August 31, 1068 AS

Jiraiya took care to make noise as he came down the hall, to knock clearly but unthreateningly on the door, and then to wait patiently.

"You won't take me alive, you stinkers! I'll kill you all! I'll squish you into meat paste and—"

"It's just me, Kagome," Jiraiya called. "May I come in?"

"Me who?" came the suspicious reply.

"It's Jiraiya, Kagome. I'm alone." Calm. Keep the voice calm. Very important when dealing with insane wild animals. Especially ones with wagonloads of explosives.

"Jiraiya, huh? A likely story. Go away."

Jiraiya facepalmed. He did not need this shit. "Come on, open up." Deep breath. You can do this. Keep the voice calm, don't grit your teeth. "I just want to buy some of your seals." Argh! God that hurt.

Silence.

"What."

"I want to...." Deep breath. Calm. Don't sound angry, don't sound angry. "I want to buy some of your seals."

Silence...silence.... "Hang on while I disarm the traps." Faint noises of someone moving around inside the room.

Jiraiya waited patiently.

Jiraiya waited patiently.

Jiraiya waited pa...FUCK THIS NOISE! "Come on, Kagome, open the damn door!"

"Keep your pants on," the demolitionist grumped through the door. "I'm almost done."

Jiraiya waited not-the-hell-at-all patiently, fighting down the urge to either kick the door in or just leave. The first would earn him a faceful of explosion and the second meant he wouldn't get the implosion seals he wanted. He wasn't going to leave without them. Because it was important. And because Sensei would mock him endlessly if he came back empty-handed.

The sound of a wasn't-there-when-they-moved-in deadbolt being withdrawn came faintly through the door. And then another one. And another. And another. And anoth—okay, seriously, what the fuck?

Finally the door opened a tiny crack. One suspicious eye showed around the edge as Kagome surveyed the hall. "What do you want?" he demanded.

Jiraiya took care to stand still and raise his hands palm out in non-threatening placation. If there wasn't something ridiculously dangerous aimed at him through the door right now he would eat Gamabunta's ugliest hat.

"May I please come in?" he asked with what he felt was admirable calm.

"Why?" Kagome demanded suspiciously.

Jiraiya took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Don't look threatening, don't look threatening.... "Because it's rude to make a customer stand in the hall."

Kagome's eye glared sourly at him for several seconds, then disappeared. The door gods-damned-finally opened.

"Come in," Kagome said grumpily.

Jiraiya stepped inside and looked around. The very comfortable bed that had been here was gone and a woodsman's bedroll was rolled up in the corner. The rest of the furniture had also been removed, as had the carpet. Holes had been chopped through the floorboards in several places to provide space for waist-high red granite walls. A taller wall blocked off the window; the only light came from a trio of oil lanterns, each with a Purifier pointed at it get rid of the smoke. The granite walls and walls of the room were covered in tags, as were the floor and even the damn ceiling. He didn't recognize the designs off the bat but they were clearly not intended to provide a friendly welcome full of sparkly strawberries.

"I love what you've done with the place," Jiraiya said, trying and failing to keep a trace of snark out of his voice. "Very survivalist chic."

Kagome looked around...guiltily? Really? Well, maybe that was a good sign.

"It's more comfortable like this," he mumbled.

"Whatever floats your boat," Jiraiya said with a shrug. "Look, I want to buy some of your implosion seals." He unslung the tote bag from his shoulder and held it out.

Kagome stepped back, staring at the bag as though it were full of vipers.

Jiraiya sighed and crouched down, opening the bag wide and pulling out the contents one at a time, placing each item on the floor as he did.

"Fifty thousand ryo," he said, tossing a jingly pouch on the floor. "A storage seal with ten thousand sheets of seal-quality paper and ten inkstones. Two pounds of chocolate. And these." He held up the three books, waggling them suggestively before fanning them out so that Kagome could read the covers: Ueshiba's Guide to Security; Practical Cooking for Bachelors; and Civil Engineering, Volume 1.

Kagome's eyes went wide and gleamed with a junkie's fervor. "Gimme!" he said, reaching to snatch the books from Jiraiya's hand.

The Toad Sage pulled them back and wagged a finger. "Ah, ah. Trade, remember? I want two hundred implosion seals."

The suspicion was back and Kagome was fondling his ring boxes. "Why? You're the amazing sealmaster. Make your own stuff."

Jiraiya sighed; a lifetime of politics and spywork allowed him to keep a calm face, but it was hard. "I don't know your implosion seal and I don't have time to figure it out on my own," he said, not gritting his teeth at all. "They're...impressive." The last word almost choked him.

"You just want to steal them for yourself," Kagome snapped. "Think I don't know what's what, huh? Think I'm stupid, like you can just come in here and steal all my best stuff? Huh?!"

Jiraiya allowed a little of his frustration to seep onto his face, but he didn't stand up. "Kagome, in a few days we're going to be clan," he reminded the paranoid obsessive-compulsive obnoxious stupid ill-mannered...no, no, the very careful and socially disconnected colleague. "I will be the head of that clan, and it is my job to protect you and the rest of the team. You may not trust me yet—hells, you might not like me—but I really am on your side. Please help me protect the others."

That made Kagome pause. Jiraiya waggled the books slightly and watched the very careful and socially disconnected ninja's eyes follow their movement with a look that clearly showed almost physical hunger.

"You won't steal them?"

Jiraiya took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "No, I won't steal them. I'll even promise that I won't reverse engineer this batch or let anyone else reverse engineer them. Sometime in the future I hope I can convince you to let me study them so that I can make them myself in order to protect our clan, but I'll promise not to do it for this batch."

Kagome fidgeted nervously. "Two hundred, huh?" He fidgeted again, looking back and forth between Jiraiya, the books, the storage scroll, and the chocolate. "Okay." He ducked behind one of the walls and came back with three bags, each with a small label painted on.

"Twenty meters, ten meters, half a meter," Kagome said, handing the bags over one by one. "A hundred in each." Fidget, fidget. "You, uh, you can keep the extras."

Jiraiya opened the twenty-meter bag and looked in. A wealth of heavy wooden disks stared back at him. Each one had a seal on one side and the number '20' on the other.

"The half-meter ones are good if the stinkers get up close," Kagome explained. "Probably won't kill 'em, but it gives 'em a good shove so they're offbalance and you can squish 'em. The disks are heavy so you can throw 'em. Boom, squish. Well, really more schlurp, squish. Gets the job done."

"What's the range on the timer?"

"Half a second to two minutes. Or you can set them for proximity detonation. Good for securing the perimeter. Automatically deactivates after twelve hours in case you need to move them."

Jiraiya's eyebrows shot up. That was an unusual trigger mechanism and tricky to get right, especially if there was a secondary trigger built in. "Spherical detection or cone? What's the range?"

"Spherical," Kagome said, as though offended. "What's the point in cones? Just lets the stinkers sneak around 'em. Ten meter range. Goes off if you get tunnelers, but probably won't hurt them. Still, it's a good warning."

"Nice." He tossed the tags into his tote and stood up, extending a hand to the ver—to his clan member and colleague. "Thanks, Kagome. These will help." A thought occurred. "I'm not leaving you unsupplied, right?"

Kagome looked at him as though he were the stupidest child in the class. "Like I'd give you my whole supply. Stinking idiot."

Jiraiya chuckled. "Okay, good. Thanks, and enjoy the books." He turned and let himself be ushered out; deadbolts were snicking back into place before he was two steps down the hall.

o-o-o-o

September 1, 8pm

"Mari-sensei, have you seen Jiraiya?" Hazō asked. "I made a list of—"

"Sigh. Of course you did."

Hazō glared at her. Seriously? Who actually said 'sigh'? "I made a list about the pros and cons of the three potential clan compounds. I wanted to run them by the rest of you and then show them to Jiraiya."

"Haven't seen Jiraiya since the sealing work yesterday," Mari-sensei said with a casual shrug. "He said he was going to be crazy busy from now until the Council meeting and probably would just stay at his apartment since it's closer to the office." At the word 'Jiraiya' Mari-sensei casually scratched the back of her hand in the intra-team code for danger; avoid subject.

"Ah, okay," Hazō said, carefully not reacting. "So that's why he had that chūnin take us around. Well, anyway, can I show you the list?"

"Sure, whatcha got?"

o-o-o-o

September 2

"Ishihara Akane, orders from Central!" Mari called, knocking firmly but not too loudly.

A window shot open above her head and a green-clad figure leaped out, turning a neat mid-air flip before landing in a perfect three-point stance.

Akane straightened up, snapping to attention. "Ishihara Akane, reporting for orders, ma'am!"

Mari smiled. The henge she was wearing was of a tall, spare woman with salt-and-pepper hair wearing the grey uniform of a Konoha civilian in service to the military, the blue cloth tied around her upper arm marking her as an official messenger. Nice to see that Akane didn't recognize her. Her former student was looking good; she had grown an inch in the few months they'd been gone and put on substantial muscle. The green spandex was a very bad sign, but at least she wore a vest over top of it. Good in part because it covered up her chest and in part because it provided pockets. It lacked the shoulder flashes of a chūnin vest though, which wasn't too surprising given her age and experience. Still, pockets.

"You are to come with me, Green priority," Mari said in what she thought of as The Official Voice. "Recognition code: Marmalade robin opera."

"Response: Red seven blue. Yes, ma'am. May I inform my parents that I'm stepping out?"

Mari nodded. "Of course. This isn't scramble."

"Thank you, ma'am." Akane ducked inside and was back half a minute later. "Ready, ma'am."

Mari led them out towards the training fields at what would be a fast walk for a civilian and a painfully slow mosey for a ninja. Akane followed without protest, matching her stride to the currently-taller woman's.

Mari waited until they were out of sight of the housing area before stepping off the path into the woods. She was pleased to see that Akane widened the distance between them slightly and started looking around without ever letting Mari get outside her peripheral vision.

Once they were screened from the path, Mari allowed her henge to dissolve and stood revealed in all her tiny, fire-haired glory. "Hello again, Collie," she said with a wide smile and open arms.

Akane's eyes went wide and she surged forward, returning the hug fiercely before picking Mari up and whirling her around in glee. The girl was insanely strong now, and most of the breath whooshed out of Mari's lungs, but she found herself laughing anyway. Gods, how she had missed the girl!

Akane set her down and stepped back, suddenly looking nervous. "Inoue-sensei, what are you doing here? It's not safe."

"Relax," Mari said, waving a dismissive hand before settling on the trunk of a fallen tree, and patting the space beside her. "Jiraiya brought us in from the cold a few days ago. Have a seat and let me tell you about it. And it's Mari-sensei to you, young lady."

Akane smiled at the last, and then took a seat. Mari was both pleased and saddened that the girl sat slightly more than arm's-reach away.

"There's some important parts here that are classified above your level," Mari began. "What I can say is that the team has done work for Jiraiya and we're here on his recognizance. We are still officially missing-nin but we aren't in immediate danger.

"Did your father tell you about Hazō's visit?"

Akane nodded. "Yes," she said. "At breakfast the next day. I think he was conflicted about it, but he did. He told Hazō-sensei to stay away but said that if he could deliver this miracle he promised then he—Dad—might reconsider." She smiled fondly. "And then Mom said, 'Akane, sweety, I know that telling a teenage girl to stay away from a boy she fancies is the best way to drive her to him. It's how your dad got me, after all.'" Akane's face split open in a radiant grin. "The way they looked at each other was adorable. Anyway, Dad told me that Hazō-sensei was a missing-nin and wouldn't be allowed to stay in Leaf forever and that they didn't want to see me heartbroken when he left, or to have me go missing myself to be with him. Mom asked me to please just end it now."

Mari nodded. "Good, sounds like they're handling it as well as could be expected." She reached into her pocket and pulled out Hazō's letter. "Hazō is respecting the deal, but he didn't want you to hear that we were back from someone else, so he asked me to give you this. How much of it you tell your parents is up to you." She held out the letter.

Akane took it and tore it open, eyes flicking down the lines of Hazō's messy handwriting. A smile spread across her face as she read.

"Thank you," she said, tucking the letter away. "I'm so glad you're all back, Mari-sensei. I was really worried when I heard what had happened."

Mari snorted. "I was pretty worried my own self. Anyway, enough of all that. For the last few months I've been trapped with a bunch of boys and Keiko, who is a wonderful person but not the most uplifting conversation partner. Tell me everything that's been going on. Did you talk to Ino after we left? How is training? Please tell me you're doing something fun, too. Dish, girl."

Akane chuckled. "Yes, Ino came to see me. She seems nice enough. She dragged me out shopping a couple of times, and even took me to places I could afford. I've been training with Gai-sensei and, um, Lee." She looked down at the name, a bright-red flush spreading up her face.

"He is pretty adorable, isn't he?" Mari said knowingly. "Really need to do something about that haircut, though."

"I know, right? I've suggested it, but—"

The sun wended its way up to zenith as the two gossiped on. Mari was amazed at how much she had missed the chance to stop being a ninja and a team leader for a few hours and just be a woman in the company of other women.

o-o-o-o

September 3, 1am

"EVERYBODY OUT! MOVE IT!" The bellow from outside the windows was backed up with a massive wave of killing intent that hit like a slap from a demon god.

Before his brain was fully awake, Hazō was on his feet, wearing the clawed gauntlets gifted to him by the pangolin, and sprinting from his bedroom into the common room. Long training by a sadistic teacher who enjoyed late-night ambushes had taught him to sleep in a shirt and shorts, so at least he wasn't flapping around.

The rest of the team was there within seconds of him; Keiko had kunai in both hands, Noburi was already summoning his Water Whip, and Kagome-sensei had chosen to blow a hole in the wall between his room and the common room instead of spending the time to disarm his traps so he could go through the door. No one was surprised; the sealmaster had been very clear about his intentions, to the point of chalking a 'door' on the wall when they first arrived so that everyone would know where not to stand.

"Out here! Now! All of you!" Jiraiya (Hazō was now awake enough to recognize the voice) bellowed from underneath the common-room window. "MOVE!"

"Kagome, door," Mari-sensei snapped, pointing at the exterior wall. Kagome-sensei raised his hands and the wall ceased to exist. The team was out the hole and dropping to the ground before the splinters hit the ground.

"What's going on?" Mari-sensei snapped, looking around for threats.

"Shut up and follow me," Jiraiya snarled. Hazō blinked at the sight of him; Jiraiya's face was covered in bruises and parts of his hair were burned off. He wore a field uniform and pack instead of the traditional robes and sandals that he favored while in Leaf. The uniform was torn and covered in road dust and splashes of blood.

Jiraiya started to turn away, then stopped and pointed at Kagome. "You. Listen closely: You are fucking safe while you are with me. If anyone threatens any of you I will fucking burn his face off and piss on the ashes. We are going to become a clan right the fuck now, so don't screw it up. Don't talk unless I tell you to, don't threaten anyone, keep your hands in your godsdamned pockets. I am all out of fucks to give about anything at all, so don't screw with me right now. Got it?"

Kagome studied him for a moment, then put his hands in his pockets and nodded. "Got it."

"Good. Follow me and keep up." The Toad Sage turned and sprinted flat out towards the Hokage Tower, the team scrambling in his wake.

The Hokage Tower, seat of government for the Village Hidden in the Leaves and headquarters of some of the most powerful ninja in the world, was never entirely quiet. At any time of day or night there would be at least a few ninja reporting in from missions, clerks working late, and guards patrolling the corridors or standing sentry at important chokepoints. Right now the place was buzzing like a kicked anthill. Chūnin, jōnin, and ANBU were everywhere; several of the sentries attempted to demand passcodes from Jiraiya or question him about the team's presence. He blew past them with snapped-out codes and a complete lack of concern for protocol.

Hazō was getting more and more nervous as they went through the building past guard after guard. Hokage Tower was host to a few ANBU at all times of day or night, but this? They'd been past easily two dozen of the masked special forces agents in the span of four hallways and seven staircases. What could possibly be going on?

"They're ready for you," said a colorless and surprisingly calm little man in the gray uniform of a civilian. He held a writing tablet with a series of papers in one hand, a charcoal stick pinned to the surface with one ink-stained finger. In his other hand was a scroll sealed with red wax which he offered to Jiraiya.

"Mood?" Jiraiya demanded, taking the scroll.

"Hyūga and Uchiha are seriously pissed," said the grey man. "Nara is being quiet; Yamanka and Akimichi are taking their cue from him, as you'd expect. Inuzuka is ready to chew nails but she's waiting to hear what's going on before complaining. Aburame looks stiffer than usual but I've never been able to read him very well. Motoyoshi and Kurusu are curious and a little nervous. The rest of the minor clans haven't arrived yet."

Jiraiya nodded. "Thank you, Isobe," he said with careful politeness. Hazō could see the tidal wave of anger locked just behind that courteous pretense.

The grey man shrugged. "It's my job. The only way I can honor him." He looked away for a moment and cleared his throat. "There's food, water, and tea on the table, along with one cup of sake each. I assume it's going to be tense, so I won't bring more unless you send for it. I'll have the paperwork for the other things ready in ten minutes—we had to dig some of the forms out of the deep archives or it would be done now."

Jiraiya's smile was a tiny bit less forced. "You're a good man, Isobe. This would be a lot harder without you."

"Honor the hat," Isobe said. The words had a steel behind them that civilians rarely dared use toward ninja. "That's all I ask."

Jiraiya nodded without a word. He clapped a hand on Isobe's shoulder, then shoved open the door to the Hokage's personal conference room and stalked inside. The team followed him in silently, taking up positions along the wall and trying not to be noticed.

The conference table was burnished maple, long and wide and currently surrounded by some of the most powerful people in Leaf: the heads of the major, and two of the minor, clans.

"What is the meaning of this, Jiraiya?" snapped Hyūga Hiashi. Hazō didn't know the clan heads by sight but it was impossible to mistake the all-white eyes of the Hyūga clan, although the elegant and screamingly expensive formal robes with the Hyūga clan crest were also a pretty good hint. The other clan heads had obviously scrambled into the nearest clean clothes when they'd been rousted from their beds in the middle of the night, but trust the Hyūga both to take time to dress properly and to be able to do it fast enough.

"Shut up and listen, Hyūga," Jiraiya said, stalking around the table to stand in front of the Hokage's chair. "I'm about to explain it."

Hyūga's face suffused with anger, but one of the other clan heads jumped in before he could say anything. One of only two women at the table, she was medium height with spikey brown hair, a narrow face, and dressed in field uniform. "What do you think you're doing there, Jiraiya?" she demanded, pointing at the chair. "Where is the Hokage? And who are those people?" She pointed accusingly at Hazō and the others where they stood against the wall.

"Shut your fucking mouth and listen, Inuzuka," Jiraiya said, his voice deadly cold. "You'll have your answers in about five minutes. Until then, no interruptions.

"On August 25th this team of missing-nin"—he waved in the general direction of the team—"delivered into our hands a new seal that lets any ninja walk on air. For the last week the War Office has been scrambling to rewrite every strategic and tactical doctrine we have." He nodded towards Nara Shikaku at his right. The head of the War Office slouched in his chair, fingers interlaced over his stomach; he grunted in acknowledgement but didn't say anything or move.

"At the same time that they brought us the skywalker seal they also brought us intelligence that on September 6 there will be a meeting at the Hinago Medical Center in northern Rice. At this meeting the summoning scroll for the Capybara Clan will change hands. We don't know who will be involved in the exchange but if there's a summoning contract involved we assume the people involved will be powerful. Nara can give you the exact details after my report, but he estimated that there was a thirty percent chance the buyer will be from Mist."

"Twenty-eight percent."

"I will shove a Rasengan through the face of the next person who interrupts me." Jiraiya's voice was calm, almost friendly. Nara raised one eyebrow but nodded a minor apology and gestured for him to continue.

"As you should all know if you read the godsdamned intelligence briefings that I've been circulating for the last five years and then generally having to repeat verbally, Mist has de facto taken over Hot Springs after the Cold Stone Killers incident. That gives Mist a foothold on the mainland and the moral high ground since they're providing protection for people who desperately need it after the recent terrorist attack." Hazō kept his face still, but out of the corner of his eye he caught Noburi's tiny wince.

"If we assumed that Mist would in fact be the buyer, that meant that one or more of their top ninja would be tied up in Rice. Their combat power has been reduced significantly over the last year; a sizable group of ninja, including several jōnin, defected and hid in the Swamp of Death in northwestern Fire. With our permission Mist sent a task force to wipe out the defectors. All of the defectors were killed in this action, as was thirty percent of the task force.

"Mist doesn't have all that many S-rank ninja left. Given the new and unprecedented tactical advantage obtained from skywalkers it was determined that we had a unique opportunity to eliminate a significant fraction of Mist's remaining combat power if we were willing to troll the right bait.

"The right bait, of course, was my godsdamned godson, our jinchūriki." Kagome twitched; heads snapped towards him for a moment before turning back to Jiraiya. "We deliberately leaked word to intelligence assets who are known to be compromised that Naruto would be going on a C-rank mission to Noodle accompanied only by his jōnin-sensei and two genin teammates. We expected that Mist would take the opportunity to ambush him, and we had a force positioned for a counter-ambush. Given that Mist would be attacking a jōnin and the jinchūriki of the Nine-Tails we expected them to bring a large force—best estimates said we should expect to face Momochi Zabuza, nine to fifteen jōnin, and possibly the Mizukage himself: Yagura, jinchūriki of the Three-Tails.

This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.

"On the afternoon of August 31st Naruto and his squad—or, rather, his jōnin-sensei, Nakamura Dai, and two Shadow Clones henged to look like his squadmates—departed for Noodle in full view of gods, demons, and every fruit vendor and spy in Konoha. That evening, after dark, I led a covert strike force to shadow him and his team."

He paused, looking around the table. His jaw worked as he clearly struggled to control his temper. After a moment he took a deep breath, swung the field pack off his back, and reached inside.

"The force that I brought with me consisted primarily of ANBU agents. Ox." From the pack he produced a storage scroll with the character 'Ox' brushed on the outside and the two black stripes on the ends that marked a scroll containing a dead body. He set the scroll down and reached inside the pack again. "Bull." Another scroll. "Hawk." Another scroll. "Ocelot." Another. "Crane. Wolf. Cat. Bear. Mamba. Tiger. Panda. Mongoose." The names came faster, the scrolls laid down with more force. The faces of the clan heads had grown pale.

"And, finally...." Jiraiya stopped, taking a deep breath before pulling out one more scroll. He dropped his pack to the floor before laying the final scroll down with tender care. "Finally, Sarutobi Hiruzen, the Third Hokage."

"What?!" "No!" "That's imposs—"

Jiraiya punched a sparking ball of lightning straight through the conference table, sending splinters everywhere and shocking the clan heads into silence.

"I am pretty sure I said 'no interruptions.'"

Hyūga started to push himself to his feet, face suffused with rage, but Nara caught his arm. The clan leader looked down at his colleague, white eyes narrowing in anger; Nara released him and held up his hands in placation before calmly gesturing for him to sit. Hyūga paused, thinking about it, then nodded and grudgingly took his seat.

"Thank you," Jiraiya said, nodding to Nara and then to the other leaders. "It gets worse.

"We arrived in Noodle the morning of September 1st; Naruto's team set up a normal field camp near the water and began training. The rest of us took up ambush positions and waited for Mist to grace us with their presence.

"They attacked just after sunrise on the 2nd. Nara's estimates were almost spot on: twelve jōnin; Zabuza; Terumī Mei, one of their strongest ninja; and the Mizukage. They attacked from the sea, sending in a fog bank first to give them cover. The fog was thicker than the normal morning fog in that area but not so much so to draw attention if we hadn't been expecting it. Since we were expecting it, and since they sent it in slowly so as to seem unremarkable, we had time to prepare and were ready with the counter-ambush.

"Sarutobi-sensei engaged Yagura, I engaged Mei, Naruto engaged Zabuza, and our ANBU engaged their jōnin. In the ensuing battle we wiped out their jōnin force as well as Mei and Zabuza." He cleared his throat. "I didn't see what happened exactly, but when I finished with Mei I saw that Naruto had just killed Zabuza so I turned to help Sarutobi-sensei, who had taken a wound in his thigh and was having difficulty opening the distance. Before Naruto or I could reach him, Yagura...." He paused, clearing his throat and wiping at his eyes for a moment. "Yagura killed Sensei.

"It was at this point that we were attacked by Akatsuki, a group of S-rank missing-nin who work as mercenaries. They were all flying, most of them on what looked like dragons made of clay, almost certainly created by Deidara, their explosives expert. They had the sun behind them, so we didn't see them coming until they were on top of us."

He took a deep breath. "The first to reach us were mounted on a giant bird, clearly a summon of some sort. I did not recognize the leader, but the man behind him was Uchiha Itachi." There was a collective gasp and the leader of the Uchiha clan started to say something, probably something loud and angry, but Jiraiya's glare stopped everyone cold.

"Whoever the man with Uchiha was, he gestured—no hand seals, just a wave—and one of Naruto's clones came flying into the air, right into this man's hands. Uchiha used what I presume was some sort of genjutsu, then stabbed the clone to pop it. All of Naruto's clones immediately popped and the actual Naruto fell to the ground screaming."

"Two more of these ninja attacked Yagura. They rode one of the clay dragons; the one in front was Deidara, an S-rank ninja whose style focuses around explosive clay. He used truly shattering quantities of explosives for battlefield control while his partner jumped off and beat Yagura into the ground with the most insanely powerful display of taijutsu I have ever seen.

"Our ANBU were simultaneously attacked by a strike force of approximately two dozen chūnin-level opponents led by a pair of S-ranked weapons users. The first was Hoshigaki Kisame, a blue-skinned missing-nin from Mist with a sword as big as I am and some ridiculously effective water jutsu. His partner fought with a scythe and seemed utterly immune to harm...I saw Crane stick her sword right through the guy's heart and out his back without even slowing him down. She had tactical command of the ANBU squad and when she saw that her attack had done nothing she was smart enough to instruct Naruto's jōnin-sensei, who had been wounded already, to retreat in order to bring the news to Leaf.

"Meanwhile, I was being attacked by an S-rank puppet-user that I didn't recognize and one of my former students: Konan, a paper- and explosive-tag user. Former student or not, she had no problem trying to kill me.

"Those two kept me busy long enough that Itachi and his partner were able to scoop up Naruto and the two attacking Yagura were able to capture him. I wounded both of my opponents, but they retreated with their companions before I could finish them. I could have pursued using the skywalkers, but I knew I couldn't take on the entire group.

"I reviewed the battle site for any information; there was a limited amount but I will make it available to all of you once we finish here. I put the bodies of our dead in scrolls"—he snorted bitterly—"or, in several cases, their forehead protectors since that's all that was left. I then summoned a series of Toads for fast transport back to Leaf. Along the way I tracked and picked up Nakamura, who is now in the hospital and can be debriefed once the mednin are done with him. We arrived just before midnight and went straight to Hokage Tower, where I immediately sent messengers to summon all of you so that I could brief you.

"Now, here's what's going to happen next." He tossed the scroll that Isobe had given him to Nara, then pulled a storage seal out of his pocket and unsealed a hat.

Hazō couldn't stop himself from gasping at the sight of the hat. A wide-brimmed conical hat with bits of veil on the sides. A third of it was burned away and the rest was discolored, but it was without a doubt the Hokage's hat. Jiraiya put it on with a grim expression.

"That scroll"—he gestured to the one that Nara had now opened and was currently reading—"is the last will and testament of Sarutobi-sensei. In it he declares his desire that I succeed him as Hokage. I will be doing that. Leaf's resources—"

"Are you insane?!" snapped Inuzuka, bristling. "You come back from a mission where the Hokage and everyone else conveniently end up dead and say you're now Hokage? I don't think so!"

Jiraiya leaned forward, both hands on the table. Black fire washed out of his body, the scent of brimstone and the distant screams of the damned whispering on the air as his killing intent surged. "Say that again, Inuzuka," he said quietly, a feral smile spreading across his face. "Tell me to my face that you think I killed the closest thing to a father that I ever had. Tell me that I killed my godson, the last link I have to the student that I loved like a son. Say it, I dare you."

Inuzuka paled and leaned back in her seat.

"I don't believe you did that, Jiraiya," said Yamanaka calmly. "However, many people will think it and the doubt it brings will make it difficult for you to be effective as a leader."

"I honestly don't give a shit," Jiraiya said. "I'm taking the hat so that I can organize the search for Naruto. I'm sure as hell not trusting any of you to do it—half of you would be too busy empire building here in Leaf, the other half don't know shit about intelligence work, and there's no way I'm going to fuck around asking for permission to do things or requisitioning resources. Anyone who has a problem with it or with me can get out of the way or die, simple as that.

"Now, some other things that are going to happen. That lot there"—he tossed his head towards Hazō and the others—"are now my clan. I'm marrying Inoue Mari, the redhead, and adopting the rest. As of this minute they are Leaf nin with clean records and will be treated as such. All of you are going to say 'yes sir' and then sign the paperwork when Isobe brings it in."

It should have been impossible, but Hyūga's spine straightened even more and his face became even more frozen and contemptuous. "Jiraiya, I will not question your story—"

"Story?" Jiraiya asked dangerously.

"Fine, your report about how our Hokage died, nor will I question your loyalty to Leaf. I absolutely support your desire to track down Sarutobi's killers and the kidnappers of our jinchūriki, and I will gladly offer my clan's ninja to the effort. I will not, however, support inducting people into Leaf's forces who have already betrayed one village before this and threatened one of our senior doctors the last time they were here. Furthermore, if you actually believe this to be a good idea then I question your ability to lead. You are letting your feelings for this woman blind you to the dangers she brings."

Jiraiya studied the other man calmly, head cocked as though in curiosity. "Hiashi," he said at last. "You are a fucking prig, and you have always been a fucking prig. You are obstructionist and far too focused on your privileges and the good of your clan as opposed to the good of Leaf. Now, I've had a really shitty couple of days and I am just itching to kill something. So go ahead, get in my way. See how that works out for you."

Hyūga was on his feet, the veins around his eyes bulging as he activated his bloodline. "You traitorous—"

"He's right about one thing," Nara said calmly, leaning back and tapping his fingers together in thought.

Jiraiya and Hyūga both spun on him. "What are you/What do you—" they said together.

Nara waited for them to stumble to a halt. "You are both correct about certain things and incorrect about others," he said calmly. "Jiraiya, I do not believe that your feelings for Inoue are an issue, but Hyūga is correct that you are emotionally compromised." He gestured towards the smoking hole in front of the Hokage's seat as proof. Jiraiya had the grace to blush. "Hyūga, Jiraiya is correct that none of us have the experience to run an espionage effort of this magnitude."

"Don't manage me, Nara," Hyūga said coldly. "You could do this in your sleep."

"But I won't," Nara said. "I will support Jiraiya. He has the contacts and the experience. Instead of fighting with him I will devote my efforts to keeping him reined in so he doesn't go rampaging around the village threatening clan leaders and destroying buildings."

Jiraiya's blush got deeper.

"Now," Nara continued, "despite Jiraiya's undeserved slander, I know that the Hyūga are some of the strongest champions of Leaf. He's not wrong that you can be too formal sometimes. For example, I am aware of several merchant families who prefer not to trade with the Hyūga because the merchants in question lack formal education and trading with you makes them feel inadequate. They may be uncouth, but I estimate that driving them off has cost your clan roughly eight percent of its potential income for the last six years. If it would be helpful then I would be happy to offer my services as a consultant, and introductions to the families in question, once we have settled this current issue."

For the first time, Nara sat up in his chair, his gaze sharpening as he looked around the table "Make no mistake," he said. "We face an existential threat to Leaf. When—not if, when—word gets out that our Hokage and ANBU were slaughtered and our jinchūriki taken, Leaf will be the laughingstock of the Elemental Nations. Leaf is powerful, but the perception of our power was based in large part on the knowledge that we controlled the Nine Tails and that our leader was the God of Shinobi. Sarutobi was respected and feared throughout the Nations. He was both charismatic and wise; our favored trading status with River is based in large part on personal relationships that he built. With him gone there will be a great deal of uncertainty as people wait to see who the new regime will be and if we will have a smooth transition of power or if we will break down into petty squabbling." He shot pointed looks back and forth between Jiraiya and Hyūga; both men had the self-awareness to look away. Nara paused to make sure that he'd driven the point home, then continued.

"When I say this is an existential threat, that isn't idle speculation. Thirteen years ago the Nine Tails destroyed eleven percent of the city and the Fourth Hokage died stopping it. Our trade plummeted for three months and did not return to its former levels for three years. In large part that recovery was due to the speed with which the Third Hokage came out of retirement to take up the office again after the Fourth's death, and the amount of time that he spent on diplomacy thereafter. I don't know if you recall, but Sarutobi was only in Konoha for fifty-two of the four hundred days after taking office. The rest of the time he was traveling to our allied nations and some of the neutrals, rebuilding our relationships and reassuring everyone that we were still strong enough to make a reliable trading partner.

"Losing the Third is going to be a disaster for us. Civilian families are going to feel unsafe; they will begin migrating to other villages, taking their labor and economic resources with them. And no, Manaka, clamping down and preventing them from leaving will only make the situation worse. We need their loyalty, and that cannot be gained with a stick." The Inuzuka clan head sank back into her chair with a disgruntled look.

"We desperately need to show ourselves still strong; we need to find these cloaked ninja, kill them, and recover Naruto. We need to do it soon, and we need to present a united front while doing it so that foreign nations will not believe they can drive wedges between us and pry Leaf apart.

"Now, my suggestion is this: Jiraiya, you will serve as Hokage for the next three months. By the end of three months we will either have dealt with our enemies and retrieved Naruto or we will need to face the fact that he is beyond our reach and turn our efforts to preventing Leaf from bleeding to death slowly. In either case, at the end of three months you will agree to step down in favor of the candidate selected by the Councils...which might be you, depending on how your time in office goes.

"For the duration of those three months, the Nara are completely at your disposal. You may draw on our treasury, have unfettered access to our library, and use whatever other resources we can offer. I will make available whatever ninja or civilian operatives you need, even if it means shutting down our internal projects. Leaf needs us, and the Nara will answer the call."

"As will the Inuzuka!" Inuzuka said, leaning forward intently. "I can have a tracking team ready to leave in an hour. Those bastards might have been flying but you said the leader was on a summon bird. Summons don't last long on the Human Path, so they will have landed at least briefly. Chances are that they didn't land too far from where you fought them, either. In order to come out of the sun with such precise timing they must have been watching, probably for hours. They would need to re-summon their mounts, and that means touching down. With a little luck we might be able to find the spot and get some leads. People from different countries often smell slightly similar—regional foods and cooking styles affect body odor. If we can find their spoor it might narrow our search a little."

"Thank you, Manaka," Jiraiya said gratefully. He swallowed, scrubbing a hand across his face, then looked around the table, ending with Hyūga. "I apologize to all of you, and most especially to you, Hyūga. My behavior was inappropriate and unprofessional." Without moving from the Hokage's chair he offered a deep bow.

Hyūga's face worked in something that might have been called discomfort had it appeared on anyone else's face. "Granted," he said. "The death of family can render anyone...off balance. I am truly sorry for your loss, Jiraiya."

"The Yamanaka will also make ourselves fully available," offered their clan head. "I can send a team of jōnin mindwalkers with the Inuzuka tracking team. Our targets were arrogant enough to interject themselves into a battle between multiple S-rank ninja. It's possible that they won't feel the need to avoid overflying civilian villages, or that they simply won't be aware of them. My people can mindprobe the population of any village nearby; perhaps we can track them through ground-based sightings. If so, it will give the Inuzuka a smaller search area for tracking." He nodded to his wild-haired colleague; she flashed him a feral grin in return.

"The Hyūga also stand ready," said the white-eyed clan leader. "Wherever you need our eyes, we will be there. Furthermore, I have the strongest, longest-ranged Byakugan in my clan; I will personally go wherever I can be of best service to Leaf."

One by one the other clans spoke up, volunteering whatever resources they had. The earlier tension and anger transmuted, changing like magic to become enthusiasm and a hunger for revenge against their common enemy.

Eventually a natural pause fell in the conversation and Jiraiya stood up. "Gentlemen and ladies," he said, raising the sake cup that sat in front of him, "A toast is required. To the memory of our fallen and the promise of vengeance."

"The memory of our fallen and the promise of vengeance," chorused the Clan Council of The Village Hidden in the Leaves, draining their drinks in one swallow and then slamming their cups face down on the table.

Before the sound of the impacts had passed there was a knock on the door and Isobe slipped in with a sheaf of papers.

"Good evening, councillors," he said. "I believe there was something about a clan formation, and a wedding...?"

o-o-o-o

With the Council's sudden desire to be helpful it took just under nine minutes to grant citizenship and full pardons to a group of missing-nin, get the Hokage married, and form a clan. At which point Yamanaka Inoichi spoke up.

"Jiraiya, go to bed. You're too exhausted to think straight. We're going to need your brain working properly tomorrow so we can start mobilizing the intelligence service. For now, we've got this. Go home and don't come back until you've slept for nine or ten hours and eaten something."

"You're sending him off to bed with his very pretty new wife and expecting him to sleep?" Inuzuka said with a sly grin. "Inoichi, how long have you been married again?"

"Very funny," Jiraiya said, pushing himself to his feet and catching himself on the table when he swayed. "I think I'll take you up on the suggestion, Inoichi." He looked over at his very carefully calm and self-effacing new wife. "Hot as you are, my love, I'm going to sleep."

"Yes, you are," Mari-sensei said. "Yamanaka's right: as tired as you are, you're no good to Leaf." She grinned. "And probably not much good to me, either."

Inuzuka barked an approving laugh; the Akimichi, Yamanaka, and one of the minor clans joined in. Even the Hyūga unbent enough to smile slightly. Only the Aburame clan head remained stone-faced, looking back and forth between the exhausted Hokage and his new wife with calm curiosity.

Jiraiya snorted faintly. "Married ten minutes and she's already picking on me," he muttered before nodding to the gathered councillors. "Fine. I'm going to bed. I'll see you all in the morning."

"I expect to see at least one hickey on him, girlie!" called the Inuzuka clan head. Mari-sensei flashed her a smile and looped her arm through Jiraiya's as he and the team shuffled out.

Hazō waited until the door had closed behind them before letting out the breath he'd been holding. "For a minute there I was afraid you were all going to start fighting," he said.

Jiraiya snorted, one hand automatically reaching up to straighten the now-asymmetric hat. "Fireworks aren't over. One more stop before I can finally fall into bed. Come on."

The team followed him down the hall to the Hokage's office, Isobe trailing behind. Stepping inside brought a flood of memories back for Hazō; the feel of Sarutobi Hiruzen, Third Hokage, God of Shinobi like an oak tree at his desk. The friendships they had built with the heirs of the famous Ino-Shika-Cho alliance. The happiness and relaxation Kagome-sensei had shown in the library. The terror of the killbox. It had all started h—

What the hells was Akane doing here?!

The green-clad genin stood at attention in front of the Hokage's desk. Beside her stood Minami, the chūnin who had been escorting the team around.

Jiraiya slouched around the desk and into the Hokage's age-polished leather chair. He shuffled through a stack of papers that had been placed neatly in the center of the desk.

"Nara was running interference for me in there, but he wasn't wrong about any of it," he said without preamble. "The next few weeks are going to suck; I let my temper get away from me and pooched it with the clans. Nara got a lot of that good will back for me, but that sense of unity will fade once they leave the room. I'm going to need to do some serious fence repair." He looked at Mari-sensei. "Best way to do that is for my charming and lovely wife to go make friends with all the clan leaders' wives. It'll also help you integrate into Leaf and become accepted."

Mari-sensei nodded seriously. "I'll need a briefing on the wives. Favorite foods, hobbies, family histories, that sort of thing."

"Here you are," Isobe said, pulling a fat folder from the stack he was carrying. "Standard intelligence briefing for hostile-territory infiltration mission, except the targets are our own people. Makes it a lot easier to gather the intel."

One corner of Mari-sensei's mouth twitched for a moment. She took the folder and glanced at the first few pages. "This is good. Thanks."

Jiraiya nodded, clearly checking off a box on a mental list. "Right. Moving on. My next problem is that I've got a whole lot of clanspeople who want to be seen as helpful but are still out for their own interests first and foremost. They're going to be angling to set me up to look bad so that at the end of three months they can kick me out." Keiko cocked her head and started to say something; Jiraiya waved her to silence. "No, they won't do anything that would be visible outside of Leaf or that they think might compromise the mission. They want revenge as much as I do. Still, I don't trust them in general, and I definitely don't trust them with my network. If for no other reason than most of them have zero experience with undercover work."

He pulled a sheaf of papers out from the stack on the desk. "That's where you lot come in," he said, holding the papers out to Minami. "Hazō, Noburi, Keiko, Kagome—I need you out of the city for a couple weeks so the Council can't use you against me. Out of sight, out of mind sort of thing. I also trust you, which is more than I can say for a lot of people in that room back there.

"So, here's the deal. I need these messages delivered to agents in my network, and I need it done as fast as humanly possible. Try not to blow their cover, but I care more about speed than secrecy right now. At each stop pass off the message scroll to the senior agent on site and check if they have messages to add to the stack or if they need short-term muscle. You are not, I say again not, under their orders. You will make your own judgements about what jobs to assist with and what order to deliver messages in, although I want you to start off heading southwest towards River and then go counterclockwise around the EN.

"Minami, you have formal command. I will note that you are taking over what is already a skilled and tight-knit squad. They each have their specialties, and I strongly suggest you listen to them. In particular, Keiko's bloodline makes her an analytical genius on the order of the Nara. Factor that in when you're making plans. Hazō here is young and inexperienced but terrifyingly creative. Kagome is an expert at security systems and reducing things to a fine red mist. Noburi and Ishihara are both excellent diplomats, albeit in different ways, and I encourage you to make use of them in that role. In addition, Noburi's bloodline allows him to transfer chakra by way of the water in his barrel. Make use of that to increase the team's endurance.

"You can have two hours to gather your gear, read each other in on your abilities, and do whatever prep you need, but you will leave tonight. All the codes and recognition signs you'll need are in the packet." He turned to Akane. "Ishihara, your parents can be told that you're in the field for a few weeks. You are not to tell them anything else about this situation. Understood?"

"Yes, sir!"

"Good. Any questions?" He paused while the team looked back and forth uncertainly.