The following is a record anonymously donated to the Justice Backers by a member of the Gamedreamy staff. Gamedreamy is an up and coming site where individuals livestream the playing of video games, board games, and card games. Though Secret Shuffle is banned on their service, one individual managed to complete a stream of four whole games. The individual in question often goes by the name Swagglerock69, a handle he regularly uses to harass members of the Justice Backers and their community.
Each phase of the final game of the stream is reproduced here to help you understand the mindset of SS players and the consequences of the game itself. All card names have been redacted.
TRIGGER WARNING: The conversation taking place contains swearing as well as language that may be offensive to women and the LGBTQA+ communities.
SR69 = Swagglerock69
UO = unidentified opponent
SR69: Last game of the day bitches! You know I could go all night long, but I’ve got shit to do.
UO: You get first move.
SR69: Cool it; I’ve got to tell my audience the best part. We don’t play like pussies. This is man up or shut up. Winner take all, loser become card. We’ve written our biggest secrets on some paper and put them on the table here. The winner gets to keep their secret hidden and send the loser’s secret to Deckard. Agreed?
UO: Yeah, just go.
* SR69 places two ribcage cards face up.
* UO places two femur cards face up and one card face down.
* SR69 discards a ribcage card and plays another.
* UO places another card face down and draws a card.
SR69: I see your theme is Ohio politics. You can’t win with that. Too many guys running around on their wives and not enough outing.
UO: Dude, just play.
SR69: Cool your tits. I need to keep the stream interesting for my fans. I’ve got to teach if they want to learn from the SS best. Like how I know that you’re using so many face-downs because you’re trying to feel out how many hand bones I’m holding. And how I know that you won’t be able to do anything about this…
* SR69 places a hand bone card and turns both ribcage cards sideways. UO is forced to discard his cards.
* UO places a femur card and turns it upside down.
* SR69 discards his ribcage cards, draws three cards, and then plays three femur cards.
* UO flips a femur card face up. SR69 is forced to discard one femur card.
SR69: You know I’ve personally put fourteen cards into this game. Deckard sent me a box of boosters the size of a shipping container for it.
UO: But you didn’t get the Justice Backers.
SR69: You don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t need them in the game; I’ve been giving them what they deserve for years now. I’m like their arch nemesis. I even got one of the western ones to attempt suicide. Bitch couldn’t even get that right. You won any SS tournaments yet?
UO: A few.
SR69: I got third in the South Carolina one last week, won like six grand.
UO: Good for you. It’s your turn Mr. Bronze.
SR69: I only got third because the guy in second cheated. He pulled a skull card on me in the last phase.
UO: Skull cards are not cheating; they’re just the best.
SR69: They are when a dick like that pulls it out in the last phase. It was just luck.
UO: Do you know why all those whiny losers screech ‘check your privilege’ all the time? It’s because they think luck is cheating.
SR69: You calling me an SJW?
UO: You just play the hand you’re dealt. You’re never required to make noise.
SR69: Check out this noise. You can’t ignore this!
* SR69 turns his hand bone upside down. He discards a femur card, draws a card, and plays another hand bone card. UO’s single card is destroyed.
* UO draws a card and passes his turn.
SR69: I told you man, not enough outing in your deck. You need some fags if you’re going to break through any of the gambling addict or credit card debt defenses. Now you’re just stuck floundering by on those bathroom hand jobs. There’s no way you can win.
UO: Maybe I’m just waiting for the right card.
SR69: You’re yanking my dong. No way you’ve got a skull. Besides, half the skulls out there couldn’t stop me now.
UO: What’s with all the addicts anyway? With all that skunk juice you spray around online I thought your deck would be full of preteen girls deleting social media posts.
SR69: That shit’s nothing but femurs. Maybe you occasionally get a rich girl who counts as a ribcage. I like to win, so I’ve been working my way up.
UO: You can win with an all femur deck. That Drownedwitch4 chick took the Toronto tournament on the back of a straight A student smoking weed for the first time.
SR69: Don’t get me started on that whore…
UO: Okay, I won’t.
* SR69 draws two cards and plays a hand bone sideways.
* UO draws a card and skips his turn.
* SR69 turns all his cards face up and plays two rib cage cards. At this point UO is one turn away from losing.
* UO draws a card. He discards it and draws four more. He plays a skull card from his hand.
SR69: Bull… bullshit! That’s bullshit.
UO: It’s the game. If you have a problem with it you can take it up with Deckard.
SR69: You lied. You didn’t tell me you had a skull card. You came in here with those ratty-ass clothes as some kind of shit disguise. You’re not real. You’re just some punk screwing with me because my stream’s so much bigger than whatever shit you’re trying to do.
UO: You don’t listen very well do you? Rarity doesn’t determine the winner. You emptied your hand and put half your deck forward. Of course I sniped you with the incestuous pregnant heiress. I don’t know how you got bronze in any tourney making moves like that.
SR69: I’ve never even heard of that card. I bet it’s counterfeit. It’s not even a good fake; that skull’s too gray.
UO: You dumbass. Secret Shuffle’s a living breathing game. It eats and shits secrets. While there are still nutrients in my cards, still tears to wring out, yours have been drying out for months. You can’t just collect these cards. They’re not yours unless you dominate them like I just dominated you.
SR69: I’m not giving my secret to a cheater. Get out of here. Yeah, hah. Look at what the people in chat are saying. You’re a liar. BS. Bullshit. They’re all calling you out on it.
UO: That only looks like half the comments to me.
SR69: Well they’re the correct half fag.
UO: A deal’s a deal. You have to give me your deck and your secret, not that either of them is worth much.
SR69: I’m worth more than your entire fag family going back ten ball-licking fag generations!
UO: Hand it over.
SR69: Over my dead body. You want to have a real-ass fight on my stream? Fine. Come at me! I’ll probably get a few hundred extra followers for this shit; I don’t care.
It is not entirely clear what happens next, as the camera was positioned over the table the game was played on. Based on the audio we assume that the unidentified opponent pulled a firearm on Swagglerock69.
This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.
SR69: Woah, easy man. Who brings a gun to a card game?
UO: I’m just making sure you keep your promise.
SR69: You can’t take it. Look, this is my life. I’ll lose everything if anybody finds out about that.
UO: Every card we’ve been using is a life. If you can’t control your stable you deserve to be in it. That’s how the game works.
SR69: I don’t deserve it! I’m not one of them. Please. I’m begging you. I’m on my knees here. Don’t do this. I’m so sorry… I didn’t mean any of that shit I said. I’m just scared man, please. Please, please, please, please don’t take it.
UO: It’s too late. You like Secret Shuffle so much? Now you get to be a part of it.
SR69: Oh god no… no… why me? Stop looking. The stream is over you assholes! It’s over. Thanks for nothing you shitty leeches. That’s what everyone is. Leeches!
The individual known as Swagglerock69 was found dead under the cover of his family’s empty hot tub three days later. It was ruled a suicide by gunshot. We were able to confirm that he was in fact added to Secret Shuffle as a femur card, though his death has barred the card from official play.
We have printed this individual’s name and identifying details before in our interactions with him, but in this instance we feel it is best not to remove the anonymity he wanted to maintain by printing his name or the secret he seems to have ended his life over. He was not the best of us, but he was of us. No life should be someone else’s plaything.
DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTIONS
OUTGOING MAIL
SENDER: NANCE PILTON AKA WOMAN’S TOUCH
RECIPIENT: PO BOX redacted
Hello Eben. I’ve finally gotten so bored in here that I’m writing to you. I was waiting until all my initial hopes of escape dampened. I honestly thought that last escaped hostage unit would act on the protocols I installed and attempt to break me out. Something I wrote must have conflicted with encrypted data built into their very blueprints, because hell if they didn’t all strike out on their own. The last one was the one you caught a month ago if I’m remembering correctly. (It takes me a while to get news about the Backers in here.) Apparently it had split its own body into three parts and taken to calling itself Trifecta. That’s what I heard anyway. A flying head that shot lasers, a hovering torso that punched people, and a pair of legs that ran by themselves and slashed people with hidden blades. All very exciting. I’m sure you smashed it into oblivion.
I know you wouldn’t do that to my hands. I also heard you are keeping those safe. Helipads? Extremely unimaginative, but thank you for not destroying them. The fact that you didn’t makes me think you’ve still got a soft spot for Woman’s Touch. Your whiny little backers would never let you use them in battle, but instead of melting them for scrap you’ve put your transportation in my hands. You always were sweet like that. You never used your words, but the sentiment manifested in whatever you built. You can’t help it. All that niceness just leaks out of you like a puppy that’s not housebroken yet.
Do you know how hard it was to get this letter to you? The prison censors wouldn’t like quite a lot of it, so I had to make some difficult trades with the other inmates to get the mild letter in the envelope switched with this one before it went out. I’ve gotten so good at shifting things around unseen that I’m considering changing my name to sleight-of-hand. The whole hyphenated thing worked for Act-of-Goddess after all.
It doesn’t sound like things are going too well with your team. The goddess’s leg got broken. Your marble man is cracking under the pressure. You’ve got a racist machine in your ranks that you can’t figure out how to deprogram. That Salt Shaker woman is clearly gunning for your role as leader. She’ll get there too. These aren’t your people Eben, just like the last batch. They’re going to take the infrastructure you built, the popularity you’ve garnered, and leave you with an empty garage just like Impala did.
You’re going to let them do it aren’t you? You could assert yourself instead of trying to buy them with baskets of puppies. Was it literally a basket? I’m hoping that was just an embellishment that came along with the tale. Did you hide chocolate eggs in their little puppy mouths for them to find as well? Since your big dogs can all join to form a sled, do the puppies make a little puppy merry-go-round?
Don’t let them do this to you again. You’re a thief, a liar, a traitor, and a human callus. And that’s okay Eben. You got that way because people didn’t respect you, just like me. Have you considered getting me out of here? It wouldn’t be hard. You’ve got my hands and your dogs. You’ve illegally liberated things before. It got you where you are now. Think about what we could do together. I wouldn’t leave you. Sure we’ve had our ups and downs, but do you remember what it was like working together? I can contribute to your work. I can appreciate it. I know you’d appreciate mine. We could be partners. After a while our tech would be so reliant on a combination of our efforts that we couldn’t split anyway. I would need your dogged determination and you would need my handy cunning.
You think of me as a villain, but tell me, did I ever kill anybody? I cracked a few bones and kept one of your Backers, who ended up leaving you by the way, in a jar for a couple weeks. No permanent harm done. It’s not like you’d be making a deal with the devil. I’m no serial killer. I’m not even as bad as that Deckard brat who’s ripping you apart at the seams. All I did was make my physical strength match my ambition. I’m selfish. It’s hardly a society-destroying sin. I just didn’t have the patience to do my robbery legally, like some.
You don’t have to commit to anything just yet. I have a little free time in here. Just keep in mind that I’m getting out eventually, and it would be better if I knew you were on my side when I did.
Thinking of you and a few other things,
Woman’s Touch
Salt Shaker’s Vomit-Inducing Fan Fiction Corner
Welcome back backers. We’ve had an unusual development in our anthropological study of one Kharmie Buttercup. There’s a chance, a very small chance, that perhaps through the alignment of some heavenly bodies or communion with a tentacle-faced ancient monstrosity, that Miss Kharmie Buttercup may have stumbled into some actual, honest, genuine insight. Call the pope; we’ve got a miracle to verify.
Before you wind up mopping the floor with your dropped jaw, note that the insight didn’t actually make it into a piece of her fiction. It can instead be found in her ‘atuhor’s note’ that she has placed before the piece. She talks about the difficulty she had in humanizing Deckard for use in her fan fictions. What that means for those of us capable of actual analysis is that Deckard is so evil and out-of-touch with contemporary morality that even a girl who has built a career out of contorting people into hideous Picasso-esque versions of themselves that act contrary to their actual nature cannot turn Deckard into a human being. Congratulations Kharmie, you’ve inadvertently said something that I agree with. I would shake your hand if you hadn’t already buried me in a hundred different graves across all your stories. I believe you even had me drawn and quartered once.
This week’s excerpt shows us how Kharmie would solve our current villain problem. It is the way she solves all of the world’s problems: homosexual romance. Again I have punched this cookie from the middle of the flat uneven dough that is her average plot structure. Deckard has blackmailed the president into abdicating his office and appointing the nefarious card dealer leader of the country (because that’s totally within the president’s power). He is about to force a bill through congress that will require every U.S. citizen to have their brains scanned for secrets in order to create ID cards that will stratify society and send it back to the dark ages.
The Justice Backers team (with Golden Boy filling in for me after my unfortunate death due to a complication from my rampant genital warts) breaks into the secret bunker beneath the white house. They’ve rigged a portable brain scanner in order to take Deckard’s darkest secrets and give him a taste of his own medicine. Lights. Curtain up.
Alpha Dog X Deckard
Love is in the cards – Part 5 (finale)
By
Kharmie Buttercup
(mild sexiness)
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ATUHOR’S NOTE: This fic might not be as good as my others, for because I will tell you right now. Deckard is a jerk. I couldn’t think of things that Alpha Dog would like/love/lust over about him because he’s so bad so I had to do this thing where I changerd Deckard into like more of kid-ish charcter. So in this he’s just really scared other people are always out to get him so he lashed out and amde all the cards so he could get them first. I hope that makes sense.
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Alpha Do karate chops the secret shuffle service agent in the neck and he goes down like a stack of CDs. Now there really isn’t anything standing betweeen them and Deckard except a big metal door.
“Ms. Goddess, tear down this wall!” he orders Actofgoddess. She smiles and says with pleasure and raises her hand which a fountain of lava then comes out of. The lava pours like a fountain and splashes all over the door. There is tons of smoke and steam while the fiery goo melts through every of the parts of the door. Alpha Dog, Actofgoddess, Opossum Player, Electric Eel, Paladina, Orb, Transplant, Tin Soldier, and Golden Boy all walk into the room while the smoke is clearing and see Deckard sitting at a fancy desk. There is also is a teeny old lady in the corner knitting a new Decakrd-y flag that will going to replace the aemrican star-stripey one.
“It’s over Deckard. Prepare to have your dirty laundry laundered in front of the wholeness of the entire world!” Alpha Dog raises the portable brains canner and points it upon Deckard’s shiny with swet forehead.
“It’s not over until I say its over!” Deckard shouts back. “NOW!” The old lady stands up an ddrops her knitting needles and pulls off her face to reveal it was in actual reality a mask and it is Speedball! Speedball pulls a metal ball out from under the flag, presses a button on it and tosses it at the backers. A cloud of purple gas made of Nyquil PM comes out of it and before the backers can react they all fall to the floor in sleep except for Alpha Dog because one of his dogs detaches its own face and gives it to him to use as a gas mask that protects from the sleeping gas.
“Speedball, leave us. I wish to gloat evilly with just the two of us,” Deckard says to Speedball who grabs his knitting stuff and flag and leaves the room to finish somewehre else. “It’s just the two of us ow Alpha Dog. Time to be honest. That’ what my game is completely all about, honesty. It makes people be honest even if they sometimes don’t want too always be.”
“Secrets are important Deckard because theymake people feel safe. They feel like they own something like a shiny little pearl inside them that nobody can take away. There’s a reason Connectera lets you set your account to private.” Alpha Dog fires the brain scanner but Deckard doesn’t even move. He lets the baby blue energy beam hit his forehead and make a ringing scanning noise the for a couple of some seconds until it isn’t doing it anymore. Alpha Dog silently hopes Deckard actullay has a secret juicy enough to get him to stop turning human beings into cards he and other evil people can just casually play with when their bored. When the secret scrolls across the screen on the brain scanner he refuses to believe his lying eyeballs. “This can’t be true,” he whispers and lets the brain scanner fall out of his hands and onto the ground where it makes a noise like something hitting something else.
“It’s true,” Deckard says suddenly sounding a lot sweeter like a lemon bar. He reaches into a desk drawer and Alpha Dog thinks he’s grabbing a gun so he has and makes his dogs do some growling but it turns out to be a bouquet of flowers instead of a weapon like he thought. They are his favorite flower: dogwood. One of the doggies walks over to Deckard and gentily take the flowers with his mouth and brings them over to Alpha Dog. “I’ve been in love with you since all of this started, but my secret was too big, too dark, and too secret to give it to you out in the open. I needed to soften the blow. We needed to live in a world where all of everybody’s all secrets are out and running free so mine could too and nobody would care. I didn’t mean for it all to turn out so bad but when I started it it became super hard to stop from rolling like a snowball getting bigger and biger.”
Alpha Dog doesn’t know what anything he should say. He’s never been in love before. Sure he slept with and touched Woman’s Touch a lot but that was just for fun and was way before she was a villain or in jail. Can he love a villain if the villain is sorry? Can he love a man? Alpha Dog is the alpha male of his pack and has to be masculine all the time to stay that way. What if his dogs won’t respect him anymore if he was gay? That will break his heart.
“All of this was so you could tell me you loved me?” he asks Deckard undisbeleivingly. “A lot of people got hurt.”
“It was the only way to get your attention. I sent you lots of stuff in the mail but I guess it was drowned out by all the fan mail you must get. I didn’t have any super powers I could sue to join you, but I knew I could get your attention if I was a bit naughty.”
“It was a bit more than a bit naughty Deckard. How can we be together when you’ve hurt so many of the people I have taken a swear out on to protect them?”
“I’m so sorry,” Deckard cries. “I’m just so scared. Everyone is judgey all the time that I thought I could handle all of it if I was a judge too.” He walks over to Alpha Dog and puts his hands on his broad chest. Alpha Dog feels a hot thrill like a towel out of the dryer put on his head. Deckard actually looks kind of cute with those big tears rolling down to his pouty lip. Maybe he really is sorry Alpha Dog thinks. He racks his brain trying to come up with a plan for how justice can be served and they can still be together.
“I’ve got it,” he says. “You will destroy all the cards and give the president his office back. Then you will come live in the Bay as our prisoner because you need to be punished.” Deckard smiled mischeeviously.
“Punished,” he repeats. “Because I was so bad.” Now they are both smiling like giddy schoolboys. They lean in to towards each tohers’ faces. All the doggies hide there faces under there paws bcause it is a private moment and they can only handle PG stuff. Then a hero kisses a villain. It is long and good and sexy.
It seems that for the two fo them right here and now, love is in the cards.
THE END
(please like, comment, and follow but no haters okay?)
Uh oh, I think I might count as a hater. It’s probably good that she’s kicking me out; I shouldn’t indulge myself too much. This kind of stuff can rot your brain after all.
Whether or not fan fiction corner continues depends on whether or not we come back from our next encounter with Deckard. Just in case we don’t, I’ll go ahead and empty the last corner of my bad fan fiction vault over your heads so you have something to pore over while you’re grieving. Consider my archiving of these titles to be my legacy, in addition to all the hero stuff. I officially dedicate this edition of fan fiction corner to the things that people should keep secret.
(Vampire)Impala X (werewolf)Alpha Dog by Sloshedbuckler
(Mommy)Paladina takes care of the (baby)Backers by Gliieeb
(pony)Salt Shaker Wins a First Place Ribbon! by Freereins
Deckard X Woman’s Touch (hardcore dom/sub NSFW) by Handcuff3dtoj3sus21