords had against the other. At that point, I lurched forward and kicked her knee in, swiping the blades away and throwing my weight at her to get her into a choke hold on the ground.

She quickly swiped a hooked dagger from her side and flipped her hand back to stab me, which I had to dodge at the speed of sound.

"Never get rid of your last blade. There is no gentleman's battle, only victors and dead people."

She spoke so firmly now. It wasn't fierceness or inspirational. Just firm. Real.

Later on, we arrived at a snowed-in cabin with smoke coming from a chimney.

"This is the doctor?" I asked.

"Nope. Just a detour."