Paladina Diary #12

(transcribed from video log)

Notice anything different? I’m giving extra backer points to all the people who actually don’t notice. I just made backer points up and for the moment they’re completely useless, but maybe I can actually find a way to reward the backers who actually care about me. Not just backers. I need to find all the people who really care since I’ve failed at figuring it out so far.

If you didn’t notice, I moved the camera up a few inches. Normally you can see down to my elbows. There’s a lot I need to unpack in this diary and I’m not sure where to start exactly…

I’m going to be getting a breast reduction. As you’ve probably noticed I was pretty well endowed by whatever engorged little nature fairy handles all that junk. I’ve never been the most athletic person so it didn’t inconvenience me too much until now. There was always some back pain, but pretty much every job I’ve had put me in a desk chair eight hours a day anyway. Now that I need to swing swords and axes and run two miles a day for training, it’s time for a change. I can feel every warrior in my head get irritated when an otherwise perfect swing throws my body off balance.

I went to talk to Alpha Dog about possibly getting the cost of the operation covered by backer funds, since it will make me a lot more effective in the field. He told me that would not be a problem if I was willing to let Doc Donor do the operation in our medical room. I wasn’t sure at first, but I talked with the doctor and it seems like it won’t be much of a challenge for her. Even though money wasn’t an issue, Alpha Dog did raise a concern. He asked me if I was worried about the viewership I would lose. I didn’t see what he was driving at right away. When I said as much he brought out his computer and showed me some graphics he had that represented our popularity. Apparently three of the most common words searched along with my name are ‘tits’, ‘boobs’, and ‘rack’.

Needless to say I was extremely embarrassed to have my boss show me a bar graph depicting the relative ‘hotness’ levels of the female Backers as according to the internet. I don’t blame him for keeping such documents; it’s his job. I’m just disappointed that I don’t matter as much as I thought I did. I went and looked around on the web myself. Some of the things I found were extremely upsetting.

I did an experiment with my last diary. That was the first time I had the camera positioned higher like this, so you could not see below my neckline. I wore a sweater as well. Normally the viewership for my diaries is around 936,000 people. I started with that much on the last diary, but less than 322,000 watched until the end. I guess they realized they weren’t getting what they came to see.

Alpha Dog told me those numbers would likely drop some more. He estimated that if I get the operation it will end up reducing our donations by as much as 31,000 dollars a month. To his credit he left it at that. From what I’d heard about him from my few conversations with the western Backers, I’d assumed he’d try and talk me out of it. Maybe he just understands that we’re all trying to get comfortable in the Bay. The sooner we make big decisions here, the sooner it becomes home.

The surgery’s happening next week. The camera is staying this high. To those of you who stay in my audience, thank you for being adults. To those who will leave after this video, good riddance. I don’t need your money.

I also don’t need the validation that I used to. I don’t need the people I used to. Redacted has asked me for a divorce. Things have not gone well for us since Game Master changed me. He immediately felt left behind. In many ways he was. The move to the Bay took me so far that I would only be able to return home for a day or two every two weeks. That wasn’t the last straw though. The reduction was. He told me I couldn’t destroy the one thing he had to look forward to. When he said that it felt like someone wrapping barbed wire around my lungs. I did not know my breasts were integral to his affection. In the redacted years we were married he never said that. Here I was thinking he loved me. He loved that I worked. He loved that I carried his children. He loved all my most meaningless parts. He just loved my tinsel.

I agreed to devote my life to him, but the four others in my head did no such thing. They’re not concerned with his laundry. The knight in me even went so far as to slice up some of the older clothes he should’ve thrown away years ago. I’m committing to them now. I’m committing to the Backers. Sending Deckard to jail will be like a new wedding. The warriors and I will join for the rest of my life, and this time I’ll actually have a life. The commitment will matter more.

I’m lucky that my kids have been nothing but supportive. They’re both in college now, so they don’t need me around as much. I wish I could tell you more about them, but I know most of it will get redacted. I can admit now that they take after me. I don’t care if it’s impolite to say. Maybe if I continue to be lucky one of them might come to intern at the Bay.

That’s what has changed for me. How the rest of the team is coping with the Bay is more of a mixed bag. We had something of a blowout yesterday. Most of you have probably seen it by now, but Deckard somehow got a hold of one of our secrets. I guess he didn’t find it particularly useful, so he just released it onto the web and threatened that more were to come.

Act-of-Goddess and I were helping Salt Shaker move some replacement salt into her room when we got the news. Watching her repair her room was certainly a treat. She shaped each post of her bed herself from different-colored salts. They went from the floor to the ceiling and made the entire corner look like a cavern. Then she shaped perfect square tiles of salt to cover the floor. I can’t even begin to describe the salt crystal chandelier she built. I suppose I should give it a shot; it was like looking at two snowflakes crystallizing through each other.

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We were carrying a heavy lump of orange salt through her door when Alpha Dog barged in, waving a tablet around.

“Is this true?” he asked and tapped the screen violently about twenty times.

“I can’t see it,” Salt Shaker said with a grunt. He was blocking the spot where we were trying to put the salt down. Act-of-Goddess casually put a palm on his chest and moved him out of the way so we could set it down.

“Deckard says you’ve been dating Pawn,” Alpha Dog said to Salt Shaker, ignoring me and the goddess. Salt Shaker sighed and stared back.

“Crap,” she said.

“Oh my god it’s true!” he shouted. “What the hell? Do you have any idea how much a relationship in our ranks means money-wise? Do you? If you two are together, why isn’t he on the team anymore?

“That’s exactly why he’s not on the team,” Salt Shaker explained. “I didn’t want us to live together. Not yet anyway. I like him and I don’t want all these heroics pushing us together before we’re ready.”

“You salty cougar! You’re like fifteen years older than him!”

“Eleven. We’re both adults.”

“So you’re telling me I lost my unkillable man because of this? God! Why couldn’t he have been unlovable too! Or at least unscrewable!”

“You should probably just shut up and get out of my room,” Salt Shaker said plainly. Alpha Dog huffed and puffed for a while but eventually he shifted to a more professional tone.

“Do you know how Deckard found out about your relationship?”

“I have no idea,” Salt Shaker admitted. “My diaries have been the only communication with anyone outside the Bay in the last three days.”

“You haven’t sent anything to Pawn? I thought you were dating?”

“We are. I told him I’d call him when I got a free moment. I’ve been busy ordering all this salt and fixing this room.”

“Are you using a secure line when you call him?”

“I only use our encrypted wireless. Either Deckard has access to that or Pawn made a mistake and mentioned it to someone.”

“Yeah well I can’t yell at him because he’s not on the team anymore!”

“You can’t yell at me either, because I won’t stand for it. If you’re so worried about Deckard why don’t you try finding him instead of policing our lives? Give us a location and we’ll go take him down. Until then, get out.” Salt Shaker maneuvered him out of the room and shut the door in his face.

I have not had the pleasure of meeting Pawn yet, but he must like strong women. A couple of us have been whispering that perhaps Salt Shaker should be a co-leader of our team. I don’t think Orb would mind if she took his place since he rarely uses his authority anyway. We haven’t even talked to her about it yet though.

Something might need to change soon though since we’re not close to finding Deckard. We’ve tried to raid small clubs that were running Secret Shuffle tournaments, but we’ve only ever found squeaky bratty teens there. We’ve never even seen his super-powered henchmen. We confiscate the kids’ cards and destroy them, but that’s an empty gesture until we can find Deckard and the places where he keeps his data.

The game’s effects in the real world are becoming more noticeable. Four state senators resigned this week; we suspect it’s because somebody used their cards against them. There have been six more suicides that could be related as well. Alpha Dog keeps a few of the cards from every raid we do and picks them apart to try and identify where the card stock or ink comes from. Maybe that’ll get us some results soon.

There are probably less than 300,000 of you right now, but I’m sure that’s enough to leave a few questions.

Suemw336: Paladina I just found out that I’m in Secret Shuffle and I’m really scared some random guy is going to start calling me and making threats. I’m only a common card so I’m not worth much but I’m still really freaked out. Do you have any advice?

Don’t let them calculate your worth; that’s up to you. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. The best practical advice I can give you is to stay calm and hold tight. The sooner we can find Deckard and erase the proof he has for all these secrets, the sooner those cards become scribbled rumors. If anyone threatens you, send me a private message and I’ll personally show up and teach them a lesson. I’ll even let you pick which warrior gives them the spanking they deserve.

Cockysocks: Y r u guys ignoring all the good Deckard is doing? Internet leaks are a super good thing bcuz they stop the govmnt from keeping secrets from us. Some of those cards reveal major corrption in the highest levels of govmnt.

If Secret Shuffle reveals anything that should be public knowledge, I’m sure it will be coincidental. Deckard and the players groveling at his feet are in it for the money and the thrills, not the truth. If he’s a Robin Hood of secrets then I’m a rampaging lava shark.

DRSousa: I think maybe you can get the robo-racist to like you if you trick him with a paradox or something. I read that’s how you’re supposed to beat computers. So just tell him that the knight who lives in your head is a white person so he can’t be a racist to you. Have you tried that yet?

That’s an interesting thought. I don’t think he’s simple enough to fall for something like that but I’ll give it a mention next chance I get. Even if it works we would still need to find a way for him to accept Electric Eel and the other Backers of color.

I’ll call it a night. Next time you see me I might have a major weight off my shoulders.