As I slumped my way to camp, I decided it was missing one key feature. A fire, my soggy and wet ass may not be freezing to death, but I was still uncomfortable. I set about making a ring of stones and finding the driest wood I could. Some of the drift wood high on the banks seemed adequate. Using some of the dead brush I had cleared up yesterday I went to try to make a fire. My knife which I had left beside me before I went to sleep last night was still waiting for me.
I kept an eye out for the little spiders that had encased me but didn’t see any evidence of them. They dispersed rather quickly I supposed. I did find a torn silk cocoon on the branch I was laying one, their tiny little birthing chamber. The silk was very fine and soft to the touch, I set it aside for the joy of loot and dug the stone flint out of my bag. Pest gave me a disapproving look when I opened up his nest and a few light bites to fend off my seeking hand but otherwise ignored me.
I didn’t even have the energy to debase him of the future idea of laying teeth on me. And I was in his house, I guess. The rucksack ownership had clearly passed in a property deal I was unaware of.
Being in the boy scouts and of a rural upbringing, I was aware of how this object was supposed to start fires. However, being of a redneck rural upbringing I didn’t have enough gasoline to do it properly. I fumbled a little bit.
I started by making a little hut of dry wooden sticks and stuffing some loose bits and long dead brush inside it. It looked about right. Pest, having decided I was doing something interesting, came over to snuff at my little constructions.
‘What?’ he asked as he nosed his way through it and collapsed my little house. I sighed and picked him up, setting him to the side.
“I’m making a fire, leave it alone.” I informed him as I built the little construction again. He stood atop one of the stones in the ring and stared at me.
‘What?’ He asked again.
“Just wait and watch little buddy,” I soothed him. I could feel the tickle in my mind through our bond. It felt impatient. Ferrets didn't do ‘wait’ well.
After I rebuilt the fire wood structure I brought out and positioned myself with the knife and flint. Pest creeped closer and got right next to my hands sniffing at my tools. Just before he could creep any more forward, I pulled the knife across the stone and brought up a delightful little shower of sparks. He reared back and flailed at the air.
“Kills it!” He screamed as he skittered backwards.
I chortled and struck the flint again. A rain of sparks came out and showered the tinder without causing any discernible progress. I violently struck the stone more times in short order. Just as I thought I saw some smoke I accidentally pushed too hard and punched my little firewood cabin. Sticks went flying.
‘Yay!’ Pest announced joyfully and jumped into the ruined pile sniffing at it.
Apparently, I had killed the spark beast to his satisfaction.
I grumbled as I reset again. I had a feeling that I was doing it wrong and repositioned my technique. This time I dragged the flint across the knife towards myself causing the sparks to be a little more condensed and reducing my risk of causing destruction to my little house. The sparks showered down in a constant rain as I vigorously sawed the flint back and forth. A small flame abruptly leapt up and I backed off quickly before stuffing some more tinder into it. The fire quickly took place and before I knew it, I was feeding a merry little blaze with whatever looked like it might burn. Pest danced around the fire menacingly like he might charge into it. I concocted a mental plan to pitch him into the river if he decided to make through with his threats.
I stripped my clothes off and laid them out on some large rocks that were close to the fire and did a little dance around the fire myself. Might as well let out some caveman urges when you get a chance.
[Congratulations! You have unlocked the Pyromaniac skill!]
I laughed a little too shrilly at the skill I unlocked before clicking through to the description.
[Pyromaniac]
Unlock Conditions - Purposefully set something on fire.
[lvl 1] - You can start a small fire easily with basic tools.
[lvl 3] - You can start a small fire easily with basic tools, even in poor conditions.
[lvl 6] - You can start a large fire easily with basic tools, even in poor conditions.
[lvl 9] - You can start a large fire without tools in any conditions. THE LIGHTS FLICKER SO PRETTY!
I pondered this skill for a moment. Does that mean I could eventually start a fire with magic? Just summon flame to do my bidding? Furthermore, I could already do the basic level 1 skill, what exactly did it help me with?
I took a small amount of the brush I was using as tinder and held my tools. I focused on wanting to start a fire. Without needing to strike the flint a small fire manifested itself. I was enthralled. Using my magic talisman of flint and knife I had just summoned a tiny fire. This needed further experimentation! I put out a few more fluffs of tinder to play with. I tried to start the fire with a flint and knife set on the ground in front of me. No go. I tried it while holding the flint and knife in one hand. It lit. I tried it with flint in hand and knife sheathed, no go. With flint and knife bound and, in my hands, it lit. After trying all sorts of variations and methods I determined I could light it as long as the tools were in at least one hand in some manner, even if they were in a bag. Eventually I took a rock and smashed the flint, breaking off a small chunk. I used my leatherworking skill and a piece of leather scrap I still had to make a handle cover for my knife. I slid a sliver of broken off flint inside of it. Now with just a knife I could light the tiny flame.
By the time I was done, the main fire was coming to a simmer and half a dozen, if not more, tiny little fires and burnt out tinder fluffs scattered the area around it. Pyromaniac indeed. Heh
Checking my Pyromaniac skill progress, curious how much experience lighting so many little fires would get me was quite disappointing. Each activation was maybe half a percent, so a thousand activations for one level?
[Skill Progress: Pyromaniac: 3%]
Well, I didn’t have anything better to do for the afternoon, did I? I started lighting fire after fire. Only cackling a little madly. Maybe the mania that gripped me was an untold skill effect, or maybe the delight in bringing the dancing lights of fires to life was always with me. I would never know. What I did notice was that after a few more births of tiny flames I was exhausted all of a sudden. Like the energy just drained out of me. A few notifications popped but I didn’t even notice, sleep overtaking me.
[Congratulations! You survived the night! Welcome to a new day in the afterlife. As with all Norse afterlives, you spent all day fighting, pillaging, and plundering. Some lived, and some died. But all those lives lost are returned, to pillage and plunder again until the Ragnarok decides to come and create the cycle again.]
I groaned like an indignant teenager as the blue son of a bitch lit my morning. I slammed the confirmation as hard as I mentally could and rolled over rubbing my face. I found myself lying naked on the dirt, soot covered most of my hands. A ring of tiny burnt out fires surrounded me.
The little pink nose of Pest was poking out of his nest bag as he stared at me.
“Don’t judge me.” I commanded him as he disappeared back into the bag. I was starving, just realizing that I had gone all of yesterday without eating. My body felt fine and refreshed following the nightly respawn, but I was hungry. Ugh! I’m not sure if it was mental or physical hunger, but it was powerful.
The nagging light of waiting notifications had been blinking steadily so I obliged.
[Warning! You are exhausted! This happens when you use up most of your energy! You must rest to replenish your energy!]
[Warning! You have passed your energy reserve, you are unconscious, you will not wake until morning!]
[Achievement Unlocked - Rest When You’re Dead]
[You have completely exhausted yourself to incapacitation using a skill, talent, or magic! Hope you weren't swimming!]
[Rest When You're Dead - Benefit] Energy reserve slightly increased.
[Achievement Unlocked - Luck of The Dead Tired]
[After being incapacitated you, against the odds, still survived the night! You lucky devil!]
[Luck Of the Dead Tired - Benefit] +1% Luck
Energy reserves huh? I must have finally bumped into the System’s invisible stat for magic and skill use. Makes sense, I was creating tiny fires out of nothing, the energy had to come from somewhere. And it made sense there was a limit, else I could just keep causing fires until I burnt down the world. Or leveled it up in like a day. Everything has to have a fun limiter after all, right? The achievements were a nice addition.
Crossing boundaries seemed to be where Loki’s System took notice of you. I’d have to keep it up to earn more rewards. A slight one percent increase may not look like much, but every little bit would add up and help. I didn’t know my energy reserve numbers but I did know my luck score. One percent of eight wasn't much, point zero eight, if I guessed correctly, but it was better than zero. I hoped the System rounded in my favor.
I needed to eat something, but after staring at my hands for a moment, cleaning up became top priority. How lucky I had a nice clear river just here.
After a quick dip, I came back to collect my clothes. Caveman Viktor was ready to be Civilized Viktor again. I froze as I reached down to pick up my shirt. A big fuck-off snake was dangled across my clothes as they sat on their drying rocks. But it didn’t look well. I’m pretty sure snakes are supposed to have a head.
I looked all around until I noticed little Pest staring at me again.
“For me?” I asked him.
‘For business.’ He responded and I raised an eyebrow. Were we a shop now, selling all the best of the forest? Only natural hand/paw made products? A business? Isn’t that what you called a group of ferrets? A Busyness? I smiled. He provided for the pack. And that was me.
“Thank you, little buddy.” I felt touched. Nothing meant an animal loved you more than sharing food. I picked up the snake. It was sizable compared to the little guy.
“And damn fine kill.” I added with a nod in his direction.
After getting dressed, I addressed the snake. It was an arm span long and decently thick. I didn’t know how to dress one, but I couldn’t imagine it was much different than a fish. Which I had done probably six times in my whole life. I won’t go into details for sake of the squeamish, but to sum it up, with some trial, error, cursing, and another wash I had myself a snake skin, a meat tube, and a small pile of offal. It was interesting to see the snakes last meal was still in its stomach. Looked like some small rodent. A hamster perhaps. I thought that was odd, never having seen a hamster in the wild. I wanted to keep that, maybe I could use it as fishing bait or fertilizer or something. The act earned me another set of achievements which I was very appreciative of.
[Congratulations! You have unlocked the Skinning skill!]
[Congratulations! You have unlocked the Butchering skill!]
I hoped that these skills would trigger like the others and let me skip the messy bits of the processes. Not to mention the time consumption. As a rookie, it took me a decent amount of time to skin and gut the snake.
This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.
[Skinning]
Unlock Conditions - Remove the epidermis from an animal.
[lvl 1] - Slowly skin an animal, separating useful portions.
[lvl 3] - Quickly skin an animal, separating useful portions, and gain better quality parts sometimes.
[lvl 6] - Very quickly skin an animal, separating more useful portions, and gain premium quality parts most of the time.
[lvl 9] - Instantly skin an animal, separating twice as many portions, and gain perfect quality parts every time. EVERYTHING CAN BE USED, NO PARTS WASTED!
[Butchering]
Unlock Conditions - Process an animal carcass into portions of meat.
[lvl 1] - Slowly divide a carcass into cuts of meat.
[lvl 3] - Quickly divide a carcass into cuts of meat, bones, and fats.
[lvl 6] - Very quickly divide a carcass into premium cuts of meat, bones, and fats.
[lvl 9] - Instantly divide a carcass into cuts of meat, bones, and fats, ending up with twice as much as you should have. YOU WANT STEAKS OR CHOPS?
Well, it looked like I’d have to do lots of work to get to a place where I’d get to skip the messy bits. But hopefully I could auto-pilot through the process at least.
I relit the main campfire and got a small blaze going. It was a struggle pulling my eyes off the dancing flames, but I refused to go caveman again right now. Instead, I found some nice green sticks and made some snake kabobs to roast over the flames. As they cooked, I considered how to best store the offal so as to not attract predators. I hadn’t a clue so instead I just tossed it in the river. Maybe a little chum would please the local fish population. I had a dream of a tiny dock and fishing from the end of it off the edge of my camp.
I knew I needed to somehow dry the snake skin, so I put it on my clothes drying rock to soak up the sun and fire heat. I placed some rocks on it to keep it stretched and considered it a best effort at the moment. I know old tanneries used to use urine or something to treat the leathers and skins, but I had no idea how it was actually used, and I wasn’t about to piss on the snakeskin. Maybe the salinity or the urine? So maybe I needed to find salt, which was worth its weight in gold in ye olde days. Either way, the best I could do right now was rocks and sunshine.
When I came back to the fire, Pest had decided that the smell of the meat deserved inspection. He had knocked down one of the skewers and pulled it out of the fire. He seemed quite pleased with himself as he tore into the half raw snake flesh.
‘Yummmm,’ he said with his little eyes closed, smacking away at the snake bits. Adorable little savage. I let the pieces I intended to eat cook until very well done. Who the hell knew the safe temperature for a snake? I don’t recall it ever being on a food handlers permit. I made sure it was well done and no little snake borne parasites would be transferred to me.
I had always heard the cliche that snake tasted like chicken. But I'm pretty sure that was just some slogan gone wrong. It tasted more like fish. Fish shat out by a chicken. It was white inside of the char coating I had created, chewy and stringy. It was the worst cooking I have ever cooked. With that thought, as if to mock me, I got a notification.
[Congratulations! You have unlocked the Cooking skill!]
[Cooking]
Unlock Conditions - Cook a meal.
[lvl 1] - You can successfully cook something with common ingredients.
[lvl 3] - You can successfully cook something good with uncommon ingredients.
[lvl 6] - You can successfully cook something amazing with rare ingredients.
[lvl 9] - You can successfully cook something life changing with any ingredients. IT'S FINGER LICKIN’ GOOD!
The level 9 life-changing part of the skill tickled a memory. I once, on a vacation out of the country, ate something life changing. With my wife, after exploring for fifteen hours and twenty five thousand kilometers. Which I was told, was a lot. I don’t do kilometers. It was early in the morning, and we found this building that was half closed down and completely under construction. It was in the middle of a rocky flat expanse, nothing around as far as you could see. We entered through a door cordoned off by orange cones and had caution hanging from the top of it into a small open restaurant. It was very sparsely decorated with quant chairs and simple tables. I remember the walls being very white, while the windows all down one side were encased in plywood on the other side due to the construction. Nobody else was there except a tall blond woman waitress who spoke English with a thick accent. I had a hard time understanding her and had to ask her to repeat herself several times, but she told us the specials and I was intrigued. I asked her what the special tasted like and she had to ask the chef, being a vegan, she had never tried it. He said liver and onions, which I never tried either, so I just shrugged and ordered one. My wife ordered a vegan pizza.
What this woman brought me was a fine tender succulent group of mouth sized pieces of meat in a dark brown sauce. I can’t even remember what the sides were. Probably potatoes and broccoli. The meat was tender and delicious, seasoned with gods know what. I forced my wife to try it, and it was so good she put it on her little pizza.
That day a vegan waitress in a hidden restaurant served me one of the most delicious things I have ever eaten in my life, and it was a seal.
Ever since that day, when my family would go to the zoo my mouth would water seeing the little fuckers swim around their enclosure, and all I could dream of was clubbing them and taking them home for dinner.
That meal may not have drastically changed my life, but it would forever be a strong memory and reminder to go off the expected path to find amazing things.
This snake tasted nothing like it. It tasted like burnt fish asshole. I ate it anyway. Another life lesson. Eat the bad to make the good taste better.
***
Pest awoke to a screeching. It sounded like a dying rabbit. As he poked his head out, he noticed Chairmen Viktor flailing about. Pest approved, he was doing his morning calisthenics before another hard day of work. The business would prosper under such dedicated leadership. Suddenly the chairman bolted away from the nest and ran right off the side of the bank. With a large splash he was in the water and quickly washed away.
Pest watched him go. Part of Chairman Viktor’s business plan required the irregular dunking of the associates into the river. Pest frowned, he did NOT like that part of the chairman's strategy. Pest decided to go back to sleep for the moment, it was not time for his shift anyway.
Later, Pest awoke as he sensed the approach of the chairman. He slipped from his nest and sniffed at the surrounding terrain as he made his way to the bank edge. Proper business etiquette insisted on a thorough inspection of the facilities at all opportunities for continued efficiency. On the other side of the water Chairman Viktor was watching. After a proper look eye-to-eye, businessman-to-businessman, Pest decided it was time for him to start his shift.
He went on with his facility inspection for a continued time. Nothing was out of the ordinary there, so he continued into the forest beyond the barrier. A duo of trees had crushed a convenient path through the barrier, revealing all sorts of bugs and worms. He left them for now, a resource to be exploited at another time. He needed something bigger today, to supply for the business.
He would first check the den of the vile misanthrope that he had defeated yesterday. One had to be thorough when rooting out their corruption. They spread quickly and in number destroying profit margins greatly wherever they were. He would not allow it in his territory. At the den of the vile one, no further of its vile kin were present. Pest’s cleansing of the burrow was absolute. He felt pride in his work and hoped he would earn a stipend increase due to his diligent efforts.
However, when he searched the area where the corpse of the tainted one was left to rot, it was missing. Pest inspected the area thoroughly. A faint scent remained behind. It was another creature Pest was familiar with. A serpent of some sort. He could respect a serpent, their business model was usually to strike swiftly and accurately. A set of values that Pest himself shared.
But trespassers onto his territory were not acceptable. He would root out this serpent and conduct a negotiation of ownership. The serpent's path was easily followed as it wound its way around trees and under bushes. In a small clearing of the trees, just enough to let in some sun on a large stone, Pest found his prey. The rival was coiled atop a rock sunning itself, with a belly full of stolen property lulling him to sleep.
Pest knew the best way to deal with a rival that was caught napping. Decisive and quick steps brought him to the serpent quickly. He latched onto the serpent's neck and violently wrenched it. The snake was large, and not so easily broken, so it started thrashing and coiling its body in an attempt to break free. Pest yanked and twisted, chomping his jaws down as hard as he could. The snake was strong, but unfortunately for it, Pest knew where to bite to disable it. The negotiation ended after some deliberation, but the final victor was Pest.
[Rival Serpent falls in glorious battle to Pest!]
The auditor told him. The great auditor was always there for Pest, informing him of his accolades and accomplishments. It further informed him that one of his skills had progressed.
[Congratulations! Critical Strike has increased to Level 3!]
[Congratulations! You have gained one stat point to allocate!]
Pest released the serpent and considered the auditors words. Gaining a reward like this was rare, and only given to the best of business associates after a great personal victory in negotiations. The last time he was given this reward he was still amongst his mother and fathers business. He had chosen to be faster, quicker, seeing that a fast associate was a winning associate. He was still pleased with his speed and agility. And his strength was unmatched even against this large serpent. He decided to increase his Wits. A clever associate could use his other strengths to the best of their ability.
Pest examined the serpent. It was a strong and respectable rival sharing many business philosophies that he enjoyed himself. He might have considered leaving it to its own business had it not stolen his property. But he needed to dissuade that kind of behavior. He should leave a warning for any other businessmen that might have similar ideas. He had a new idea, his new Wits score bringing in ideas new and absurd to his mind. But absurd was good for business, absurd drew the wanted and drove off the unwanted.
He gnawed the head off the serpent, consuming some of his flesh in the effort. One couldn’t conduct their affairs if they were starved. He left the head on the rock and dragged the serpent back to the office. He put the serpent between two rocks in the office space that he planned to create a supply depot in.
He made his way back to the serpent's head. He was getting tired, this shift was a rough one. He grabbed hold of the head and climbed up a twisted tree that was on the edge of the clearing. The tree had been crushed when it was younger, so it had grown at a curve. Pest chose it because it was easy to climb. His body was made for holes, not treetops. But he had a plan. In the middle of the tree as high as he dared, he chewed off one of the limbs and gnawed it to a point. Positioning the serpent's head as best he could, he mounted it on the spiked limb. A new notification from the business auditor informed him that his macabre plan had achieved some results.
[Congratulations! You have unlocked the Negative Advertising skill!]
Pest enjoyed new abilities and skills, each one made him more profitable and increased his earning potential, so he immediately looked up what it was.
[Negative Advertising]
Unlock Conditions - Create a negative advertisement.
[lvl 1] - You can create an advertisement that will describe your competition's weaknesses to others.
Pest was pleased with his new skill. This would be an invaluable tool in dealing with competition. His business was more secure by the day.
As he was happily returning to the office, ready to end his shift, a loud splash and shouting that included his name was heard. He hustled towards the noise, it was close, just over the edge of the bank towards the river. He peeked over the bank to see Chairman Viktor laying in the mud staring up at him.
‘Pest! Here!’ He announced himself. Viktor showed him his thumb. Pest peered at it but saw nothing wrong. Foibles. He left the chairman to his labors and returned to the office, clocking out.
A short time later Pest was sleeping as his nest rumbled, the chairman had opened it only to stuff his hand in and start pawing through his private articles! Pest was incensed by the violation and put teeth on the chairman's skin. He would be reprimanded for such a breach in protocol! The chairman took the rebuke quietly and retreated from Pests home. Pest peered out at him as he fiddled with wood and bits. Curious as to what could be going on within the tiny structures the chairman built, Pest went to investigate.
‘What?’ Pest asked as he investigated the structure. As he tried to check the viability of its use, the little structure collapsed. It was unsound workmanship. Unsuitable for a nest or supply depot. The chairman extracted Pest from the ruins and set him down away from it.
“I’m making a fire, leave it alone.” Chairman Viktor informed Associate Pest.
‘What?’ Pest asked politely.
“Just wait and watch little buddy,” Chairman Viktor said.
Pest didn’t like to be kept out of business planning, he didn’t like it one bit. Chairman Viktor rebuilt the structure and then hunched up to it with some tools in his hands. Pest knew that they were tools, and tools helped the poor Chairman accomplish tasks that his unfortunately declawed hand, and defanged mouth could not do. It was sad to see a member of his business disabled in such a way, but Pest didn’t hold it against him, and was rather proud of the chairman for overcoming his insufficiencies in clever ways with the help of the tools. Then the tools exploded! It was something Pest had never seen before, and he thought it an attack from a rival! He went on the offensive, ready to strike out at any comer!
“Kill it!” He screamed and took a fighting stance, his professional decorum slipping. Chairman Viktor struck out with his tools more times, each time the sparks raged. Pest was concerned about the potency of the chairman's strikes, until suddenly he powered through and smashed the wooden structure into pieces. Debris rained down as the chairman's punch sent them flying.
‘Yay!’ Pest cheered on the chairman's victory!
The chairman must have taken his inadequate strikes against the obviously weak structure to heart as he grumpily rebuilt it. Pest had destroyed it quickly, but it had taken the chairman many strikes. As the chairman sat there focusing on his next effort Pest wordlessly cheered him on. Suddenly the chairman burst into motion, a shower of sparks coming from his hands as they rubbed together. The tiny little house he had built was suddenly burning, first small, then brighter and brighter!
He went to war stance out of pure pride in his chairman's success. He had safely negotiated with fire! He had used his skills as a shrewd and cunning executive and brought the submission of fire to the business. Did his limits know no bounds?!
Pest approached the fire to test its resolve. It would pop and jump but it did not waver at his war stance. It was a strong force and brought with it a delightful warmth. After some time of dancing, which the chairman joined him in after removing his business attire, he lay sprawled on the ground next to it. It was delightful. He dozed on and off as the chairman was busy with making many more tiny fires. Eventually the chairman slumped over exhausted.
Pest was getting concerned that the chairman was not taking enough business lunches. A good associate had to watch these things, a chairman's job was so busy sometimes they needed help caring for their own needs. Tomorrow he would provide the chairman with his recently won serpent as an investment strategy. You have to put into the business for it to grow after all. It was indeed a good day to be an associate, he thought as he fell asleep.