Monkey Girl Diary #36
(transcribed from video log)
Hello backers. I am sorry I have missed lots of diaries. It is very good news that you decided to give us the money to keep going. Thank you. I am not sure if I am staying… Pawn is not back yet. His arm is still in the jar on my desk. Sometimes I leave the top off to see if it will move or come out. Nothing happens. I check outside every day to see if any white sand is near the Barn. Even Alpha dog look sad when he say to me to not worry. Plastron had armor and he still died. Pawn is not supposed to die but he is not back. Maybe it is me. Maybe I am covered in bad luck. What if they put a real bad luck thing in me with the monkey genes? It could be true. I do not know everything they did.
It might be a good time for me to go because we are getting a new Backer. Orb is coming. We did not have to get him a plane ride; he say he take care of that himself. We are supposed to meet him at the (redacted) beach in a few days. I guess he will come on a boat. He is a legend, so I can fade into the back and leave when he is here. Nobody will miss Monkey Girl when the super-marble-man is here. If Hostage was still here he could not even fit around Orb. He will not screw up and kill his own teammates.
If I go I will miss it here. We did some very good things last week and this week. Transplant, Impala, and me stopped a poacher in Africa. He was a rich American man and he was paying money under the tables to kill endangered animals. The Unfridgable Girl (love you girl!) found him after he put a picture on Connectera. You can see a rhino horn in the back of the picture. Some people thought that was odd so they took closer looks at everything he did.
He was an optomalogist… sorry. I will try again. Optometrist. That is a hard word. He was very popular until people saw his trophies. We do not arrest people, so we did not know how to stop him at first. We cannot follow people all the times. We needed proof so the police can hold him. That was when Impala made the mission for the three of us. It was a big decision, because we do not have a helicopter yet. We had to have the Dogfighter for two or three days. The rest of the team was stuck at the Barn until we came back.
Impala say to us to pack very light. She put all the food in the plane. Transplant only took a sleeping sack and a tiny bathroom kit. I did not know what to leave behind. I did not bring razor. Big screw-up. After many hours in the plane I was already kind of fuzzy. When we landed outside a preserve it was extremely hot and I was very itchy. There were lots of bugs all over us. I always thought my tail would be good for hitting bugs away but it did not work at all. My tail got bited most of all my body.
It started to get dark so we made a camp. The opto… metrist was there that day but I guess he did not want to hunt yet. We put up a tent instead of sleeping in the jet because it got very hot in there and we could not leave the air cooling running all night. We were not worried about dangerous animals because Transplant put up a fence of thorns around our tent. Even elephants would think again if they wanted to step on us! Transplant was a little worried because the last time he was in a tent that blob thing came to get him. It did not come this time though. We just talked most of the night. We did not get as much sleep as we should have. The savannah is very calming. The bugs don’t stop singing even when big animals walk by.
When I woke up I was a mess. Already it was hard to see my skin through the fur. Lucky for me it does not grow on my face or I would look like the wolf man! My whole body had bed-head though, and that is no fun. It makes you look like a sleepy pet more than a superhero.
We moved quietly after we found the poacher. Impala stayed back while I sneaked through the branches over him. Transplant can… glide? He moves softily through the branches… they just bend out of the way for him. The poacher was following some kind of deer… or is it antelopes? So many animal names. I will never get them all in my head. Whatever deeralope it was it had big black horns and it was just eating grass quietly. It was not bothering anybody but Mr. Poacher thought it should die anyway. I wondered if he feels bad when he shoots animals in the eye because he is supposed to heal eyes. Does he see exploded eyes when he looks at his patients?
He lifted his gun to shoot. I jumped down and kicked the barrel into the ground. Dirt exploded up and the sound of the shot ringed in my ears. The deeralope ran. A few more deeralopes we did not even see rised out of the bushes and ran too. Then there were other animals. I could not believe how many things were hiding! You will see in the videos. We were in the middle of stampede!
The eye doctor did not feel so manly anymore and he panicked. He shoot in all directions. Then he aimed at me! Maybe he thought I was a baboon because of all my fur, but baboons do not wear clothes so he does not have an excuse. Transplant dropped from the tree silently and wrapped him up in vines. The poacher started screaming and swearing at us. He say he had a permit but there is no such thing as a permit on a preserve. We checked to make sure. I rode the vines back into the tree as Transplant pulled him up just before a big black cow ran by. We had to wait a few minutes for all the animals to calm down before we could make it back to the Dogfighter. Then we made a copy of the videos our cameras took so the police could see him hunting in the wrong place. We left him with some preserve guards and the video.
By the time we got back it was on the news. They arrested him! It felt so good coming back because everyone else congratulated us. Golden Boy had baked some lasagna and made some big leafy salads. We even had some drinks. Do not worry; we never get drunk. Only a little tippy. Then we all watched a movie called (redacted). Archive say it was Wallflower’s favorite. It was okay. I didn’t like the part where (redacted), it was too (redacted)!
You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.
After the mini-party I say I needed to take a shower and get rid of all my fur, but Alpha Dog pulled me away to ask me something. He asked me if I could wait and not shave. I thought it was a really weird question. He say it was because we were having trouble raising the money Woman’s Touch took from us. He say he figured out a few ways to raise extra. Mini-goals for you to donate to.
He wanted me to wait and not shave so the backers could see me at my furriest. He say he thought you would really like to see it, like seeing a different side of me. I did not like the idea. I say that to him. His face got very serious and he say to me I should reconsider. Without the mini-goals we might not be able to work. He say that Golden Boy was already doing one; he was going to make a work-out video so other people could work-out like he does. That didn’t seem so bad. I say to Alpha Dog that it would be embarrassing. He say to me I only have to wait a week. I say no. He say five days. I say I don’t want to. He say four days. Then I say yes. I just wanted him to back away. I never waited so long to shave since I got out of the lab.
Then Alpha Dog was all smiley. He hugged me. He say to me he would do everything and I just needed to skip my diaries for a few days so you could not see me before the mini-goal was filled. I didn’t like that part either. I like talking to you. Many of you are very supporting. I say yes though so I had to wait. He wasn’t lying. He put a goal on the website the next day: See Monkey Girl at her wildest! Some of you put a lot of money in there. Archive say to me some strange things about the money though. Most of it from the mini-goal was given by eleven people. That’s not very many for that much money. Only a few of you really wanted to see it.
The next few days I just tried to ignore my fur. That is impossible when it starts needing a brush. There is plenty of static shocking me too. I hate it. Lucky for me, we had a few more missions to help me keep my mind away from it. I went with Transplant when he had to rescue some miners that were trapped underground. He made a tree into a drill, but he had to go so far below them that he needed to wear an oxygen tank to breathe! When everyone was safe he made the tree sprout over the cave-in and shaped it so it looked very pretty. I love how he always does that. It is like the world is a map and he is leaving little pins where we have helped people.
We rescued a few people lost at sea in the middle of a storm on Wednesday. The day after that we got an anomenous tip (I know that’s not the right word) about a man who exploded an office building a few years ago. They say he was hiding in a little town in New Hampshire, so we went and got him. He did not bother to fight us. Bad guys are starting to see they can’t win.
When the four days were over Alpha dog asked if I was ready. My fur was so long. My sideburns were down to my chin; it looked like a beard. I had annoying curls all over the back of my neck. It took a whole bottle of shampoo and a whole bottle of conditioner for me to keep everything tidy that morning. I was very ready to get it over with.
We were in the sitting room. He put a computer on the coffee table and say I should sit on the couch in front of it. He hit the button to start recording. I did not know what to say. I think I say something like, ‘Hello backers! I’m back. This is the furry me. I hope you like her because she won’t be around for long.’ Then I tried to smile. I thought that was all I had to do.
Then I heard a strange noise. Buzzing. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzr. It was coming from my right, but then I heard it on my left too. I did not even have time to look before both noises got very close. They were right in my ears. I felt metal on my cheeks. I couldn’t turn my head because if I did I would get cut. Alpha Dog was holding a pair of electric clippers. Golden Boy came in from the other side with clippers too and they were cutting my sideburns.
I didn’t know what to do. I did not want to be shaved on camera. My fur got all over my beautiful costume. There is still little hairs stuck in some of the stitches. I tried to keep smiling and not cry. My eyes were so hot.
Golden Boy and Alpha Dog were shouting and hooting; they were the ones acting like monkeys. Alpha Dog pulled on my arm fur and then slided his clippers under it. He cut me a tiny bit. I jump around and hang from the ceiling a lot, but I felt glued down while they did that. They are my friends; they are not supposed to do things like that. I don’t care how much money it is worth to some internet weirdos. I couldn’t look at the camera so I just stared at the growing pile of hair in my lap. They scraped the back of my neck with their blades. They cut higher than they were supposed to. That wasn’t my fur; it was my hair. It’s different. I don’t cut that like that.
I don’t know why I couldn’t say stop. Wallflower did it for me without even saying anything. She appeared from the air and pulled them off me. I couldn’t hold in the tears anymore. I cried out loud, jumped over the couch, and ran straight to my room. I didn’t even think about the pile of fur I dropped all over the carpet.
I locked my door, started the shower, made it so hot it burned a little, and then tried to fix what they did. I was in there a very long time. I could not hear much over the pounding water, but there was voices. Archive yelling. Golden Boy yelling. Alpha Dog yelling. Someone kicked some furniture I think.
When my hands were clean I sat in the shower and looked at them for a while. I even cut the fur I normally keep on them. I wanted to remember I am human. I looked at my white nails and my tan fingers. I grabbed my tweezers, dripping all over the floor when I got them, got back in the shower, and pulled every little hair on my knuckles.
I think you understand now why I maybe leave. It’s not your fault, so please do not be upset with me. I am not feeling very well so I will skip the questions tonight. Goodnight backers.
Swagglerock69: u dont get 2 skip me bitch. my 2 cents goes on evrything u losers do. u wanna remember your human? 2 bad. your a dirty animal. u belong in a cage. me and my pals will be right through the bars throing banana peels at u. u no what im gonna do now? im gonna find that audtion video where you’re panties r showing and im gonna spread it around. im gonna put you’re baboon ass all over 4 every1 to see.
You were arrested. How are you here?
Swagglerock69: i only got probation LOL. they couldn’t get me out of their fast enough cuz they had to make room 4 real crimimials. your not allowed to be rid of me. try and send me back, it wont work. u cant prove im the real Swagglerock69!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!