“Kagome-sensei,” Hazō began warily, watching his sealing master study the underside of the decorative carpet with deadly concentration.

“Huh?! What?!” Kagome-sensei spun around violently, kunai in hand. “You’ll never take me alive, you—oh, it’s just you, Hazō.”

There was an awkward pause. “Don’t sneak up on me like that.”

“Uh, right. Actually, that sort of leads into what I wanted to talk to you about. I know this entire situation is very stressful for you, and we all hate seeing you unhappy and on edge all the time. Is there anything we can do to make things easier for you? More safety procedures? Some way to help you keep in mind that we’re constantly watching each other’s backs, and it’s not all on you to protect us? Or maybe there’s some hobby that can help you relax, like your wood carving, or painting, or some cooking? You know what they say. Tension narrows your awareness and limits your range of responses.”

“Hmm,” Kagome-sensei said. “That’s not a bad point. It’d be just like those stinkers to chip away at us with false alarms so we’re worn out when they spring the real trap. And if you’re all fine with me cooking for the team, instead of just for me like I’ve been doing, that’ll make it harder for them to poison us. I’ve lived in the woods for a long time—I like to think I know a thing or two about what’s safe to eat and what’ll kill you if you give it so much as a lick. They won’t be getting one over on old Kagome that easily.”

Hazō smiled. “Anything else?”

Kagome-sensei considered his kunai for a couple of seconds. “Now you mention it, I wouldn’t mind doing some carving. It’s been a while. But then again, they’ll have those Hyūga spies stalking us, waiting for us to show weakness. The second I let my guard down, that’ll be when they strike. No, I have to stay alert. Always stay alert. Can’t have everyone getting mindwiped and dragged off to the lupchanzen farms just because I felt like indulging myself.”

“Kagome-sensei,” Hazō said patiently. “I know you’re the expert when it comes to security, but we are your team. You have to be able to trust us to maintain a perimeter even when you’re not available. Do you trust us?”

All right, so maybe that was a little manipulative. But it was what Inoue-sensei would have done.

Kagome-sensei hunched up his shoulders. His voice trembled a little. “I… I… I don’t not trust you.”

The next few sentences came out in a rush.

“Uh, what I mean is, you could’ve stabbed me in the back any number of times, and you haven’t, so you’re probably not flying squid mind-slaves or Whirlpool revenants or Akatsuki hired killers after me because I know too much, and you gave me a present for my birthday, and I haven’t caught you laughing at me behind my back because I’m not good with people, and… and… I tru—no, I… I mean… I suppose I can go on medium alert for a few hours here and there and leave you to keep an eye on things. If you’re sure.”

Hazō beamed. “You just let us know what kind of wood you want.” Just for today, he was the world’s best apprentice.

Kagome-sensei twirled the kunai around in his hand. “Right. But the second something doesn’t look right, you let loose with maximum firepower, you hear me? Half-measures are what’ll get you killed in hostile territory.”

“Speaking of hostile territory,” Inoue-sensei said, walking in like someone who had been coincidentally wandering by and definitely not listening in to make sure nothing went wrong, “I’ve got something I want to talk about with all of you.”

She raised her voice. “Kids, can you get in here?”

o-o-o-o

“I need to talk to you about Dr Yakushi,” Inoue-sensei began.

“If this is about the schedule, I’ve had a message from him,” Noburi said. “We start tomorrow afternoon. Finally, professional training from somebody who won’t bite my head off the second I forget what a herb is called.”

“Yeah, about that…” Inoue-sensei sighed. “Kids, I know he seems like a nice guy, but I’d bet my perfect hair there’s more to him than meets the eye. I’m not saying he’s Captain Zabuza in a labcoat, but if you think back to what happened yesterday, he steered that conversation flawlessly. I couldn’t have done a better job myself. He got everything he wanted, and he left you all thinking he’s the cat’s pyjamas. You see what I’m getting at here?”

“I don’t know, Inoue-sensei,” Noburi said. “Are you sure you’re not being a little paranoid? He’s behaving exactly the way I’d expect a guy like him to behave in this kind of situation, and there’s no way he could ask us about our bloodlines without seeming suspicious.”

“He was really charming,” Hazō said slowly. “He gave everyone exactly what they wanted, and he made us happy to give him the things he wanted. He did make that slip-up about Akane and data, but other than that he was perfect. And I hate to say it, but… well, what are the odds of us meeting somebody who’s incredibly nice and helpful and saved one of our lives and happens to have an innocent interest in the thing that makes us special? Especially given the kind of ninja we’ve met in our travels so far? Dr Yakushi saved Akane, and that debt isn’t going to go away just because he might have ulterior motives, but I guess there’s no harm in keeping an eye out until we have a better handle on his motivations.”

Kagome-sensei nodded approvingly. “About time. If I had my way, that four-eyed weasel would be spread across an area a mile wide before he had another chance to use any of his dirty tricks.”

“I believe we lack sufficient data to come to a conclusion,” Keiko said. “Nevertheless, it is dangerous on first principles to extend trust to a stranger after a single meeting. This should apply doubly to a stranger from a potentially hostile faction, and triply when that stranger has multiple avenues of leverage over us. I advise caution.

“Noburi, this applies to you especially, as we will be unable to support you during your isolated interactions with Dr Yakushi. Please endeavour to remain objective, as we will be relying on you to provide information to better profile him, and under no circumstances expose yourself to any danger. Other teachers can be found sooner or later, whereas having you come to harm is unacceptable.”

Noburi’s mouth opened slightly.

“I… Thanks, Keiko.”

She nodded curtly, then quickly looked away.

“Inoue-sensei,” Hazō asked, “what do you make of him refusing to give estimates for Akane’s recovery? Is that standard practice for medical professionals, or do you think there’s more to it?”

“Hard to say,” Inoue-sensei admitted. “I’ve had doctors do the same thing before, so it could be completely innocent. Or it could be a gentle reminder that Akane’s in his hands, and he controls when, how and if she’ll recover, so we should make sure not to cross him.” She rolled her eyes. “That’s Dr Yakushi all over. He might be our best friend, or he might be plotting our doom, but either way he’s slippery as a snake and there’s no way to get a good read on him. Keiko has the right idea, though. If in doubt, assume they’re up to something. That’s how you survive as a ninja.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Hazō noticed Kagome-sensei sink slightly into his armchair on hearing this.

“While we’re all here,” Hazō said, “I have a list of things I wanted to bring up.”

“Of course you did,” Noburi muttered. “I swear, one of these days I’m going to steal your paper supply, just to see what happens when you’re finally forced to improvise.”

Keiko gave him an incredulous look. “You. Want Hazō. To improvise.”

“Forget I said anything.”

“Ahem,” Hazō snapped. “Productive discussion, people? While everyone is still awake?”

“Go ahead, Hazō,” Inoue-sensei gave him an encouraging wave.

“First off, Inoue-sensei, Kagome-sensei, do you know any ninjutsu like the ones Sarutobi mentioned, for emergency flares directly overhead?”

“Oh, sure,” Inoue-sensei said. “Every infiltrator with the Fire or Lightning Element knows a version of the Shit Has Hit the Fan, Get Me the Fuck Out of Here Technique. FUBAR Technique for short. Very versatile. Depending on mission parameters, it can mean anything from “converge on my position before they do” to “get an ambush ready at the extraction point because all the hounds of hell are snapping at my heels” to “crater this area to cover my escape, and I’ll try not to get caught in the blast”.

“Run for Your Lives Technique,” Kagome-sensei said quietly. “Big lightshow, wails like a banshee. Bursts your eardrums when you use it, but if a seal’s gone wrong and it’s too late for you anyway, at least everyone else knows to evacuate.”

“Let's save that one for Plan B,” Hazō said. “Looks like we’ll have to rely on Inoue-sensei in an emergency, then, since we don’t have any other Lightning users.

“Next, about our observation tower. Should we be making a prototype? If we can complete one before Jiraiya does, it sounds like he’ll be prepared to pay us for it, and we’re perpetually broke. A favour would be even better.”

“At this stage, we have nothing to lose by doing so,” Keiko observed. “Leaf already has the theoretical basis needed to reproduce it, so we are not forfeiting any kind of strategic advantage.”

“How much is he going to pay us for a secret he’s already got, though?” Noburi asked. “With the manpower he’s got access to, all he has to do is round up a bunch of chūnin, give them a blueprint and a requisition slip, and they’ll be done in an afternoon. For all we know, he’s already done it. I mean, something as useful as invisible towers? I’d get them set up the second I could, to wring the most use out of them before anyone else came up with the idea.”

“Then again,” Hazō said, “time is not the thing we’re short of while we’re here in Leaf, and even a low chance of another favour might be worth taking.”

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Keiko shook her head. “No, Noburi is correct. Opportunity costs. Any day now, Jiraiya or the Hokage will summon us, after which they may well eject us from Leaf without notice. An afternoon spent building a prototype is an afternoon not availing ourselves of Leaf’s unique resources. Hazō, you mentioned the libraries. How much reading time are you prepared to sacrifice in order to gamble on Jiraiya using his assets inefficiently?”

“I’m with Hazō, myself,” Inoue-sensei said. “We need to prove ourselves as valuable to Jiraiya as possible, since he’s our only guarantee of survival right now. That, and getting as much out of him as we can now, is more important than our long-term plans. Kagome, looks like you’re the tie-breaker.”

Kagome’s eyes snapped open. “Whuh? I, uh, I agree with Inoue.”

Hazō and Inoue-sensei exchanged glances.

“Let’s table that one for now,” Hazō said. “Next up, Keiko.”

“Yes?”

“Keiko, I assume you have considered the utility of brushing up on Wind techniques if you intend to ask for further ninjutsu training?"

Keiko’s eyes narrowed. “Yes, Hazō, I have in fact been pursuing a course of independent thought, and even arrived at an original conclusion.”

Hazō, Inoue-sensei and Noburi all stared.

“Was that too direct?” Keiko asked. “I apologise. Nevertheless, Hazō, I would appreciate it if you gave me the benefit of the doubt in terms of agency, and did not expect me to take a passive stance merely because I do not invest a great deal of energy in self-expression.”

Hazō blinked. “Keiko, that’s not what I meant at all. I was trying to ask your opinion, which I assumed you would have because you thought the issue through on your own. I never intended to suggest that you lacked personal initiative.”

Oh. Was that what this was about?

Keiko took a step back. “I’m sorry, Hazō. Let's return to the original topic.

“I have been considering mobility-enhancing techniques. Rapid movement is an area which I would have a distinct advantage in as a Wind user, and one which our group is forced to rely on with depressing frequency. Optimally, I would like a technique that benefited all of us simultaneously, so as to avoid a repeat of Akane’s catastrophe, but even individually, I could derive great benefit from superior scouting and positioning options.”

“That makes sense,” Inoue-sensei agreed. “We haven’t had any real problems with killing things so far, whereas we do spend much of our time running to or from people.”

“Yes, good thinking, Keiko,” Hazō said.

“I’ve got one last item on the agenda. Noburi, am I right in thinking that you can repair your barrel without giving away clan secrets, given that at any time we could be being observed by a Hyūga?”

As Noburi began to nod, Kagome-sensei sprang out of his armchair. “Huh? What? Hyūga? Here?! I’ll give you something to look at, you bullshit cheating ba—“

“There aren’t any Hyūga, Kagome,” Inoue-sensei said as if placating a child complaining of monsters under the bed. “It was just a hypothetical. You can go back to sleep.”

“I wasn’t asleep,” Kagome-sensei said sheepishly. “I was… practising staying vigilant in a medium-alert state.”

“That sounds important,” Inoue-sensei smiled. “We’ll leave you to it. I’ll let you know when it’s time for dinner.”

“Oh,” Kagome-sensei said. “Uh, Inoue, I was thinking I’d cook tonight. We still have the unpoisoned vegetables I tricked those market stinkers into selling us, right?”

o-o-o-o

“I really appreciate this, Yamanaka,” Hazō said. “I know it’s inconvenient for you to be meeting me this early in the morning.”

“No, it’s cool, Kurosawa,” Yamanaka grinned. “I’m getting our shop extra clients, and I’m messing with somebody else’s head. You could say I’m carrying out my clan duties twice.

“So here’s what I think you should give your master for maximum impact…”

o-o-o-o

It was evening, and Hazō had requested to speak to Inoue-sensei alone in the garden. Well, as alone as you could be with an unknown number of ANBU guards watching you, but they didn’t care and therefore didn’t count.

“Inoue-sensei,” Hazō began, “I’m really grateful for all your hard work in looking out for us. I know it must be exhausting. So I talked to Yamanaka, and she asked her father, the head of the clan, for advice, and together we came up with this.” He handed her a bouquet of flowers.

Inoue-sensei gave a beatific smile as she accepted it.

He watched her face as she identified them one by one. Encouragement. Support. Hope for the future. Congratulations on your upcoming arranged marriage.

The smile on her face froze, then slowly melted away, leaving speechless, stunned horror. One second. Two seconds. Three seconds. Four seconds.

“Damn Inoichi and his big mouth!”

What.

“I’m so, so sorry, Hazō,” Inoue-sensei whispered. “I never meant for you to find out this way.”

She beckoned him to a bench. He sat down.

“Please don’t tell anyone yet. I’m going to need a lot of time to bring Kagome round, and I’m still trying to figure out how to handle Keiko.”

“Inoue-sensei, what—”

“Hush. This is… hard for me. Let me explain everything, and then you can ask your questions.”

Hazō nodded mutely.

“Jiraiya and I have been talking about it for a while now. The last couple of times we met, but also while we’ve been in Leaf. Sarutobi’s been covering for me with clones while I kept sneaking off.

“The fact is, Jiraiya’s under a lot of pressure to get an heir, so all the value he represents to Leaf doesn't vanish when he dies. But he can’t just marry into an existing clan, because that would wreck the balance of power. So… what if he started his own?

“I’m strong, I have no political ties, and he and I have great chemistry. In time, I think we can learn to love each other. And Mist isn’t going to be able to out-diplomat him. Inoue Mari? Who’s she? Never heard of her. I might need hair dye, but that’s about it.

“But that’s not the best part. The paperwork’s still in progress—we’ve timed it so it’ll come through right after the wedding—but he and I are going to formally adopt the three of you. You’re not of the blood, so you won’t be able to inherit, but once you’re part of Jiraiya’s clan, you’re going to be Leaf ninja and legally untouchable. And of course, he’ll teach you whatever it takes to make the new clan stronger while it’s still young and vulnerable. But most importantly, you’ll be safe. We’ll all be safe.

“Obviously, we can’t adopt Akane or you won't be able to marry her, but if you two do end up getting hitched, then she’ll benefit from all this too.

“Hazō, I know I can’t replace the real thing, and that I’m inexperienced and certainly not the best woman for the job, but I promise you, I will be the very best mother to you, Noburi and Keiko that I can be. I’ll even cut down on the sex jokes as much as I can.”

She clasped his hand between hers. “So now you know, will you please give this marriage your blessing?”

One second. Two seconds. Three seconds. Four seconds. Five seconds. Six seconds. Seven seconds. Eight seconds. Nine seconds. Ten seconds.

“Crap, I think I broke him.”

Hazō’s brain engaged.

“WHAAAAAAAT?!”

Inoue-sensei burst into helpless laughter.

o-o-o-o

Petty revenge, take two.

An eternity later, once she was finally done laughing, Inoue-sensei told him how proud of him she was, and encouraged him to keep trying—as long as he was prepared for retaliation in kind. And in order to further this goal, she was more than happy to give him a flower recommendation to deal with Yamanaka.

“She’s going to be a tough nut to crack, that girl,” Inoue-sensei said, index finger raised contemplatively to her lip. “If you’re too subtle, it’ll be water off a vampire canard’s back. But if you’re too blunt, it’ll bounce off that confident exterior. Still, they don’t call me Mari the Flower Mistress for nothing.”

“Do they call you that at all?” Hazō groused, still bitter about his defeat.

“Details, details. Take this list to the nearest florist—I think they have late hours—and then go straight to the Yamanaka compound. If you give me five minutes, I’ll sweet-talk a couple of ANBU into escorting you. If they’re as bored as I think they are, it shouldn’t even be hard.”

“What do these flowers mean, Inoue-sensei?”

“Oh, don’t you worry about that.”

Hazō gave her a look of the deepest scepticism he could muster.

“I mean it,” she said. “You don’t have the acting skills to pull off the attitude these flowers are going to convey, and it’ll only ruin the impact if you try. Just be yourself, and everything will be fine. I promise you, I’ve fulfilled my Hazō-pranking needs for the night.”

o-o-o-o

“First thing in the morning, then last thing at night,” Yamanaka yawned. “I know you can’t get enough of me, but would it kill you to—"

“Yamanaka Ino,” Hazō said firmly. “I came to give you this.”

He offered her the bouquet.

Yamanaka took it with an expression of unabashed surprise, then inspected the contents with the deftness of a born florist.

A core of holly. Interwoven hydrangea and white lily. A scattering of cherry blossoms. Daffodils to round it out. And, at the bottom, a cactus bud from the Wind Country, just starting to flower.

Yamanaka looked up at him. Then down at the flowers again. Then back up. Her face was a deep red, and her eyes were open a little too wide for comfort. “K-Kurosawa, I had no idea—”

She stopped herself.

“I—I’m sorry. I need some time to sort out my feelings. Please excuse me.” She bowed deeply and fled, still holding the flowers.

The ANBU escorts, standing respectfully just out of earshot, gazed at Hazō in awe, as at a man ready to lay down his life in the name of love.

Well, on the bright side, there was no question that he’d successfully messed with Yamanaka’s mind.