I smile as I spread my own wings...

~

I held in my arms a woman perfectly identical to me.

Her name was Lydia, just like mine.

"You had me terrified for a second there," I scolded as I pulled back and locked eyes with her.

It was pouring buckets outside, and an extremely close bolt of lightning reigned from the sky, then the thunder boomed.

"I can say the same for you," she retaliated, standing up and going towards the wall.

"What do you mean?"

She grabbed the candle from its holder and lit it with one of the ones on the walls just outside and came back in.

Its light was low, but I could see small splotches of dirt on her face and clothes, and her glasses were smudged. Yet, the smile on her face was enough to make anyone forget about that.

"Well," Lydia began as she sat, nearly touching her body to mine. "You're all down in the dumps. I was scared to death that you were gonna do that thing you do where you just shut off everyone and not say anything about your problems."

Leave it to her to be a blunt ass.

I didn't respond, namely because she was painfully right.

"See? Look at that, I was dead on the money."

"Where were you all this time?" I half snapped, half worried.

She looked away and placed her arms down like she was getting ready to stand.

"Hey, don't turn away," I teased. "I want you to stay."

Lydia had a bad habit of leaving as soon as you got confrontational with her, but had no problem getting right up in your grill. It can make trying to have a decent conversation difficult sometimes.

"You forget that I'm not exactly alive. I'm tethered to you, so when you go and flee the country, it kinda throws me off."

I glummed. "You're too casual."

She relaxed and laid her head back.

"You're too tense."

"Touché," I conceded.

Lydia is... me. Well... I'm her. I live in basically a borrowed body. I'm walking around in the skin of someone else, and that someone else should be dead.

It just so happens that she can see ghosts, and that the only ghost I can see is her.

So... I'm friends with the ghost of the woman whose body I inhabit.

But at the same time, it's kind of like I'm friends with myself. I have all of her memories, and it's like I lived them all. I'm sort of a mix of the person I used to be and Lydia.

She yawned and rested her head on my shoulder.

"Seriously, take a breather. No need to get so worked up."

I was just about certain she'd passed out as soon as that sentence left her mouth.

You make it sound like I can just snap my fingers and be calm. That's like saying "have you tried not being sad?"

A lot of fucking people died!

That's not something I can just turn my head the other way over and forget about.

I wanted to wake Lydia up and toss her off my shoulder for saying something as stupid as that, but on the other hand, this was the first time I'd seen her since the raid on Sakari. I needed her here for me, and when she leaves, I don't know when she comes back.

So... I'll take your shit advice and just... not be sad.

Simple as that, right?

~

Four days before the cave...

I woke to the sound of quiet.

Usually it was Myu shaking me awake to play with her, or Lasory waking me to work, or Ayami waking me to help her cook.

Not that I really minded it. Normally it's an alarm forcing me out of bed and screaming at me to go to go to school, or me waking up at 4 or 5 in the afternoon on a weekend with no texts.

I wasn't used to waking up early to total silence. Even though I slept like garbage, I stretched and stood, and I felt alive.

Not awake, just... alive. Like I could put my foot forward with a purpose.

The house was empty of people when I looked around, and a bowl was left on the counter with a cutting board over it. The twins kept their house nearly spotless, so I assumed the bowl was left for me.

Inside it was a still-hot bowl of what looked a lot like oatmeal. I triple-checked to make sure nobody was in the house or the hall outside it, and decided the bowl as probably mine. Of course, it was nothing short of divine, and almost compared to the oatmeal my mom used to make. Though I'm not sure if I could call this oatmeal. It was more like oatmeal but hold the oats.

I was about to sit down and enjoy the peace and quiet when Lasory walked through the entryway and bowed on his knee before me. I stood up because I felt so unbelievably awkward.

"Lady Fezege wishes to see you," he informed me.

"Whoah hehe," I chuckled nervously. "No need to be so formal."

The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.

"My lady I-"

"Lasory!" I raised my voice, which caught him off guard.

He stood and blinked a few times, then cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry," he said honestly.

"It's fine," I replied with a smile. "Where's Fezege?"

"Right, follow me," he led, changing his tone. I grabbed the food that the twins gave me and Las brought me back (what I felt like was) the same route that we took to get here, but continued on past Fezege's office and past the meeting room yesterday and into a massive indoor courtyard-looking room.

It was made of a dark grey marble-like stone, and a railing separated the walkway edge from the center. In the massive open space, sparks flashed across the dimly-lit walls, accompanied by the loud clanging of metal.

It was a tall, muscular man. Keith.

He had a sword in hand - the same one from last night, and was fighting Fezege herself. Atop the balcony on the left sat the King and two women in chairs, presumably his daughters.

Fezege was obviously going easy on him. She didn't even have a sword, just some wrist guards that she was using to block him.

He struck a few times, and Fezege swiped her wrist, knocking the sword out of his hand and sending it flying a few feet back and clanging across the floor. Keith looked out of breath but overly confident about what he'd just done.

"You're still far too aggressive and blind to the dangers your enemy poses," Fezege scolded in a far more serious and upkept tone than I was used to hearing from her. "But you pass."

Keith bowed heavily, gave Fezge his sword, and walked to the other end of the room, disappearing from sight.

Anyone could tell his bow was awkward and completely out of his character, let alone someone who knew him like I did. It was shaky and uncomposed and timid.

Fezege had this almost condescending scowl on her face. I guess the best way I could describe it would be "judgement". She was unforgivingly judging the skill of her students.

I watched intently as I snacked on the breakfast the twins left me - which was killer food by the way.

From the shadows emerged a tall and strong woman wearing a muscle shirt, highlighting her pretty noticeable muscles, and her hair tied back tightly.

It took me a solid second to even register the fact that it was Sage.

She'd gotten just as strong on the outside as she was on the inside.

Everyone in the room had this silent change in tone. It was one of those things you just felt, so tacit that I thought I was imagining it.

Fezege retrieved a sword from the wall beside her where she'd placed Keith's sword, but this one seemed more sophisticated and important. She gave it to the strong, determined-looking Sage before her.

"Begin," the teacher commanded.

The instant the words left her mouth, Sage let out a long grunt and began striking at Fezege.

Just like with Keith, every single attack was blocked, but there was much more to this one. Sage's hits were harder, Fezege seemed to sometimes guess at where she'd need to block, and she took a step back when Sage's final blow collided with her wrist guards and sent a sharp ringing of metal through the air.

The whole time, I was blown away, entranced by the show of sparks and in awe at the skill she had as just a trainee. I never would've guessed.

Ah... this is the test Sage mentioned last night.

After Fezege announced that she was done, and noted that she had no complaints about the performance, Sage did the same as Keith before, though her bow looked like she actually gave a shit about what was happening.

Nobody said a word and began leaving. Lasory touched my shoulder and gestured for me to stay, which made things a whole new kind of awkward as I stood in the middle of a bunch of old people trying to leave.

Finally Fezege and Sage got to us, and somebody went through the room and lit the brighter candles, making the place feel elegant and beautiful rather than dark and mysterious.

"Nice job," Lasory complimented, and Fezege nodded in agreement. Sage thanked him politely, but didn't seem happy.

"Bring the others to the Lounge," the teacher said. Sage nodded and left, and then Fezege looked right at me.

"I brought you here because I wanted you to see what it was like," she explained.

"I don't follow."

"To be a Trainee."

I cocked my head. "I'm confused still."

She sighed a little with a smile. "I want you... to become a Trainee. I think it would be good for you."

I chuckled nervously at first. What was she trying to suggest? That I'm weak? I mean, she's right.

"...w-why?"

Fezege wasn't really ready for that question and glanced around a little.

"I can teach you how to fight, and you'd meet some people that you can talk to and make friends with."

I laughed out loud, then immediately covered my mouth.

She seemed confused. "I'm being serious."

"I know," I apologized, my face turning red. "Sorry I just... don't think that kind of position or lifestyle is right for me."

She thought for a moment and then nodded slowly.

"Okay. Well, let me know if you change your mind. I'll be here," she said with another hearty smile, taking the seriousness out of the conversation. "We're going to celebrate their passing of my test if you'd like to come along for some food and company."

Food sounded good, but company most certainly did not. I'd rather go back to the twins' house and sleep.

I looked at Lasory, and he gave me a look that read come on, just do it.

I nodded to Fezege, and she cheered, then brought us to a pretty sizeable area, which had some booths and tables, and in some ways reminded me of a restaurant, but then had another section that was more open with furniture and places to sit and relax.

There was a giant pastry that I'd never seen before. Something like a cake, but it didn't really have frosting, and it seemed more dense.

The teacher announced things to her class, which was far bigger than I expected it to be. I didn't really pay attention and just sat by Lasory at a booth-table, slumping in the chair and heavily regretting coming here.

A woman came to each table with a menu. So it really was like a restaurant.

She gave us a menu in Common (Elfish), and it was full of strange symbols that part of my brain thought was jibberish, but the other part easily read and understood.

I looked it over quite briefly and realized I wasn't hungry. More so I'd vomit if I put anything in my stomach with all these people here.

I handed the menu to Lasory, and he gave me a stern look.

"My lady, you should learn to be more social," he lectured.

Well, I was getting there until the people I'd gotten comfortable socializing with all died in front of me. So, I'm not exactly keen on trying to start any new relationships.

"I'll work on it."

He knew I was holding in something I wanted to say, but nodded and looked over the menu for some food, trying to entice me into some of the dishes.

I ignored him and stared off into space.

If I was a Queen, nobody would die. I'd build a land with my bare hands to shelter the people whose shelters were taken from them.

But I'm not strong enough to create that kind of world or place. Not as a person, and not as a leader. Not mentally, and definitely not physically.

And thus my cycle of being in pain and having nothing to do about it continues.

Someone tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to scoot over, and when I came back into reality and looked over, it was once again Sage.

She's always trying to be beside me and make me socialize and talk with people, just like Lasory.

She didn't look to be in a fantastic mood herself, but still tried to choke it down enough to make a decent conversation with me. Normally I'd ignore her, but I felt bad, and she did also put in a lot of work during her test.

"What'd you get to eat?" She asked.

God damnit, I internally groaned.

"I didn't feel hungry. I had something right before your test, so..."

Sage's eyes sank a little when I mentioned the test.

"How much of that did you see?"

OH. Now I get it.

"Not much..."

"Sorry." She was looking down and away from me now.

"For what?" I demanded, knowing exactly what she was feeling.

She wasn't expecting that question, and thought for a moment. "I don't know... I don't really like the idea of being some warrior. To someday have to kill people."

"Being strong doesn't mean you have to kill people," I said, which made her stop in thought. Lasory eyed me both mischievously and proudly. He knew I was quoting King Lockwood.

"Maybe so..."

Our conversation was interrupted by Lasory and Sage's food getting here. Sage's plate had two forks, and was a much bigger portion than I'd ever seen her eat. Of course, she tried to entice me to eat some of her food.

Eventually I caved in. It did look good.

We ate and chatted for a while, and we eventually got to try some of the dessert I'd seen before.

After Fezege wrapped up all the celebration stuff, she came to our table and talked with us for a little while.

These three had me in high spirits, as much as I didn't want to admit it. So, I decided it was time to do something.

"Hey Fezege," I began as she finished both her story about a former group of Trainees and the last of her glass of champagne.

She looked at me curiously, inviting me to continue.

"Can we talk outside? I've made up my mind about something."