Golden Boy Diary #38

(transcribed from video log)

Hey guys. Okay, so… I’m sure you’ve heard that some nasty stuff went down a little while ago and I just want to do my best to explain how I got caught up in it. The first thing I want to say is that I’m very unhappy with the way it turned out and I’m doing everything I can to get it sorted out.

It all started with the stretch goals that Alpha Dog came up with after Woman’s Touch drained us. It wasn’t something that surprised any of us; he’s always looking for a gimmicky way to squeeze out more money. Most of the time I don’t mind. More money means we’re more prepared. He had me make a work out video. (One thing I don’t appreciate guys is all the comments saying that video is just soft core porn for ladies because I happen to be wearing a muscle shirt. Grow up a little bit.) Archive made one talking about what it’s like to read computer code while it’s… you know… coding or whatever. Impala has one measuring how high she can jump.

For some reason he decided to be a jackass to Monkey Girl about hers. He told her she needed to not shave for a while so you guys could see her at her most monkeyish. I had absolutely no idea she was not cool with it. When he asked me to help him make the video and cut some of her hair I assumed it had been cleared with her beforehand. If I’d had any idea at all I never would have participated and I would have been the first one to smack the clippers out of his hand. That’s basically what I did right after Wallflower stopped us. I sure am glad she’s always lurking in the corner.

Alpha Dog and I really had it out. I blew my top. I don’t think I’ve yelled at anybody like that for the last five years. The worst part was that he just ignored me at first while he fiddled around with the computer.

“What are you doing?’ I asked.

“Editing this,” he said like it was no big deal.

“You can’t put that up!” I shouted.

“Relax. I cut out her crying.”

“Can’t you tell she doesn’t want that up at all?”

“Too bad. She said yes. It’s already done.”

“You just posted it? After that? What the hell is wrong with you?”

“She’ll get over it. You want to keep being a hero? We need this money. Nobody else is going to admit the internet’s a great wriggling ball of flesh-starved imbecilic imps that’s only paying for a sideshow. We have to give ourselves to them. We have to admit we’re freaks and let them do their name-calling and their condescending. That’s how we get this done.”

Ventura ran around the corner and started barking at us. Alpha Dog smashed a button on his gauntlet and the dog dropped its head on the floor and went silent. He couldn’t do that to us though. Wallflower ran and got Archive while we did our shouting. Then Archive did some of her own. I had to defend myself and explain I was definitely not a part of it. That was pretty hard to do given the pile of fur on the carpet and all the little loose hairs on my arm.

When Impala got back she tore into him even worse. After having so many of us yell at him he eventually had to back down and slink away with his tail between his legs. When Archive wen to talk to Monkey Girl I asked her to apologize for me. I was pretty sure she didn’t want to see me right away. I think Archive offered to cut Monkey Girl’s hair and fix how we kind of screwed up the back of it. She’s pretty good with scissors because she can see all the layers of hair at once. When Monkey Girl finally came out she had a much neater cut.

I am lucky she accepted my apology. The only problem is that she wants to quit now. I’m doing everything I can to get her to stay, but she probably just sees me as a pair of grinning clippers. What stinks is that I’m actually a pretty good barber too… at least when I’m trying.

We were all hoping that Orb would help us refocus. That’s right. He got here today. We went to meet him at (redacted) beach. If it was before the shaving incident we probably would have made a day out of it and gone swimming or something, but it ended up being all business. We were all sweltering in our costumes under the sun. It was a pretty abandoned spot thanks to all the dead crabs everywhere. It stunk like the back of a cheap seafood place. Transplant didn’t even want to touch all the slimy piles of kelp. Guess he prefers the woods. (He managed to keep everybody cool. He was basically the only one that didn’t yell at Alpha Dog but it was pretty obvious he was disappointed.)

After about an hour I still couldn’t see a boat on the horizon. Monkey Girl and I convinced Transplant to touch the kelp long enough to make it into some smelly shade for us so we didn’t burn. I wanted to make a sand castle guys. I wanted to so badly. Nobody else was in the mood though. Sand probably reminds them of Pawn.

Something rose out of the water and rolled towards us; it was a large ball covered in fine green algae and mud. The algae fell away and out so it didn’t touch the man inside the ball. Orb was hovering in place with his legs crossed and his eyes closed. I didn’t think he’d be so old; he’s got to be at least sixty-five. Don’t get me wrong though, he looks as solid as a fence post.

He’s bald with a perfectly-trimmed little white beard. When he stood up I thought he was going to open his eyes and we’d see just white like Wallflower’s. But no. They were perfectly normal. Big and brown and placid.

“You must be the Justice Backers,” he said in pretty perfect English. “I am Orb.”

“Did… did you roll all the way across the ocean floor to get here?” Alpha Dog asked. It was what we were all wondering.

“Yes. I am famished. You didn’t happen to bring anything to eat did you?”

“No I don’t think so,” Alpha Dog started to say, but Monkey Girl interrupted him.

“I have a granola bar,” she said and dug it out of the small bag she’d brought. She walked up to him and handed the green wrapper over. Everyone stood around awkwardly while he slowly unwrapped it and chewed. He moaned about how good it was the whole time.

“How did you go that whole way without resting? Or breathing? Sir,” I asked. I kind of fumbled on what amount of respect to show. He does run a temple after all and I don’t know what you’re supposed to call someone like that.

“Peace of mind slows the heart,” he said. “You need less food, water, sleep, and air. My sphere is permeable enough to allow oxygen through, but not water. Even under the greatest pressure the Earth can muster.” Crazy wild.

“What did you see down there?” Transplant asked.

“There was no light to see by.”

“Then how did you find your way?”

“I set my mind to the destination. My instincts pulled me against the currents when they needed to. I did look at a picture of this beach on the internet,” he admitted.

Everyone else was practically scooping up sand their jaws had dropped so much. Not me. I get this guy. When he talks like that it sounds just like the knack. Maybe his powers are kind of like mine. Or the other way around I guess since he’s way older than me.

Alpha Dog presented him with his costume. He told us it’s sort of a traditional Indian robe thing with some modern touches. I saw it when it arrived with a bunch of merchandise a few days ago. It’s got a lot of orange and purple. After that they started talking about a lot of the details about life at the Barn while the rest of us just kind of hung around. Again I wished things had been the way they were before. We would’ve been playing tag with an invisible Wallflower always being it. That way you could only track her by her footprints in the sand. Wouldn’t that be fun? It’d be like real-life Beach Detective.

While the guys were talking about their favorite beaches I listened in on Orb, Alpha Dog, and Impala. Alpha Dog was a little peeved that Orb wasn’t going to be doing personal diaries. You should’ve heard Orb’s reason.

“I cannot discuss my mind with the average person,” he said. “They haven’t had the prerequisite training to understand thoughts of that level. I cannot risk letting some of the clues to enlightenment slip. It would be like leaving colorful poison in front of a child.” Everyone on this team is so unbelievably cool. When have you ever heard anyone say something that cool? That’s like the absolute zero of cool.

Alpha Dog looked like he wanted to convince Orb, but Impala kind of shut him down. With her doing the backer updates and the whole shaving thing, we’re starting to wonder if maybe she should just run things. He could still do all the technical stuff. It just feels weird because he keeps acting my age instead of his. You know I once heard him say that he only hired Impala as the other team leader because he thought nobody would fund a group led by a single white guy. He said she was a ‘double-header’ because she’s black and a woman. It makes me wonder if Pawn and I are the only ones he really wanted to hire in the first place and he just saw the rest of the team as diversity-stuffing.

If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

I shouldn’t say that. Eben means well. I know I’ve said the wrong thing a lot of times. We just need to hope that Monkey Girl decides to stay. If you guys talk to her at all make sure you tell her how much you’d miss her if she goes.

I’ve got to get going. Now that Orb has had a proper dinner we’re doing an evening training session with him. There have been some clues about Woman’s Touch floating around on the web, so things might come to a head soon. We need to be ready. I’ll talk to you guys tomorrow. Sorry, but the comments section is still under construction while we try and burn that Swagglerock guy out. Probation for all those counts. Can you believe it?

The following is an excerpt from the TI/preheroes forum on Thinkitch

Keystone: Finally we get a minute to talk without the LPs blabbing away.

SleeplessKnight: They do get on my nerves.

OldDominion: I know we’re not supposed to question people’s powers but I don’t think they’re for real. I think they’re like twelve and just had to move on to the lichen cuz they didn’t get their Hogwarts letter.

SleeplessKnight: Is it just me or do they always sound like… like they’re into the lichen. Like they want it to be their bf.

SacredQueen: Come on guys. We’re not here to badmouth other phs. Does anybody have any new ideas how we can reach 10K? We’re still like 3K away. The Backers are never going to bother looking at our applications if they’re not wrapped in some nice green paper.

GlacierGirl: I’m having second thoughts Becky. Do we even want to give them all that money? Did you read that new stuff about Alpha Dog? He seems like a big jerk. They won’t even be any good without Monkey Girl. We should just start our own team with the money.

SacredQueen: A couple thousand isn’t anywhere near enough for that. I don’t know about you but I don’t know anybody selling stealth planes and undocumented bunkers.

OldDominion: There are too many fakers in this forum anyway. If we start a team we’ll be drowning in them.

SacredQueen: That’s villain talk Dominion! If Kate’s a faker then you’re a faker. Then I’m a faker. We need to support each other.

SleeplessKnight: Let’s do whatever we’re going to do today. I’m super tired.

GlacierGirl: I thought you didn’t sleep?

SleeplessKnight: I don’t but I get tired. It really hurts sometimes. I just want to ZZZZZZ -_-

SacredQueen: Have you thought about going to the doctor Knight?

SleeplessKnight: It’s just my powers.

SacredQueen: If you have a health issue you should really go there first. We don’t want anything to happen to you.

SleeplessKnight: You just said to trust people Becky. It’s my POWERS. Nobody else has ever had this much trouble sleeping.

Analworms665: RAID!

Isitmybreath?: RAID!

SacredQueen: ?? Can we help you guys? This is the preheroes forum. I’m Becky and I’m the mod :).

GutterButter: RADI!

SwaggleRock69: this is a raid! feast you’re eyes on TI/backerbusters! were here 2 screw with any1 retarded enough 2 like the Justice Backers! come on in boys!

Spammich2020: losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers losers

OldDominion: Becky ban these guys.

MayorGimpy: RAID! Where’d we fall this time? What is all this shit… You guys think you have super powers? Your so retarded. Kill yourselves. With rusty old knives.

SacredQueen: I’m trying but they just keep switching their usernames. I don’t even know how many there are.

DiabetesD0nut: kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself

Swagglerock69: how many times I gotta say it? u cant ignore us. we run Thinkitch. we run everything bitch. y do u think Monkey Bitch is runnin scared? alpha dog did a harmless little prank and then she got hysterical or got the vapors or whaetevr u call that feminine shit these days. grils shouldnt try 2 b heros.

SacredQueen: You cannot succeed villain.

GlacierGirl: The Justice Backers are trying to make the world a better place. They will always be doing more to raise people up than you can to bring them down.

Pileofboots: U loosers know alpha dog and pawn r jews right? They’re only gonna do the fake “hero” thing for a few months and then they’ll sell the film rights to their jew friends in Hollywood and make two hundred quadrillion more dollars that way.

NomoAnita: jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews jews

Swagglerock69: u little prehero shits r just a bunch of fakers. i think im so special…. so i must b a superhero! hurrdurr. so much stupid i cant even handle it.

OldDominion: Even if we’re just a bunch of deluded adult children we’re still greater than you. We still want the world (and the internet) to be a safe place for EVERYONE.

GlacierGirl: You tell them Dominion!

164937436383: RAID! Have you wet yourself yet? Just checking…

CallofBooty: RAID!

SuckandSwallow69: You just got RAPED. You just got RAPED. You just got RAPED. You just got RAPED. You just got RAPED. You just got RAPED. You just got RAPED. You just got RAPED. You just got RAPED. You just got RAPED. You just got RAPED. You just got RAPED. You just got RAPED.

SacredQueen: We stand with the Backers! Phs, I just heard great news. Monkey Girl is staying! She said she needs to see Woman’s Touch brought down because that’s what heroes do. She’s going to fight for Pawn and for us. That’s what we do too. You have no power here Swaggle. We’re not just keyboard crusaders. We believe in our powers, specifically the power to overcome you!

Keystone: We are preheroes!

OldDominion: Preheroes!

GlacierGirl: Preheroes!

SleeplessKnight: Preheroes!

Swagglerock69: O SHUT UP! Well b back. Theirs bigger fish to fuck. Come on boys lets go screw with justicebackers.com some more. i got some sweet gifs of Monkey Bitch shopped into fat pron.

Keystone: …. Are they gone?

SacredQueen: They’ll never go away. The important thing is that we never go away either. I’ve got an idea for the fundraiser now. Everybody screencap this and we’ll re-do the advertising as an anti-Swagglerock thing. Even if people don’t agree with us, they’ll want to help us stop him.

GlacierGirl: We’ll finally get to save the day.