A raucous clattering downstairs woke me just before I was slammed by the blue screen of a new day. I cursed inwardly as I startled both times. Jump scares! A bane on the inventor of such tactics. Yelling and shouts downstairs travelling through the thin floor easily. Sounded like Tough Guy and his buddies were having a drunken all-nighter down there. I tried to roll over and ignore it, but they were too loud. Even rearranging Idunn’s furniture, it sounded like.
After a few minutes of grumbling about it, my inner father bear kicked in, and I got out of my bed. It was like the kids touched the thermostat and I could sense it with my dad-dar. I’d give them a stern glare and tell them to knock it the hell off. Damn brats.
I burst out the door and stomped down the stairs. I paused as I caught sight of the room.
They hadn’t just been having a raucous night and shoving match down here. It was a full-fledged war zone. Tables and benches were upended and shoved around, some of them pressed against the doorways like a barricade. I could hear pounding on the other side of the door, like an angry teenager trying to get into the bathroom in the morning.
Blood splattered the room at the bottom of the stairs as one of Tough Guy’s buddies lay face first in a pool of it. It reminded me of the time I saw a large Labrador retriever with cuts on its ears. It would shake its head over and over, coating everything around it in a surprising amount of blood. Everything around the corpse was sprayed with droplets of blood.
Idunn was bracing a table against the front door, with another one of the Norseman assisting him. They shouted in their language back and forth as the door pounded and slammed against them. The other two stood back-to-back in the center of the room, swords out and shields held tightly in preparation. But for what? I didn’t have to wait long to find out.
Suddenly a flicker of distortion, like you would see on satellite tv during a bad storm, tore the air at one of the walls. A small creature seemed to pull itself out of the wood where the distortion existed. It was short, the size of a child. It had a grey-green skin tone and wore a fur vest and skirt. Its head was disproportionately large and held large eyes with ears that resembled a fennec fox. The most disturbing feature was a wide mouth that split its head and showed ugly jagged teeth. A lot of teeth.
“Goblin?!” I said in surprise. I’m pretty sure they weren’t a Norse thing. I guess Loki wasn’t restricting his fantasy creatures to just his own mythological creations.
The goblin seemed to smile at the two who rounded on it and made a two man shield wall as they advanced on it hesitantly. Before they got within striking distance another distortion broke the wall behind them.
“Behind you!” I shouted out, but they ignored me and another little goblin glitched through the wall at a full sprint. This one held a long-sharpened bone and jammed it into the Norseman. The man shouted at and slammed his shield into it. It must have been empowered with a skill of some sort, because the goblin went flying to slam into the wall. As it made contact it glitched out again and phased right though the wall.
Great, these goblins have ID_NOCLIP.
I quickly called my report function.
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“Fucking hacker goblins!” I shouted at the System and bound down the stairs.
The stabbed man held a hand over the bloody gash in his back and Tough Guy took a sword swing at the goblin that had baited them, but it danced backwards through the wall cackling. His sword smashed into the wood of the wall and stuck for a second. It didn’t give even a little. So, it was the goblins that were glitching, not the wall, I figured. I stooped over the fallen Norseman.
He didn’t have a handy sword or axe for me to steal unfortunately, and his shield was missing. Like the little bastards had already looted him. I heard footsteps above me, and Oskar stood at the top of the stairs with his ever present spear.
“Give it to me and hide,” I yelled at him reaching my hand out for the weapon. He just stood there staring at me, until he flinched violently enough that he dropped the spear, and it clattered down the stairs. He reached down and grabbed his bleeding calf. Pest speedily plunked down the stairs. I scooped him up as he reached me and snagged the spear off the stairs.
“Megazord!” I yelled and put him on my shoulder. He stood and gripped my hair, assuming the position as well as he could without the rucksack to support him. His little claws dug into my scalp, but I didn’t care. At least I could feel he was there, and that was much safer than dancing around at my feet.
He pushed his bond at me, and this time it was different. Not the normal tickle of emotion or directionality, it was more open, and available to me. His powerful predator senses augmenting my own. I knew the environment around me, like the definition had sharpened. Movement registered more quickly. The scraping and banging at the door became more crips and clear. The stink of the corpse at my feet was more potent. I think he was lending me his predator senses.
A feeling behind me urged me to swing the spear around, a glitch goblin was there, ready to stab me in the back and I clocked him with the spear. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing with it, and just acted out of instinct. I had not stabbed or slashed with the stone head, but rather swung it like a bat and wacked him with it full on in the face. The force shoved him back out through the wall and smashed the spear into the wall hard enough to break the end off of it, leaving me with just a few feet of stick.
Next time I would need to use better wood.
Pest jolted as I twisted but clung on. I could smell the blood he was causing too well up under his claws. Stung like a bitch, but it was okay if he was okay.
I held my stick and made my way over to the other two who were back in the center of the room. I bumped into them as I backed away from the wall and Tough Guy merely grunted at me in annoyance before turning to look at his section of wall.
The Norseman who was helping Idunn suddenly shouted out and fell backwards, blood fountaining from his chest. A goblin hand poking through the table he was leaning against, it clutched at a bloody bone. Before it was able to pull back Idunn lashed out and struck at the hand with a large butcher knife he had been clutching. With a clatter the hand and bone-knife fell to the floor and a squealing could be heard from outside as the pounding on the door subsided.
“Nice one!” I encouraged Idunn. I dashed to the man on the floor and pressed onto his bleeding chest, putting pressure on the wound, but his vacant eyes already told me it was too late.
“What are these creatures, Chosen?!” Idunn asked me.
“Like I fucking know! They look like little glitch goblins or something!”
“Glitch Goblins?!” He demanded and I just shrugged at him.
Report, I commanded again.
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“Hey Loki! These god damn goblins are glitching through walls and cutting the shit out of people! Get your ass over here and fix this shit!” I shouted aloud. Idunn looking at me like I was a crazy man.
“This is not the best time to rile the trickster!” He reprimanded me.
“He can eat a bag of dicks!” I announced and that made him go a little pale.
The bait goblin chose that moment to show back up in front of Tough Guy but getting wise to their tricks his partner kept watch on his back. The goblin frowned and backed out quickly. The pounding on the door started back up again.
“How many of them are there?!” I asked.
“I don’t know, I saw a dozen or so outside when I got the door closed, but the cursed ones only seem to attack sporadically.”
“They must not all be glitching then.” I guessed. “Else they would have just all came in at once and over-whelmed us.” I reasoned. My Pest-sense was tingling, and I whirled around. The distortion stretched over the back wall of the inn, and four goblins entered at once. One was missing a hand, and another had a bloody face. So, I was right, only four of them could glitch.
They growled and hissed as they advanced on Tough Guy and his injured buddy. Each holding a long-sharpened bone as a weapon. Even the one with a missing hand had a weapon again, just in his off-hand now. I stepped over next to Tough Guy to offer my support, tightly gripping my stick in my hands like a samurai sword.
He just grunted again.
As we waited for them to make a move, the door behind us was suddenly assaulted and slammed open, bowling over Idunn as the table he had been bracing slammed him to the ground. A half dozen little goblins burst into the room. They all wore the little fur vests and skirts and had the same general appearance. Only differences that were minor, like scars or torn ears. They looked like a pack of feral dogs with the same parentage. Mashing their teeth and growling as saliva was sent everywhere, bumping and bouncing off each other in their forced restraint. Glancing behind me the four cheater goblins were grinning lasciviously, reveling in the torment before the kill.
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Report.
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[Misuse of this feature could result in administrative actions.]
“This is some straight up fucking cheating goblin bullshit.” I told the System with more control than I felt I possessed. When I submitted it, a new question appeared.
[This issue has been reported three times in quick succession. Do you wish to elevate the report to URGENT?]
[WARNING: Misuse of the URGENT feature could result in serious consequences if administration deems it necessary.]
The goblins restraint broke as I read the message, and they launched toward us.
“YES!” I screamed at the System and willed my confirmation just as I triggered Berserker. My scream became a bellow of outrage and I jumped at the goblin that was charging at me. He was a little surprised and staggered back, bowling into more of his pack. I swung my stick and smashed him in the face, he smashed back violently and the group he was leading tripped and reeled crashed down in a heap. I hit them with my stick and kicked and stomped on everything that moved.
It was like a goblin grape stomping festival. Pest still hung onto my head for dear life as I violently made the goblin wine. I slipped a little, as sandals were not the best footwear for such things.
Behind me a yell sounded out and I spun around to see the Tough Guy barrel into two of the glitch goblins as the injured Norseman swung at two more. Just as he was going to cleave one in two it glitched out of the building and I realized I made a mistake. There were more than four glitch goblins. There were at least five. A truly sneaky one burst out from behind a table that had been on its side pushed against the wall and stabbed a bone shard deep into the Norseman’s innards. He yelled out and fell as the other goblin and bait came back through the wall and stabbed into him.
I charged forward into a Bullrush and slammed into the sneaky bastard, he was close to the firepit so as I plowed into his diminutive frame we smashed over and fell into it. It was still burning, or recently relit. The little creature screamed and wailed as we tumbled in the flames. I didn’t feel it.
I had a moment of panic as I remembered Pest, but he wasn’t on my head anymore.
“Pest!” I shouted.
‘Here!’ He responded from under a mess of tables and benches.
“Good, stay there!” I nodded and used the goblin’s face as a handhold to get out of the fire pit. It was already dead. I wasn’t sure when Pest abandoned the Viktor-Pest fusion, but I am glad he did. I hadn’t even noticed when my senses went back to normal. The red rage still gripped me, and I didn’t have much more thought to spare for it.
I dashed for the two that were still gleefully stabbing the downed Norseman when something unfortunate happened. The fire did not seem to touch my flesh, but it had touched my shoes and clothes. The strap on my sandal gave out and sent me sprawling. I scrambled on the ground and ended up on my back as I slid up next to the body of the Norsemen. With a crazy cackle and burst of drool the closest glitch goblin raised its blade with two hands and brought it down to plunge into my chest.
I scrunched my eyes up and grit my teeth waiting for the inevitable.
It didn’t happen. I tried to open my eyes. It didn’t work. As a matter of fact, I couldn’t move at all. And I suddenly felt quite mellow. Knocked out of my adrenaline filled rage.
“Well well well, looks like you found some good fun…” A mocking voice filled the air.
“Loki?” I hazarded a guess.
“But of course!”
“Sorry, I can’t see, my eyes are closed.” I told him. He snapped his fingers, and I was in the idle position that he seemed to like to hang me in.
“We cannot have that. I am made to be gazed upon and adored.” He said smugly and preened, flicking out his blonde locks. He was wearing a black turtleneck and skinny jeans with white alligator skin shoes. I saw his LOKI belt buckle was holding up his tight pants. I’m pretty sure he was wearing a thumb ring.
This douche, I muttered internally.
“Can you unfreeze me this time, I promise I won’t do anything ill-advised.” I told him. He considered me with a squinted stare, still twirling a lock of hair around his finger.
“Fine. But no warnings.” He said in way of warning, and I regretted the unfreeze immediate. Normally when he unfroze the world, and I returned to function. It was like I was a puppet and my strings had been cut, my muscles all relaxed and unready to take the load. Some weird disconnect between my spirit and avatar. But this time it was that, as well as the shell shock of massive adrenal aftershock and god-knows what else. I vomited. Or tried to, all I produced with my dry heaving was pain and bile.
“I know, I know,” Loki said, “most mortals cannot gaze upon this without losing themselves in convulsions.” He gestured to himself and inspected his nails. The cuff of his turtleneck had a small embroidered horse on it.
Super douche, I kept inside as I tried to gather my shit.
“So, what is so wrong with my little goblins that requests an urgent report?” Loki asked with a dangerous lilt to the word urgent. He glanced around the room. “Other than that fall you took, it seems you are quite capable of dispatching them.”
“Are you shitting me?” I asked flippantly. “Those little fuckers over there are going through the walls!” I gestured at the four still standing.
“Yes, I generally imagine that is how people enter rooms,” Loki said with a glance at the door.
“No! Watch!” I went over to the glitch goblin that had been about to stab me. I kicked it violently towards the wall. Except it didn’t move even a little bit.
“Mother fucker!” I screamed as pain ravaged up my foot and I hopped around on the other one. Loki raised an eyebrow at me.
“Can you make the little son of a bitch move please?” I asked through gritted teeth as I held my foot. He did his finger snap thing, and the goblin went into idle pose.
I cursed under my breath and limped up to it and pushed on the goblin. It slumped over. I muttered some more and picked it up and dragged it over to the wall. I smashed its head into the wall a few times before dropping it.
“God damn it.” I said and rubbed a hand down my face. Which was a mistake. It smelled like goblin. Which wasn’t pleasant.
“No, thank you,” Loki replied.
“What,” I snapped.
“You said god damn it, I decline to damn it.”
I facepalmed again. Goblin stink once more infusing my face. I parted my fingers and glared out from between them.
“Can you like, control it to walk through the wall please?” I pleaded, holding on to my exasperation.
“Goblin 7C764F1, walk through the wall”, he said with mild amusement.
The goblin immediately got to its feet, squared itself against the wall and stepped through it. The distortion effect sparkled out around its outline as it went through.
I held up my palms and thrust them at the wall.
“Seeeeeeee!” I announced full of all the exasperation I had held in from earlier.
“Oh,” Loki said silently with wide eyes. “I do see.” He chuckled. “You got to work on your explanations Alpha Tester Viktor.”
I slumped down to the ground and leaned against the wall.
“Yea, yea. I suck at expressing complicated things sometimes. I know.” I muttered. He chuckled again and snapped his fingers. Goblin 7C764F1 reappeared in front of him and he tapped it. Opening up the rune-code void. I peeked over his shoulder, but it was all unintelligible to me. He hrm’d and hmm’d as he went to work, and I examined the frozen world around me. Idunn was digging his way out from under the table it looked like, or maybe he was raising a dying fist to the sky in a curse, I couldn’t tell. Pest was peeking my way from under a tipped over bench. His unreadable expression was the same as it always was. Tough Guy was mid sword swing on the one-handed goblin that was dancing back as the other goblin was about to hamstring him. I’m not sure how you could hamstring someone with a stabbing weapon. I didn’t notice an edge on their bone stabbers, but it was sure trying.
I sighed. What a shit-show. The little creatures weren’t difficult to defeat, I had stomped half a dozen to death in my rage, but with their clever tactics and cheat ability they were slowly picking the group off. I looked at my unbroken sandal. At least I could help Tough Guy. While Loki was busy doing his thing I went over and jammed my last sandal onto the end of the goblins bone knife. I couldn’t affect him because he was statue solid in the pause. But my sandal would render the attack he was going through to be ineffective. Might buy Tough Guy a second of time to deal with it.
I went back to watching Loki, he was just flicking down a long stretch of runes. Pretty with their blue glow, but boring. Oh Jesus, did I just say that the blue was pretty?! It was converting me! As I delt with my existential blue-loving crisis, Loki perked up.
“Ah-ha! It does not have a trigger collider for certain buildings activated!” he chuckled. “If you guys would have just waited upstairs, they would not have been able to come get you, because they would not have been able to stand on the floors.” He chuckled again and zipped the void closed.
“If he doesn’t have the right collider, then why couldn’t I shove him through the wall a minute ago?!”
“Reasons,” was all he said.
“I hate you,” I told him, and he only smiled more.
“We all hate the boss sometimes,” he said annoyingly. “But unfortunately for you, the boss loves a productive employee. And this was a nice catch! I will forgive you for summoning me urgently. Do not do that unless it is for real. I do not like being summoned. I do the summoning.” He said and snapped his fingers, Goblin 7C764F1 resumed its paused position.
“I have propagated the change to all the goblins. Huzzah! You have defeated the goblin hackers! Congratulations.”
“Do I get a pay raise?” I asked sarcastically.
“Nope!” He responded with glee. “Just more responsibilities.”
[Achievement Unlocked - Alpha Tester Tier 2]
[Congratulations! Due to outstanding work performance your Alpha Tester title has been upgraded to Tier 2]
[Congratulations! You have unlocked the Developer Inspect skill!]
“Wait, a developer skill? Inspect?” I asked, surprised.
“Yea, you can use it to look up basic information on objects in the world. To help you root out any other bugs.” He smiled. “You can use it however it is helpful for you. I do not care if you cheat a little bit.” He added with a wink. “It is not like it is a game changer, just small details.”
“Maybe not for you, but for me its epic. I don’t even understand half the skill descriptions I get. Even the descriptions for the level three, six, and nine skills are not that helpful.” I told him eagerly.
“What, you can see higher level skills?” he asked with a frown.
Oh shit, I revealed too much, but judging from his intent stare I wouldn’t be able to avoid a truthful answer.
“Uhm. Yea. I always have been able to. I figured it was because my alpha tester revealed hidden perks.” I answered honestly. He opened my rune-code space and scrolled through it. “I thought you knew, because I mentioned Berserker going all the way to eleven?”
“No,” he frowned and scrolled through the list. “I surmised that was just a one-off because the skill was malfunctioning.” He quickly found what he was looking for in my rune-code and closed it with a node. “There. I removed that benefit. Most skills are still very much in the alpha stage and need balance reworks. I would rather not have all the cats out of the bag in that area yet. It should be a decent trade off. A loss of some information, but a gain of others. Okay Senior Alpha Tester Viktor. Keep up the good work.” And without further ado, he snapped his fingers and fucked right off.
God damnit! I got too excited and lost a valuable tool in my arsenal! I could have done so much with that fore knowledge! Alpha changes or not. I didn’t have long to dwell on it though, because the world unpaused as soon as he left. I lashed out with a foot and kicked Goblin 7C764F1. He didn’t expect it and crashed into the wall behind him. I don’t think he expected that either.
I glanced over at Tough Guy who had finished his swing just as the bait goblin jumped back. Things happened quickly over there. Bait jumped back and didn’t pass through the wall, so he bounced forward and a reverse swing from Tough Guy cut his tiny head from his shoulders. The swing didn’t stop though and went all the way around to tag the hamstringing goblin in the chest. It was too busy staring at its ineffective weapon/sandal combination to dodge. Both goblins were down.
I turned back to my two foes. The one who had been continuing to stab the downed man just stared around itself, realizing that the tables had turned. It got up and bolted straight to the wall and with an audible crunch of bones, plowed into the wall and bounced off. It didn’t get back up. That left just 7C764F1. I picked up my stick.
“Batters up.” I said.