On the way back from dinner, Hazō oh-so-casually arranged to be walking alongside Inoue-sensei. "Sensei, could I have a moment in private?" he asked quietly.
Inoue-sensei sighed and shook her head regretfully. "In for a penny, in for a giant stack of gold bullion," she muttered. "Sure," she said more loudly. "One sec."
She stopped walking, causing the rest of Team Uplift and Team Asuma to trail to a halt around her. "You guys go on ahead," she said, casually ignoring the way Hazō's eyes were widening and his mouth was dropping open in a perfect 'O' of horror. "Little Hazō wants to have a private conversation, probably to ask for help understanding the changes in his body, all these new urges he's facing, and whether all the self-satisfaction he's been up to lately will really make his hands too hairy to hold a kunai. Sarutobi, would you mind leaving me one of the kids as a minder?" She studied the kids in question with a considering eye. "Probably shouldn't be Yamanaka, though. Wouldn't want those delicate ears to be burned off in embarrassment." She frowned. "Actually, we're just going to sit over there and chat for a while, so maybe the minder could stay a little ways off?"
Sarutobi managed to smother his laughter in a cough, but couldn't keep the grin off his face. "Tell you what," he said. "I'll stay myself and, yes, I can give you some space. Kids, you all have fun now. Remember, straight home!"
Noburi flashed Hazō a cheesy grin and two thumbs up. Keiko gave him an utterly unreadable look before pivoting on her heel and striding off. Nara rolled his eyes and fell into step with her.
"But—" Kagome-sensei said, cutting himself off at Inoue-sensei's shooing gesture. "Fine," he said sourly. "Don't come crying to me when those ANBU stinkers grab you and stuff lupchanzen in your ears or cut you open or take your brain out and put it in a vat or—"
"Thank you, Kagome," Inoue-sensei said patiently. "I promise you can check our ears when we get back. Off you go." The sealmaster glared at her before stomping off, the rest of the crew falling in around him.
"Now, what can I do for you, Hazō?" Inoue-sensei said brightly.
"Senseiiii... Why would you— That was— What were you—"
"Now, now, whining is unbecoming," she chided. "Seriously, what were you expecting? There's no room in the apartment for a discreet conversation and the tall drink of water over there"—she pointed at where Sarutobi was leaning on the wall across the street, smoking and grinning so bright that his teeth were a visible white beacon in the gloaming—"wasn't going to let us just wander off. You had a question?"
Hazō took a moment to settle himself emotionally. Honestly, he was so rattled that now he didn't even want to have the conversation, but given he'd already paid the price he might as well go through with it.
"I wanted to ask about, um...girls? And this poly stuff? And dating. I did what you said and talked to Akane. You were right; she's interested but I think I messed it up and said the wrong thing and I can't screw this up because it's Akane but I've never dated before and I'm sure I'm going to mess it up, especially since now Ino is flirting with me—I think, I'm not really sure how this flirting thing works and I think I'm really bad at it and—"
Inoue-sensei chuckled and sat down, leaning back on the wall of the nearest building, gesturing for him to sit next to her. "Relax," she said. "Breathe. It's going to be okay."
"How do you know?" Hazō asked, sitting down where instructed. "Maybe it won't."
Inoue-sensei shrugged, her face somewhere between wistful and amused. "No, maybe it won't. Still, is panicking about it more likely to make it go well or poorly?"
"...Poorly?"
"Right. So. Breathe. Now, you want to know about romance and polyamory. Okay, I can do that, and I'll even stop teasing." She flashed him a wicked grin. "Well, at least for a bit.
"Romance, regardless of how many people are involved, is complicated. In the beginning it's easy—you're swept away by it, you think the other person is the greatest thing since cranberry cheese, and they can do no wrong. All of their faults get looked at as adorable little quirks because you're still basking in the warm glow of New Relationship Energy. Once you get a little more grownup this is the part of the relationship where you fill the candy jar."
"The candy jar?"
"Mmmhhh...never mind, I'll explain when you're older. Anyway, during the NRE period everything is effortless and perfect. She'll forgive a lot of missteps, so relax and enjoy.
"Specific things...be aware. If she changes her hairstyle, notice and comment. Make her feel recognized and appreciated. Figure out what the things are that move her—for some people it's gifts, for some it's touch or compliments or acts of service. There will be one or two of those that resonate most strongly with her. Observe closely, figure it out, and do that.
"Be genuine. Don't scrape around looking for something to compliment her on, find something that you can say sincerely.
"Now, NRE wears off after a while...if you're living together or seeing each other every day then it's typically a year plus or minus six months. If you're busy ninja who only get together once every couple of weeks then it can last longer, but then it's harder to form close bonds in the first place. Once it wears off, things get harder. The way they always leave their clothes on the floor starts to itch at you. Hisaya used to tell me that the dirty dishes piled on the counter drove her to madness. You two aren't going to be living together so those won't be the things that get to you, but there will be something.
"Worse than the not-dishes-but-whatever-it-is-with-you-two is that when the NRE wears off it feels like all the joy has gone out of the relationship. You'll feel like it's clearly not meant to be. You've fallen out of love, woe is me everything is dark and gloomy and awful and obviously it's time to break up.
"That's when you need to decide: do you really want this person for themself or was it just the NRE and sex? If you want the relationship to continue, that's when you need to dig in and deal with the issues. Face them right away, don't wait—they'll just build up and get harder to deal with later. Identify your own faults and find ways around them. If you're conflict-avoidant then you need to find systems to deal with that. Writing the other person a note every day and leaving it on the kitchen table, or some other agreed-on place, can help; it should include two things they've done recently that made you happy and one thing that made you unhappy. If you need alone time then you need to talk that out with the other person."
She stopped and shook her head. "I'm getting lost in the details, and some of this isn't relevant to you two," she said. "Sorry. The important part is: the beginning will be relatively easy. It will get hard a year or so in. Throughout all of it you need to talk to each other. Be open about things that bother you and address them right away. Don't try to muscle through things that are hard for you or tough out things that are bothering you; find ways to work around them.
"Polyamory is both easier and harder than monogamy. On the one hand you have a third person around to notice developing issues and help mediate arguments. If one of you needs some alone time then the other doesn't need to be abandoned and isolated. There's another income, another set of hands to deal with chores. Those things all make it easier."
"Don't you get jealous, though?" Hazō asked.
She shrugged. "Yes, and? Jealousy is just an emotion, like anger. The difference is that society makes us all learn how to control anger but teaches us that jealousy is this uncontrollable force that will necessarily destroy anything it touches." She laughed and shook her head. "That's such complete bullshit. The exact techniques that work for anger work for jealousy: recognize that you're feeling it. Breathe, relax your muscles. Wait until you're calm again before talking about it, but do talk about it. If you lose control and say nasty things because you're jealous, apologize for them later, admit what you were feeling, and try to be better in the future. If your partner admits that they're feeling jealous, ask them 'what can I do differently so that you feel appreciated and loved?' Really, it's not jutsu development."
Hazō frowned dubiously. This polyamory idea was appealing in a "forbidden fruit" way, and it really just made more sense, which was why he'd kinda-sorta proposed it to Akane, but it seemed immensely risky. Appealing or not, this was Akane! (Still, Ino was awfully pretty....)
Inoue-sensei watched him with a tiny smile and eyes that seemed to be reading his thoughts in real time; he jerked his gaze away when it occurred to him that a genjutsu mistress might actually be able to do that. She laughed and patted his knee.
"Relax," she said. "This is all complicated stuff. The truth is, most first relationships don't last. No matter what you feel for Akane, or for Ino"—she gave him a sly grin and a wink—"the chances are that you will grow apart as you age. That's okay; if you handle it right you'll be friends for life, even if the romance turns out not to be there. Two of my friends from the Academy had this torrid affair, lasted about three years. They eventually stopped dating, but they were still thick as thieves. He stood up with her at her wedding to someone else and the smile on his face lit up the room." She laughed. "You should have heard the 'break her heart and I'll...' speech he gave the groom. Mariko scolded him so hard."
"But—"
"It's okay," she said, raising her hands placatingly. "I'm setting expectations, that's all. Akane is a smart girl, and very mature for her age. You're very earnest and it's obvious that you want this to work. No matter what happens, I'm confident that you'll end up with the relationship that's best for you. That might be friends, friends with benefits, perpetual lovers, or husband and wife...there's no way to know at this point. Still, the next steps are the same: be honest with her, be open about your feelings, talk a lot. Hold off on the physical stuff until she makes it clear that she wants that. Relax and enjoy it. Again, I'm sure the two of you will end up with the right relationship."
She pushed herself to her feet and offered him a hand up. "Come on," she said. "Sarutobi is starting to look fidgety, so we'd better get back."
o-o-o-o
"Good morning, ma'am!" Hazō said, bracing to attention in front of Auntie's desk with his eyes locked straight ahead. He started to sweat when he realized he didn't actually know the woman's name. There was no way under stars and sky that he was going to call her 'Auntie' to her face. She'd pull his spleen out through his nose if he did.
"Hm," she said, eyeing him up and down. She was holding a three-foot stick that was somewhere between 'switch', 'pointing device', 'cane', and 'ancient weapon of eldritch power'. "Early. Good." She fluttered her hands at him. "Oh, relax, boy. Pull the poker out of your bunghole, you're making me tired just looking at you."
"Yes, ma'am," Hazō said, forcing himself to relax slightly. "One thing though—we've been notified that Jiraiya is going to want to talk to us some time today. I'll need to leave for that, but I can come back tomorrow and make up the time. I'm very sorry for this. I know I said I'd work as long as you wanted—"
Auntie held up a hand peremptorily, her face sour as a winter apple. "Look, boy, I helped raise little Hiru and all his friends, I clerked at headquarters for twenty years, and I've known more ninja than you've known hot dinners. You think I don't understand chain of command and obedience to orders? If little Jiry is calling you, you go and stop wittering about it. Have some self-respect!"
"Ma'am, yes ma'am!" Hazō said, automatically bracing to attention, nervous sweat gathering at his hairline.
"Oh, relax, boy. Take the poker out. Now, time to figure out what you're good for. Can you alphabetize?"
Hazō blinked. She wanted to know if he was literate? What sort of ninja wasn't literate?
"Well?! Speak up boy, I'm not far enough from the grave to waste my few remaining minutes listening to you not talking!"
"Ma'am, yes ma'am! I'm literate and can alphabetize, ma'am!"
She sniffed. "Fine. I guess you foreigners aren't all savages after all. You'll be shelving. Follow me, I'll show you the cart."
She led him over to a small wooden cart with squeaky wheels and a massive cargo of books. "This is the shelving cart," she said, one hand drifting possessively and apparently unconsciously over the spines of the books stacked on it. Her tone made Hazō flash back to a long-ago Academy instructor's first lesson: "This! Is an EX-plosive tag!"
"The books on the cart need to be returned to the shelves. You WILL handle them with care and respect, and you WILL file them in the correct spot, do you understand me?"
"Ma'am, yes ma'am!" ("You WILL not touch this or any other EX-plosive tag without my EXPRESS instruction, is that clear?!")
She eyed him balefully. "Follow."
She led him to the nearer of the two tables of books. "These two are all frippery," she said, waving at the tables dismissively. "Cookbooks, romance, trashy novels, that sort of thing." She sniffed disdainfully. "You will treat them with respect anyway, or I will take my switch to you." A sharp glare ended only when he nodded his understanding. "The whole library is organized by topic, subtopic, and then alphabetical by author. Topics are alphabetical in the library, subtopics are alphabetical within their topic. The exception is the ninjutsu theory section in the back, into which you will not go, and this new release junk, which is considered its own topic instead of being on the shelves where it belongs." She seemed personally offended by this divergence from proper order. "Subtopics of new releases are: cookbooks, ninja fiction, romance. Point!"
Hazō's eyes skimmed over the tables; now that he knew what he was looking for he could see the divisions. They weren't explicitly labeled, but there were small gaps between each block and the titles made it clear what was what: 'Not Starving: Bachelor Cooking Made Easy' and 'Forbidden Love: Kenji and the Kitsune!' were pretty broad hints. His finger swept left to right over the table in front of him. "Ma'am! Cookbooks, ninja fiction, romance! Ma'am!"
"Fine. Shelve these." She thrust a gnarled, liver-spotted hand at him, three books clutched in her grip. Hazō grabbed them—carefully!—and checked the author names on the front covers before slotting them back into the appropriate places.
"Not entirely useless, I see. Fine. Off you go. Don't damage the books, don't misfile them, don't laze about. I'll be at the desk." She turned and marched away.
Hazō gulped and scrubbed his hands on his pants to get rid of the sweat before starting to check the books on the cart to see what he had. Akimichi, the one who had been assigned to keep an eye on him, plunked himself down in one of the armchairs against the wall and pulled out a bag of chips...which he quickly put away when Auntie's basilisk glare swept across him.
o-o-o-o
The sun was nearly overhead when a ninja in a brown flak jacket came in, muttered to Akimichi, and then vanished.
This narrative has been purloined without the author's approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.
"Kurosawa, time to go!" Akimichi called. "Jiraiya wants us."
Hazō quickly wheeled the shelving cart back to Auntie's desk. He'd emptied it, refilled it, and was a third of the way through the new load; things had gone much faster once he'd realized that he should sort the books on the cart before starting to shelve instead of going back and forth between sections. Now that he'd been through the full library he'd also realized it wasn't quite as big as he'd thought—
"Go on!" Auntie said, interrupting his thoughts as she shooed him towards the door. "What are you standing here for, boy? You've been called by your superior officer! Hop to it!"
Hazō forbore to say that Jiraiya's status as his superior officer was questionable at best and 'temporary ally of convenience' was probably a better description. Instead he bowed, made sure the cart was tucked out of the way, and hurried to the door where Akimichi was waiting.
"He's waiting for us at Training Ground Three," the Leaf genin said. "This way."
Akimichi wasn't sprinting, but he definitely wasn't lollygagging either, so he still had breath to talk. "I think Auntie likes you," he said.
"What."
Akimichi smiled. "Yeah. What, you didn't notice how she checked your work once, sniffed without saying anything, then left you alone for the rest of the time?"
"Uh...no?"
"She's a nice lady," the heavyset boy said. "'Crusty', my dad calls her, but he always smiles when he says it. He knew her growing up. He always talks about how amazing her apple pies were."
Hazō desperately tried to imagine Auntie baking pies. His mind threatened to shatter under the effort, so he quickly turned his thoughts away.
"Huh," he said, before falling silent.
One of the nicest things about Akimichi was that he didn't feel the need to fill the silence with chatter, so Hazō was able to mentally rehearse what he was going to say to Jiraiya. The team had been over it last night, and he was feeling good. He had an answer to the 'why is the world not like that' question (which, with the benefit of hindsight, now seemed obvious), and a more polished version of the 'we should make the world better' speech, and was feeling good about his chances. Also, they were finally ready with their reward requests.
o-o-o-o
All of Konoha's training grounds were set away from the village proper, and the approaches to each one had twists at the end so that the training ground proper wasn't visible until you were actually in it. Training Ground Three was a grassy field a hundred meters across and fully five kilometers outside of town. A red-granite wall three meters high surrounded the entire area.
"Watch your step," Akimichi said as they hopped the wall. "They let the goats graze here to keep the grass short, but it means there's plenty of turds around."
"Thanks," Hazō said, paying more attention to the ground as they walked out to the center of the field where Inoue-sensei's and Sarutobi's teams were waiting, all of them shooting nervous glances at a bouncing-in-excitement Jiraiya and the two menacingly silent ANBU standing behind him.
Hazō spent a moment pondering which was more alarming: Jiraiya looking like an over-sugared toddler or two ANBU with body language that clearly said 'you know, I could kill you in a heartbeat if I felt like it. Just saying.'
"Finally! What took you?!" Jiraiya demanded, only to wave off Hazō's attempt at an answer. "Never mind, never mind. Okay, this tower of yours: I got the funds!"
Hazō blinked. "What?"
Jiraiya produced a heavy pouch from inside his vest and waved it around, filling the air with the clink, clink of many ryo. "One hundred thousand ryo! It's yours in exchange for a complete delivery of the tower. Design specs, research notes, a dozen sets of seals, any required elements of a prototype, and assistance getting it into production."
"Uh..." Hazō trailed off. "I thought...weren't we here to discuss rewards?"
Jiraiya waved dismissively. "Yes, yes, we'll get to that. C'mon, I've just spent days weaseling this money out of Sensei, I want to spend it before he changes his mind! Alley-oop! Let's get a-building!"
Hazō looked mutely at Inoue-sensei. The redhead nodded. "We aren't going to get a better offer, and we could use the cash." Without looking she reached out and grabbed Kagome-sensei's arm before the sealmaster could do more than open his mouth in protest.
"Here!" Jiraiya shoved a box into Hazō's hands. The genin flipped the box open to reveal a ream of paper, a brush, and an inkstone. "Make with the seals, kid! We haven't got all day!"
"But...they aren't mine," Hazō said. "The Five Seal Barrier is Kagome-sensei's seal. I don't know it."
Jiraiya's face fell. He turned to where Inoue-sensei was not-so-discreetly restraining a struggling Kagome-sensei. "A hundred thousand ryo?" he said temptingly.
"Do it," Inoue-sensei said to her flailing almost-prisoner. "It's okay, really. We need the money but we need the good will even more."
"But—!"
"It's okay," she insisted. "I promise. Think about how valuable we'll be to him once he's actually seen the kind of things we can produce."
"But—!"
"I'll give you the money and these," Jiraiya said, pulling a thick sheaf of explosive tags out of a belt pouch.
"Gimme!" Kagome-sensei said, grabbing for the papers.
Jiraiya jerked them out of reach. "Ah ah," he said. "Tower first."
If looks could kill, Jiraiya's head would have exploded. Fortunately, they could not, so the cranium of the Toad Sage remained resolutely intact.
"Ten now," Kagome said.
"Five."
"Ten."
"Eight."
"Ten. And I keep the excess paper and stuff."
"Okay, okay, here," Jiraiya said, peeling ten sheets off the stack and passing them over. Kagome inspected them closely, cuddled them briefly, and then tucked them away in a pocket of his shirt before holding out his hand peremptorily to Hazō. Hazō passed the box of writing equipment over with a feeling of nameless dread, but Kagome-sensei dropped to the grass without complaint and started drawing seals.
"Don't worry, kid, I'm not done with you," Jiraiya said, turning back. "Arikada said you had these seals that produced mist. How did that work?"
"Well—" Hazō began, before cutting himself off. "That's secret, sir. How much will you pay for it?"
Jiraiya laughed. "Finally learning some OPSEC, huh? Pity. Okay, I'll give you twenty grand for 'em."
"That—"
"Seems way too low!" Inoue-sensei said, materializing at Hazō's elbow. "That seal is at least as useful as the tower. Another hundred kay."
Jiraiya laughed. "Nice try, girl, but no sale. Twenty-five."
"You know, we could just refuse to give you anything," Inoue-sensei said, folding her arms under her bosom and huffing in indignation.
"I could have a Yamanaka mind-dive it out of him," Jiraiya said, clearly warming to the debate. His smile was more playful than threatening.
Inoue-sensei snorted and blew a raspberry. "Oh please. I've listened to enough of Kagome and Hazō's talks about sealing to know you'd be an idiot to do that. Remember, I've been on the receiving end of a Yamanaka mind-dive. Way too chaotic to get the kind of detail you'd need, and I doubt you've got any Yamanaka sealmasters anyway. You're going to take a chance on a non-seal expert getting every detail correct? And that's not even taking into account the way Hazō could distort the reading. Now, if you're done acting like a brat, maybe you can hand over the ninety-five kay you're going to pay us for it and Hazō can start drawing you a seal."
"Fifty," Jiraiya said. "Final offer, take it or leave it."
"We'll leave it," Inoue-sensei said, turning ostentatiously away.
"Okay, okay," Jiraiya said, laughing. "Fine. Sixty. Seriously, that really is my last offer; my budget only goes so far."
"Fine," Inoue-sensei said. "This is your last cheap taste, though. One from Kagome, one from Hazō. You want any more out of us you can pay real prices, not this penny-ante stuff."
Jiraiya shook his head, grinning. "Ovaries of steel. We'll talk when the situation comes up. Now, hand 'em over." He held out another box of writing materials to Hazō.
Hazō gave Inoue-sensei a look and was met with a confident nod. He took the box with a sense that was halfway between resignation and excitement. Handing his first really unique seal over to the Leaf spymaster was not a happy-making event. On the other hand, handing his first really unique seal over to the best sealsmith in the world, when said sealsmith seemed impressed with the idea...well now!
He checked the ground for goat droppings before sitting down and flipping the box open. The grass was damp and the smell of wildflowers was heavy, almost cloying, in his nose. He pushed that away as he pulled the materials out and started drawing seals, using the lid of the box as a writing desk.
His arm moved almost without his will, ink staining paper, lines appearing as if conjured from the ether. He finished the first and set it aside before starting on the second...only to jar to a stop when Inoue-sensei snatched the brush from his hand. She scooped up the one seal he'd drawn and handed it to Jiraiya.
"Here you go," she said. "The seal, as promised. Pay up."
Jiraiya raised an eyebrow. "That wasn't the deal," he said. "Full research notes, a dozen copies, help putting it into production."
Inoue-sensei shook her head. "No, that was the deal for the tower. You agreed to pay us sixty 'for the seal', remember?"
Jiraiya's face went cold. "Are you screwing with me, little girl?" he asked calmly. "Not a good idea to break a deal with me."
"You're right," Inoue-sensei said, not backing down an inch. "Screwing your business partners is a bad plan. Maybe you should have remembered that before announcing that Akane would be reinducted as a Leaf genin without talking to us."
Hazō's eyes were wide and he was having trouble breathing. Behind Jiraiya the two ANBU shifted their weight very slightly. Keiko and Noburi were frozen, eyes darting around between all the potential targets.
His eyes still locked on Inoue-sensei's, Jiraiya held up a hand and the ANBU froze.
"Fine," the Toad Sage said. "You've got a point. I'm not going to apologize for a solution that was better for everyone, but I'll keep it in mind for the future. Now. The rest of it, if you please."
"Twenty thousand," Inoue-sensei said.
Jiraiya raised an eyebrow.
"Twenty thousand," she repeated. "Mistakes need to have consequences if you're going to learn from them."
Jiraiya studied her for a moment, then snorted in amusement. "Okay," he said. "Twenty thousand. I don't have it on me, but I'll have it sent to your rooms." He glanced over his shoulder at the ANBU in the bird mask. "Canary, go."
The grey-clad soldier nodded and vanished.
"Now, the rest of the delivery, if you please," Jiraiya said with exquisite politeness.
"My notes are in the Summon Realm with most of our gear," Hazō said carefully. "We left it all with the pangolins before coming in."
"The rest of the tower prototype equipment is there as well," Keiko said. "Shall I retrieve it for you?"
Jiraiya seemed amused. "You do that. Meanwhile, you still owe me eleven seals, kid."
"Yes sir," Hazō said, retrieving his brush from Inoue-sensei and bending over his writing desk.
Hazō was almost halfway through infusing the stack of seals when he felt the chakra twist in his mental hands and rupture one of the pathways laid down by the brush. Frantically, he pulled at the chakra, trying to draw it back out of the seal before whatever was going to happen happened. Simultaneously he told his body to hurl the seal away and dive to the side—only to find that he was locked in place.
Purple lightning erupted from the paper in his hands, and the world tore itself open. A massive rift in space opened directly beneath him and dropped Hazō out of reality.
He tumbled through non-space, the rift shrinking behind him with frightening speed as he fell away from it. He caught glimpses through it of Inoue-sensei and Jiraiya, looking down at him with expressions of horror spreading oh-so-slowly across their faces. Inoue-sensei was motionless, but Jiraiya was very, very slowly extending his arm towards the rift, his lips drifting apart with the speed of mountains rising from the earth.
Winds of unreality tore at Hazō's ears, screaming incomprehensible words. Impossible shapes flew by—stairs that ran in a square yet always went up, a snake that ate its own tail and had only one side. Creatures spun through the bloody darkness around him—an angular yellow bird, a man in a white jacket with extra-long sleeves tied behind him shrieking non-stop, a bipedal lizard made of green goo wearing a top hat and monocle. Young girls in white shirts and embarrassingly short skirts with sparkles around them suddenly grew into muscular men clad in those all-too-scanty clothes.
Hazō slammed to a stop with a shock that sent the non-existent air blasting from his lungs.
"I've got you," said a long, slow, impossible deep voice.
Hazō rolled over, pushing himself to his knees and clinging tight as the winds of chaos tried to tear him from the back of the...thing, that he'd landed on. It wasn't a megalodon—too smooth, too rounded, far, far too large, and the tail was horizontal, not vertical. Said tail began waving back and forth in broad sweeping strokes that made the whole body bend; for a moment Hazō was nearly thrown clear, but a frantic application of chakra adhesion latched him to the surface.
"That tickles," said that deep voice. "It's all right, you'll be fine. Nothing falls off of me unless I want it to, least of all you."
The chaos around Hazō stabilized very slightly; looking up he could see the tiny pinprick of light that was the rift. It seemed to be growing very slightly larger.
"Who...who are you?"
"That...is a complicated question," replied the immense creature on whose back Hazō rode. "It's hard to know what level of meta to respond on, you know?"
"What?"
"Never mind," the creature said, amusement warming the deep tones of its voice. "I'm a friend, let's leave it at that. I'd rather not attract too much attention just now, because I'm not really supposed to be—"
The chaos of non-space tore open in a rift of blood and pain, demonic voices screaming from the ripped and bleeding edges. "WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING?!" shrieked a voice like nails dragged across slate. "He is Ours now! He failed and must pay the price!"
"Oh, shit," the massive not-megalodon muttered. His tail thrashed faster, driving him forward towards the rift. "Hang on!"
Hazō flattened himself against the creature's blue-grey hide, applied the most powerful chakra adhesion he'd ever used, and prayed to every god he'd ever heard mentioned.
"NONE OF THAT!" the insane voice cried. A taloned hand shot forth from the rift, growing larger until it dwarfed even the mighty creature Hazō rode.
"Jump!" the not-megalodon cried, bucking hard.
The order seemed insane, but Hazō obeyed, allowing himself to be thrown clear. The massive tail swatted him with a blow that should have shattered every bone in his body but instead simply sent him hurtling towards the rift above and interposed itself between Hazō and claws of an angry god.
As he passed through the rift and fell back into his body he looked back. He was just in time to see the massive beast that had saved him, pinned in those mountainous claws like a fish in the grip of an eagle and being dragged back through the fanged and bleeding gash that led from the horror of non-space into realms even worse.